SCMama23 Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Ok. So here's my story. I've been married for almost 6 years. Two young kids together (5 & 3). He has barely worked our entire marriage. His parents have paid our mortgage and all of our bills for SIX years. I've had jobs here and there but have mostly been home raising my children. Just now are all of my kids getting to the age of school and not needing me home all day. I am done. I have given him chance after chance to "change". He just does not want to work. He says he does but really, why would he? His mother has been enabling him for years. I have resented him for almost our entire marriage. How I married a man that refuses to make providing for his family his number one priority. I have made the decision to separate (for good this time). I have also decided that I do not want the house. My father lives directly next door to the house we own now. I will move me and my three kids into his house, get a job and go out and get our own place. I need to know I can depend on myself. Because of the years of resentment and the years of being together 24/7, I don't even want to be around him anymore. Our kids know a marriage of screaming and disrespect. I can't respect a man that doesn't make supporting his children a number one priority!!! Is that so crazy of me that I don't want to be unhappy anymore waiting around for him to "change"?! I've stood by him for six years, I don't want to make that 10, 15 years....he's begging for me to please just give him one more chance but at this point I told him even if he got a job it wouldn't change anything. I'm checked out. I can't rely on him for financial or emotional support. I know this is what I want and what my family needs to be happy yet I feel so bad because he doesn't want to lose me and he is!! What is that???? I'm just scared to death to "put my kids through this" because they are so young and won't understand. My 13yr old gets it. She knows it's not a healthy marriage for anyone in this house. Some words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for rambling.... Also. I forgot to add that he had a bad RX pill problem that he has now been off of pills for four months. I thought maybe that had something to do with it but it's still the same. He plays XBox more than he does looking for a job.... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Did he work before you got married? I'm confused as to why you'd marry an unemployed guy. Then have a baby. Then have another baby. All while his employment was shaky. He acts like a child playing video games so he won't even make a good babysitter. But how do you plan to leave your dad's house once you move in? It's expensive to run a household and raise three kids alone. Will his parents pay you child support too? Does your dad really deserve the drama? Or to be a babysitter? Will you help him with the bills while you live there? How will you be able to save enough to get a place? People don't plan to fail. They just fail to plan. It doesn't sound like you have a very realistic plan, no offense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMama23 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 He lost his job 6 months after we first moved in together. My fault for staying one day after that. Then we got pregnant, married 6 months later and moved out of state to start living our lives. He found jobs, then lost them, then found another one. But it ultimately my fault for staying after the first warning sign. My mother passed away in September. My father has asked me to come live with him because he sees what I'm putting up with and knows how unhappy I am. I am registered for EMT school, which is two nights a week for 6 months. The average rent for where I live is about $700 a month. So realistically I need to land a job making at *least* $10/hr to survive. Yes survive. Until I can work as a paid EMT (which still doesn't bring in a lot), I have to get by. My life plan was to already be in nursing school, but unfortunately can't dedicate 40 hours a week to school if I have to support three kids by myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Let me clarify-all food, utilities and clothing were supplied by his family? Auto etc? Medical needs? Spending cash? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMama23 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 Everything. I contributed my entire pay checks while I worked but the majority of it all was his parents. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 He lost his job 6 months after we first moved in together. My fault for staying one day after that. Then we got pregnant, married 6 months later and moved out of state to start living our lives. He found jobs, then lost them, then found another one. But it ultimately my fault for staying after the first warning sign. My mother passed away in September. My father has asked me to come live with him because he sees what I'm putting up with and knows how unhappy I am. I am registered for EMT school, which is two nights a week for 6 months. The average rent for where I live is about $700 a month. So realistically I need to land a job making at *least* $10/hr to survive. Yes survive. Until I can work as a paid EMT (which still doesn't bring in a lot), I have to get by. My life plan was to already be in nursing school, but unfortunately can't dedicate 40 hours a week to school if I have to support three kids by myself. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. You know, your plan could work. Your dad is probably sad and having all of you there would probably be good for him. But what do you mean you should have left him when he first lost his job? What about for better and for worse? I don't know what you're going to do but you should think long and hard about it before you rip your family apart. Did you tell him if he does not work you plan to leave him? Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Seems toe that you were being provided for. How's this different from a trust fund? You're entitled to make your own decisions. To file for divorce. Get your own career. It's really your resentment and bitterness that are the problem. There must be more to the story. