ExpatInItaly Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, he in Arizona and I am in California and we see each other every 3 to 4 weeks. We've been together for 9 months, and are madly in love. Our chemistry is perfect and this is a one of a kind love...we're very sure of that. I got back about a week ago from spending 3 weeks with him and its been hell since. First off he has extreme retro active jealousy. Everything we fight over doesnt have to do with our relationship. I am a model, and i do everything by what makes him feel comfortable and it still isn't enough. He blows up from other comments from people, and thinks im an attention fien when I cant help that. I am very modest, and shy away from attention so it hurts me he says this. Then my sexual history hes constantly being "disgusted and taken over" with when ive only slept with 5 guys. But he makes me feel awful about it and can never move past it. He'll even start to be verbally abusive...since ive been back we've argued about facebook which today he unfriended me. My sexual history, some guy at a part that flirted with me which I abruptly told him I was happily taken and still im made out to be this terrible person. Now he says hes not happy, hes being very cold and numb, doesnt want to break up with me but is questioning being with me. He says its not my fault I may not cause it but im the source of his unhappiness cuz if I wasnt there he wouldn't feel like this, but the real source is the distance. If we were closer he'd still have retroactive jealousy, but he wouldn't feel like IM making him miserable when im constantly nurturing him being the best girlfriend I can be. We agreed in four months we'd see how things were when we've been together for a year and id move up there with him, and im scared we wont even make it there. He knows hes letting t hhj is happen, that hes not allowing himself to be happy. Hes not a fool and hes not oblivious, but hes prideful and cant control it and since hes prideful its not something hes really trying to change in himself. He says he'll come to and show me affection when he's over it but hes kust so cold...how do I comfort him? Ive put my words together as well as I cam to reassure him, he knows im loyal and all about him and would never hurt him . He keeps creating problems and its destroying us. Please DONT suggest leaving him, we need help to fix this not break it and leave it. He was in a relationship for 3 years with the mother of his 2 and a half year son, and they wrre off and on and broke up 3 months before we got together. She lied cheated and was just a terrible girlfriend and some times I feel he puts that on me. I also have a child who is 3 and things are wonderful with that so us having kids isn't a factor. Please any advice im ao desperate and at such a hard place in my life...I need us to be happy. To hang on til we see eachother again in 3 weeks and grow stronger so that in four months we can be together and this wont be a problem anymore...thank you so much. You can't. These are his issues, not yours. He has some serious jealousy and control problems. Assuming you're not doing anything to intentionally provoke him (and it doesn't sound as though you are) you cannot fix this. He must want to sort out his feelings without relying on you. He must also understand that you are not the cause of all the problems here - that mentality makes it very difficult to resolve anything because he will not accept responsibility and you will forever be stuck cleaning up after his tantrums. What's he doing is emotionally abusive and 100% inappropriate. I say because he is shifting blame and judging you and punishing you. These are control mechanisms. Those are not the actions of a loving boyfriend. Don't enable this behaviour by pandering to him. He wants to unfriend you on FB? Fine,let him. He says your sexual history disgusts him? Let him find someone else to absorb his emotional garbage. Request that he seek help. If he refuses, it's only going to get worse and my advice is to leave. Sorry, I know you don't want to hear that, but don't you think you deserve more? 3
BlametheIrish Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 If I were a close friend or relarive I would tell you to.dump him and never look back. That kind jelousy only gets worse as tge,relationship.progresses. I bet he wasnt too jealous in tge behinning? He sounds extremely immature and unstable too. As a mother you need to.put your childs needs first. So would you want your child exposed to a crazy jealous immature man? I hope for your childs sake the answer is no. You can do.better. No matter jow good he treats you when hes not acting like a jealous asshat its not worth it. Hopefully you will see tgat sooner than later and come to your senses. Remember, you can do so much better.
