aliveagain Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 My ex did the crying, begging me not to leave, even woke me up in bed one night with her girlfriend and herself naked in bed with me, but never ever confessed that she cheated, even with an affair child. She even attempted suicide 30 days before I left, she found out I had booked movers. She was an amazing actress, but than most bipolar types are, they can convince you of almost anything they want you to believe. Best thing you can do is expose O/M, no more contact, biological father or not, all drop offs through a third party. She can have you or she can have O/M in her life but not both. Talk to a lawyer about a post nuptial agreement if you decide to give her another chance. Watch her actions. 1
Fluttershy Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 She may be faking or my be genuine. Both are possible. But even if she is genuine as others have stated her actions are far more important. People can have an epiphany. A moment when things seem clear. But uness they act on the epiphany and make changes it will just fade away. 3
JourneyLady Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Ooohhhh... This one I just had to reply to. Okay, so my betrayal wasn't one of lies; just that I told him what was happening and he didn't confront me with strong objections or a "stop or I'm outta here". It also wasn't even physical. But he had his revenge or exit affair and we divorced. That was my wake up call. Toward the end of it, I was "beginning" to wake up very slowly and start being more caring toward him, but between depression and selfishness I did more pushing away than pulling toward. The AP he had was pulling toward, of course. When the divorce happened, it took a long time for me to really believe it, believe he was gone. He married her a bit later and I was still in denial. Two years and a bad relationship later, I started to realize what I'd had. I woke up and started to care more about the people in my life than in just getting what I want. I stayed in the bad relationship for three more years trying to solve problems... Am I repentant? You bet! Will I ever cheat again or even cross boundaries? No Way! As bad as the relationship with my ex-bf was, I did NOT cheat on him, even during the break-up periods of as much as a month. Would I care for my ex-husband now if he ever came back? You just bet I would. I was insecure while we were married. I'd been abandoned before and that was part of my issues. I was sure he would leave again and I was always looking for reasons he might. My online AP (not married) made me feel good about myself, so that's where the attraction was. He was meeting emotional needs that my ex-husband was not too good at doing. I'd give just about anything to have that man back, but it's not happening. The OW/Wife has a firm grip on him and in addition he will not cross any lines she sets for him, I'm sure. But I'm not budging myself unless and until I find a man as good to me as he was, and when I do I am certainly NOT crossing any boundaries again. (Plus I won't date any guy into polyamory or threesomes or any of the :outside the bonds of the relationship: stuff.) I'm repentant and waiting for someone special to prove it to. 2
JourneyLady Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I forgot to add that I won't even cross those boundaries with my ex-husband, as I will not get involved with a married man no matter how much I may still be attracted. As long as he's hers, he won't be mine. Also I did have two different IC's in the past five years. Taught me different things, but overall I can look back and see what poor boundaries I had. Not surprising given my family -- and my ex-husband's family was even worse. What's more surprising is that we stayed married as long as we did. 2
harrybrown Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 How was the MC? Did it help you and did your wife tell you she would do something special for you as she did many special things for the OM? She did make him use protection didn't she so she does not have to be tested for stds?
tiredofitall2 Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 It is very common for people to wake out of their fog on D-Day. I think she will never do something like this again especially from her reaction. If she had been less remorseful or even trying to justify her actions then I would warn you to either watch her or file for D. But, I really doubt she will fail again, unless something goes terribly wrong.
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I believe her emotions are real. I've lived with her for 8 years and shes not that good of an actress. I was having a bad day yesterday due to me finally dwelling on what she had done. She did look ashamed and start sobbing uncontrollably before going outside in the dark to cry alone on the porch. When I finally got her back inside, she started sobbing that she was a horrible person, horrible wife, and horrible mother. She truly did seem ashamed and you cant fake the emotions she was having. She even threatened to kill herself, which I have never, ever heard her do. She said she could just drive her car off the freeway because she didnt deserve any of us and she was so ashamed of everything she brought on the family. I think shes sorry for what she did, even if she didnt confess until I busted her. I just have a hard time believing that she is now a changed woman and wants to be the woman/wife/mother she should have always been. I'm just afraid this epiphany she had will only last until she feels things are okay and then problems will start up again. The sobbing and crying is meaningless. Well, let me rephrase. It's a lot better than if she told you to shove it, but it doesn't really prove anything. A lot of guys think they can tell when their wives are sincere, but then again, they couldn't tell when they were being lied to for months or years while the affair was going on. And in many cases, the tears were real, but not out of guilt or remorse, but out of feeling sorry for themselves, that they got caught, that they couldn't have their cake and eat it too. Then again, it could be genuine. But there is no way to tell right off the bat. If it is genuine, she will keep it up. Her actions will prove it over time.
