What are the Stages of Grief

[Star4223]

I am really still depressed and crying daily. Everything I do or see reminds me of him, if feel like a BIG hole is in the middle of my heart and it physically hurt in every bone in my body. How long will this pineing away for him last??? Do you think they miss us at all? Is there a void in them where we used to be??

 

Can someone tell me the stages of grief and how ling it will be before I feel better and how long I will be tempted to text or call him?? Its still so hard. When had limited access to each other for about two weeks and no contact, not even facebook for a week.

 

Thanks Yal!!!

[carhill]

How long will this pineing away for him last???

Everyone is different; personally, I found a marked difference in the grief process when comparing unfinished business to finished business, with the former greatly extending the grieving process in my case.

Do you think they miss us at all? Is there a void in them where we used to be??

 

It depends on the person and type of affair but IMO any person who experienced an investment, even if compartmentalized, experiences a 'void' when the subject of that investment has departed. That may be specific to an emotion or to a person. IOW, one person might miss that you loved them and how that made them feel and another might miss you, meaning your existence as a human in their life, or any combination in between.

Can someone tell me the stages of grief and how ling it will be before I feel better and how long I will be tempted to text or call him??

 

IME, it's really similar to death and divorce in the specifics, since I've experienced all three in nearly contemporaneous time, but the specific process depends on the psychology of the individual. Fortunately, as it worked out, we had over a year of psychological counseling during the period prior to the grief process occurring, an act which I feel helped enormously in 'getting over' the milieu.

 

For a more general description, see this link:

 

Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

As a comparison from my personal experience with the same person, where there was unfinished business, I felt the 'need' for contact for a couple of years, markedly; once we finished our business many years later, that 'need' abated within a month or two of saying last goodbyes. It's a very peaceful place to be.

 

IMO, if you find you get 'stuck' in the grieving process, engage an IC. It can help. Good luck.

[happy stillmore]

Star4223,

 

 

You asked a good question as you are definitely grieving. You are grieving the loss of your future dreams. Although this person you loved is alive, he is "dead." Meaning you can not talk to him. You can not be with him again. Things ended abruptly unlike the natural process in a regular relationship. To me, this loss is worse than a death because it was his choice to leave my life. Despite his words of love for me, he stayed in his marriage. Thus, forcing me to end the A.

 

 

The period of grieving is different for everyone. It is a process where you may go back and forth between the stages. Two steps forward, one step back. There is no way of guessing how long it will take to feel better. I would love to know that answer myself. There are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I swear I can feel all of them within a 24 hour period.

 

 

Denial - you can't believe it is over. He chose to stay in the marriage. you can't believe he is allowing you to walk away. "He is going to call you." I looked at my phone all of the time. what a empty feeling that is.

 

 

Anger - You are angry that he didn't fight for you. you are angry that he is being a coward. You are angry he lied to you. Why did this happen? Jerk!

 

 

Bargaining - maybe I can put up with the gaslighting. I can't bear to lose him. I will settle for a piece of him.

 

 

depression - you are realizing it may be over, you are sad. feeling empty. sadness, reality is settling in.

 

 

acceptance - he is gone. I have to move on.

 

 

I hope this helps you. I wish you for you to jump ahead to acceptance. The A was bad for me. I still miss him so much but I have to come to see he loved himself, more than me. Good wishes.

[hopewild]

Everyone is different; personally, I found a marked difference in the grief process when comparing unfinished business to finished business, with the former greatly extending the grieving process in my case.

 

It depends on the person and type of affair but IMO any person who experienced an investment, even if compartmentalized, experiences a 'void' when the subject of that investment has departed. That may be specific to an emotion or to a person. IOW, one person might miss that you loved them and how that made them feel and another might miss you, meaning your existence as a human in their life, or any combination in between.

 

 

IME, it's really similar to death and divorce in the specifics, since I've experienced all three in nearly contemporaneous time, but the specific process depends on the psychology of the individual. Fortunately, as it worked out, we had over a year of psychological counseling during the period prior to the grief process occurring, an act which I feel helped enormously in 'getting over' the milieu.

