websites- looking for a relationship

[violet1]

thanks all- good advice........ stuff I need to read.

it makes sense... guess I let the emotion of being with someone get the best of me and sometimes it's the easy way out...

 

Oh man! After reading your last read, I can see why you're thinking of having an A. Although I don't recommend them, but if you seriously want advice about online sites, I can give you some really good advice. When I was seeking out my affair, I checked all different sites out. It still amazes me I mwt my exMM through craigslist out of all places. Lol I've also been on forums specifically for married cheaters. I can let you know what other men said about some of these sites. Online MBL sites are very different for men than women. I won't discuss the different sites publicly only through PM.

[CanJanus]

Why can't you just divorce your wife and get joint custody of your kids and date?

 

Family law is not gender neutral, he will likely be screwed. He might get the kids every other weekend, and his financial situation will be wrecked for decades.

 

An affair is much better than a divorce... unless you get caught . Even when caught the marriage (and financial situation, and relationship with children) can often be saved if a divorce is avoided.

 

Ashley Madison though is not the best place, there is a certain amount of fraud at that site. Just engage in activities, and let something happen organically. Alternatively, plenty of fish might be a way to find somebody compatible.

[Realist3]

Just engage in activities, and let something happen organically. Alternatively, plenty of fish might be a way to find somebody compatible.

 

^ This. Find a hobby or some group you can join with interaction with numerous people.

[Popsicle]

I have decided that right now my only option is to have an affair. I am a 45 YO married man (20 years)- with 3 kids. I am very involved with my children and have just surrendered to the fact that not much is going to change. I have not been with anyone in years and would like some companionship. Has anyone tried sites like AshleyMadison.com?? I would like to hear some feedback as to what type of people are on there- I did take a sample look but it looked a little scary to me..... I'm very hesistant to go that route but I do not know where else to go to look.... any feedback is appreciated

 

Kudos to you for opening up and coming to ask this question here in order to get information.

[KathyM]

Don't wreck your life, or that of your wife and children. My sister's XWS had an affair, and the OW became irate when things didn't go her way, she called my sister, informing her of the affair, tried to blackmail the WS and extort money from him, and my sister and her kids were traumatized and they ended up divorced. Some cheap thrills are not worth the huge price you will pay in the destruction of your family.

[violet1]

There's no way to know for sure but estimates place the number somewhere around 90% of the women that actually partake in ashley madison type anonymous hookups are either mentally ill or intellectually challenged. Many are "servicing" several men PER DAY. Are you the kind of man that victimizes incompetent women???

 

Not to mention, IT'S VILE and DANGEROUS.

 

Besides STD's, people are getting robbed & beaten. It's not like you'll call the authorities.

 

There are also vigilante groups attacking the website setting up fake accounts, arranging fake meetings, documenting it and exposing the perpetrators once they reveal themselves.

 

Please try everything to save your marriage FIRST and if that fails, divorce before proceeding to your next REAL relationship. An affair will only make you (and your entire family) more miserable.

 

I find this comment to be a bit insulting. I checked out the Ashley Madison site and I'm a married woman. I am NOT "mentally I'll" or "intellectually challenged". I was confused and in a dark spot in my life, but not crazy. I also know of another woman who used that site and she is neither of those things either.

 

I get that affairs are wrong and I'm not proud of the past decisions I've made. However, making statements that 90% of people who seek out affairs are crazy is ridiculous and untrue.

[ClemsonTigers]

I find this comment to be a bit insulting. I checked out the Ashley Madison site and I'm a married woman. I am NOT "mentally I'll" or "intellectually challenged". I was confused and in a dark spot in my life, but not crazy. I also know of another woman who used that site and she is neither of those things either.

 

I get that affairs are wrong and I'm not proud of the past decisions I've made. However, making statements that 90% of people who seek out affairs are crazy is ridiculous and untrue.

 

I am sorry you were offended. It was merely an estimate I had heard…not a statement.

 

Never the less, I'll restate….to the original poster. Another reason not to do Ashley Madison type anonymous hookups is that a large percentage of the women are either mentally ill, intellectually challenged and/or "confused and in a dark spot in their life". Whatever they are they are not of sound mind. Sure some may be legally consenting adults but in MY OPINION (and likely the opinion of the rest of the women in your family including your daughters) you would be victimizing these women were you to follow through with it. If and when a husband gets caught there he'd be perceived as an adulterer AND a predator. I'd never suggest a prostitute but at least they have enough sense to ask for payment.

 

Over the last few days I heard another online hookup website horror story. A colleague of mine had a client that went to a hookup, got consensually tied up and blindfolded and then a few guys came in and gang raped him. Finding a anonymous hookup person isn't as easy and safe as anyone would have you believe. It's a very dangerous game of roulette. Especially for a married person with children.

Edited December 4, 2013 by ClemsonTigers

[violet1]

I am sorry you were offended. It was merely an estimate I had heard…not a statement.

