Jame22 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 (edited) We had been dating for a little over a month. I really started to like her. All of the sudden she got really flaky. The last time I tried to ask her out she responded to my text with; "you act like you're not interested." I translated this to "try harder." When I went to talk to her I told her how much I liked her and that I was moving slow because I was shy. She told me that she had issues and had been sexually abused in the past. The next day she messaged me to tell me that she needed time to work on her issues and only wanted a friendship. I thought we still had a chance for a while and I didn't know what to think...I mean you don't call a person out for not being interested if you don't want them romantically. Back to the sexual assault. Why would she bring this up? I actually like to move slow. It bothers me that she would bring up her sexual assault and then procede to dump me when I had never even tried anything more than a kiss. Should I reject the friendship and stop talking?...we we're never friends to begin with. I don't understand why she'd want to keep me around. it's driving me crazy. I know she's not really interested. Why couldn't she just be honest with me? Edited December 4, 2013 by Jame22
georgecostanza Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 We had been dating for a little over a month. I really started to like her. All of the sudden she got really flaky. The last time I tried to ask her out she responded to my text with; "you act like you're not interested." I translated this to "try harder." When I went to talk to her I told her how much I liked her and that I was moving slow because I was shy. She told me that she had issues and had been sexually abused in the past. The next day she messaged me to tell me that she needed time to work on her issues and only wanted a friendship. I thought we still had a chance for a while and I didn't know what to think...I mean you don't call a person out for not being interested if you don't want them romantically. Back to the sexual assault. Why would she bring this up? I actually like to move slow. It bothers me that she would bring up her sexual assault and then procede to dump me when I had never even tried anything more than a kiss. Should I reject the friendship and stop talking?...we we're never friends to begin with. I don't understand why she'd want to keep me around. I'm bitter as hell and it's driving me crazy. I know she's not really interested. Why couldn't she just be honest with me? She has been exceptionally honest with you. Victims of sexual abuse often find it hard to open up and tell people what happened to them. Her letting you know, and wanting to keep you round is probably a good sign in the long run. Look, she has had a huge traumatic event that has demolished her trust in men. She likes you, and wants to keep you around but the trust needs to be built up before she can let you get close. She's scared of putting herself in a compromising position in case she gets hurt again, so she wants to build things at a far slower pace. You say you've only kissed up to this point, but she will be well aware that proceeding further increases the chances of sexual intimacy, which is precisely what she is scared of at the moment. That is why she is slowing things right down. This isn't about you. Your best course of action is to be there for her and recognise what she has and is going through. Research into sexual assault and victims so you can better understand where she is coming from. Lose the bitterness, it makes you a jerk. This is the only way you can progress if you ever want to get close to her.
bubbaganoosh Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Honestly, sexual abuse is something to be taken in a very serious manner. If that's the case, then my advice is that it will bring more problems to any relationship unless the person who was abused makes an effort to get help for themselves so they can be in a relationship without this type of a hangup getting in between. If you don't know what happened, and if she doesn't tell you, then down the road you may do something that may cause her to trigger and it will blow your relationship up. There was a thread in a forum I read where a man took his wife's hand and put it on his penis while she was sleeping and it triggered her bad experience from her past. To most couples, this would be no biggie but in her case it was and it caused a bunch of problems where she brought up the word rape. See where I'm going with this? I would err on the side of caution and leave it alone and find someone else.
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