WrinkledForehead Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Where do you stand on this issue? I have two young children. My bf has none. I prefer to date men with no kids and I'm not sure why! I left my children's father almost 4 years ago and had dated only a few people before I met my current partner. I maintain a level of integrity in regards to my children and my relationships being kept separate for the first several months. This is solely to protect my children from the harsh realities of life and love, and so they don't form a bond with someone who won't be around next month. That said, my bf is the only man I've dated that they've interacted with and that's a fairly recent thing. So, having laid out the above and basically stating that I don't pressure the men I date to form a bond with my children, I dated one guy who was incredibly freaked out by his thoughts of being a father figure to my kids in the future. I reiterate: it was nothing I said but something he struggled with in his own mind. Interestingly, he was the only man I've dated with kids (one, to be exact. A 14 yo). His view was that he'd done the daddy thing and wasn't sure he wanted to do it again. Understandable. My kids' father's new girlfriend told me she prefers to date men with kids, and mostly because they have an idea of what they're getting in to if they date her. She has three boys (bless her! Haha). My bf and I have discussed having one more baby (one more for me, his first) at some point in the future. Even if we decide not to (I'm heavily focused on my education, him on his career, not to mention that I'm 29 and he's 49, which poses its own details to be discussed) its nice to even think about having that connection. When I was very single, I had a hard time wrapping my head around why a man would *want* to date a woman with no kids. For bf, he's never been married or had children and it's something he desires now. So what's your stance and why?
Andy_K Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I have one with an ex. I'd like another one or two at some point in the future. I still prefer to date childless women because they've got more spare time. That said I'd be quite happy to date a cool girl with one kid, be very apprehensive about one with two, and run a mile from anyone with three or more.
Emilia Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 When I was very single, I had a hard time wrapping my head around why a man would *want* to date a woman with no kids. For bf, he's never been married or had children and it's something he desires now. So what's your stance and why? Hm a 49 year-old potential first time dad? Or older? good luck with that. Be careful with men who have never committed to anyone or anything seriously by that age. But to the subject: I've never dated men with children and have no desire to. I don't mind kids, I just don't want the complications that come with that set up. I don't have children myself and don't want any. Relationships are hard enough without blending families, having exes actively present in your life, etc. 2
elbe Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I pretty much refuse to date women with children. It could happen but it is a long shot. This severely limits the girls I could potentially date, btw. I feel like the third wheel if the father isn't far gone.
Author WrinkledForehead Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Hm a 49 year-old potential first time dad? Or older? good luck with that. Be careful with men who have never committed to anyone or anything seriously by that age. But to the subject: I've never dated men with children and have no desire to. I don't mind kids, I just don't want the complications that come with that set up. I don't have children myself and don't want any. Relationships are hard enough without blending families, having exes actively present in your life, etc. I know my ex had a few problems with women that *made* problems out of the fact that he has kids. They'd start fights, and get jealous of my children and me (and without any just cause). I agree that there has to be minimal drama with the ex in the equation for me to consider dating someone with kids. The current bf and I have discussed past commitments enough for it to not be a huge concern of mine. Thanks for the warning, though.
Iguanna Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 In my country divorced women with kid(s) are almost "destroyed", or at least they used to be for many years, in villages this approach still exists. I guess there were decades that this was happening also in America, and I'm sure this happens now also in many countries. Not surpisingly this doesn't occur with divorced men with kids. These men usually play the victims that their bitch wife does not let them see the kids bla bla (many don't even pay for alimony, I guess laws are not that strict here, they just say they have not enough income and that's it). If I would date and see seriously a man with kids? It depends on what situation I'm in, how old his kids are, what relationship he has with them, how is the relationship with ex wife, what are his thoughts on having more kids in the future and so on. I can't answer with yes or no. I know that kids from previous marriages can create problems, but if I really like this person and he is a good partner and father, I think I would overcome the problems. But he has to be strong enough and fix a balance between his ex wife, his kids and his new partner. If I see that his ex demands things all the time, she is trying to take advantage of him, she tries to put obstacles to him in order not to find another woman, then I would consider this a messy and complicated situation and leave.