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMama23 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. You know, your plan could work. Your dad is probably sad and having all of you there would probably be good for him. But what do you mean you should have left him when he first lost his job? What about for better and for worse? I don't know what you're going to do but you should think long and hard about it before you rip your family apart. Did you tell him if he does not work you plan to leave him? I meant after the signs of him not wanting to work. Damn right for better or worse. I've been hanging on, supporting him for six years. Am I supposed to go 10, 20 years? Six years I've been telling him if he doesn't work I am leaving. I don't ask that he gets a job making $100,000 a year. He could work at McDonald's for all I care, but WORK , want to work, spend every spare minute you have looking for work. Anything.... I give him deadlines and he promises his way right thru them. I guess after watching losing my mother I have gotten the strength to actually leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMama23 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 Seems toe that you were being provided for. How's this different from a trust fund? You're entitled to make your own decisions. To file for divorce. Get your own career. It's really your resentment and bitterness that are the problem. There must be more to the story. I was being provided for by his parents. Not by the man who married me and promised that he would provide, protect and love. I am extremely resentful and bitter. Having to get up and go to work every day, while it was our plan for me to be a stay at home mom, and him getting to sit home and play xbox and do whatever he wants would make anyone resentful, no? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 It's strange how that works. I believe sometimes our loved ones help us from above with the things they could not help us with here on earth. Six years is a long time. Leave. You have way too much resentment built up and it isn't a healthy way to live. Everything happens for a reason. Or doesn't, as it would be in his case. Life's too short to be unhappy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMama23 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 It's strange how that works. I believe sometimes our loved ones help us from above with the things they could not help us with here on earth. Six years is a long time. Leave. You have way too much resentment built up and it isn't a healthy way to live. Everything happens for a reason. Or doesn't, as it would be in his case. Life's too short to be unhappy. I truly believe that. I have been reading her journal that I found and have realized that I am doing what she didn't have the guts to do: leave an unhappy marriage. I think that's what really did it for me. I don't want to "wake up" 10, 15 years from now telling myself I should've done it a long time ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yarrow Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 But how do you plan to leave your dad's house once you move in? It's expensive to run a household and raise three kids alone. As expensive as that is, it's even more expensive to raise 3 kids alone and take care of a grown man who won't help himself and sucks up her time. At least, without him, she doesn't have to feed him, pick up after him, warm his bed, stroke his ego, etc and can concentrate on taking care of the kids. From the sounds of it, all he is is another mouth to feed and a huge time and energy suck. From her post, I can hear the sound of a door slamming shut. She's done. And when the door is shut, it usually stays shut. She's putting together a concrete plan. She's crunching numbers. They aren't favorable numbers, but that it's preferable to what she's got now says a great deal. I wish her luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Are you kidding? Somehow you e turned his employment into his value as a husband, father. What you describe is a "you" problem not an economic problem. Inheritance or trust fund and staying home to raise a young family happens. If its best for you to leave and it's easy access to their father somehow it sounds as if you'd still create a reason to be unhappy. Ever considered nursing school to earn a BSN to create a career? $10:hr is not a sustainable living. I suppose you might remarry in a few years. Is your husband capable of monitoring his childten? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 I was being provided for by his parents. Not by the man who married me and promised that he would provide, protect and love. I am extremely resentful and bitter. Having to get up and go to work every day, while it was our plan for me to be a stay at home mom, and him getting to sit home and play xbox and do whatever he wants would make anyone resentful, no? I think the man in the family should get off his ass and make sure the family has what it needs. He should do this for his own security at a minimum, but he has a family to consider. Relying on his parents to provide things is not a secure existence. Whether you work or not is one thing, but he should have enough self respect to make sure things are taken care of and not have them taken care of for him as if he never really wanted to climb out of the womb. You married an infant, and maybe you can make a better choice in the future. