walapeno Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 I posted a cry for help on this message board a few months ago when my boyfriend and I broke up. This was the first time (at 28) my heart had been broken and, I can now say, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I was with this person for a year and a half and I let him lie to me and use me in order to not be alone. I can't really say that I lost my self-respect, because I honestly don't know how much I had when I got into the relationship. But I can definitely say that I had none while I was in it. Now. Now I can look back and see all of the things that I should have left him for long before this. Now I realize that love doesn't make you cry yourself to sleep while he is chatting online with other girls and looking at porn (without you). Love doesn't make you feel bad for not trusting when you have every reason not to trust. Love doesn't make you sit by while he strings along an ex-girlfriend (you know, just in case). Love doesn't let you support him through the internship and then not even get an unsolicited "thank you" or invite to the wrap party. Love doesn't take everything you are giving with no intention of giving anything back. And I could go on. I'm not trying to say that suddenly I am an expert on love, but maybe my realizations can help someone. Even now, it is still fresh, I miss him so much. What hurts me the worse is that there were so many lies that now I can't believe anything. I thought I had a really great friend. But how could he even have been my friend while lying to me every day? I have a year and a half of empty "I love you so much"es to live with now. I thought that he was just very independent and not used to an "adult" relationship. Well, it turns out that that isn't what we had anyway. We were still living together up until Monday. He has a new girlfriend now and I can't pretend anymore that he is my friend while he is doing this to me. I can't live with someone that has no respect for me. I get haunted by visions of him with this new girl. A girl he actually wants to be with. Visions of him giving and sharing everything that he didn't give or share with me. It hurts a lot. But I know that he is building his entire world and all of his relationships out of lies. And it is going to topple some day. I don't know what the future holds, but I hope the best for him. I hope that he can get honest with himself. Maybe someday we can have some sort of friendship. He knows that I am the one person he can't lie to anymore so, if he doesn't start to live honestly, he won't be in my life. But right now I need to worry about me. And, as scary as that is, I am looking forward to it. I gave so much love to him. I would have loved half as much from him. Well, I think now I am going to give all of that love to me. It was, and is, good, honest, real, deep, wonderful love. And I am going to cherish it. Next time (months and months from now!) I will be stronger and I am going to know myself well enough not to settle for anything less than what I deserve. None of us should. We all deserve to have someone who wants to be in it with us. So, from someone who has awakened to find that she is an awesome and really very great girl, respect yourself. Don't let some guy who doesn't even know himself tell you who you are or who you should be.
piper27 Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 You go girl! I totally feel what you feel, especially the part about the new girl. But hey, like my friend said, he may be happy now, but only time will tell. It is, after all, the honeymoon period. And there are times, especially difficult times, when you think of your ex and how much they loved you, and you just feel so much pain at what you threw away. I've been down that road, just that even while I really felt so much regret for throwing away someone's love, I knew I couldn't live with that person's lies any more. So I'm sure he'll regret it someday, throwing away what you had. It's only human to. Just that well, you'll never know when they do.
seductress989 Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 Thanks a lot for your post. It was very inspiring to me b/c I too, dated someone for a year and a half and dealt w/many things I shouldn't have. I gained weight, lost confidence and self-esteem, basically I lost myself in the whole mess. Now, (6 months post-breakup) I realize that breaking up w/my ex was the best thing I've done for myself and my family. (they were in the middle of several of our arguments) I have began working out and have lost more weight than I gained while I dated him. I am starting to regain the broken self-esteem and confidence I suffered while dating him. I knew 5 months into the relationship that things weren't going to work out, but I held on, stupidly, thinking things would get better. And now they have; since I dumped the loser! The time after a breakup is always difficult. My ex was also my first true love. The best way to move on is to stop all contact w/him unless it's absolutely necessary. Trust me, I know. I seen my ex after the breakup and it only made things worse. Please don't make the same mistake I did. Maybe one day your ex will realize his mistake but it will be too late. He may come begging for you back and you can laugh in his face! I hope this helps. ~Seductress
citygrrl Posted January 22, 2005 Posted January 22, 2005 You definitely have the right attitude! He didn't deserve all of the love you gave him - but there is someone else out there who does, and eventually you will find him! Don't let this a**hole 's behavior jade you - look at this as a learning experience as far as what type of person to stay away from. In the meantime, continue to do things to improve yourself and your outlook. And if you are picturing him with the new girlfriend and feeling sad, picture him doing all of the things to HER that he did to YOU. Chances are extremely high that all of the bad things he was doing to you, he is doing to her, too. As a general rule, people don't change. So by taking up with another girl, he has become a source of grief for someone else (maybe she just doesn't know it yet!) Look at it this way - he did you a favor. He let you go so you can find someone better. You really weren't happy with the way he was treating you - were you? Could you see spending the rest of your life, or even a few more years with someone like this? Why settle for someone who treats you this way? Lies do sting, because, like cheating, they are a violation of trust. People who lie do not generally lie in one relationship and not in another. It is part of his personality. He is defective merchandise. You cannot stay in a relationship with a liar, because you will drive yourself crazy. It gets to the point where everything that comes out of their mouth is questioned because they have lied to you so many times, you don't even know what is true and what is a lie. And who has the time or energy to deal with that? Stay strong, think of all of the bad things he did to you, and tell yourself that you deserve better! No one has the right to make their SO feel that they are not good enough. And stringing the ex along - FORGET HIM!!! Let him get out in the real world and see how many times he gets dumped for his behavior before he realizes that he had a really good, caring person at one time and he blew it! And now it's too late!
Isabella82 Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 I would just like to say that your post inspired me. I too was in love with a liar. Except for he was very good at deceiving me, when we first broke up I thought I have lost such a great guy and I was so hurt. But then I found out all these lies after we broke up, and it makes me feel like the whole relationship was all fake. Every thing he said to me were lies. Because of this I know I can never be with him ever again, because I can't trust him. The thing that hurts the most is that he isn't the great guy I thought he was. When I confronted him about all his lies....he turned it back at me and said well he couldn't talk to me, and I was hard to deal with. While during the whole relationship he would go on about how honestly and communication were the key factors in any relationship...and how he was happy that we were so open with eachother. I have to keep telling myself that in any relationship he gets into he will be the sameway... Its so hard to trust anyone now.
concrete rose Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 Thanks for the post everyone! You wouldn't believe how much i relate to everyones post here. Its good to know that there are others who were in the same situation as me and even better that there is hope after being lied to and deceived! I'm still going threw the process of moving on and healing the wounds my ex made to my heart. Its funny that even after a relationship that was built of lies, i still have trouble letting go of him. but I know hes not worth my time, my love and all the energy i put into the relationship. I even hope that one day he will realise what he lost! I'm happy for all of you who have escaped your doomed relationships! Don't let some guy who doesn't even know himself tell you who you are or who you should be >>AMEN SISTER!
Recommended Posts