MsOptimist Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I'm divorced with no desire to have my own kids. My bf is divorced with 2 boys. Even though I don't want kids of my own, I am open to dating a man with kids if the situation is right (meaning he's a wonderful dad very involved with his kids and a wonderful bf). I thought he would be apprehensive about dating a woman without kids since it's entirely new territory for me, but he's fine about me not having kids. He's more concerned how I feel about him having kids. I'm fully aware that he's a package deal. Does it scare me? Yes, but only because this is all so new to me. He does not want any more kids and has had a vasectomy, so we're on the same page with no kids of our own. We're still pretty early in the relationship, about 5 months, but I've met his kids several times now and watched them alone for the first time last week. I'm still just a "friend" to them and we are not affectionate around the kids. So far it's going well overall, just very new for me. I'm his first gf post-divorce to meet his kids, and it was a big step for both of us. We both have exes in the picture, him obviously due to the kids, and I share my dog with my exH. No concern there on anyone's part. The schedule can get pretty hectic when the kids are sick or something comes up, but now that I've met them and they are comfortable around me I know I'll be able to help out more when something comes up. What I find awkward so far is when we're in public with the kids and people assume they are mine. Also when they are getting cranky and he has a talk with them - I feel it's not my place to discipline them so I feel like an awkward third wheel in those situations.
Mascara Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I have no desire to date a man with children. My youngest is late teens and at university - that stage of my life is over. I was surprised at the number of men who were my age and thought I shouldn't have an issue with them having very young children. I think most parents of almost-adult children feel the same as me though. People who have never had kids are probably a better bet than those of us who have been there, done that.
skela Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I'm in my 40's. My youngest will be in University next year. Would never get into a serious relationship with a man with very young kids. Looking forward to the next chapter of my life. 1
Author WrinkledForehead Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 I'm divorced with no desire to have my own kids. My bf is divorced with 2 boys. Even though I don't want kids of my own, I am open to dating a man with kids if the situation is right (meaning he's a wonderful dad very involved with his kids and a wonderful bf). I thought he would be apprehensive about dating a woman without kids since it's entirely new territory for me, but he's fine about me not having kids. He's more concerned how I feel about him having kids. I'm fully aware that he's a package deal. Does it scare me? Yes, but only because this is all so new to me. He does not want any more kids and has had a vasectomy, so we're on the same page with no kids of our own. We're still pretty early in the relationship, about 5 months, but I've met his kids several times now and watched them alone for the first time last week. I'm still just a "friend" to them and we are not affectionate around the kids. So far it's going well overall, just very new for me. I'm his first gf post-divorce to meet his kids, and it was a big step for both of us. We both have exes in the picture, him obviously due to the kids, and I share my dog with my exH. No concern there on anyone's part. The schedule can get pretty hectic when the kids are sick or something comes up, but now that I've met them and they are comfortable around me I know I'll be able to help out more when something comes up. What I find awkward so far is when we're in public with the kids and people assume they are mine. Also when they are getting cranky and he has a talk with them - I feel it's not my place to discipline them so I feel like an awkward third wheel in those situations. This has been a really helpful perspective for me! The whole thing is pretty new to me, too. I've taken the stance of letting bf's bond with the kids and vice versa develop on its own. I think its very important to maintain a sense of humor about it all as well. For instance, my son was whining (he's 3) and I calmly looked at him and calmly said, "I don't understand what you're saying to me right now." Bf looked at me and iterated, "he said xyz..." I smiled and my eyes flared and I laughed and explained that's the method I employ to encourage my children to speak in a calmer voice. I suppose I think that's part of the reason I prefer dating people with no kids. They don't have the experience usually to handle parenting, so its a learning curve. There's little argument about how to compromise on parenting styles and technique.
amaysngrace Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I've only dated guys without kids since my divorce. My youngest is 15 but I don't think I'd have a problem being with a guy with young children. I think kids are precious.
