Need Advice ... Special Circumstance - In Love with MM (Best Friend)

[LoveHurtz]

I have done tons of reading online and also infidelity books as well and I can't seem to find ANY examples exactly like mine.

 

I have had a man that has been my best friend for 5 years now. We tried getting together in the beginning of our friendship, but I was not attracted to him at the time and I thought we'd be better off friends. I was a lot more immature then too.

 

Anyway, time went on and we both got into other relationships but still talked everyday and remained very close. He got engaged 2 1/2 yrs ago to a really nice woman. I was happy for him, but I had mixed feelings because I think deep down I knew my feelings for him were deeper than I wanted to acknowledge. Two weeks before the wedding we kissed and it was the most amazing experience ... there were fireworks and intense passion that I had never experienced with anyone. We both knew that the love we had was a lot deeper.

 

However, the wedding was already planned and paid for and we both thought maybe the feelings would disappear after he went to the altar.

 

Needless to say, that didn't happen. The relationship has grown even more intense in the last year. His wife found emails he sent me on their honeymoon, yet chose to forgive him. He has left once, but went back b/c he said he feels so guilty hurting her since she is innocent in all of this. She didn't see it coming at all.

 

I understand that she doesn't deserve it, but I am in pain too. He says he is in love with me and he knows he is only hurting himself by staying. A few days ago we talked for a long time and he said that he wants to initiate what has to be done and leave his wife so that I don't have to hurt anymore by waiting on something to happen.

 

I am also in a relationship but I am not in love at all, even though my boyfriend is a great guy. MM doesn't expect me to make any changes in my current relationship until he has left.

 

The dilemma is ... I don't know if this just another MM trying to hang onto me and stay married at the same time. I feel it is different b/c we had a relationship before the wife came into the picture. But, I don't know if I am fooling myself.

 

PLEASE HELP....I am tired of being in limbo.

[Curt]

I look at this comment...

 

However, the wedding was already planned and paid for and we both thought maybe the feelings would disappear after he went to the altar.

 

IMHO...

 

The marriage was in trouble as soon as he realized the love you both had for each other. He subsequently made the carnal mistake of confusing the financial obligation of the booked wedding, with the spiritual/emotional committment he had to his "now" wife to do what was right for her. The wedding to her at that point was NOT the best thing for her (or for him).

 

He was not OBLIGATED to continue with a massive life altering decision for BOTH OF THEM like getting married, even if a wedding was already paid for. IMHO, if he had truly loved his "now" wife, he would have never allowed the altar visit to happen, with huge doubts in his mind and heart.

 

He acted out of confusion, not committment.

 

I doubt the marriage will last.

 

But what do I know...what does HE think about it all?

 

Curt

[SummerRae]

I think you will find from reading the posts around here that ONLY you can make that decision. I honestly have not listened to my family or friends, who all gave me mixed advice. Some said MM loves me, some said he is a loser, liar, or a cheat (and many other names, I won't get into) but only I could decide for myself.

 

Because of some MM inability to act on their feelings of "love", I have come to the conclusion that those are the men that are wasting our time. For a while I was telling myself that it was like Bridges of Madison County, that he loved me more than his wife (never mind that he has been married to her for 12+ years!) Some days it gave me comfort to think we were soul mates. But honestly, after coming here, and taking an honest look at other's posts, it has been like looking in the mirror. It's always going to feel "different" when it's our selves because only WE know the way WE feel inside.

 

Just today I was reading something someone posted about MM possibly "loving" us but they don't love us ENOUGH. Enough to leave their wives, enough to give us what we are so longing for at this very moment and on all the other moments, like holidays, weekends, etc...

 

Those words were a bit of a reality check for me. I'm not going to fool myself though, just because it feels like I see things clearer at this exact moment, I know that the past few months have been such an emotional roller coaster that the feelings aren't likely to just disappear. (Although I am praying to the Creater every day that they do!)

 

I have come to the conclution that it's going to take more than praying to resolve this mess but that I have to for ME. I am going to set him free. If he contacts me, I'm not responding unless he is 100% single man and has sent me a copy of the divorce papers and has spent enough time alone to have healed from his marriage. And even then, will I take him back??? I doubt it. Why? Because I cannot and will not bear to have my heart broken again.

 

It's all up to you honey. How much strength are you WILLING to muster??? I say "willing" because strength is a choice. We choose every day whether we want to be courageous or not.

 

Good luck

[LoveHurtz]

But what do I know...what does HE think about it all?