 

Never the less, I'll restate….to the original poster. Another reason not to do Ashley Madison type anonymous hookups is that a large percentage of the women are either mentally ill, intellectually challenged and/or "confused and in a dark spot in their life". Whatever they are they are not of sound mind. Sure some may be legally consenting adults but in MY OPINION (and likely the opinion of the rest of the women in your family including your daughters) you would be victimizing these women were you to follow through with it. If and when a husband gets caught there he'd be perceived as an adulterer AND a predator. I'd never suggest a prostitute but at least they have enough sense to ask for payment.

 

Over the last few days I heard another online hookup website horror story. A colleague of mine had a client that went to a hookup, got consensually tied up and blindfolded and then a few guys came in and gang raped him. Finding a anonymous hookup person isn't as easy and safe as anyone would have you believe. It's a very dangerous game of roulette. Especially for a married person with children.

 

It's no more dangerous than if you meet a random person in a gym, bar, or wherever. Crazy people are every where not just online. You ALWAYS take precautions when it comes to online dating whether it's singles or married people looking. I've never heard of a cheater being referred to as a 'predator" unless the AP is under age. I still disagree with your comment that "women are not of sound mind." I may have been confused, but I knew exactly what I was doing when I signed up for that website. My affair "didn't just happen" like most cheaters claim, I sought it out. I'm sorry, but online affairs are not any worse than work or social circle affairs. Unless you've been in the shoes of a cheater, you have no clue to what you're talking about. It's the same for a BS. Unless someone has been there, they don't know how it feels to be a BS.

[Got it]

I think if one cannot cite their source to their stats then it is nothing more than conjecture and opinion.

[Realist3]

It's no more dangerous than if you meet a random person in a gym, bar, or wherever. Crazy people are every where not just online. You ALWAYS take precautions when it comes to online dating whether it's singles or married people looking. I've never heard of a cheater being referred to as a 'predator" unless the AP is under age. I still disagree with your comment that "women are not of sound mind." I may have been confused, but I knew exactly what I was doing when I signed up for that website. My affair "didn't just happen" like most cheaters claim, I sought it out. I'm sorry, but online affairs are not any worse than work or social circle affairs. Unless you've been in the shoes of a cheater, you have no clue to what you're talking about. It's the same for a BS. Unless someone has been there, they don't know how it feels to be a BS.

 

Nice catch there. Clemson is giving these women cheaters a total out. If they aren't of sound mind they can't be held responsible for their actions. I know that is getting into a bit of nuance there, but you rarely read a critic of affairs absolving the cheater of responsibility.

[carhill]

OP, if you're still reading, another alternative if you are mobile is targeting cultures where opinions on infidelity and/or affairs and/or poly relationships are not so polarized to the negative. In my generation, there was something known as a 'black book' which generally held information on current or potential companions one would engage at various times and places. I first noted this as a child watching movies about international affairs and later saw real-life versions. Of course, today, most everything is electronic.

 

If you do choose this path, I'd suggest caution regarding investment of marital assets in companion activities, depending on your jurisdiction. It can come back to bite you. Separate, untraceable and/or business assets would probably be a better choice. Beyond the simplest of 'free' interactions, like all of us posting here, companionship costs. If it does ultimately cost you your M, IMO better to have your ducks in a row from the beginning.

 

You might get more specific feedback on polyamory forums regarding specific sites. In fact, googling the word can give you plenty of leads to follow up on.

[violet1]

Nice catch there. Clemson is giving these women cheaters a total out. If they aren't of sound mind they can't be held responsible for their actions. I know that is getting into a bit of nuance there, but you rarely read a critic of affairs absolving the cheater of responsibility.

 

I was thinking the same thing. He was basically stating that women seeking affairs online are "mentally ill" and the men are sexual "predators". I wasn't some lunatic seeking a strange piece of a$$ online nor was I someone looking to blackmail a married man. I was exactly like the OP. I tried everything from marriage counseling to a trial separation before I started looking. I was very lonely in my marriage. All I wanted was someone to chat/laugh with, to be held, kissed and appreciated. I found all of that and more with my exMM. The man became my best friend. I still love and miss him very much. He and I chatted for 2 months before we met in person. When we did meet, it was in a very public place. Not one of our conversations turned sexual until after we met and hit it off. I didn't meet him from Ashley Madison. I personally wasn't a big fan, but the site is not as bad as people make it sound. It's just very expensive for men and not as many women on there.

[sweet_pea]

Ashley Madison is not as bad as people make it sound... yes, a website made for folks wanting to have affairs (instead of divorcing & being honest (!!!) with their spouses & causing tons of pain/issues) isn't that bad.... ok.

 

OP, I hope you realize that if you are avoiding a divorce or hurting your family, having an affair is not the way to go. Divorce your wife if you are miserable.