pteromom Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I am a model, and i do everything by what makes him feel comfortable and it still isn't enough. This is your problem. You are being an enabler by trying to make him comfortable. He gets a "fix" when you reassure him and coddle his insecurities. Then he just needs another "fix". Tell him that he either needs to trust you or not. That you aren't responsible for what other people say or do, and you will no longer reassure him if someone posts something to you or says something he doesn't like. That you are going to do what you have to do to further your career, and part of that is networking with other people - including men. Then my sexual history hes constantly being "disgusted and taken over" with when ive only slept with 5 guys. But he makes me feel awful about it and can never move past it. He has issues. There is nothing wrong with your past, and he either needs to accept you as you are or not. It isn't as if you can go back and change your past. He'll even start to be verbally abusive...since ive been back we've argued about facebook which today he unfriended me. Why even engage in such a pointless argument? Don't even bother defending yourself - let him do what he wants. He says its not my fault I may not cause it but im the source of his unhappiness cuz if I wasnt there he wouldn't feel like this, but the real source is the distance. I disagree. If the distance wasn't there, he could keep better tabs on you and control what you do better. That is NOT the answer to solving his problem! If we were closer he'd still have retroactive jealousy, but he wouldn't feel like IM making him miserable when im constantly nurturing him being the best girlfriend I can be. We agreed in four months we'd see how things were when we've been together for a year and id move up there with him, and im scared we wont even make it there. I think you would be a fool to move up there with him. You'll be in his domain, controlled by him. Unless he can get past this issue and quit being verbally abusive to you, do not consider moving to be with him. It's an issue that needs to be solved FIRST. He knows hes letting t hhj is happen, that hes not allowing himself to be happy. Hes not a fool and hes not oblivious, but hes prideful and cant control it and since hes prideful its not something hes really trying to change in himself. I disagree! Yeah, he may not have control over his emotions, but he does have control over his actions. He may not be able to help feeling jealous if a guy flirts with you or comments on Facebook, but he can help using it as an excuse to degrade you and say you "disgust" him. He keeps creating problems and its destroying us. Please DONT suggest leaving him, we need help to fix this not break it and leave it. If you don't want to leave, then you need to change the way you are in the relationship. Change YOUR part in the patterns. - don't enable or coddle his issues - have a personal policy to hang up/walk away if he insults or degrades you (and he should know ahead of time that this boundary is in place) - realize that his issue is HIS, and that it is his responsibility to fix it I need us to be happy. To hang on til we see eachother again in 3 weeks and grow stronger so that in four months we can be together and this wont be a problem anymore...thank you so much. You only control your half of things. If he truly wants to change this jealousy and abuse problem, he needs to get into counseling and change it. It's not your responsibility. 4
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 This is your second post with the exact same issues. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/446684-bf-i-verge-breaking-up-over-sexual-history#post5380867 You have learned nothing, not even how to write a paragraph. This is relationship is toxic. What else do you need to know? 3
kaylan Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Hes slept with over 20 women, so he needs to stop acting like a dang hypocrite. Its not like his number is low for a dude his age. Nevermind him having a child too. I say you get out of there and find someone with less baggage. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Well, I've just read your other thread. OP, your boyfriend is a loser. Sorry but it's the truth. He is abusive and controlling and manipulative. He is a bully with poor self-esteem and poor views of women. I would dump him so fast his tiny head would spin. And I'd find someone far better than this clown. 2
SmartDude Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 There are a few things in life I just do not understand. Retroactive jealousy is one of them. Heck I even used to look at photos of a woman I was with, having sex with her boyfriend before me. She looked hot! Not even a tinge of jealousy. She was all worried and I was like: "What's the big deal, you looked like you were having a good time." It literally had no effect on me. 1
mattboltz Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Yeah, I don't think that he is going to magically change when you get to be together in 4 months. Verbal abuse won't stop just because you live together, nor will the jealousy. If you were my sister, I would not want you with this guy.
