Michelle83 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I'm just wondering if anyone's ever experienced this and how you dealt? If one of you wants more sex than the other, how can the one who doesn't want it as often say no without the other person feeling rejected? (and I don't mean one wants it daily and one weekly, more like you have sex for a few hours, then a few hours later one partner wants to go again and the other doesn't). This recently happened with my boyfriend and I felt really bad saying no, but I just wasn't in the mood for another round an hour or so later. He was really good about it and understood, but I still felt a little bad saying no. and a little more concerning, it kind of made me back off being close to him physically for fear that I might lead him to think I wanted to go again when I didn't. In a previous relationship something similar happened (although he actually tried to force sex on me so it was a much different story), but that pretty much led to me resenting him for touching me at all sexually.
WrinkledForehead Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 My stance with my bf is that it's okay to turn him down on the rare occasion that I'm not in the mood as we keep each other satiated sexually the rest of the time. We have matching high libidos and a very open and healthy sex life. We communicate frequently if something is missing (ie I'll let him know if I'd like more oral sex than I've been getting and vice versa, if I'd like more anal play, if he wants more dress up, etc). Open communication is key so I'd simply ask him at some point if you're satisfying him, and if not, what you could do to improve it. 1
MalachiX Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I have a pretty high sex drive in a relationship and I don't see anything wrong about not wanting to go twice in one day. Hell, just tell him you're sore. It's only an issue if there's a real difference in your libidos. If he wants it every day and you want it once a week (or less) then that's a problem. As for not "leading him on," it's totally possible to be physically affectionate without being sexual. The only time that any physical affection starts feel frustrating/sexual is when I havn't had sex in a while. If he just got some earlier then you're good. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I had a deal with an EX. Sometimes it was a flat out not tonight honey but that was very rare. The compromise was. . . eh, I'm not really in the mood but I'm willing to lie here & let you do what you want. Most times the one who was reluctant ended up liking it & it became sort of a fun challange to see if you could get the reluctant partner to be more active. 1
freetolove Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 if he can't understand he aint' worth keeping. 1
Author Michelle83 Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 Thanks for the replies. Yeah, we aren't super miss-matched, but I do think his is higher than mine. He likes longer sex, more frequent sex, that sort of thing. He was good when I said no, so that is really good and does put me at ease. It's more the feeling like any time he touched me the last time we saw each other it felt like he was doing it with the direct intent to try and start sex, so that was bothering me. I feel like if/when we live together, if he's constantly touching me in sexual ways trying to progress things, it's going to send me completely the opposite direction and put off sex entirely.
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I can see where you're coming from. A lot of partners who are having an issue in their sex life (maybe, to stereotype, the wife is no longer interested in having sex very often, the husband is frustrated, so he tries to seduce her fairly frequently. Pretty quickly she associates any affection, such as cuddling, kissing, stroking, spooning, as being a precursor to sex and shuts that down too. The guy ends up feeling completely rejected and isolated, and both of them drift further apart because they're not doing the little physical affection things that make them feel close... which leads to even less desire for sex, and before you know it, they're just housemates). It's tough, I LOVE physical affection, I also love sex, I don't recall ever having turned down a partner for sex in my life, unless it was for health reasons... the ideal would be where physical affection is a constant, and either partner feels they can take it further whenever they want but won't resent their partner if they don't want to have sex. So you just go back to kissing and snuggling etc. I don't see an issue with that unless one partner is perpetually turning down the other. It would annoy me too if the only time a boyfriend touched me affectionately was to try and have sex with me. And that's coming from someone who is just as often the aggressor as the seduced. 1
Author Michelle83 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 I can see where you're coming from. A lot of partners who are having an issue in their sex life (maybe, to stereotype, the wife is no longer interested in having sex very often, the husband is frustrated, so he tries to seduce her fairly frequently. Pretty quickly she associates any affection, such as cuddling, kissing, stroking, spooning, as being a precursor to sex and shuts that down too. The guy ends up feeling completely rejected and isolated, and both of them drift further apart because they're not doing the little physical affection things that make them feel close... which leads to even less desire for sex, and before you know it, they're just housemates). It's tough, I LOVE physical affection, I also love sex, I don't recall ever having turned down a partner for sex in my life, unless it was for health reasons... the ideal would be where physical affection is a constant, and either partner feels they can take it further whenever they want but won't resent their partner if they don't want to have sex. So you just go back to kissing and snuggling etc. I don't see an issue with that unless one partner is perpetually turning down the other. It would annoy me too if the only time a boyfriend touched me affectionately was to try and have sex with me. And that's coming from someone who is just as often the aggressor as the seduced. I don't think I could have written this better myself - it's exactly how I feel. I'll see how it goes with him. It's happened just on a few select occasions, so maybe it won't continue to be an issue at all and I did say something last time so hopefully he'll pick up on that as well. I really like the affectionate touching and need it to feel close/happy in a relationship but as soon as all touching is sexually driven, that feeling fades fast.
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