GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Ugh my toxic ex who I have maintained NC with for 2 weeks now despite several text msgs and emails from him since then, today he messages me through FB to inform me he is filing a restraining order against me tomorrow. Huh? WTF? I am just shocked! And he has threatened to inform my employer about this! I am flabberghast! I have NOT harassed him or contacted him. I have maintained NC and all of my previous communications with him repeatedly shows I want him to stop contacting me. He has nothing in the way of threats or harassment with the past communications I did have with him I am at a lost what to do? I mean can he get a restraining order based on his lies alone? How do I protect myself from him contacting my employer? Will this show up in public records? I am so aggravated and very worried this could cost me my job!
bubbaganoosh Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Good idea is to notify the police and ask them about it. Honestly though I think he's just pissed because your broke up and he wants you to come back.
Author GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Good idea is to notify the police and ask them about it. Honestly though I think he's just pissed because your broke up and he wants you to come back. No no its not that at all. I broke up with him soon this April will be 3 years. I am concerned about my job and am waiting for my friend who happens to be a social worker here in NYC to see what my options are and if need be I will go to the police station tonight. I have to work all day tomorrow. But its almost 10pm so I don't know if I am suppose to go to the police station during business hours or? Ugh I was planning to do the order of protection if he continue to harass me for another few weeks to show evidence that I have not been in touch and my past communication reflected my desire to be left alone. I have only maintained NC for the past 2 weeks :/ The only good thing that came out of this was I had no idea the ex had re-activated his FB profile and because he deactivated it while we were still dating, when he re-activated it he was listed as my current boyfriend and has access to my FB page!!! Now I have blocked his profile and I am angry he was able to keep tabs on me via FB so at least something good came out of this ongoing nightmare! He can no longer spy on me via FB! I am so pissed!
Mario79 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Geez. Do you think he has evidence to support his claim, you cant just request one of those without proof and showing the police proof of that. He may also be just threatening you as well just to get a reaction. Maintain your NC. If he contacted your employer what could he tell them about you? Hopefully its just an empty threat, but you do have evidence against him as well if you wanted to take action. 3
Author GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 I was advise to contact Safe Horizons here in the city and am about to call them now. I cannot risk my job or my professional reputation even if it is an empty threat. I am tired of the games and the drama that ALWAYS accompanies the ex. Not happy camper tonight
Mario79 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Yeah, he might be full of it, I was reading up on restraining orders and you just cant get one out of the blue you really do need to show you are in some kind of physical danger and real harassment. Probably a judge wouldn't really address it unless the evidence is clear and overwhelming. Given your exes behavior as of late, I do feel its just a threat to get a reaction from you. If you can get some kind of guidance on this and take action go for it Jen!!! You are awesome he isnt. 1
Author GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Just got off the phone with Safe Horizons. They recommended to go ahead and file a police report for harassment. And contact the Family Justice Center tomorrow morning to make an appointment. I really wish I had someone to go to the police station with me tonight. I am charging my phone because it died a little while ago but once I have 50% I am going to the nearby police station and filing a report. I am dreading it because never in a million years did I want to be forced to do something like this and yet here I am. Every time I think things cannot get worse with this man it just does. I may keep checking in on here for moral support. I just cannot jeopardize my job based on more of his crap. I am tired of worrying and every time I start to relax, he appears! I am DONE. 1
Chris715 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Based on my (very short) research into restraining orders I actually saw the opposite of what people here are saying, that restraining orders are in fact granted far too often and with very little evidence to actual stalking, harassment, etc. Restraining order Check out the part about Burden of Proof and Misuse. So I would say it's good that you're taking this seriously and it's a good move you're thinking about filing harassment charges at this point. Hope you deal with this a-hole and dish out what's coming to him
Author GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Well I did it, first I did as Yasuandio suggested which is go to Dunkin Donuts and got me a dozen donuts then headed to the police station. Before I went I printed out the past 2 weeks of emails/texts and stapled it together in chronological order. The officers were impressed with me. I filed a report for aggravated harrassment. It took about an hour and a half but it was worth it. At the end the nice officer gave me my DIR (Domestic Incident Report) as well as his contact information. He says both the crime unit and the domestic violence unit will be notified of my DIR. In a few hrs when I get up to go to work, I will give the Family Justice Center a call to make an appointment to find out what to do next? I am also suppose to follow up the police report in a few days and speak with someone in the Domestic Violence Unit. So there you have it. I took measures to protect myself and my reputation. How dare my ex threaten my job! No effing way! 3
