sidney2718 Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I agree with others that say to find how far the "rabbit hole" goes. This is not about details but discovery at this stage. You are assuming you know the story and I don't need to spell out what assumptions get us. You also have no real enforcement for the consequences. After discovery, you will have all the pieces and then be able to honestly assess the situation. Be fair to yourself, and others say, be ready for the trickle truth monster I too agree, but... It is also a matter of trust. Trust has been destroyed. There are all the other times she went aside with a man and didn't want to be interrupted. Trust cannot be confirmed or regained by the WS telling the OP that she doesn't want him to know for his own good, that he might be hurt. That is EXACTLY the point.
Author sompuf Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 Thanks for all the input. I'm trying to explore every angle of this deal and the feedback helps. I should clarify that the negative reactions to my negative reactions to the asides with other men at other times were not annoyance at the interruptions, but rather her being pissed that I was jealous when there was nothing to be jealous about. Which is now clearly BS, regardless of whether anything happened before this incident or not. I obviously sensed something that is now proven to be well founded. The curious part is that our sex life, while having the typical ups and downs of married life sex, was what I would consider to be above average. Several times a week - pretty much whenever either of us felt the urge. A weird part of me thinks that if this was truly a sexual-thrill-motivated adventure, we can start from that confirmation to spice things up in a way that both of us are involved in and find other ways to create that excitement. That's what I want it to be, but without more details to confirm that, I'm left to wonder about planned meetings, negative comments about me, descriptions of her desire to perform acts that we've never done or talked about....my mind runs wild. Any repentant cheaters out there that can weigh in on what might be going thru her mind right now? Of course all of those "cheated on" are trained to assume the worst. I hate to sound naive, but don't want to give up hope.
tiredofitall2 Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Thanks for all the input. I'm trying to explore every angle of this deal and the feedback helps. I should clarify that the negative reactions to my negative reactions to the asides with other men at other times were not annoyance at the interruptions, but rather her being pissed that I was jealous when there was nothing to be jealous about. Which is now clearly BS, regardless of whether anything happened before this incident or not. I obviously sensed something that is now proven to be well founded. The curious part is that our sex life, while having the typical ups and downs of married life sex, was what I would consider to be above average. Several times a week - pretty much whenever either of us felt the urge. A weird part of me thinks that if this was truly a sexual-thrill-motivated adventure, we can start from that confirmation to spice things up in a way that both of us are involved in and find other ways to create that excitement. That's what I want it to be, but without more details to confirm that, I'm left to wonder about planned meetings, negative comments about me, descriptions of her desire to perform acts that we've never done or talked about....my mind runs wild. Any repentant cheaters out there that can weigh in on what might be going thru her mind right now? Of course all of those "cheated on" are trained to assume the worst. I hate to sound naive, but don't want to give up hope. It really can go either way. I've been on both sides as my W had a revenge A. I had an EA and don't think I didn't want to make it a PA. I did, but it never happened. Why? I guess destiny or who knows why. I've even been in situations where I would just not feel comfortable to go further than a certain point. Even as a male. It is not always about traditional sex. Sometimes it is about the thrill of the fantasy. Don't get so hung up on all that stuff, do worry about the honesty and the fact she might be withholding information. It does not show remorse and I would worry about that.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 You may not want to know all the details, but she should be willing to give them if you ask. Give her some time to give the truth, but as others have said, trickle truth sucks and she needs to know that. She needs to know that each time a little informationcomes out it is like starting all over again. Rip the band aid off and tell you it all. I begged my husband to do this and he claims he has,but unfortunately I don't believe him...yet anyhow.
Author sompuf Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 You may not want to know all the details, but she should be willing to give them if you ask. Give her some time to give the truth, but as others have said, trickle truth sucks and she needs to know that. She needs to know that each time a little informationcomes out it is like starting all over again. Rip the band aid off and tell you it all. I begged my husband to do this and he claims he has,but unfortunately I don't believe him...yet anyhow. How do you get past the not believing? I've been down the "convince myself not to care" road, but doesn't that lead to somewhere I don't want to be? I do care - but question whether I should. If I had to divulge the deepest, darkest desires/fantasies that I have, would she be receptive or understanding? Aren't there some things better left unsaid? Does that mean admitting defeat? Can I live with admitting defeat? Should I be able to live with that? Is that part of life? Is that why being young and naive is enviable by all of us that have been f'ed over? Shouldn't we all strive to maintain that zest for life, when we could act without worrying about interpretations or fitting into context? If that's we strive towards, can I get that back with my best friend/wife who did this? If I give up on this, will I ever be able to achieve that with a new companion? Or will I have my guard up too high to ever fully give of myself? Or is this connection what we all seek out until we die, some of us having ended on a positive and some on a negative? On a deep enough level, we're all alone in this world. Some will realize that fact more truthfully than others, but make no mistake that it's true. I'm 40 and always "knew" that intuitively, but am only now confronted with it as an actual reality. I'm lucky that I haven't ever known pain like this before - I've truly had a charmed life. I'm trying to not let this suck at my soul and suppress my wonder for life. I want to think that my daughters won't have to go thru anything like this, but they will. They're human. I guess this is part of what separates us from other mammals. I hope this translates into a deeper understanding of who I am and who she is - I've always been a little jealous of addicts in rehab - who else gets to call timeout and spend 30 days examining their psyche? Not me. I know its not like this AT ALL, but I imagine it like walden pond. I need some of that - we all do. We spend (kill) so much time running the rat race, that we never have the opportunity to stop and drink in the important stuff. Am I lucky to have this event to make me stop and smell the roses? Doesn't feel that way right now. Besides, if I'm going to hang out at Walden Pond for awhile, I'd want my wife with me.
