A strange story of being a dumper then a dumpee, then heartbreak!

[AustralianGuy]

Hi all,

 

Firstly, wow, I love this forum, it has really helped me to read other peoples stories and realise that I am not alone! Break ups can be so hard, but with great support you can get through this.

 

For everyone with a broken heart, I hope you mend soon, as that is what I am hoping for.

 

I am a total newbie to this forum so please forgive me if I am not "doing it right lol" I am also Australian so you may see some terminology you don't understand, just let me know if any slang is not clear.

 

So g'day (lol), here is my story, I am 44 yo who has never married, never had kids, and currently, a single guy. I always said I would not marry until I met "the one" I guess that has has'nt happened so far, but I was really close recently !

 

So I thought I had met the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with (lets call her girl A) and I was with her for 5 years, but there was just something there that was stopping me from asking her to marry me, and this grated away on our relationship and the relationship was becoming more and more stale, until we were like ships passing in the night "at one stage we weren't even sleeping in the same room and hadn't made love for over 3 months!"

 

During this time I had met a really nice girl "totally only a friend, absolutely no cheating happened, just to be clear" She was only 32 "Im 44" but we had many things in common as we met on motorcycle forum track day. (Lets call her girl B)

 

Girl B and I instantly hit it off as friends and when my partner (Girl A) was busy with her training "she runs marathons and travels all over Australia and the world to run them" I would spend time with her talking motorcycles and going on rides with just her, or sometimes in a group with other riders.

 

I confided in girl B about my relationship troubles at home with girl A and she always provided advice without any sort of bias or romantic interest in me whatsoever. I eventually said to her I think I need to break up with my current partner (girl A) as it is clear there is no longer any love there, albeit lots of respect and friendship, and I should allow us both the opportunity to move on with our lives in the hope of finding happiness.

 

So one Sunday night I sent a text to my partner (girl A) asking her "as she was out with friends" if we could arrange some time later this evening to have a chat, as I feel we need to discuss some important aspects of what is happening to us. She replied immediately and totally agreed we need to talk "maybe it was already on her mind as well?"

 

So she (girl A) came home that night, we talked for hours, lots of crying and opening our souls to each other, and we agreed that it just wasn't happening for us anymore and we had grown apart. We agreed our relationship should end, and that we would remain the best of friends, after a period of time of course, to let us both heal. You cant spend five years of your life with someone and not stay friends, especially when there is no cheating or hatred or any other reason for the break up apart from drifting apart, this is how we both felt.

 

So two weeks later my then ex partner (girl A) moved out of our house together. I had kept the girl I met at the track in the loop as well as a few close personal friends as they were all being so supportive of my decision and could see how hard is was for me (yes people, being the dumper is not always easy either)

 

A few weeks later when I was starting to feel a little normal again and the tears and sleepless nights had stopped, the girl I met at the track (girl B) who had become my friend, asked me out to dinner! I was totally shocked, she is a stunningly beautiful 32 yo who a lot of the guys on our riders forum liked, but she had asked me, yes ME, out?

 

So we had the dinner date, it was great, she looked so beautiful, I had never really seen her dressed up, just in her bike gear lol, a helmet isn't all that attractive haha, but I always thought she looked hot on her bike We kissed that night, and she had told me that I had her "hook line and sinker"

 

The next morning she totally blew me away and sent a kind of "im scared" text saying "I cant promise you anything, I think it's best we leave it for now" I was pretty upset, as I was thinking, wtf just happened??

 

Later that night, after work, we spoke about what happened and she confided in me that she had a met a guy when on a holiday overseas, and that she liked him very much, but she was never sure if he was ever going to pursue anything other than a long distance relationship and it had been 6 months since she had last seen him in person, even though he sent her flowers from overseas on her birthday, and said he may be coming to Asia (not exactly Australia) and might pop in to Australia on his way through.

 

Because we had been such good friends I offerd my honest advice, I just said you need to make a decision on what it is you want, and stop holding out and waiting for something that may never happen. I also said to her that if I was truly head over heels for a girl and wanted to pursue something with her, that distance wouldn't be an issue as I would visit her as often as a could with the hope of moving to their town, state, or country to be with them. She took a few days to think of her situation then one night when we were out again, she was very romantic with me and confessed that she told the holiday guy she had met someone and was moving on with her life. Which made me happy, but I knew it was a tough decision for her to make.

