(It's pretty long sorry!) Dumped after 4 Years

[JustClaire]

Hey,

 

I've never posted in anything like this before, like a forum thing...I don't want to annoy my friends by pouring this out on to them every time I get upset, so I guess I'm using it as an outlet for the whole thing...

 

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me about a month ago. We'd been living together for 2 years and in my mind I thought we were heading for the big things…not anytime soon, I've never been pushy and have always said 'it happens when it happens'. We'd been on trips away this year, had some really nice times, obviously work gets in the way and we both work long hours so things weren't perfect, but it had been a good year and we'd booked a holiday to NY in December. All looking pretty good.

 

We went out for dinner about 2 months ago and he brought up the future, said things like he thought it was cool I'd never been pushy about engagements, asked if anyone had said anything about him proposing in NY and I laughed and said yeah they had, but I'd told them we just weren't there yet, it's just a holiday guys! He brought up the topic of buying a house, and I hadn't even thought about that step yet, and he was like 'I think we should look next year at a house' so I'm thinking, great, this is all lovely…he even chooses 5 on a website to show me the next day.

 

Fast forward two weeks. He's distant, off with me, can't look me in the eye, finds any excuse to go out and is generally not great. No hugs, kisses. Nothing. So I went away for the weekend which had been planned with my friends. My boyfriend and I had some contact on text, not much, and when I came back to our flat he was still being really weird with me, so I confronted him and he said he was confused about how he felt about me, and he cried. I hadn't seen him cry in our four years, so I knew it was serious. I was basically put in limbo whilst he decided what he felt…and in the meantime, it was our 4 year anniversary. Ouch. That was on a Tuesday, we bought cards, his in retrospect was almost like a goodbye and thanks for all the memories, and he bought me a present. Confused. In the evening we chatted, drank some wine and didn't put the TV on, it was nice. We had sex. It was the best of a bad situation I guess….but nothing really changed from that point and then when he came in really late on the Friday and he gave me 'that look' - this smile that was like I was this stranger - I told him he had to tell me... He sat down and said 'I've been thinking about some of the things we talked about last week, and I can't stop thinking…I really love you, you're my best friend but I'm not in love with you'. World shattered.

 

I had to stay in the same flat as him for 2 and a half weeks - luckily our jobs and social lives kept us apart a lot, but every Sunday we'd end up having to spend the afternoon/evening together, and that was nice, heartbreaking and hard. We were talking and crying, and it was horrible. So I moved out of our flat two weeks ago and we divvy'ed our belongings up - everything had been joined, things like bedding and Christmas decorations, it was all so sad. I had been trying to be as strong and brave as I could, and it was working for the most part. I did the whole did you cheat on me thing and he said no, and I told him not to make a fool of me in the time I was in the same flat as him.

 

So now I'm at my parents home for 2 months until I move back for work next year, and this is where it has been the hardest. So many tears. I've been to two big parties, nights out, gigs, seen my girlfriends, gone to the pub, been shopping and babysat a 5 month old, oh and been surrounded by a puppy…but everything is tinged with this huge overwhelming sadness in me. It's been a month, I don't know if I should feel less panicky yet, I get upset at the first times without him which I expect, but then in the shower?? Whuuuuut!

 

I know there's no time limit, but it's not great bursting in to tears at a restaurant (yup, actually happened with my parents…just a few tears, I got over it and we drank a lot of wine!)…what can I do to make this better?

 

I know he won't change his mind and I wouldn't take him back if he did. I'd never trust that he wouldn't do this again, the decision is done. He's a really nice person and we get on still, weirdly though I do hate him a bit, obviously, and I know it's the best decision but I just can't stop hurting…and thinking about him with other people. It's driving me crazy.

 

So that's that really, if there is any advice that you could give me I would appreciate it - this is my first real proper heartbreak and I don't know how to handle it... I guess that makes me pretty lucky at age 29 to have only experienced it now…but how do I go through the stages without ending up with people telling me to just get over it…I don't want to drag it out but I just can't feel okay.

 

Thanks for reading,

 

x

Edited December 3, 2013 by JustClaire
Title Change

[30andsad]

Claire, sounds like we went through almost the exact same circumstances, same age and everything. Only difference is that the gender roles were reversed being I'm a guy and she left me.