carhill Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Dating people with children Where do you stand on this issue? Other than my exW, all of the dozens of women I dated as an adult over the decades had children. It was just a reality in my demographic. Women got married/LTR'd and had children at a young age so, post-18 or so, it was all single mothers, so nearly 20 years of dating/LTR's with them. One aspect that didn't occur to me at the time, when hearing women's preferences, which were predominantly to date men without children, pertained to relationship interactions and how they were defined in my demographic. Children are a powerful social dynamic and perceiving a man with potentially divided loyalties, both financially and emotionally, to be inferior to one without was not uncommon. Since there were more men than women, it was, all else (attraction, looks, status, economics) being equal, easy to dismiss the males with children. On the other side, due to a marked dearth of single childless women, males couldn't be as particular, unless they selected down into the teenage years to find women who didn't have children. I suspect that dynamic has changed somewhat over the generations, since far more women these days delay children and go to college. Currently, out of the hundreds of women I know socially, my exW remains the only childless woman I know. I do know a couple of childless men, but we're pretty uncommon too. At our age, it's generally a marked life choice or we were physically unable to have children. My decision these days would turn on the lady's relationship with her adult children and, as an extension, grandchildren, which most have.
MsOptimist Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 This has been a really helpful perspective for me! The whole thing is pretty new to me, too. I've taken the stance of letting bf's bond with the kids and vice versa develop on its own. I think its very important to maintain a sense of humor about it all as well. For instance, my son was whining (he's 3) and I calmly looked at him and calmly said, "I don't understand what you're saying to me right now." Bf looked at me and iterated, "he said xyz..." I smiled and my eyes flared and I laughed and explained that's the method I employ to encourage my children to speak in a calmer voice. I suppose I think that's part of the reason I prefer dating people with no kids. They don't have the experience usually to handle parenting, so its a learning curve. There's little argument about how to compromise on parenting styles and technique. Yes, I'm trying to keep a sense of humor to all of this as well. Even the adjustments of getting used to the messiness of kids LOL. Living childless, and especially living on my own in the past year post-divorce, I got pretty used to having everything clean and orderly. Then in comes single dad for 2 years with 2 small boys and yeah - boys are messy When I watched them the other day by myself I told him I wondered how the heck he doesn't lose important things on a daily basis. I quickly learned the need to pile up hats and gloves, for example, when we'd come inside otherwise they'd be strewn all over and the kids get into everything. The lack of parenting experience on my end has been my concern, although overall I have a very patient and easy going personality. My lack of experience doesn't seem to bother my bf, and I feel most comfortable following his lead when we're with the kids. We, too, are taking it very slowly and letting the kids bond with me (and vice versa) slowly and naturally. I was pretty happy when they pretty quickly felt comfortable holding my hand in a parking lot and climbing to sit on/by me. 1
FitChick Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Fortunately, the men I date have kids who are grown or teens. If they have young kids it's due to a second marriage, which in itself is a red flag. Too much drama for me.
happywithlife Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I am divorced w/ 2 kids and my boyfriend who I have been with for almost a year has 3 of his own. The kids are all in the same age range (10 - 5) years old. We didn't introduce each other to the kids for several months and then it was a few more months until we introduced the kids to each other. What I like about dating a man w/ children (I have briefly dated a few w/out kids) is the understanding that comes along w/ having kids of his own. But what is more important is finding someone who lives a similar lifestyle. We love our 1 free date night a week but also cherish the weekends hanging with the kids together.
MsOptimist Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I kind of like that my bf's children are younger rather than older, they are 4 and 8. I feel like they will more easily adjust to their dad dating when they are younger vs in their teens. I was a teenager when my parents divorced, and although logically I knew that my parents didn't belong together, I still had a very hard time accepting my dad dating. The thought of "will they like me?" crossed my mind several times prior to meeting them. The fact that I'm nice to them and nice to their dad has made it very simple for them to like me thus far. Heck, the 4 year old just wants to be tickled all the time, that's all he's concerned with
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