 

Curt

 

Curt ... He says that he wants to leave because he is unhappy and he knows that he is not only hurting himself, he is also hurting her by depriving her of the love she deserves also.

 

She is very codependent on him though and makes him feel as if her happiness is completely dependent on him. They have even been to marriage counseling to no avail. MM and I have also been to therapy together, even the therapist seemed to see our bond with each other.

 

It's just hard b/c he is in the wrong for not postponing the marriage, or calling it off completely. He admits he was a coward, but he says he doesn't want to be a coward anymore. So, all I can do is wait and see I guess. Ultimatums don't work, that only makes it worse.

 

We loved each other before he even met her. I'm just kicking myself in the behind for not giving him a chance when we were both single. But, love has a mind of its own I guess.

[LoveHurtz]

Good luck

 

Thanks alot SummerRae ... I need the luck and the moral support. It's even harder since he has been my best friend since before the marriage. But, the feelings of being the OW are the same. We have tried the NC thing and it's just a cycle. Neither of us can do it, we are too much a part of each others lives.

 

Thanks alot!! Take care and good for you for thinking of yourself and whats best for you.

[Curt]

LoveHurtz, you said ....

I'm just kicking myself in the behind for not giving him a chance when we were both single. But, love has a mind of its own I guess.

 

But, in your first post, you said...

We tried getting together in the beginning of our friendship, but I was not attracted to him at the time and I thought we'd be better off friends.

 

Please explain this to me ... was it purely a lack of physical attraction that happened to mess things up at the start? Or was it a "no chemistry thing?"

 

What happened to change that do you think?

 

Curt

[LoveHurtz]

Please explain this to me ... was it purely a lack of physical attraction that happened to mess things up at the start? Or was it a "no chemistry thing?"

 

What happened to change that do you think?

 

Curt

 

It's a long story, but to make a long story short....when we first met we were both obese. I had my stomach stapled 1 yr after we met and lost 200 lbs. I am now normal weight and attractive. I think I wasn't attracted to him b/c I hated the fact that I was overweight and felt unattractive. The, he had his stomach stapled a few months after me and lost alot of weight. But, he didn't lose nearly as much as me and is still very overweight. That is why I said I was immature before. I eventually fell in love with him from the inside out....it just took a few years. So, as you can see there is alot to the story. I have been told I need to be on a talk show before but I wouldn't want to be on TV... But, to answer your question, the chemistry was always there. When I am with him, I feel so content and at peace. I hope that things work out. But, what do you think is a reasonable time for me to wait for him to take action?

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by LoveHurtz

Good luck

 

Thanks alot SummerRae ... I need the luck and the moral support. It's even harder since he has been my best friend since before the marriage. But, the feelings of being the OW are the same. We have tried the NC thing and it's just a cycle. Neither of us can do it, we are too much a part of each others lives.

 

Thanks alot!! Take care and good for you for thinking of yourself and whats best for you.

 

LoveHurtz,

 

Hon, you for sure need the moral support right now more than ever! That is why I'm coming to this site. I think we all need to reach out when we're in pain, if we're ever to fully heal and break the "cycle." (ie, stop anything like this from happening again, not allow it to happen again.) I know it's easier said than done. Sometimes love can be blind. BUT it is NO reason to de-value ourselves because of "hard luck and losses and loves double crosses."

 

If you have loved more than once before, which many of us have, then you see that there can and will be love again. Hang in there chica.

 

I know that I just have to take it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. I called my mom this afternoon from work crying about MM. She's like, "you're not upset about him are you?" Needless to say, she wasn't very comforting about it. She doesn't like to see what he's done to me, it just angers her, understandably. If this happened to my daughter, I'd be pi$$ed too.

 

N e how, my boss said something at work today that really made me think (my boss and I are very good friends), "two people can be soul mates, but it doesn't make them life mates." Totally true.

 

When I first found out MM was married I went to see a counsellor because I couldn't stop thinking about it and she said, "honey, you were soul mates. Just because society doesn't approve and it wasn't 'right' doesn't mean what you had was not authentic."

 

Again, I happen to think that is true. At least it gives me more closure than thinking I was used and abused by some sociopath, (which in all honesty, I don't believe he was, I just think he didn't know how to end his marriage, was being selfish, ect...) but for me there's no point in "hating him". I can get mad, which helps sometimes but truly if I hate him, I feel like I'm hating myself too.

 

JMHO.

 

Take care