 

So as the weeks went by, I was still being a bit guarded and cautious mind you, our relationship slowly blossomed. We has so much fun together, on and off the bikes, she was so easy to be with, it just seemed so right, she confided many things in me, like I said to her one night, where have you been all my life, and she said waiting for you!, she also posted beautiful things on her facebook page, such as, one person eventually comes along and makes you realise why it never worked out with anybody else. We were truly falling in love and everything just felt perfect and so right. No signs of any trouble, and we didn't even argue, not once ! We couldn't get enough of each other.

 

Then "here is comes" after 5 weeks together, and 1 week after our first month anniversary, which we celebrated in a beautiful 20th floor hotel overlooking the stunning Gold Coast "google it, it is beautiful" Girl B asks to come over to my place "to chat". I thought, hello, what is going on here?

 

When she arrives she is very cold, no kisses and big hugs like I used to get, she sits on the sofa opposite the main sofa and tells me she cant do this anymore, as I am "too normal and there is no spark" Ummm, I am sorry? By normal meaning stable with no issues, and no spark? I wont tell you some of the things we did in our 5 weeks together but I dont think "spark" was an issue, it really did sound like a cop out excuse because she couldn't come up with any real reason to end what seemed to be the perfect relationship.

 

I was shocked, yes i did cry a bit, and I said to her the reason I am so upset is it has taken me 44 years on this earth to find who I thought was "the one" and she doesn't think I am the one, which I was totally led to believe "we were organising fertility testing together, she has shown me rings she loved, we were meant to be moving in together in Jan this year when her lease on her apartment expired, all this had been discussed, not something you so with someone when there is no "spark" and who is "too normal"

 

So I watched girl B walk out of my life and it broke my heart. I was a total mess, I stopped looking at her facebook page, didnt visit the bike forum page and stopped going on social rides and track days as I was so scared of seeing her.

 

I did hear from her on the first two days after our break up, she texted and asked if I was ok as she was worried about me. But that is all that was really said, I did text back and say well no I am not doing that good, I am pretty hurt, and all she said was sorry, and how she wishes things were "different"

 

Then 4 weeks after no contact, I decided to break the NC rule and just sent her a simple text saying, hey, hope you are ok and happy, just wanted to say hello, you are missed, cheers, me x. I didn't hear anything back.

 

Then after the 5th week of us being apart, I heard from her on a Sunday night just asking if I had a good weekend. We ended up text chatting for about an hour or so but it was just general talk of life, no chat of us or apologies or I want you back or anything.

 

The next morning, I find out she has posted a pic of her and the holiday guy, mentioned above, in our city "so he was in the country and visited her" and she said "a final goodbye, I am heartbroken.

 

Ah haa, I thought immediately, it all makes sense now, I knew there had to be a reason why she left as everything just didn't make sense, but it does now. She just didnt tell me, I feel, the real reason she left.

 

So, I guess i just want to open this up for comment, as I am just a bit lost and confused. I am not a player, and only ended my previous relationship because I thought it needed to happen.

 

Here is where everything stands now.

 

Girl A (39 yo) is heartbroken but is such a sweet girl and really does want us to try to work things out with councilling sessions and spending some quality time together as friends again to reconnect with what attracted us to each other in the first place.

 

Girl B (32yo) is making random contact after pretty much lying to me and breaking my heart in the process, has not made any signs of an apology or asking to get back together, but she hurt me badly, even though I still have strong feelings for her, and it appears the holiday guy is out of the picture for good and has returned home to his country.

 

Please help me forum peeps, I am not a player or a heart breaker, I just honestly want to find the right girl for me and live a happy life.

 

I just don't know what to do.

 

Thanks for reading if you got this far

 

Australian Guy

[Zoe Lilith]

..If you have no feelings for the (girl A), let her be. Yes, she will be heart broken but it's nothig comparing to what she would have to go thru if you guys got back together and you changed your mind. If you don't "feel it" anymore, it's OK. Don't get back with her just because you don't want to be the "bad guy" or because you feel sorry for her. as far as the (girl B)is concerned, she doesn't seem to be willing t be in a serious relationship. I think you should do some serious "soul search" and you will find the answer. Good luck

[fixing]

Hi Australian Guy. Sorry to hear of your terrible pain. Well written post. I say, girl B can go to hell! She played you with this other jerk, and she will continue screwing you around if you keep pursuing her. Write her off and go strictly No contact.