 

For a more general description, see this link:

 

Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

As a comparison from my personal experience with the same person, where there was unfinished business, I felt the 'need' for contact for a couple of years, markedly; once we finished our business many years later, that 'need' abated within a month or two of saying last goodbyes. It's a very peaceful place to be.

 

IMO, if you find you get 'stuck' in the grieving process, engage an IC. It can help. Good luck.

 

Hi there. This is a very interesting post and you have some really great insight. Especially the part where you distinguish the difference between truly missing someone's absence and solely missing being loved or paid attention to.

 

My question to you is this: isn't there always unfinished business? I understand that some affairs are more complicated than others but I feel that even the less complicated affairs have unfinished business whenever they stop. To me, "unrequited love" (for lack of a better term) is always unfinished. So I just wonder what you mean when you say "finished our business" and how you think that could be applied generally to other A's? I'd really love your insight on mutual (that's what it sounds like you had) closure.

 

My A will come to a close someday and that will be on our own accord....hopefully mutually. I would love to experience acceptance toward that like you described. But I think I will probably live with an "unfinished" feeling for the rest of my life. It's just the nature of the beast. I'm definitely preparing myself for that and I really am okay with it for my own reasons. For me it will be all about coping and I'm really optimistic in that I know I will be okay even though it will be difficult.

[Got it]

I think it depends on whether or not you are at a point of acceptance of the lack of future prior to ending or not. Affairs are not the only relationships that end in "unrequited" love and, I think women especially, tend to see what a person could be and not who they are. So working through that while there was potential for something, potential doesn't not mean it will come to fruition.

 

But, yes, affairs tend to end prior to the OP feeling that they "were given a fair shot" and so it does require working through some additional feelings to let that go and recognize that while signs of potential were there it was clearly never coming to reality for whatever reason.

 

((((())))))

 

Grieving is a process and it like the ocean. At first you are hit with wave after wave after wave but given time, the waves become less frequent, weaker, and finally you find yourself in calm waters and daybreak. It is just working through it to get there. Journalling can help, being gentle with yourself, and IC.

[carhill]

My question to you is this: isn't there always unfinished business? I understand that some affairs are more complicated than others but I feel that even the less complicated affairs have unfinished business whenever they stop. To me, "unrequited love" (for lack of a better term) is always unfinished. So I just wonder what you mean when you say "finished our business" and how you think that could be applied generally to other A's? I'd really love your insight on mutual (that's what it sounds like you had) closure.

 

I think each person experiences the dynamic differently but, if I had to place one explanation at the forefront of my experience, it would be the difference in emotional and life experience between a young man in his 20's versus a mature man of 50, when processing essentially the same dynamic, even though the specific labels may have changed. In my case, it would have been the label of OM changing to MM and hers MW to OW. When we met, she was a new mother. When the last goodbye was spoken, she was the grandmother of two. A lot of life experience under the bridge in between.

 

In addition, for myself, the role of MC was pivotal in *processing* the events and emotions. Spending time in that space every week for over a year really clarified things and, in retrospect, much of the grieving processes occurred in or adjunct to that space. The psychologist was of great assistance in sorting out affair issues from marital issues from end of life issues, all of which I was dealing with at the time. He apparently understood that my path to acceptance was 'organizing' the emotional processes and worked with that, to great effect. For another person, it might be completely different.

 

Your identifying 'unrequited love' brings back one aspect I had to process, relevant to male psychology, that being perception that affairs which don't include sex can be perceived as 'unrequited', since they didn't 'complete' to genital sexual interaction. I came to understand that dynamic better and why I had felt that way and how it was part of my prior 'unfinished business' with a sexually 'unavailable' person. Finishing that business combined the emotional and sexual components into one whole person and accepting how that person was and how our interactions and relationship was over the decades without questions of 'what if'. Today, if I silently try to ask 'what if', all I come back with is empty space. There's nothing there. No emotions at all. That's probably why I have no issues talking about affairs from 'both sides of the street', as MC helped me greatly in understanding and accepting my exW's perspective and feelings regarding my EA. Overall, there's more neutrality, which I surmise is the end stage of grief.