 

I know exactly what you are feeling and I'm a few weeks down the road from you on the recovery process. I've definitely improved, but still have bad days where everything just seems so hopeless.

 

4 years is a long time, and living with someone for 2 years makes it difficult too. I lived with my ex for 3 years and we did buy the house together just shy of 2 years ago. Outside of the lose of the relationship, it takes time to get used to living alone again. For instance, she always unpacked the dishwasher (I packed) and did most of the laundry responsibilities (where as I vacuumed, cleaned countertops, did the yard, etc.). Even 9 weeks after she left the house, I still feel weird unpacking a dishwasher or folding my clothes; in fact, I haven't folded them yet, I've just been cycling from the basket to the wash to wearing to the basket again.

 

I think the age doesn't make it any easier either. I just turned 30 last month and literally all of my friends are in long term relationships or married. I've never been a fan of the single life and not excited about dating again because I'm neurotic and it's a pain warming a new girl up to all my eccentricities. Seeing everyone your age in these happy relationships doesn't help either and I'm not getting any younger.

 

So, I understand the pain on many of the same levels. Staying busy has helped me the most, it keeps my mind off of it. I read a few books on relationships, finding meaning in suffering, etc. And, I truly believe there is a lot to learn about yourself and about what you want to find in a future partner through all this. It sucks -- I mean, really, really sucks worse that about anything else on this planet. However, keeping an open mind, you can learn a good deal about where you maybe faltered in the relationship and how to correct going forward, and more importantly, what were issues on the ex's side that you could spot as red flags in future relationships.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The holidays don't help -- I am so dreading Christmas this year, and it's normally my favorite holiday. We'll get through it though -- this too shall pass!

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Bursting in tears in a restaurant? Been there, done that! It's emotion, it's beautiful. You were broken, you have every right to cry. Who cares what others think.

 

And this: 'I've been thinking about some of the things we talked about last week, and I can't stop thinking…I really love you, you're my best friend but I'm not in love with you'.

 

My ex said the same thing a little over a week ago, since then I have moved in (because I just gave up my apartment and had nowhere to go) and am now forced to live in the same house with him. So I can understand how you feel completely. Although it's good you got out as soon as you could!

 

(We were together for 3 years by the way)

 

Anyways, not much advice I can give because I'm going through it too. It's hard and you just have to get through it. You have to live with this pain for now. And write here as much as you need too. Don't ever let yourself feel alone during a heartbreak because you aren't. So many other people are in the same boat you are.

 

When someone decides to leave you, let them go. Please don't beg or plead because you don't need to do that with someone who wants to stay, you would only get pity from a dumper and you don't want to convince someone to be with you or worse, force them. Just find a way to accept his decision and continue on with yourself. Remain No Contact. I promise that is the best thing for you now. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it gives you control of your life and helps you realize you have a choice also.

 

Do everything you can to avoid him. It sounds cruel and scary because you spent a long time with him, but it is the only way for you to heal. Be selfish and be understanding that sometimes love isn't everything. If he texts you, reply with a simple "Please respect my privacy as I continue on with my life and heal from this breakup." Or whatever you want to say, but be mature and don't show emotion or don't make him jealous.

 

One thing I learned no amount of contact or no contact will make an ex want you back. They only come back if they decide it's what they want. Accept it is over and put the control back in your hands.

 

He wants to break up? Dandy. Open the door for him. He is not your life, he is not your happiness. You have control of who you are.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

The holidays don't help -- I am so dreading Christmas this year, and it's normally my favorite holiday. We'll get through it though -- this too shall pass!

 

I was dreading Christmas at first also because we were going to my mom's and I was so excited for it. It's sad he won't be there and I'll miss him, but I'm not going to let him ruin something I won't be able to take back.

 

Please don't let your ex take that from you! Spend it with family, buy gifts and dress up and wear a Santa hat. Eat some warm baked cookies and laugh and listen to beautiful Christmas music while cozing up to the fire place. Find that spirit and keep it. Don't let your ex take away your happiness. They might be able to take away the relationship, but please don't let them take your good spirit away. It only comes once a year, let them have the other days, but give yourself one day to just forget.

 

It's easy to sit back and lurk in the pain, I get it. It's hard work to keep that smile on your face and enjoy a holiday without a loved one.

