DonM77 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 They have been separated for four years and div two. They have a 19 year old daughter who lives with us. They were also married 20 years. The daughter got the unfortunate news he had passed unexpectedly yesterday. My step daughter is obviously devastated. Last night while in bed my go cried most of the night. She keeps talking like she doesn't know what to do. Today she told me she never thought she would have to bury him. She's a talking like they were still married. I understand they had a child tog and we're married a long time but I don't get all the emotion and talk like she has anything to do with it now.he has a father and three siblings to handle this. It's very difficult seeing her like this .I don't want to come off selfish but this all seems odd to me. I know she loves me. Is this normal to be this upset over the passing of someone she div or I'm I being completely a here for feeling this way? Advice please
elbe Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 You clearly have never had someone that close to you pass. It's devastating. Her daughter lost her father way too young. You need to be supportive. You are jealous of a dead guy, just look at yourself. Sometimes you need to be a friend more than a lover. 4
lifeunderground Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I had an ex die this January it still traumatizes me I had no feelings for him and still don't in that way He was a big part of my life at one point Losing a part of your life is really hard to cope with They are dead and you will never see them again. Seriously she was married to the man for 20 years and had a child with him that is a HUGE portion of her life (not to mention her childs ) don't be so insensitive 1
MrMeh Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Just think of a person as a memory. Though you don't feel the same for that person, you still remember the emotions and moments with that person.
WrinkledForehead Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 If something ever happened to the father of my children I would likely be devestated as well. Not only would my children be heartbroken and grieving and I'd bear witness to their pain, but he is still somewhat of a friend. We share the bond of family. Its a loss. Be her friend right now. Jealousy is a sucky emotion we feel but find the right ways to change your thoughts when the negative creeps in. Remind yourself of the reality, and focus more on her emotion and being what she needs than paying attention to your hurt. 1
Raena Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Look, I burst into tears and cried when I found out that my first boyfriend from over 20 years ago died. I hadn't talked to nor seen him in several years. It's upsetting no matter the circumstances. My SO at the time didn't understand it and it actually made him angry when he found out, so I do get where you are coming from. It made him think that I was still pining over the guy when that wasn't the case. Him getting angry over it actually made me think less of him. I can't imagine that her being upset and crying over that loss has anything to do with her feelings for you so just be there for her. I would even venture to guess that if you are there for her during this and show her that you love her and care for her feelings it will make her love you all the more Nothing says love like "hey honey, I see how much this upsets you, what can I do to help?"
carhill Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 OP, it's OK to not understand. As a man, you have a lot of company. However, you have made a commitment to the lady in question, apparently live together, and consider her daughter to be your step-daughter, so that sounds pretty serious. Hence, behave as a husband does when his wife has an emotional reaction to a life event like this death. Offer words and actions of comfort and give her space to grieve. Keep your analysis private and choose to ignore any reactions of jealousy if she starts dragging out the old photo albums. Excuse yourself, go to a friend's and have a beer. You're not required to grieve just because she is. Support, yes, but live your own life. Same with her daughter. Good luck. 3
Author DonM77 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 (edited) You clearly have never had someone that close to you pass. It's devastating. Her daughter lost her father way too young. You need to be supportive. You are jealous of a dead guy, just look at yourself. Sometimes you need to be a friend more than a lover. Of course I've lost love ones. I know what it's like losing a parent as well, so I know what the daughter and step daugher our going through. This isn't about jealously, this is about respect and boundries. I've been supportive of her and the daughers and will continue being supportive. Although I am her best friend, IMO you dont lay in your boyfriends arms crying over the death of your exhusband who you havn't been with in four years. I'm not the guy to be texted leave work early, "I'm feeling extremely depressed". I also find it very odd that she wants to be so involved with the planning of the viewing/services ect. The siblings have made it clear they don't want her there, but yet she has made it clear she will be there. She even went to the funeral home to get anwsers. The marriage didn't end well and I'm assuming a lot of guilt and emotion is stemming from that. IMO when you are an ex, you have no business doing what you are doing and pretending like this is your responsiblity. This is up to the daugher and siblings! And if this was my ex wife who had passed, I certainly would not being getting the support that I'm giving to her. Edited December 4, 2013 by DonM77 added text