If you still love Girl A, i think you need to meet up and lay all the cards on the table, take it slow, and find that spark, and light it up!!!

 

Consider couple counselling, do anything to rekindle the old flame. You have 5 years experience together.

 

RUN FAR AWAY FROM GIRL B THOUGH!

[AustralianGuy]

Thanks Zoe and Thanks fixing, for your replies.

 

Yes, it is so hard, I just don't know what to do. Five years with one girl (Girl A) is a long time and she truly is an angel walking this earth, I know she would do anything for me but I am just so unsure if I am in love with her or just love her. I definately still have feelings but not sure what those feeling are.

 

Girl B caused me so much heartache and I really do feel like I am going to be her second choice, but I guess I feel we never had the time or opportunity to let our relationship grow, should a chance be given as it was an honest error of judgement at a very early stage of a new relationship. Can I honestly blame her for not wanting to "die wondering" and just giving it a try to perhaps make sure I was the one?

 

Soooo many questions, sooo much pain and confusion.

 

Thanks heaps for chatting and posting, keep it coming

[fixing]

Well, girl B has harbored feelings for this other guy for over 6 months right? Even though they were in different countries? Sounds like her heart is set on that guy unfortunately and you will always be second choice, and you dont want that!

I dont know man, im a little younger than you, and tbh, i wish i had an ex of 5 years that still loved me, and i towards her. I would work on that. Life is to short, and you never know, some man could have his preying eyes on Girl A right now to swoop her away.

We're not teenagers anymore. The older we get the harder it is to find the right partner.

Obviously you gotta be true to yourself and to girl A, just know that if you decide on staying single, then some other man might step in and cut you out of the equation.

 

Good luck though, and my stance still stands on girl b, she is a little flakey and immature for my liking.

[AustralianGuy]

You make a lot of sense fixing, you are not the first person to call girl B flakey and immature, those exact words were used by a friend of mine.

 

You are also correct that I need to work on my feelings towards girl A, I am a very young at heart and relatively young looking 44 yo, so I never seem to have any trouble meeting women, but girl A truly is a sweetheart, I just cant put my finger on why I am not more head over heels for her? She would cross oceans for me whereas girl B wouldn't even get her feet wet in a puddle.

 

Could it be that after 5 years that I am complacent and not missing her enough? Should we perhaps spend a little bit more time apart so i can work out if I miss her enough to want her back?

 

You are right though, have to be wary of time as she is an attractive woman with a big heart, any guy would be thrilled to have her as their partner, what the hell is wrong with me??

 

Grrr so frustrating.

 

Thanks again for the chat, I am really appreciating the input from people who can look in from outside the square.

[headinthecloud]

Whatever you do right now, do not make life decisions. You're too emotional and fear can push us to make decisions that we're not ready to make.

 

I think you were heartbroken over Girl A and you didn't give yourself enough time to heal. Then you fell for girl B because she made the pain go away. In either case, you're recovering from a BU so my advice is take time to heal. Date, but casually - nothing serious for at least 6mos or until you can restabilize your emotional foundation.

 

First things first, NC. See the pinned thread in the "coping" section. Then read barky2's post on the broken hearted. And then try the breakup recovery guide (Topics of Breakup Recovery Guide). Lastly, post here. Post as often as you need to.

 

Once you feel more secure about who you are and what you want in life, then you can start to think about girl A and if there's a future there. Be patient with yourself. Time heals all wounds.

Edited December 4, 2013 by headinthecloud

[strive]

I think the best route for you is to spend some time alone and work on yourself, figure out exactly what you want.

 

You had the GIGS with Girl A. It's okay to have friends of the opposite sex, but what you did with Girl B while you're with Girl A is technically emotional cheating. Confiding to the opposite sex about problems with your SO is the first red flag (even if you said there were no biases or romantic interest there). It builds emotional connection. If you ended your story with infidelity I wouldn't have been surprised, but I'm glad you didn't go that route unlike like most people. Still, you should have talked to your male friends instead.