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Anyways, she is pretty much on lock down with me and shes fine with that. I even offered to give her back her cell because it is pretty inconvenient for her to not have one. She refused and said she doesnt need one. She told me to go ahead and destroy the OMs life if I wanted. Believe me, I want to so bad and I can do it in so many different ways. This piece of filth would be absolutely destroyed financially and emotionally if I wanted to. Still havent decided on what I will do with him. She does seem very remorseful and I believe she is sorry because you cant fake the emotions shes had. If she is faking, I need to get her ass to Hollywood fast. I guess only time will tell if she really had a life changing experience or if shes just kissing my butt until things get better in her mind. I feel that by 40, you are who you are. I'm just hoping this experience was so traumatic that it knocked her back on track. I tell her everyday, the woman/wife she is being today is worth going through this for. I can R with the woman she is being today. I told her the woman she was isnt worth any of this. I'm just going to follow the path I always have. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Based on her willingness to throw other man under the bus, and the fact that she doesn't want her phone back, I would say she is genuine. Very few cheaters are willing to turn on their affair partners after being caught. The truly remorseful ones will do what they have to do in order to save their marriage and make their betrayed spouse feel better. They may not want to throw the affair partner under the bus, but they will to help their marriage and their spouse. The unremorseful ones will hold on to not hurting the affair partner, tell you that it was their own fault, not the affair partner's fault, affair partner is a good person, and will argue that they need to talk to the affair partner for "closure" (which never actually leads to closure - as in "the end of the affair"). She doesn't want the phone back - she might not trust herself to maintain no contact with other man if she had the phone. That is OK for now. 1
Darren Steez Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I've lived with her for 8 years and shes not that good of an actress. Good enough to have had an affair without you knowing. Just saying 1
Woggle Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I don't know how she really feels but actions are what tell the truth. If she proves it through her actions she will show how she really feels. 2
Author Ap22 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 (edited) Make sure you always make her feel important...that she is number one...if you do, she should never have a reason to stray again. I think this is the reason why she felt she could cheat. I always made her feel important, she knew she was my one and only, and I gave her freedom. The reason for her cheating was her insecurities and low self esteem. Its evident by the man she chose. There was nothing I did to make her cheat. She put her entire family aside for her pleasure. Also, just to be clear. I had suspicions all along. I just didnt have the proof and honestly I didnt bother to check because I wanted to trust her. Plus I didnt think she would ever do this. When I talk about her not being a good actress, I'm not talking about just tears. Its little things she does that I know she cant fake. They are genuine, and for me to say that takes a lot. Now dont get me wrong, I know she probably is over doing it, but there are just certain reactions and little things that would just be hard to fake. We did our first MC session yesterday and it was pretty good. She went in head first and disclosed everything. Thing that struck me the most is that while she was saying everything she was looking me in the eye the entire time. I had a hard time looking her in the eye while she was talking, but it struck me kind of strange that she was focused on me, not the counselor. The counselor said they had never seen a couple handle this so well. I guess they were referring to me since I was pretty level headed and relaxed. The counselor felt like her emotions were real and that she was truly sorry for what she had done. From what she could tell after one session, she felt that my wife was truly remorseful. My wife started going down a slippery slope in life. My problem was giving her to much freedom, giving her no reason to fear losing me. It takes a strong, confident person to handle freedom responsibly. She is neither strong or confident and she obviously couldnt handle it. Her low self esteem and the fact that her self worth is based off what people think of her is what led to this. I could sit there all day and tell her how gorgeous she is, how incredible her body looks, how much I loved her....but it wouldnt matter. I was her husband, I'm supposed to say those things I guess. When it comes from someone else, that validation was to intoxicating for her fragile state of mind. I guess in a weird way, knowing this had nothing to do with me is helping me take this better. Had I been a bad lover, inadequate in bed, whatever, and she went out because I couldnt satisfy her, then it would have been hard. This was all her issues and stupidity that led her here, and considering how much of a downgrade the spineless weasel was that she had the affair with.....well, that goes to prove my point even more. She had a real man at home who she doesnt deserve. Maybe she even knows that. Thats why she had an affair with someone who is spineless and gutless in every sense of those words. Truly a born loser. Had she had an affair with a man, a real man, well then maybe this would be harder to handle. Edited December 4, 2013 by Ap22 2
janedoe67 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I don't know how she really feels but actions are what tell the truth. If she proves it through her actions she will show how she really feels. I like this very simple answer. He doesn't know (neither do any of the rest of us), you don't know (cause it's way too soon). Heck, SHE may not truly know. Her actions over TIME will make it clear.
Author Ap22 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 I like this very simple answer. He doesn't know (neither do any of the rest of us), you don't know (cause it's way too soon). Heck, SHE may not truly know. Her actions over TIME will make it clear. Yeah and thats the great unknown. She is being everything I ever wanted her to be right now. How long will this continue though? I've made it perfectly clear to her that I am staying for the woman who I have now, the woman she says she wants to, and will be. I told her I will not stay/fight for the woman she was. That woman turned out to be trash who found comfort with other trash. I told her I will have no problems/hesitation dropping her if I even sense her old ways are coming back. There was a very fine line drawn to her. My focus and desires are crystal clear. She better show me every day of my life that her family is more important to her than anything in this world. Only time will tell though.
peruano99 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Most women will cry when they are exposed as cheating. Personally I believe if one gets cheated on, it's best to separate and go in separate ways. It will never be the same.
Dimepiece Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 She's sorry she got caught. And you're in denial. Why stay with someone that doesn't love you ? Move on or she will cheat again
michelangelo Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Also, just to be clear. I had suspicions all along. I just didnt have the proof and honestly I didnt bother to check because I wanted to trust her. Plus I didnt think she would ever do this. When I talk about her not being a good actress, I'm not talking about just tears. Its little things she does that I know she cant fake. They are genuine, and for me to say that takes a lot. Now dont get me wrong, I know she probably is over doing it, but there are just certain reactions and little things that would just be hard to fake. Look, I get it that you are doing mental gyrations to make yourself want reconciliation to work. And I do wish you luck with that. I just want to point out that you keep making false assumptions about how hard it would be for your wife to fake something. Some people, especially those who have deceived and cheated successfully, can fake EVERYTHING with ease. I can't tell you with any certainty that your wife is such a person. However, that kind of active deception is par for the course. It's straight out of the cheater's handbook. Please verify rather than assume. Wishful thinking will not work.
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