Author GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Sorry I wasn't clear but yes I finally handed them the donuts. It was extremely awkward because they weren't the freshest. I was nervous cuz there was like 4 of them hanging around and all GUYS! I fumbled along about how I wanted to show my appreciation for helping me out. And I think the donuts saved me from a trip to a different precinct because I was informed I was at the wrong one even though it is the most geographically the closest one to my home. Yeah I think somehow the donuts and me being me, they decided to make the time for me. (On a side note, I convinced the DD cashier to give me a discount on the day old donuts and she knocked off 50%! ) But of course these were NY cops and so I didn't see anyone eat them except I dunno what to call the guy? a neighborly friendly crackhead eat 2 of my donuts. I really couldn't figure out this guy twitching nearby and making googly eyes at me Back to the donuts, whether or not they were really appreciated its hard to say but they were decent to me. The officer who filed my report was cool. Not overly chatty but not downright rude or made me feel like an intrusion. The fact he was sweet enough to give me his direct contact information in case I had any problems at my precinct during the follow-up I can contact him he and the other one guy er officer were both really cute! I kind of enjoyed the view in a Law and Order sort of way 1
RDawg Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 You're one funny girl. I can't believe you gave them expired baked goods.
Mario79 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Well I did it, first I did as Yasuandio suggested which is go to Dunkin Donuts and got me a dozen donuts then headed to the police station. Before I went I printed out the past 2 weeks of emails/texts and stapled it together in chronological order. The officers were impressed with me. I filed a report for aggravated harrassment. It took about an hour and a half but it was worth it. At the end the nice officer gave me my DIR (Domestic Incident Report) as well as his contact information. He says both the crime unit and the domestic violence unit will be notified of my DIR. In a few hrs when I get up to go to work, I will give the Family Justice Center a call to make an appointment to find out what to do next? I am also suppose to follow up the police report in a few days and speak with someone in the Domestic Violence Unit. So there you have it. I took measures to protect myself and my reputation. How dare my ex threaten my job! No effing way! I am glad, that is really one huge step in self respect and well being. Well done:)
Author GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 After yesterday message from the toxic ex telling me he is going to file a restraining order on me today and NOT to contact him anymore. He sends me 5 texts messages tonight which were mostly nasty, verbally abusive and again threatens my job! He basically wrote 'would love to sit down with you and analyze all this bull**** you claim....or is it just going to be no response since you are a lying whore...last chance to either back up your bull**** or finally leave people alone' huh? I have maintained NC since Nov 23rd when the last thing I ever communicated to him was 'As I have said repeatedly I don't want to stay in contact. I don't know what you want from me anymore but please stop' But since then he has contacted me 5xs or more and every single time its a demand to see me in person. I have not replied to any of it. I am not going to undo my stand of NC. I want this creep out of my life! I don't want the police or the court system to think I am wishy washy. Nope I will not give my ex the satisfaction of getting a rise out of me. Or to engage me with more of his toxicity! But because he once again mentioned contacting my employer I had no choice but to do as my friend who is a social worker advise. Which is to inform my boss about this situation and the possibility my ex will try to commit defamation of my character with whatever lies he can think up of. It was extremely humiliating and I never in a million years would have told anyone at my place of employment about this craziness! I rather my boss know of the possibility she may get some weird phone call or email from my ex then to have him slander my name and then my job decides to investigate me based on his lies. On Friday I will go to the Family Justice Center for legal advice and what to do next? I must admit, I really did think after last night message about filing a restraining order against me and telling me he never wants to hear from me again that would be the last I hear from him. Usually he likes to have the final word and this way he can fool himself into thinking he really told me off. But no, tonight shows me he is never going to stop. My biggest fear currently besides him trying to ruin me professionally is to post lies about me online next as he is notorious for that kind of thing. I woke up with a sore throat today, I think the stress of all of this is making me ill. I am exhausted and trying to keep one foot in front of the other. I have a bad headache tonight and am about to crawl into bed, with some cough drops to soothe my sore throat. I just want this horrid ordeal to be over with! 1
Mario79 Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I am proud of you. You made the right choices. I have been with a cold and that does bring you down emotionally. Keep at it. If he spreads lies, you really cant control that and trying to engage in defense may end up leading to some kind of indirect contact. You can still document all this stuff, and hopefully your employer will have the sound mind to question gossip over facts, plus you have your evidence of how nuts this guy is. There is due process. You may have done things in the past, but that is in the past. You are trying to take control and this guy is showing just how little restraint and impulsive he is. You are stronger than you know. 1
Chris715 Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Sorry to hear this Jenn, looks like we're both having rough nights I definitely think it was a smart move to talk to your boss just in case. This guy sounds like an immature a-hole and most likely everything he's said the last couple of days are empty threats to warrant some kind of reaction from you, get you to break NC, whatever. Stay strong and stay on track with the NC. Chances are he'll get completely fed up and leave you alone. 1
Author GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 Much appreciated the words of encouragement. And Chris I am not very hopefully he will ever leave me alone All of this has made me realize that I do need an order of protection and I intend to file one. Immature or not, threats were made and verbal abuse has continued unwarranted.