Oldspiceywolf Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I'm sorry bro! You are obviously in love with your wife and don't want your life to end so you are contemplating rolling over like a dog. Take as much time as you need and keep thinking long and hard. Love your wife but don't accept lies and disrespect. Just know if you accept your fate, don't push her and make her beg for reconciliation you can basically kiss it all goodbye because she won't respect you(she doesn't not) and I don't know of(I'm sure there could be a few) any relationship that work where one partner doesn't respect the other especially if the woman doesn't respect the man. Don't lose this chance to expose everything it might (more than most likely)be your only chance to save your marriage. God luck you'll figure out a path .
Running Man Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 My two cents, A Spouse should know better then to slide away alone with the opposite sex at any gathering, party or whatever. Just out of consideration for how it might appear and how it might make their spouse feel. Its basic respect that people in a "committed relationship" should have. In your situation SHE KNEW BETTER and continued to roll with it for her own disrespectful and deceitful reasons. Truth will always be hard to swallow so it just depends on want pill you want to take.
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I don't care what anyone else says, I would want to know the truth. She wants the counselor in the equation as it gives her a chance at an Allie. She has nothing to gain (in her mind), by revealing now, she can always reveal later. This has to lead a normal prudent man to believe that something else has happened. Personally, I don't think infidelity is a die on the sword issue, but for reconciliation to occur, it has to start with honesty. Lying or failing to tell all the truth is worse than the original transgression. Find out what is on that phone. Also if you have not spoken with an attorney, you need to do so. You don't have to file, but you need to know your legal rights.
troubadour Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Sompuf, I have to admit I am rather puzzled by the level of passiveness you have been displaying from the beginning of that whole thing. You have been doing everything wrong.... I mean everything. Let's go back to that evening at the bar on get away trip. It might have all started quite innocently but after a while everybody realised that the guy was hitting on your wife. At some point it must have been clear to all involved including you. Now, I understand that there might have been nothing in their behaviour that would warrant any kind of confrontation and you didn't want to appear as an insecure, jealous husband, but it doesn't mean that there was nothing you could have done. You could have approached them with a smile on your face and jokingly asked.... I hope you two aren't planing on dating or anything like that, are you? Their likely response would be something like.... no, we are not and there is no need to get jealous. Again, with a smile on your face but in a quiet but confident manner you would replay.... that's good because I would hate to see you getting disappointed. But, since you aren't making any secret plans let's join the rest. Gently grab your's wife arm and lead her back to the spot where the rest of your friends were. You would have sent a clear message, without appearing insecure or jealous, that you aren't a man who would be willing to share his wife and allow other men to hit on her under your nose. It would have also remained your wife to conduct herself like a married woman. But, it all wasn't that bad. You really screwed up at the end of the evening when you clearly interrupted something. You new it wasn't innocent anymore and so did they but you still let it go. In your wife's eyes, on primal, sexual level, the other man asserted himself as a strong, dominant male who isn't afraid to take her if he wants to. And you reduced yourself to a weak, gullible husband who is going to suck it up. Who do you think she finds more attractive? You still could have stopped all that the following morning but once again you were too weak to do it and under a pretense of not wanting to ruin the fun of your get away trip, you let it go again. Your wife have beautifully paid you for being such a nice guy by escalating her affair with the other man. Amazingly, after all what she has done, she had guts to flat out refuse to give you her phone and you are just sucking it up once again. Do you think she staill has any respect for you as man and her husband if you clearly don't respect yourself? Sompuf, don't be a doormat.... you need to file for a divorce if doesn't want to give you her phone. The truth may be painful but you need to know it in order to heal yourself. She has already humiliated you enough. Don't let her continue doing it. Stop being so passive.... you have to stand up for yourself.
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