WrinkledForehead Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Of course I've lost love ones. I know what it's like losing a parent as well, so I know what the daughter and step daugher our going through. This isn't about jealously, this is about respect and boundries. I've been supportive of her and the daughers and will continue being supportive. Although I am her best friend, IMO you dont lay in your boyfriends arms crying over the death of your exhusband who you havn't been with in four years. I'm not the guy to be texted leave work early, "I'm feeling extremely depressed". I also find it very odd that she wants to be so involved with the planning of the viewing/services ect. The siblings have made it clear they don't want her there, but yet she has made it clear she will be there. She even went to the funeral home to get anwsers. The marriage didn't end well and I'm assuming a lot of guilt and emotion is stemming from that. IMO when you are an ex, you have no business doing what you are doing and pretending like this is your responsiblity. This is up to the daugher and siblings! And if this was my ex wife who had passed, I certainly would not being getting the support that I'm giving to her. I do believe that you're going to have to deal with the fact that you don't get to tell her how to feel or how to grieve. 2
d0nnivain Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 (edited) My EX BF died about 6 weeks after I started dating the man who is now my husband. I was so upset because it was so unexpected that I forgot to cancel our date. My new guy shows up & finds me still in my PJs sprawled across my living floor sobbing. He thinks I'm crazy but comes in anyway. I have to tell him what happened. But I'm honest: I'm sad for the family & shocked that the guy is gone. I don't want him back. I do want him to be alive. My new BF does the most amazing thing. He cradles me in his arms & dries my tears. He says that he'd be more concerned if I wasn't affected by the death of somebody I used to be intimate with. He also offers me his shoulders to cry all over. I fell in love with him in that moment. What your GF is going through is 1000x worse. This man was her husband, her daughter's father. Support her while she grieves. She'll love you for it. If you aren't an angel about all this, you will destroy the relationship. Unlike your GF's situation, my EX's family wanted me there & they wanted my EX's EX-wife there. Everybody realized that our presence was best for the surviving son. Where's the 19 year old daughter in all of this? Edited December 4, 2013 by d0nnivain 2
carhill Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 The marriage didn't end well and I'm assuming a lot of guilt and emotion is stemming from that. If there is unfinished business, expect this process to be extended, IMO. Seen this a lot in my 54, both with family members and ex'es dying. And if this was my ex wife who had passed, I certainly would not being getting the support that I'm giving to her. This perception is disturbing to me and a canary. I'll second my suggestion to detach and go spend some positive time with male friends. Re-evaluate later. You may have identified a fundamental incompatibility, as can happen during life stresses. My sympathies.
MidwestUSA Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Is she still doing research to determine her eligibility for SS and pension benefits? That, and the fact that she had to see him before his body was removed from his house, are more disturbing factors. I can understand the grieving, but leave the arrangements to his siblings. Is she a very materialistic person?
Author DonM77 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Is she still doing research to determine her eligibility for SS and pension benefits? That, and the fact that she had to see him before his body was removed from his house, are more disturbing factors. I can understand the grieving, but leave the arrangements to his siblings. Is she a very materialistic person? I don't that she is still doing the research or not. I assumed she gathered everything she has needed by now. As far as seeing him, if the ex brother and officer wasn't there I don't know if she would have gone in to see him or not. As I type this she is at the funeral home making arrangements. She for whatever reason feels the need to be in the middle and I can't understand why, but really isn't my business. Yes she can be materialistic at times and selfish.
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 She shared decades and a child with this man, even if she's 100% over him as a partner she is still going to be devastated, not only for herself but also for her daughter losing her father so young. You really don't sound as supportive as I'd hope a partner would be, I understand it's hard if you're feeling retroactive jealousy but seriously, her daughter's father just died. Like it or not, she loved this man for many, many years. This is going to hurt her. And be a big shock. My parents had divorced for a decade when my mum got really sick and then died. My dad was happily remarried. He spent each day at the hospital with us towards the final few days, it was more because he wanted to be their for me (their bio daughter) and my brother (my mum's bio son and my dad's stepson from her previous marriage) but he was there for us, as was her partner. Everyone put their crap aside to be there for each other as this woman who was or had been extremely special to all of us at one time or another lay dying. My stepmum had no problem with this, and even though her and my mum had no relationship she came along to the funeral and helped to support my brother and I, and my dad, every step of the way. I don't know how much time my dad spent crying in her arms but given how much sorrow he's expressed since that I lost her in such horrible circumstances (alcoholism) at such a young age (22), I imagine it wasn't easy for him to watch me go through it either. You need to grow up, your stepdaughter will be able to sense your feelings about her father dying. It took me a solid two years to start to feel better over losing my mum, you're in for a long and rocky ride. You need to grow up and fast, before your partner starts to resent you for not being understanding over this. And the last thing your stepdaughter needs right now is her mother and stepfather fighting and breaking up.
