How to cope with parents getting old?

[Elliotte]

My dad is in his late sixties, I am 30. A few years ago he had a rough scare, he had a situation similar to a heart attack, went to the emergency room, and spent over a week in the hospital. He had to change a lot of his lifestyle afterwards, a large change in diet, activity, etc. He seemed to be recovering well until recently, when he told me he was going to have minor heart valve surgery. I noticed while talking to him he seemed a lot more frail, and had a bit of that shaking that older people often have.

 

This hit me pretty hard. He's had a huge impact on my life and the thought of him not being around some day came on to me pretty harshly. In recent years I haven't been close with him due to not getting along with my mom, but things are settling down with that issue and I want to get to know him a bit more than I do now(I know very little about his life before I was born, what he was doing at my age, etc), without it coming across as "I want to spend more time with you because I am fearful."

 

It's also a scary look into my future. I inherited his heart conditions, and while I stay in healthy shape, he did as well so I know it will inevitably affect my health when I start getting to be his age. I've never liked the idea of getting old as my body shuts down on me and scraping by barely living, his situation is definitely adding fuel to those fears.

 

Curious what other people have done when they really started to notice they only have a limited time left with their parents? How has it affected how you feel about getting old yourself? All comments appreciated.

[d0nnivain]

I got a job closer to where they lived so I could be around more. I put systems in place so I could do things -- pay bills, get access to their medical records, make decisions etc. When things went further downhill I became self employed so I would have more flexibility to service their needs. At the end of my mother's life I hired Full-Time live in help for her but that was very expensive ($250 / day), although still cheaper than a nursing home ($400 / day).

 

I lost both of my parents recently. They died about 18 months apart. I am grateful for the time I had with them & really grateful that I had the ability to do the things I was able to do for them.

[nescafe1982]

I don't really have my parents in my life, but I went through this recently with my grandparents (who are 82 and 74). It's difficult watching them struggle and age, and yet there is another struggle inside me about my own mortality.

 

In terms of practical advice, I'd agree with donnivain. Do what is possible to be closer to them as they need more help. Keep an eye out for signs thy need that "next level" of help (e.g. homecare visitation, a day-out program, etc, although from the sounds of it you have many years before it gets there). It's hard for parents to admit they need assistance with something, so being ready and willing to offer is a good thing.

 

If possible, find out what your parents' insurance will pay for regards medical help... it will be useful to you to know what options you can present to them if they are struggling.

 

As for your own struggles with mortality, I think the best thing I did to alleviate those feelings was to share them with a friend in a supportive environment. The thing is, talking about aging and mortality is taboo in most circumstances... but at the same time, we all have similar anxieties. I found that when I shared my anxieties with a supportive peer, I also learned about theirs... and something about that experience was comforting.

 

My grandfather in particular has a progressive form of dementia that increasingly limits his mobility and makes him difficult to care for (he stopped recognizing me over a year ago, for instance... imagine me trying to reach for his dentures when he has no idea who I am!) Sharing the funny, strange, and sometime horrifying moments of our relationship with good friends has given me some release from my anxieties that soon, I will lose him. It's gotten to the point where my friends will actually inquire about him because they're endeared by the weird stories that result.