LovesickAlberta Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 This is a message I received from a girl I am interested in: "I think I am more afraid of how much you say you like me, and what if I let you down more, or in person. Or after so few times or a long period of time of dating. The thing is, and I'm just being honest, this is reminding me of my ex and how I felt like he was so obsessive that he had alluded to wanting to kill me and didn't want anyone to have me if he couldn't. I'm on the fence of feeling flattered and want to see you, and afraid of you to be honest. And I don't just have myself to think about. My kids being in the picture as well makes me think even more about what negative affects this could all have on them. I know these things are extreme ******, but I think your forgetting I still fear my ex very much and had to be very safe and strategic to get away from him safely. When I lived with him toward the end, the last 2 weeks or so, I put on a face, said what I could and had to, to make sure he always felt at ease and non threatened by our relationship, and I checked in with my mom and friends multiple times a day until I got accepted for my place and could move in. All my friends at the time were his friends too and I had very limited options next to just remain living with him till the right time, and I also needed the money he owed me. The whole thing really messed me up... When anything reminds me of the way he felt about me its really a deterrent. This, is different and I know that. But it's kinda triggering me." ----- The thing is, she tends to say quite a bit about her ex-BF that she broke up with in January. However, when I actually got curious, and checked out his twitter account, it looks like he met someone shortly after, and moved on. H does talk quite a bit about his new GF, but not to the point of obsession. He has made no mention of her (girl I'm intersted in) on his tweets, and the pattern of his writing does not suggest he is mentally unstable in any way. I'm not sure what to believe. Advice?
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 You did something to overwhelm her. If she's only a potential GF, you came on too strong & revealed too soon how much you like her. She probably still isn't over the EX. Plus she's worried that her kids will get attached to you. On some levels she reminds me of a teenaged girl who doesn't know her own mind. I honestly thought the begining was written by somebody under 20. She isn't ready to have a relationship with you. 1
Author LovesickAlberta Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 I wanted to write back, but I'm not exactly what to put. Should I say something about her not being over her ex, and to give her time?
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Do not have long, involved emotional conversations over text. You need context. Call her up. Ask to meet for coffee. When you see her tell her you interpreted her text to mean that she's not ready to date & that's OK, you appreciate her honesty. You just wanted this last meeting to say goodbye & no harm no foul. Kiss her goodbye on the cheek. Wish her happy holidays & walk away. If she won't meet you, at least do the no harm no foul part but definitely put it out there that you won't be chasing her & wish her well in her life.
Author LovesickAlberta Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 Thanks, d0nnivain, you give really good advice. I did end up writing her back though: "Don't be scared, *****. I would never hurt you. You shouldn't worry about letting me down, either. Everyone has their quirks, and I'm an accepting person. As a general rule, I try to not get involved with kids of any woman I am seeing for at least a month. It would just not be fair for children to have a stranger come into the picture, unless we were serious about things. As for your ex, you should not let it consume you. I know you're a good person, and I am sure you have tons of support to help you through your fears. I know you are a strong person, and can get through it. I believe in you:) I regret coming on too strong, as I would never intentionally want to make you feel uncomfortable. Just go at a pace that you feel safe at. I understand. There is no rush:)" ----- I tried my best at sounding reassuring, and not overbearing or over emotional. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 You're welcome. If you said all that to her instead of texting it, I'd think you were almost perfect. Well done anyway. 1
Woop1337 Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 In my opinion your response was useless. Because she already rejected you in her first message. She was just letting you down easy. You blew it by smothering her. Which reminded her of her ex. 1
OpheliaSong Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Let her come to you now. You have given her a nice reply and now she should come to you or she may feel pressured. She is obviously not over the stalking situation with her ex and you won't learn anything over social media. Stalkers know how to cover their tracks so take her at her word until she does something to prove that she is telling fibs about it. I wonder if she was trying to let you down easy without hurting you by blaming her ex.
Author LovesickAlberta Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 I feel so sad now. The weird thing is I acted completely opposite of myself, as she initially messaged me that she wanted to meet and had feelings for me back in the day when we knew each other. I have not been in such a dramatic/emotional exchange of messages in recent memory. Usually I do not let my feelings be known, and never rush to respond to someone, especially on the internet. Are you sure this is a polite way of saying that she is not at all interested? She mentions being on the fence between either going out with me, or being afraid. I am going to give her as much time as she needs, but I have never let myself get so emotionally involved in a potential relationship....perhaps ever. I just hope she messages or contacts me in the next couple of weeks.
TylerDurdenn Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 She doesn't sound too stable anyway, dodged a bullet maybe? No offence intended, just my opinion.
Babolat Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I feel so sad now. The weird thing is I acted completely opposite of myself, as she initially messaged me that she wanted to meet and had feelings for me back in the day when we knew each other. I have not been in such a dramatic/emotional exchange of messages in recent memory. Usually I do not let my feelings be known, and never rush to respond to someone, especially on the internet. Are you sure this is a polite way of saying that she is not at all interested? She mentions being on the fence between either going out with me, or being afraid. I am going to give her as much time as she needs, but I have never let myself get so emotionally involved in a potential relationship....perhaps ever. I just hope she messages or contacts me in the next couple of weeks. Wait, you have not even met this woman yet?
MrMeh Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 "but I have never let myself get so emotionally involved in a potential relationship....perhaps ever." It understandable considering you obviously are infatuated with her. I think giving her time and letting her initiate contact would be the safest way in making sure she is comfortable.
Author LovesickAlberta Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 Wait, you have not even met this woman yet? We met a few years ago, at an employment place she was a worker, and I was a client, as I was new to town. For 2 1/2 months, we were pretty much inseparable at her workplace, and we began to open up to each other, which is not normal procedure. It was like we were on the same wavelength all the time. At the time, I noticed that she would flirt with me, and when she saw me, she would always invite me to the office when she was working to talk, and it was usually a two way relationship, as I would listen to her problems just as much as she would to mine. So when she originally told me she had a big crush on me, and she wanted to meet right away (I was away for a few days), I thought of the past, and realized I had feelings for her. However, it just seems weird she would say all this right off the bat, and get into her ex bf the first time we chatted. It created a month long exchange of messages, and the only way i seemed to get her attention was by being dramatic, and telling her how I felt too quickly, since she did not seem interested in everyday talk, but would always reply to the drama. In hindsight, I feel like a fool, as I should ahve just waited more patiently, as I normally do. I just have not felt this way about any potential relationship perhaps ever.
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