MidwestUSA Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I don't that she is still doing the research or not. I assumed she gathered everything she has needed by now. As far as seeing him, if the ex brother and officer wasn't there I don't know if she would have gone in to see him or not. As I type this she is at the funeral home making arrangements. She for whatever reason feels the need to be in the middle and I can't understand why, but really isn't my business. Yes she can be materialistic at times and selfish. Does she have the need to be the center of attention in other situations? It sounds like she may be preparing to revel in the attention she may (or may not) get at the wake/funeral. Just guessing here, I'm not discounting genuine grief, or sorrow for the past and the way things were vs the way they might have been.
FitChick Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 By law she gets half of the pension and benefits accrued during her long marriage. That is also their daughter's money let's not forget. He's dead and won't need it. My friend had a horrible relationship with her dad and moved out at 18. He died a few years later and she was devastated. I was puzzled. She explained that she realized that she'd never have a chance to fix their relationship nor would he ever apologize for how badly he treated her family. The finality was too much to bear. And, to the OP, you don't have a step daughter if you aren't married to the mother.
Author DonM77 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 Does she have the need to be the center of attention in other situations? It sounds like she may be preparing to revel in the attention she may (or may not) get at the wake/funeral. Just guessing here, I'm not discounting genuine grief, or sorrow for the past and the way things were vs the way they might have been. No I wouldn't say she needs to be center of attention. It's a very awkard situation and I highly doubt she is preparing to revel in this.
Author DonM77 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 She shared decades and a child with this man, even if she's 100% over him as a partner she is still going to be devastated, not only for herself but also for her daughter losing her father so young. You really don't sound as supportive as I'd hope a partner would be, I understand it's hard if you're feeling retroactive jealousy but seriously, her daughter's father just died. Like it or not, she loved this man for many, many years. This is going to hurt her. And be a big shock. My parents had divorced for a decade when my mum got really sick and then died. My dad was happily remarried. He spent each day at the hospital with us towards the final few days, it was more because he wanted to be their for me (their bio daughter) and my brother (my mum's bio son and my dad's stepson from her previous marriage) but he was there for us, as was her partner. Everyone put their crap aside to be there for each other as this woman who was or had been extremely special to all of us at one time or another lay dying. My stepmum had no problem with this, and even though her and my mum had no relationship she came along to the funeral and helped to support my brother and I, and my dad, every step of the way. I don't know how much time my dad spent crying in her arms but given how much sorrow he's expressed since that I lost her in such horrible circumstances (alcoholism) at such a young age (22), I imagine it wasn't easy for him to watch me go through it either. You need to grow up, your stepdaughter will be able to sense your feelings about her father dying. It took me a solid two years to start to feel better over losing my mum, you're in for a long and rocky ride. You need to grow up and fast, before your partner starts to resent you for not being understanding over this. And the last thing your stepdaughter needs right now is her mother and stepfather fighting and breaking up. You assume I haven't been supportive of her during this time only based on feelings I've expressed here in this this thread. In reality I've been supportive to her as best I can. It has been a terrible week for them and I've been there as a friend. All I can do is listen and offer to help in anyway. I'll admit it hasn't been easy for many reasons and I now fear for our relationship. She has been somewhat distant for obvious reasons. She also has trouble kissing me in fear he is watching us.
d0nnivain Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 She also has trouble kissing me in fear he is watching us. That's just weird. She's not cheating on him. They were divorced before he died.
Author DonM77 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 That's just weird. She's not cheating on him. They were divorced before he died. Yes she has made this comment a few times. I just say to her you shouldn't feel this way. I'm so confused now, not sure how to handle this situation without being totally selfish and making this about us but clearly there is nothing normal about the situation and that's what I've been trying to convey here. She told me the other night she wants to make love to me so bad but she feels like he is watching. I'm just thinking to myself wtf!? Confused is the only way to describe what I'm going through...
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