SummerRae Posted December 31, 2004 Posted December 31, 2004 Hello all, I'm fairly new to this board but have been reading the posts for some time now and really just need your support right now. To explain my story: I was dating this military man for almost a year when we broke up. He couldn't give me a reason, just that there was "no magical reason". Needless to say, I was 20 at the time, and completely devastated. We were so perfect together that I didn't see how this could happen. My whole family thought I was going to marry this man. He ended up being deployed to Iraq for over a year and we kept in contact the entire time. We sent letters, he called, presents, etc... Then when he returned he sent me $$ to go see him. About 1 month before I was to fly down there, I find out he's married and has been for years!! (I found out online, his wife belonged to this same forum I did!) His wife knew about me and he made her promise not to tell me as he didn't want to "hurt my feelings." Ne ways, I called his wife and she told me that they had a daughter that he named after me!! N e ways, when I found out, he flew out to see me, told his wife he wanted a divorce and begged for my forgiveness. I forgave him. I was that blinded. He is now in Iraq again and I'm being tortured by all these confusing thoughts. How could he do this to me?? A 20 year old girl, (I'm now 25 by the way). I was naive when I met him and now I just feel so broken. I don't know how to move on. Everytime he calls me or emails me my heart just feels all over again. I don't know how to let go. I know this all sounds so screwed up. I just don't know how to move on. How to get over him. Even my mom was ready to forgive him when she found out. We all loved him that much. My mom used to bake cookies for him, we used to spend weekends together all the time (he would tell his wife he was working....) Why did this happen??? I'm just trying to put everything in perspective. Please be compassionate with me and my feelings. I never meant for this to happen.
blind_otter Posted December 31, 2004 Posted December 31, 2004 Originally posted by SummerRae Why did this happen??? I'm just trying to put everything in perspective. Please be compassionate with me and my feelings. I never meant for this to happen. Why did this happen? Because not everyone is a good person. It's easy to hide who you are, especially to those who, in love, are very willing to set aside any practical disbelief they might have. Some people have pasts and personal issues that make it very easy for them to deceive themselves, and other people. He cried, apologized, divorced his wife....crocodile tears, IMO. I've seen them before. Oh, how easy it is to cry about spilt milk. After the fact. It's much harder to do the right thing when confronted with temptation. Once that trust is broken, there is no foundation in your relationship - nothing to build on or grow on. I'm your age. We're young, you know. Whole life ahead of us. Yeah, someone f*cked you over. Well, use it to make yourself a stronger person. Don't be so trusting in the future. Demand more and be more discriminatory. Don't be so quick to forgive. Use this as a lesson. I hope this doesn't read as too harsh. But suffering makes the soul, they say. Use this betrayal and grow from it, and let go of the bad.
Author SummerRae Posted December 31, 2004 Author Posted December 31, 2004 Thank you Blind other. I know you're right. I'm just resisting this........ my heart is resisting this. But then again, it's my heart that got me into this whole mess. I don't want to be someone's second best. I want to be someone's FIRST best. I don't want someone I can't trust. I don't want someone who is going to hurt me. I was going to send him an email to tell him it's over, but I have a better idea. I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of having any reaction from me at all. This is going to be sooo f*9king hard but i can do it if I just stick to it. I'm going to hang up when he calls and emails and everytime I feel the urge to reply, I will post here. FU(k HIM@@@@ Wow, that felt good.
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 31, 2004 Posted December 31, 2004 Why did this happen??? Because you were only twenty. And when you really think about it, only a few years beyond adolescence. I was only nineteen when I became a wife and mother. And not unlike you, while the world considered me an adult, I was too naïve and inexperience to think and rationalize like one. Although if you had asked me at the time, I would have argued with you that I had life, love, people and relationships all figured out. You need to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made simply because you didn't know any better. Ignorance is not the same as malice. And you need to forgive those who may have taken advantage of your vulnerability and naivety if you are to continue to mature emotionally rather than getting 'stuck' in your past. Or G-d forbid…repeating those past mistakes over and over again well into your thirties and forties. Even the most painful lessons can become a positive influence towards personal growth if we manage to learn something from them. Welcome to this crazy thing called LIFE!
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 31, 2004 Posted December 31, 2004 Hmm.. how to get over such a fine upstanding man. Ok, let me see if I have this straight. This is a guy who 1. dumped you with a lame excuse 2. cheated on his wife 3. which she knew about, and was apparently browbeaten into accepting 4. and was forced not to say anything that would jeopardize his relationship with his girlfriend 5. and named his daughter, his wife's child (!!) after his girlfriend 6. kept his girlfriend in the dark, lying about the fact that he was married and had a kid 7. offered to lovingly dump the wife who put up with his affair once the girlfriend found out he was married 8. offered to abandon the daughter that he named after his girlfriend Why did this happen? It happened because this guy willed it to happen. He willingly and knowingly tricked you. He lied to you, put his wife through hell (I cannot IMAGINE what it must have been like for her), and then expects to get away with it all - he actually thinks you are going to let him get away with it. As long as you allow him to contact you, you are enabling what he is doing. I understand that it hurts, and that you miss what you thought you had with him - but you have to protect yourself. How can a man who would do these things have any best interests in mind but his own? Contact him, and tell him that you would appreciate it if he stopped contacting you. Period. Then make yourself 100% unavailable. I hope that you can piece yourself back together.
Author SummerRae Posted December 31, 2004 Author Posted December 31, 2004 thank you LB. You put it all in GREAT perspective. I need the dosage of reality. Thank you. I need all the confirmation and support right now. And you said it in a great way. thanx
Author SummerRae Posted December 31, 2004 Author Posted December 31, 2004 Thanks Enigma, I need to remember this. It just hurts so much. I just want full closure but I realize I'm never going to get it from him. I have to create it for myself. Thank you.
littleflowerpot Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Hmm.. how to get over such a fine upstanding man. Ok, let me see if I have this straight. This is a guy who 1. dumped you with a lame excuse 2. cheated on his wife 3. which she knew about, and was apparently browbeaten into accepting 4. and was forced not to say anything that would jeopardize his relationship with his girlfriend 5. and named his daughter, his wife's child (!!) after his girlfriend 6. kept his girlfriend in the dark, lying about the fact that he was married and had a kid 7. offered to lovingly dump the wife who put up with his affair once the girlfriend found out he was married 8. offered to abandon the daughter that he named after his girlfriend Why did this happen? It happened because this guy willed it to happen. He willingly and knowingly tricked you. He lied to you, put his wife through hell (I cannot IMAGINE what it must have been like for her), and then expects to get away with it all - he actually thinks you are going to let him get away with it. As long as you allow him to contact you, you are enabling what he is doing. I understand that it hurts, and that you miss what you thought you had with him - but you have to protect yourself. How can a man who would do these things have any best interests in mind but his own? Contact him, and tell him that you would appreciate it if he stopped contacting you. Period. Then make yourself 100% unavailable. I hope that you can piece yourself back together. i adore dorothy parker. (regarding your signature block)
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 I'm going to hang up when he calls and emails and everytime I feel the urge to reply, I will post here. FU(k HIM@@@@ Wow, that felt good. Somebody told me once...It takes 30 days to create a habit and 30 days to break a habit... So yes, keep on posting, vent it out!! When you get that urge definately VENT AWAY. Will make you feel better and eventually you will see things in a different light.
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