pteromom Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Here's what I posted in your other thread. It still applies: He sounds terrible. If you didn't have children, I would say "well, she's going to learn this lesson the hard way, I suppose." But you do. And all those horrible names he called you? He will be using them on your children if you stay together. His "diarrhea of the mouth" will squash the self-esteem of your children, leading them to drugs, drinking, bad relationship choices, cutting... If he's call you a dirty bitch, nasty, slut when he supposedly loves you, why oh why do you believe he won't call your child stupid, idiot, loser, and all other sorts of vile names when he's angry? This isn't something that will change. Each person either believes it is OK to tear others down and call them names, or they don't. He does. His actions show he thinks that's OK, because you "deserve it". Next, he'll slap you or hold you down or push you just a little. The reason we are saying all this is because we are much older than you and have been there done that. We can see the red flags in this relationship as clear as daylight. Run away from this guy. Sometimes in life, it's good to follow your heart. This is NOT one of those times. Put some handcuffs on your heart and follow your head. 1
DonnyBeGood Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 This is a pretty garden-variety form of manipulation. As has already been stated, he's seeking constant reassurance from you. This is the same as saying he doesn't have faith in you. If it's established that you are there for him and not looking for others, then he can either believe you and move on, or just about anything else is playing games intentionally, or him just having a weak personality. My girlfriend is very attractive and has had tons more sex and partners than I have. I never require her assurance that I'm the only one she is with now. I meet her friends, I interact with them as a real person, they see the quality of my character, they become my friends. If she was hiding her life from me, I'd get it. But I'm a person in her life and I'd like to think if something was up, eventually someone would say "You're a cool dude, did you know about so and so? Are you guys open?" and then I'd find out about it. She's smart so she knows this would happen as well. If you can't be in someone's life and trust them and be comfortable with them, you need to move on. That's my advice to HIM actually. If he can't trust you, he should find someone he can. If you don't give him a reason to not trust you, you should find someone who could trust you. I have jealousy issues with my attractive girlfriend, occasionally retroactive. She's experimented a lot and had lots of experiences. I haven't. When we met we were supposed to be open. I can do closed with her, but I have expressed that I felt I would be able to have experiences with her that I hadn't had before, and I'm a bit jealous that later on, before that happened, she changed her mind and wanted a closed relationship with me, yet it's easy for her who has already sewn those wild oats to not keep on doing those things after she's had her fill. And then the door closes for me before I ever stepped through it. But for me to sit around making her feel bad about it when she had every right to do those things then, and ever right to not do those things now,, that's not my place to pressure her. Either what we have works, or we have to move on. I'm not going to sit around trying to make her change. Does he want you to become less attractive so you are less desirable? Why? If you are a good person and also attractive, I'd not be afraid to be single or date again. Yes it hurts to give up someone when you love parts of them, but if they can't stop doing something that hurts you, there are people out there who wouldn't hurt you who would love to have the chance to show you that.
AntiSocal Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 PLEASE READ, DESPERATE AND WE NEED HELP! My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, he in Arizona and I am in California and we see each other every 3 to 4 weeks. We've been together for 9 months, and are madly in love. Our chemistry is perfect and this is a one of a kind love...we're very sure of that. I got back about a week ago from spending 3 weeks with him and its been hell since. First off he has extreme retro active jealousy. Everything we fight over doesnt have to do with our relationship. I am a model, and i do everything by what makes him feel comfortable and it still isn't enough. He blows up from other comments from people, and thinks im an attention fien when I cant help that. I am very modest, and shy away from attention so it hurts me he says this. Then my sexual history hes constantly being "disgusted and taken over" with when ive only slept with 5 guys. But he makes me feel awful about it and can never move past it. He'll even start to be verbally abusive...since ive been back we've argued about facebook which today he unfriended me. My sexual history, some guy at a part that flirted with me which I abruptly told him I was happily taken and still im made out to be this terrible person. Now he says hes not happy, hes being very cold and numb, doesnt want to break up with me but is questioning being with me. He says its not my fault I may not cause it but im the source of his unhappiness cuz if I wasnt there he wouldn't feel like this, but the real source is the distance. If we were closer he'd still have retroactive jealousy, but he wouldn't feel like IM making him miserable when im constantly nurturing him being the best girlfriend I can be. We agreed in four months we'd see how things were when we've been together for a year and id move up there with him, and im scared we wont even make it there. He knows hes letting t hhj is happen, that hes not allowing himself to be happy. Hes not a fool and hes not oblivious, but hes prideful and cant control it and since hes prideful its not something hes really trying to change in himself. He says he'll come to and show me affection when he's over it but hes kust so cold...how do I comfort him? Ive