organizedchaos Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I don't remember if it was already suggested, but block his number!
Author GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 But I don't think it stops text messages maybe just voice based calls? Besides I kind of need to keep whatever he sends me for when I do file the restraining order or order of protection anyways. As far as I am concerned he can continue to make an a$$ out of himself and bombard me with verbal abuse which only helps my case.
Chris715 Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Well it's good you're being proactive about all of this then if you feel he's not going to let it be. I can only imagine how hard it must be to file a harassment suit against someone you used to care about, it's crazy how much people change 1
Author GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 Actually that's why I slept so poorly last night after I came home from the police station. It certainly doesn't make me feel better but at the same time when he threatened my employment that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I can't take that and I have worked too hard to get where I am and for him to even make empty threats and continue to verbally harass me it is just unacceptable. I am erasing 'sucker' off my forehead with my ex. I can't keep feeding his ego or getting caught up in this unrelenting poison. I escaped from this almost 3 years ago and up until last month I had been doing so well. He just happened to catch me at a really vulnerable time and I am paying the price for it now.
Chris715 Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 (edited) Gotta say you seem like you're handling it really well though. Stay strong Maybe we both just need to ride out these tough times in our lives and learn something from them. Edited December 5, 2013 by Chris715
Author GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 I am really upset by the whole thing and its actually making me sick All of the stress that has occurred these past few weeks is so unnecessary. I used to tell the ex, that some people need drama, chaos to feel alive and he's one of them. If he isn't angry/combating/blaming someone else he isn't 'happy.' The man wears misery like its a badge of honor or something? The ex would also go out of his way to make everyone around him miserable too by mistreating or manipulating them. That was entertainment for him. Looking back I remember when I would see him do that to others and remarking to him it wasn't nice he somehow convinced me otherwise. I have mixed emotions, I am angry to be caught up in all this. It has hit my psyche hard. It has me doubting my ability to recognize when someone is unhealthy for me. This doesn't just apply to my ex but my current best friend has been treating me pretty sh*tty the past 2 years and I am trying to set boundaries with her. And I know if things don't improve, I have to spend a lot less time with her. Personally it seems, I put up with too much crap, I have to work on that. I really do. Obviously it reflects my childhood where I spent a lot of time witnessing certain unhealthy behaviors. I walked on eggshells a lot growing up so I am an expert at putting other people's needs ahead of my own. I guess I place more value in others specifically the ones I care for then on myself and need to learn to love myself and blah blah blah... Then I have moments where I remember the few enduring things or qualities about the ex or just feel like crap overall. I do however despite all of this nonsense, been making every effort to keep going, maintaining my work and social routine. And I am surprised that the more time goes by doing the NC, the easier it gets. I agree with one other commenter from my other thread, they were right that I was wrong to have allowed him to contact me all this time since the breakup. Even though many times I would tell him to stop contacting me I would cave in (same as when we were in a relationship) and allow him contact. I have learned that I cannot be friends with my exes, after living and sharing my life with each of them for more than 5 years, I just can't trust them. I don't care what anyone else says or if I am the dumpee or dumper as I was one of each with both of my 2 long term exes. I am too sensitive and when the trust is gone, there's no going back. Its kind of like a shattered mirror. Sure you can glue it back together again but its never look the same. My mirror with my ex has been smashed so much its like fricking glitter dust now Boy I feel much better for venting! see a roller-coaster of emotions, what fun! and lots of emi-cons tonight 1
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