Edited December 4, 2013 by sweet_pea

[violet1]

Ashley Madison is not as bad as people make it sound... yes, a website made for folks wanting to have affairs (instead of divorcing & being honest (!!!) with their spouses & causing tons of pain/issues) isn't that bad.... ok.

 

Oh my! That's not what I was meaning. Any who, I'm not going to get into the whole divorce is better than having an affair debate. It sounds great and all, but the many comments that you should divorce before you cheat is NOT realistic. I made the correct actions before I ever had an affair and it all blew up in my face. I was told how horrible I was and that I was a quitter for wanting a divorce. I'm not justifying affairs or saying it's okay. Yes, cheating is a chicken sh*t move, but getting divorced is not as simple as people like to state.

[sweet_pea]

Oh my! That's not what I was meaning. Any who, I'm not going to get into the whole divorce is better than having an affair debate. It sounds great and all, but the many comments that you should divorce before you cheat is NOT realistic. I made the correct actions before I ever had an affair and it all blew up in my face. I was told how horrible I was and that I was a quitter for wanting a divorce. I'm not justifying affairs or saying it's okay. Yes, cheating is a chicken sh*t move, but getting divorced is not as simple as people like to state.

 

I'm not saying it's simple, it's hard work and sucks at times (as someone who has gone through with it...) but I definitely think it's better than cheating and potentially getting a divorce as a result of the affair, anyway. But yeah

[SincereOnlineGuy]

That certainly isn't your "only option".

 

Instead you felt it was your easiest option.

 

 

And the thoughts/connections relating to the kids' friends' parents who got divorced, and the horror stories... were not centrally because of the divorces.

 

They were in most cases because of the unsavory traits present in one (or both) parents (remember one had those traits, and the other was somebody who would select a lover with those traits)... which were then in turn passed along TO their kids.

 

 

So for heaven's sake, just cut bait now, rather than complicate and limit your entire future all at the same time.

[Ladydrib]

I could- I am just fearful..... I can't help it- I am so worried about the effects on the kids.... they are all teenagers and I always hear horror stories of their friends parents who got divorced... I know it may not be the right way to go but I am just worried about them (yes I realize them seeing an unhappy marriage is not right either........)

 

Also is messed up for them to find out you were having affairs. Trust me, they find out. Seems like the best two options are to be happy with what you have or end it in an honest way.

[painfullyobvious]

If you are worried about the effects of divorce you are being hypocritical. What would the effects of a cheating father, who betrayed their mother, brought home an STD, while lying to the family daily like everything was okay do to your children. If you are unhappy they will not like it but understand later. However if you go on the prowl for sexual exploits and they find out they may never forgive you. What if you end up in an affair with a loon that hates your family and makes your life miserable. Children are very perceptive and are often the most wounded warriors in divorce and marital conflict. Think before you go ahead in this line of thinking.

[Chattycathy]

I have decided that right now my only option is to have an affair. I am a 45 YO married man (20 years)- with 3 kids. I am very involved with my children and have just surrendered to the fact that not much is going to change. I have not been with anyone in years and would like some companionship. Has anyone tried sites like AshleyMadison.com?? I would like to hear some feedback as to what type of people are on there- I did take a sample look but it looked a little scary to me..... I'm very hesistant to go that route but I do not know where else to go to look.... any feedback is appreciated

What is the problem with your wife? What is she doing or not doing?

[Chattycathy]

Ashley Madison is not as bad as people make it sound... yes, a website made for folks wanting to have affairs (instead of divorcing & being honest (!!!) with their spouses & causing tons of pain/issues) isn't that bad.... ok.

 

OP, I hope you realize that if you are avoiding a divorce or hurting your family, having an affair is not the way to go. Divorce your wife if you are miserable.

I had never heard of Ashley Madison. Of course, I had to check it out. Not my thing. Not into role play, kinky, threesome, spankings, etc. I might be naïve but I always thought of an affair as "just happening". I didn't realize how many people seek it out. If you are THAT miserable, why stay? If it is something you think you can tolerate for the kids sake, then you make every effort to make it work. When you cheat on your spouse, you cheat on your kids. If this really is all for them, then make the needed sacrifices or make the necessary changes so you can be the best spouse and father possible.

[Realist3]

If divorce isn't an option, or is going to take a long time, then openness is a far better option than sneaking around and cheating. Why not at least tell the spouse that you're unhappy and would like to consider an open relationship, or couples counseling, before lowering yourself to cheating?

 

Why? Because making the decision to cheat is a whole lot easier than all that other stuff you mentioned. I'm not trying to make light of your inquiry, just stating why.

 

"Hey I really find you attractive, would you like to fool around?"

 

"I'd love to, but first I need to ask my wife if she would like to have an open relationship, or maybe even a divorce. Would you mind giving me a few minutes while I make that call?"

[William]

As the thread starter hasn't returned for some time, moderation will close this for now.