 

And then what happened with Girl B, you thought things would be great then it turned out sour. You saw that "the grass was NOT greener" and now your mind is going back to Girl A again and want to go back to having a relationship with her.

 

If you don't mind may I ask, do you have a history of jumping from one relationship to another? As in serial monogamy? Because just like headinthecloud said, you never gave yourself time to heal. And by 'time' it doesn't mean just weeks. It's months and for some people even years. If you do, then this might be why you felt that your RS with Girl A turned 'stale' after a few years. Your mind is subconsciously yearning for that excitement, the one you feel whenever you find someone new. It's what drew you to Girl B.

 

But if you don't have that history, then you and Girl A probably just don't get along well enough for a long term RS. I suggest you just leave her alone than prolong her healing. Don't go back to her because she is a 'safe' bet. Nobody deserves to be a second option.

[Am4Real]

Wow, long post but I made my way through it. Let me return the favor…

 

After reading your narrative I only see one issue and that is you trying to understand, process and heal from the [highlight]“brief” encounter with girl B[/highlight], as you also told us you previously lost feelings for girl A even before meeting B and frankly at this point girl A will be compared with girl b (and will always be compared). Not exactly the basis for success in returning to girl A.

 

So let’s talk about girl B.

 

She’s young, single and reaching what many would call a decision point in her life. She has crossed over into that next decade when women are considering a marital partner, children, a stable life and so on. I’ve met some that encounter this at 28-29 as the clock ticks away towards 30, while some miss their self-imposed deadline and the realities of single life linger into their 30’s. Regardless, the indecision and self-pressures are underlying – this can bring about confusion, hesitation and even erratic choices. These factors can be at odds and opposite to each other but understand they are often at play for many.

 

You are describing girl B in this fashion.

 

She appears to have met you and developed a friendship through your bike club, after which getting to know you over time, may have crossed her mind as you being a potential partner. Surely based on your common interests your conversation flowed easy and attraction was established. You also describe her confusion over the last person in her life and perhaps she had not quite let him go…obvious to logic she would have had to make a life changing decision to be with him in another country, but this indecisive period in her life had her confused. How confused is she? Well she met him on Holiday…so I hardly think she knows him at all, and soon after is talking long-term with you even stating “she had been waiting her whole for you”. There’s an orange flag one its way to red.

 

So what did all this confusion lead to? It led her to be straight up and “almost” honest with you telling you she could not see you anymore, followed by her rendezvous with out-of-country guy what is apparently several weeks “after” breaking up with you. Again, she played it pretty straight in my opinion.

 

What could you have done differently…absolutely nothing?

 

What could she have done differently…absolutely nothing for her, after all she was honest with you, told you it was over, didn’t cheat on you, and she let you go with dignity. As a matter of fact even after your fist date she sent you a text telling you she wasn’t sure and later that night told you the entire story of the Holiday chap.

 

As you wrote… “she confided in me that she had a met a guy when on a holiday overseas, and that she liked him very much, but she was never sure if he was ever going to pursue anything other than a long distance relationship and it had been 6 months since she had last seen him in person, even though he sent her flowers from overseas on her birthday, and said he may be coming to Asia (not exactly Australia) and might pop in to Australia on his way through”

 

You can’t get any straighter than that!

 

Look, you two only dated 5 weeks. That is short and certainly within a period for someone to change direction or decide if there really into the relationship.

 

You asked the board for comments and to me it sounds like you were really into her and she was checking you out to see if she could get into you. Unfortunately she couldn’t.

 

Don’t take it personally – she is finding her way. Let her go find it and don’t send her anymore texts.

 

Yes it sucks, but she did what few DUMPERS do – she was straight with you. Again, it sucks to be on the losing end of things but at least you know exactly where you stand.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[AustralianGuy]

Ok a few replies, and thanks everyone for talking to me about this

 

#headinthecloud, I dont honestly know if I was heartrbroken over girl A as it seemed to me the relationship was probably over a long time ago, if you know what I mean. When she left the apartment we shared I was a little bit sad, but i dont honestly think I was heartbroken. I do know I hated hurting her and that made me feel terrible. Thanks for the links, I will look through them

 