 

But they never said hard work was easy, but it's worth it.

[JustClaire]

Thank you both for responding, I didn't know whether anyone would, so I really appreciate that.

 

30andsad…I hope you don't stay sad too much longer. It amazes me how many people are going through this, but it's a big old world isn't it... Thank you for sharing what has been going on with you, it's comforting to know I'm not so alone. I know exactly what you mean about everyone getting married and engaged around you, I have been to so many hen dos and weddings, and have more in the diary for next year. Really hits home the current situation.

 

I have already started to look back on the relationship with the beauty of hindsight and of course, I am not faultless - if I had been what he wanted/needed, this wouldn't have happened, I know that sometimes people just change…and I guess that is what happened here. It still hurts like hell.

 

Staying busy is best completely, I am trying to do that and so far the good days have been the days where it's been full and my mind has been taken off of it.

 

I love Christmas sooooo much and this year will be a test! I am faking it till I make it in regards to Christmas, I hope you get through yours too. Thanks again for your post.

 

 

CottonSocks - 'It's emotion, it's beautiful. You were broken, you have every right to cry. Who cares what others think.' I like that line, very much.

 

You seem so strong for something that has happened even more recently for you, so thank you for taking the time to reply. I like the no balls attitude and I will try as hard as I can to adopt that. I have neither begged nor pleaded for him to change his mind or anything and never will, I even said to him that I wouldn't in one of our face to face conversations and he said 'Ry, that's not your style' and damn right it isn't.

 

'He is not your life, he is not your happiness. You have control of who you are.'

 

Taking that one, too.

 

I guess I feel a bit helpless and want the tears to subside, but it is indeed that old adage, time.

 

I hope the both of you start to get through this too and I really appreciate your words, thank you.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

It's not easy developing this "no balls" attitude. But it was either that or sulk in my own pity. I decided to take back the control in my life and do what I can with what I have. It's a commitment to be strong, and it requires more hard work than just sitting there and crying.

 

I couldn't go a day without his smile, without telling him things or hearing his voice.

 

Then that day arrived and it was hard and the next day was harder. And I know I'm going to feel this pain for a long time. But why not make this ride a little less rocky? Why not TRY to make the best of it? What do I have to lose?

 

Losing someone isn't an occasion or an event. It doesn't come once a year, it happens over and over again. I lose him every time I get I get up in the morning, or when I hear his favorite song on the radio, or when I realize I still have his shirt he gave me to wear at night. (and I still wear it...)

 

I lose him every time I think of him, every time I wonder what it would be like to kiss him again or hold him. I go to bed at night and lose him, when I wish I could tell him all about my day.

 

I lose him in the morning when I wake up and I realize he is no longer laying next to me.

 

But he lost me also. And he doesn't get to have me anymore. He gave me up and I'm not some barbie doll you throw away and want back when you get bored again.

 

When you lose things, sometimes you never find them again. But you replace them with something better. Something that will never risk the chance of losing you...

[JustClaire]

That's so true, and you've put in to words exactly how I feel about losing my boyfriend.

 

Don't get me wrong, I haven't just been sat endlessly crying and moping, feeling sorry for myself day after day - I have been trying to get out and about and I have done, but it's the state of mind that you're in that I need to be in too.

 

He lost me too. Yeah. He did.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

That's so true, and you've put in to words exactly how I feel about losing my boyfriend.

 

Don't get me wrong, I haven't just been sat endlessly crying and moping, feeling sorry for myself day after day - I have been trying to get out and about and I have done, but it's the state of mind that you're in that I need to be in too.

 

He lost me too. Yeah. He did.

 

YES!! Please don't forget that.

 

Well here is how I do it. Like I said, it's no where near easy. It's difficult to change how your mind thinks, but very possible. It takes practice though.

 

I give myself a few breaks during the day to just relish in my thoughts and sadness, to feel it, because it's important to know this sadness so you can let go of it. I'm talking no more than 5 minutes of relishing because anymore than that and it's hard to get out of. Your bitter/sad thoughts can easily take control of you if you let them. So give yourself a moment to just think about it for awhile. It's okay to be sad, it's okay to feel this way. But once you feel it getting too heavy, let go. Refocus.