put my words together as well as I cam to reassure him, he knows im loyal and all about him and would never hurt him . He keeps creating problems and its destroying us. Please DONT suggest leaving him, we need help to fix this not break it and leave it. He was in a relationship for 3 years with the mother of his 2 and a half year son, and they wrre off and on and broke up 3 months before we got together. She lied cheated and was just a terrible girlfriend and some times I feel he puts that on me. I also have a child who is 3 and things are wonderful with that so us having kids isn't a factor. Please any advice im ao desperate and at such a hard place in my life...I need us to be happy. To hang on til we see eachother again in 3 weeks and grow stronger so that in four months we can be together and this wont be a problem anymore...thank you so much. Well contrary to popular opinion just because he abuses you doesn't mean he will be verbally abusive to your kids. Now you are currently in an abusive relationship. What happens if you move to arizona and he feels like you are flirting with the neighbor? Is he gonna beat you up and verbally abuse you? As people have stated its a problem with him, not a problem with you. If i was you i would dump him and tell him exactly why. Its probably the same reason his wife and every other gf he had dumped him. Maybe after being dumped by a model he will realize his errors and work to change. IF you really don't want to dump him? You need to COMMUNICATE. Don't enable him by trying to make him feel better. I'm a lot like this guy (seriously) and i can tell you that when a girl tries to make me feel better i tend to pull away more anyway. Instead of trying to talk to him emotionally, appeal to his logical side. Sit him down and take all the feelings off the table. Tell him that the jealousy is causing a problem in the relationship. And more then the jealousy it is the name calling. Explain to him that you aren't going to date a guy who tries to control you or gets mad when men simply look at you (you're a model, i mean come on!) And then tell him that the next time he calls you a name, starts an argument, or accuses you of bs you will have to take a long break. Maybe suggest therapy. At the end of the day its up to him. Only he can change his actions. But YOU can decide whether you want to put up with that type of behaviour. He may never change, but if he continues to call you name/accuse you then YOU will never be truly happy with him and you need to leave.
FitChick Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I thought this story sounded familiar. Funny how people like this never listen and come back telling the same story, getting the same answers and they still don't listen! Why waste everyone's time? If OP is really a "model," she will have no problem attracting a decent guy who lives near her. Of course, she may believe she deserves to be treated like crap so will stick with the current boyfriend.
Eggplant Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Btw) he slept with over 20 women. I still know that he's genuine to me...His behavior would still have been horribly abusive had he been a virgin. But I cannot even fathom this hypocrisy. You are adamant about staying in an abusive relationship. Fine. Brace yourself. He won't change.
Poppygoodwill Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) Okay, I have red flags going up and big warning bells clanging so loudly in my ears you should be able to hear them where you are. First point: I find it interesting that you've been dating 8 months and this has only come up now. Why do you think that is? But you know what....bottomline: no has the right to judge you that harshly for your sexual history. Whether you slept with 5 men or 50, that's your business. He can judge your by your loyalty to him, but not by your history. Maybe he is just a man-child with crippling insecurities. But then this would have come up earlier in your relationship. So I fear the worst...by my standards (and I hope you share them) he has been abusive to you with his mean words and by trying to shame you into feeling dirty and bad for being a human being with a personal history and romantic past. You should tread *very carefully* from here on in. It often happens that men who have patterns of abusing their partners emotionally, verbally or physically don't start right away, but bring it on over time as they woman grows attached and emotionally dependent on them. They start to find fault with you, pick at things, shame you and eat away at your self-esteem so that you start to wonder: is he right? Am I a dirty slut who doesn't deserve anyone better? And once you start to wonder that, he has a hold over you that could be very destructive. This is what makes me fear that is the case here...your words: I told him I would do whatever I could to prove to him I'm genuine and he told me he's not sure if he wants me to pick him up from the airport yet and that I'm nasty, he's sick of me and to leave him alone Because the thing is: you haven't been disloyal to him, or insincere, or disingenuous. YOu have loved him and laughed with him and made a big effort to spend time with him. HE IS CREATING THIS PROBLEM OUT OF THIN AIR. Abusive men will be hurtful to you and then blame you for it, telling you you brought it on yourself. They count on the fact you will not be confident enough to point the finger back at them for being hurtful and unreasonable. I know you are really into this guy, but I really believe you should be very careful now, or you could find yourself in trouble. When you next talk to him, remember this: He is being unreasonable. You are not to blame for his reaction. He could be upset and insecure about this aspect of your past, but he does not have to be hurtful and try to shame you to make himself feel better. That is unreasonable. And finally: either he wants to be with you and loves you for who you are, or he doesn't. If he doesn't like the fact you'd had other lovers, then he should go away and stop being mean to you. Edited January 4, 2014 by Poppygoodwill