#strive, Of course I dont mind you asking, no, I am not a serial relationship jumper, prior to meeting girl A I was single and just doing my own thing for about 3 years. I honestly dont feel I need a relationship to be happy, but I guess these two girls seemed to me to be the two most awesome girls I had met in my life "honestly"

 

#amforreal, thanks for your comments, yes, i guess she was straight with me to a point, but I guess she could of honestly told me what her intentions were rather than just cutting it off cold with me, as her reasons did sound very weak. We always said we would be honest with each other, I guess it really hurt knowing she couldn't be 100% honest with me when I suspected all along that there was another reason for the break up. She did contact me again immediately after he went home. I find that interesting. The other reason I am puzzled, why go to all that effort of fertility testing, looking at rings, getting me to sign a new lease on my apartment so she can move in if you really weren't that into the relationship? If she had honestly said to me, it's just physical so dont get emotionally involved, I would of been up for that. I am open minded enough to deal with that sort of arragement, but she didn't, she promised massive commitment then, see ya!! and now she is contacting me again. Grrr, frustrating

 

Thanks again everyone, having this talk is really helping, keep the comments coming, constructive criticism and constructive praise is always welcomed.

[AustralianGuy]

Just an update to my story everyone.

 

Totally unrelated to my break up with her, I decided to sell my track bike as I wanted to move up to a bigger track bike, and guess what?

 

Out of the blue "Girl B" posts on the forum that I advertised the bike on saying "Really? Hmmmm" then texts me and says "you are really selling Suzy? Are you ok?"

 

Suzy is naturally the nickname of my Suzuki, but she knew I called my bike that affectionately.

 

What do I do forum? Do I keep no contact or should I reply with something?

 

Totally lost as to what to do at the moment. Any help would be great.

[confused192]

I wouldn't reply. She is getting in touch with you probably more out of feelings of guilt than anything else (you had mentioned that she texted you two days after the break up to see if you were okay-- same thing.) Or perhaps she wants to see if she's still got you "on the line" so to speak. Either way, she's fishing and I wouldn't give her the satisfaction (that's just my opinion!)

 

I would not reply, but if you do keep it short and to the point. Don't give away anything emotional. I wish you the best of luck!!

[lop98]

please dont diagnose 'gigs' here, there's no love between him and girl A, there's gratitude and affection but not love, it's all over his story in the fact that girl a only shows at the beginning like the relationship with her was the most boring thing in the world and she's brought up at the end like the second best a 'sweetheart' like her is meant to be. Yes, 5 years is a lot but it's not 25 years, she is heartbroken but she will be fine... if you leave her alone, and whether she's an amazing girl who loves you is irrelevant because you stopped loving her, the relationship did not work out and the best tribute you can pay to her qualities and experience together is to let her heal and find someone who loves her the way she deserves.

 

just focus on yourself for a while, enjoy being on your own again, being single may feel like the end of the world at first but I can assure you it's not and it can be a quality time of introspection.

[Survivor12]

As for girl A, please leave her alone. If she is such a sweet girl and you care about her, "trying" to make yourself be content in a relationship with her will only end up hurting her.

 

As for girl B, she was straight with you about her feelings for the other guy. She enjoyed dating you, but dating someone for a few weeks is not necessarily an indication of long-term commitment--particularly when one person has romantic interest in another person. The fact that she likes you and continues to contact you does not mean that her feelings for you--or the other guy--have changed. It also doesn't make her a bad person. (Ironically, she likely feels about you as you do about girl A.) The problem is that being "just friends" with her when you want more will only prolong your disappointment and pain.

 

I agree with the others who have advised putting distance between yourself and both of them. Both are dead-ends at the end of a road filled with angst. Time to clear your head & then move on.

[conf]

in love/spark: is in our mind and its root is the excitement of getting the thing that attracted us. So over time you will feel less in love...

 

love: is action/choice

 

attraction: is what we dont have/sth new

 

if people understood this, they will appreciate what they have

[AustralianGuy]

Thanks again for continuing to help me through this everyone, I have yet again heard from her at 2am in the morning this morning. It was a FB message asking why I didn't reply to her last text (a few days earlier) and if I am ok? I still haven't replied, trying to be strong with no contact but I do wonder if she is making a genuine attempt to get me back in her life? To date there has been no mention of her wanting me back, she just keeps asking if I am ok. We split about 4 weeks ago!