 

and for the rest of the day, keep yourself busy. Keep your hands moving. Your mind focused. I like giving advice to others on here because it distracts me from thinking of how hurt I am. You can read a book, watch a tv show, clean the house, get busy at work, talk to a friend, do a project, spend time with friends/family etc. Most importantly, be around people (even if it's just in a coffee shop playing on your computer) as much as you can. I don't know why that helps me, but I guess it makes me feel not so alone.

 

Trust me, I know how hard it is to stay busy because your mind wants to suck you in and take control. But just keep pushing. Do things even if you don't want to do them. Get up and DO IT. Be proactive, be positive. Replace every negative thought about this breakup with a positive one.

 

For example:

Negative: I'm so sad he left me.

Positive: I am a beautiful woman and today is a beautiful day. I deserve to be happy.

 

Negative: He is never coming back, I wasn't good enough.

Positive: I will find love again, but will remind myself I don't need anyone to make me happy.

 

Every time a negative thought enters your mind, push it out and say NO! Replace it with something positive. Remind yourself that in 5 years (definitely less) from now you will be moved on and happy again with a new man and a new life.

 

What's the greatest thing about all of this? It's in your control. It's all in your hands. It's up to you if you want to work on it or not. :-)

 

Other little tips to get your though:

Take a sleeping pill at night. Make sure you get your rest

Eat healthy

Exercise

Drink water and plenty of it

Learn how to meditate and clear your mind

REMAIN NO CONTACT

Edited December 3, 2013 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[KelC411]

Hi Claire, sorry to hear this happened to you. My break up was also seemingly out of the blue (although we had a fight before) so I can relate to that shock type of grief. I am also back at my parents' house and continually notice first times without him. For a split second I will think of telling him something or doing something with him and then it is tears galore followed by fetal position. The shower is also tough for me. I think it is because there is nothing to do in there but think. If I could I would hire someone to just stand in there and talk to me so I didnt have to always cry in there. I dont have much advice because I am further behind you recovery wise (its been a little over a week) but I just wanted to tell you that I relate and hope that brings you a little comfort. Hang in there. I believe it will get better for us if we just put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Hi Claire, sorry to hear this happened to you. My break up was also seemingly out of the blue (although we had a fight before) so I can relate to that shock type of grief. I am also back at my parents' house and continually notice first times without him. For a split second I will think of telling him something or doing something with him and then it is tears galore followed by fetal position. The shower is also tough for me. I think it is because there is nothing to do in there but think. If I could I would hire someone to just stand in there and talk to me so I didnt have to always cry in there. I dont have much advice because I am further behind you recovery wise (its been a little over a week) but I just wanted to tell you that I relate and hope that brings you a little comfort. Hang in there. I believe it will get better for us if we just put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

 

AWWW so awful. I'm so sorry for your loss. I think we can all relate to the OP. It's hard. I know what you mean about showers too, I used to take long showers, now I just want to get out of there. And for some reason when I cry in the shower, it feels weird because I can't feel the tears coming down and I hate it.

 

You have to get past the pain. It's okay to cry here and there and be fond of those memories and to miss them. But don't get settled into the pain.

 

Remind yourself of all the great things around you. Your relationship may have ended, but not your life. Keep pushing on.

 

Don't lose your control.

[JustClaire]

KelC - I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a horrible time. I was trying to describe the pain to a friend and I came up with this, it's like having a little knife in your heart, it constantly hurts because it's in there but then when you remember something or think of something, even last night, his teeth??!, it twists a little bit and a sharp pain happens. But I need to hold on to the fact that these little sharp pains will go with time, and you're right, one step forward. I really hope you start to feel better too and your heart starts mending.

 

CottonSocks - That is the most helpful post in the world, thank you so much - really great tips and just a general load of advice! Thank you for taking the time to write that because it was a kick up the butt. I know I am wallowing a little, I have too much time on my hands but I aim to be in a whole different head space as soon as possible. I'm going to see a flat tomorrow for me to move to next year, so there are good things ahead. Time, time, time, isn't it?

I will be using your advice greatly, and I hope you too start to feel better and your heart heals soon.

[RDawg]

You women are amazing. I love the way you articulate your feelings. I can't believe these guys let you go. Foolish of them.