Trimmer Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 We've been together for 9 months, and are madly in love. Our chemistry is perfect and this is a one of a kind love... You mean that perfect kind of chemistry where your partner calls you a dirty slut? That perfect kind of chemistry where you base all your behavior on what will make him comfortable, and it still isn't enough? That perfect kind of chemistry where you see yourself as a modest person, and yet he accuses you of being an attention fiend? You need to read your own writing, be honest with yourself, and ask what you would say if this were happening to someone that you care about. To hang on til we see each other again in 3 weeks and grow stronger so that in four months we can be together and this wont be a problem anymore...thank you so much. What makes you think that being together full time will make this problem go away? (Hint: it won't.) You really aren't seeing things clearly - virtually everybody on this thread is telling you that there are red flags all over the place here; is any of this getting through to you? 3
GemmaUK Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 He is massively controlling. This will only get worse. I dated someone who was controlling for a few months and it's something I want to avoid in future. This is the second man who attempted to be controlling with me. Neither got what they wanted as I didn't enable it. When one thing he tried didn't work the way he wanted he would pick on me for something else two days later. I would fall silent when he asked me a ridiculous question or throw the comment back that it was utterly ridiculous. It would be a hugely long list if I typed out all of the ways he attempted to control and all of the things I did 'wrong'. If a friend were telling you all of this you would tell her to get out right now I suspect. I found this online the other day. The beginning of the relationship was spot on 100% accurate for me. Spotting And Dealing With Possessive Controlling Boyfriends/Girlfriends © | Emmrys Dawe Parlee
isisisweeping Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Okay, I am DESPERATE for some advice. PLEASE TAKE A MIN TO READ & help me!! ;( Btw) he slept with over 20 women. I still know that he's genuine to me... Oh sweetheart, that guy is crazy. He also treated you very poorly and you shouldn't want to be with him. You are so young, but trust me as you get to be an old lady like me, you will realize how unacceptable this is. You really don't want this guy involved in raising your daughter, either, with his views on women evident here. Take this as a blessing and get out, please.
SamB167 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I'm sorry the perspective of others is grim, but everyone of them are saying the very same thing! and I agree with everyone of those posts. I know it's not what you want to hear, but we can all see that nothing good will come from the relationship, it's very difficult to conceive it as even being a relationship. No one deserves to be treated the way he is treating you. I can't imagine how hard it is for you right now to see sense, but please I wish you could! A young attractive women your age has such a bright future, but not with this guy, he will, I guarantee it destroy you. Please for the sake of your daughter see sense. I'm sorry it's such a negative reply, but none of us here want to see you get anymore severely hurt.
Author beelibra Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 We are in a Long distance relationship seeing eachother every 3-4 weeks from California to Arizona and have been together for 9 months. He has jealousy issues, mainly retroactive. Anyways, he unfriended me on Facebook a couple days ago saying he thinks it'll be better for our relationship and for him because he hates seeing guys comment on my pictures, and certain things I post if were having a rough day or what not will rub him the wrong way. He says hes just too focused on always seeing what im doing and it stresses him out. Honestly I hate it and it makes me really sad. But we are hitting rocky times so its worth a shot? What do you think? I hate the fact that hes friends with everyone but me...
soccerrprp Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 1. Do you see merit in his argument? 2. Are there other forms of communication you two use? Regularly? If so, so what about FB. I think FB and online relationships are absurd. Pick up the phone, text if that is convenient, but not over-used, but why rely on something like FB, on social media? I mean, great to stay in touch with friends, family, but your BF???? Personally, I think he made the right move. He already has jealousy issues and his following you on FB doesn't help and is not healthy.
MidwestUSA Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 It's a good first step toward detaching yourself from the abusive, controlling loser! Why are you still with him? 1
Author beelibra Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 1. Do you see merit in his argument? 2. Are there other forms of communication you two use? Regularly? If so, so what about FB. I think FB and online relationships are absurd. Pick up the phone, text if that is convenient, but not over-used, but why rely on something like FB, on social media? I mean, great to stay in touch with friends, family, but your BF???? Personally, I think he made the right move. He already has jealousy issues and his following you on FB doesn't help and is not healthy. I appreciate you seeing things from his perspective, I do as well. I do model and he gets frustrated seeing other comments from people and then feeling like he's just agreeing with them if he were to make a comment. It frustrates him and he just doesn't like seeing it. So I do fully understand that. We talk & text regularly throughout the day, but being so far seeing what he's doing and a tagging each other in cute little things makes me feel that much better and closer...it makes it easier. So it makes me sad that we're not and I kind of want to tell him that but I want to respect how he's feeling right now and help his jealousy not make it worse.
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