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMama23 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 Are you kidding? Somehow you e turned his employment into his value as a husband, father. What you describe is a "you" problem not an economic problem. Inheritance or trust fund and staying home to raise a young family happens. If its best for you to leave and it's easy access to their father somehow it sounds as if you'd still create a reason to be unhappy. Ever considered nursing school to earn a BSN to create a career? $10:hr is not a sustainable living. I suppose you might remarry in a few years. Is your husband capable of monitoring his childten? A) I've turned his unemployment into his value of being a provider. For his children. He's a great father. He's a ****ty provider. B) his parents are just about tapped out. They've probably spent close to all of their retirement money supporting their sons family. C) I didn't walk into this marriage under the assumption that there was a "trust fund" or an infinite amount of money to support our family. He had a great job when we married, then we made a decision to move 600 miles away, out of NY, to give our kids a better life. He found another great job down here and just stopped going to work. Mommy paid the bills after that. D) I have actually started my BSN twice but had to stop because he wouldn't work and I needed to help support my kids. I am not OK with my in laws footing the bill on my family. If that makes me "unhappy" then so be it. And lastly, I will probably never remarry. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Enrollin in school or a certification program. It sounds as if you'd be living next door to your soon to be ex husband. Is your intention to support the children having free access to their old home and father? Moving into your Dad's home should not mean that Grandpa becomes a substitute dad. How quickly can you become enrolled in school? Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Is your husband capable of monitoring his childten?Why doesn't he take care of the house and children all day while you work a job? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMama23 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 Enrollin in school or a certification program. It sounds as if you'd be living next door to your soon to be ex husband. Is your intention to support the children having free access to their old home and father? Moving into your Dad's home should not mean that Grandpa becomes a substitute dad. How quickly can you become enrolled in school? I'm already enrolled for the EMT course. I start in January. He won't be able to afford the house after his parents run out of money. I was a mom at 16. I'm quite aware of not assuming my father to be my children's father. I want to sell the house and split the profit. I am extremely close with my father as he is with my children, I mean I bought the house so we could live next door to each other. I do not want them denied any access to their father. I want what's best for them even if that means only having them 50% of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMama23 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 Who was watching the kids while you worked? I had only my youngest that wasn't in school at the time. My sister baby sat while I worked, so he couldn't say that he couldn't find a job because he was watching our son. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMama23 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 Why doesn't he take care of the house and children all day while you work a job? Because that is not the marriage I want. He is a man. He should *want* to provide and support his children. If I am going to be the bread winner I am going to do it with one less mouth to feed. His. It makes my blood boil to wake up exhausted every morning from doing it all, so he can sit home and watch my 3yr old and play some call of duty. I can't just sit by and not let that bother me. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Salvage what you can from your BSN credits. Consider getting your RN and then complete your BSN. How many years has the unemployed/not making it financially have you endured? Are you filing for divorce immediately? It's a fairly quick process w/o money to delay things. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 You want to sell the house and split the equity. It's difficult to see how that's possible if his parents funded the mortgage. Perhaps you made a massive down payment w joint marital fu ds or you earned enough from work but his patents gifting mo eh is a complication. Maybe they gifted to you both and maybe even to your kids. Maybe your husband isn't too sharp and he won't care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMama23 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 You want to sell the house and split the equity. It's difficult to see how that's possible if his parents funded the mortgage. Perhaps you made a massive down payment w joint marital fu ds or you earned enough from work but his patents gifting mo eh is a complication. Maybe they gifted to you both and maybe even to your kids. Maybe your husband isn't too sharp and he won't care. Both of our name are on the deed and the mortgage. I paid when I worked and have proof that every payment came from our bank account. At this point I could care less if there was any profit. I just want out of the house. He can drop my name off and put his moms on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCMama23 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 Salvage what you can from your BSN credits. Consider getting your RN and then complete your BSN. How many years has the unemployed/not making it financially have you endured? Are you filing for divorce immediately? It's a fairly quick process w/o money to delay things. After we moved five years ago there's pretty much been zero employment on his end. In my state we have to live separately for a year in order to file a no fault divorce. I barely have money for the consultation (cheapest I found around me was $200, just for a consultation). I'm afraid his mother will have no problem throwing money down on a fancy lawyer for him.... Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Yup One year before any divorce if in SC,I know- STBXWW moved there nad now I can finish our D because the year is up. You can file there on your own-STBXWW picked up the papers and filled them out herself (asked for the moon) and sent them to me in NC. I didn't bite and filed the response last month but if she had not asked for silly things-it would have been over with only filing fees to the court involved. You can find it all online at the SC website. Well if you D your H it will be another opportunity for my STBXWW to find herself! REVITUP Link to post Share on other sites
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