when NC isn't an option

[psm04]

I am sure this has been discussed before, but wanted to ask. Anyone out there who works with their xAP or is around them on a regular basis and is successful about not being inappropriate or starting the A? What do you do when NC isn't an option? We have tried it before, and it just did not work. I don't want for us to be hostile. We ended things amicably, but the issue is that the cycle repeated a few times. I don't want it to repeat again. I've told him that we need to give 100% at home in our Ms. I can't curse him out or ignore him if he IMs me. I just want to hear from people on how they are handling things while seeing their xAP at least once a week at the office, and having IM access to them. Where do you draw the line? We already do not talk outside of work unless it is at a work thing, which happens rarely.

 

For those of you contemplating having an A with their co worker, don't do it! It is one of the worst options in an already bad situation.

[Goodbye]

I am sure this has been discussed before, but wanted to ask. Anyone out there who works with their xAP or is around them on a regular basis and is successful about not being inappropriate or starting the A? What do you do when NC isn't an option? We have tried it before, and it just did not work. I don't want for us to be hostile. We ended things amicably, but the issue is that the cycle repeated a few times. I don't want it to repeat again. I've told him that we need to give 100% at home in our Ms. I can't curse him out or ignore him if he IMs me. I just want to hear from people on how they are handling things while seeing their xAP at least once a week at the office, and having IM access to them. Where do you draw the line? We already do not talk outside of work unless it is at a work thing, which happens rarely.

 

For those of you contemplating having an A with their co worker, don't do it! It is one of the worst options in an already bad situation.

 

 

I understand that you can't ignore him if you are in a business meeting together, but I don't understand why you cannot ignore IM's sent by him. I'm assuming the IM's are not business related if they are making you want to curse him out. I'd suggest you teach yourself to ignore anything and everything that is not office appropriate and work on your own mind. He'll get tired of you not responding and give up.

[Wambo]

No doubt it's a difficult situation and it took me a whole year to get to the stage where I am now. Five weeks of NC which thankfully I'm over the worst of it and will get easier as time progress. Doesn't mean I'm no longer effected by the affair because I always feel the pull towards her.

The best advice I can give is try to discipline yourself and take steps to aviod encounters with him. It normally doesn't work but it send a strong message you want to move on and overtime he will get exhusted trying to restart the affair. By avioding him it will also less likely for him to give into his own temptation and allow him to 'heal'. However like I said it took me a whole year to get to this stage and five weeks ago I had to ignore her advances she made towards me out of the blue. Now it look like it's truly over and I can move on. I'm NOT happy with my outcome and I don't take any pride treating someone who was once a great friend like she's a piece of sh*t.

The only other option other than to emotionally wear him down untill he give up, is to leave your job. I almost handed in my notice because at time I found it unbearable and at some point I did believe I would never have NC while we both work in the same building.

 

For those of you contemplating having an A with their co worker, don't do it! It is one of the worst options in an already bad situation.

 

I couldn't agree more, especially if you have a good friendship with the co worker.

[psm04]

I understand that you can't ignore him if you are in a business meeting together, but I don't understand why you cannot ignore IM's sent by him. I'm assuming the IM's are not business related if they are making you want to curse him out. I'd suggest you teach yourself to ignore anything and everything that is not office appropriate and work on your own mind. He'll get tired of you not responding and give up.

 

Well, they don't make me want to curse him. I just meant that if he were to IM me, I cannot be mean. And I can't be mad because I'm also married. So we have both played the game. I'm just not going to live in two worlds anymore. Currently, my responses are short and to the point. And I don't entertain things that go into the EA realm. So I'm hoping that he'll get that I'm truly serious this time, and move on. I'm just taking it every day at a time. We talked today, but I consider it a successful day because I never initiated anything, and nothing inappropriate came up.

[psm04]

The best advice I can give is try to discipline yourself and take steps to aviod encounters with him. It normally doesn't work but it send a strong message you want to move on and overtime he will get exhusted trying to restart the affair. By avioding him it will also less likely for him to give into his own temptation and allow him to 'heal'. However like I said it took me a whole year to get to this stage and five weeks ago I had to ignore her advances she made towards me out of the blue. Now it look like it's truly over and I can move on. I'm NOT happy with my outcome and I don't take any pride treating someone who was once a great friend like she's a piece of sh*t.

The only other option other than to emotionally wear him down untill he give up, is to leave your job. I almost handed in my notice because at time I found it unbearable and at some point I did believe I would never have NC while we both work in the same building.

(

I've been avoiding him as much as I can. I try to work from home more often these days. Wow, one year. I guess I have to be patient. The cycle has repeated so many times for us. I'm at the point where I know that we'll never have our final say. We'll never be able to say 'ok, we have said everything we needed to say'. But there is no point in talking. I want to do what's right. It's exhausting to live in two worlds. Right now, I guess I still am because of the thoughts in my head, but at least I'm not acting on them.

 

I can't even be myself around him anymore. And the whole 'being friends' thing is a lost cause and complete bull. You can't stay friends with someone you're in love with while one or both are committed to someone else. He brings up the friend thing, and I have told him that we are not friends and never were. The friendship was all part of the A. I can't be his friend. If I had a death in the family and I found out about it at 2:00 pm on a Saturday and wanted to call him, I wouldn't be able to. So, he's not a friend.

[sweet_pea]

So why do you answer IM's if they have nothing to do with work?

[psm04]

So why do you answer IM's if they have nothing to do with work?

 

The way I think about it is that if he says hi at work, i'll say hi back. If anyone else did that, I'd do the same. I know it doesn't make any sense, but forced NC did not work either. If one of us quit our jobs, then I'm sure I'll go NC, but until then, I have to have an amicable professional relationship with him.

[anne1707]

I still work with the exOM 5 years after dday and with no re-start of the affair.

 

Not only must you not talk to him outside of work, any contact in work must only be work related. No chit chat about "what did you do at the weekend", "did you have a nice holiday" etc. These might be the kind of things you say to other colleagues but you cannot do thid with him. Work and only work. You can still be professional and polite, but nothing more than that. Any hint of personal talk and you close it down.

 

It is not always easy at the start but it works if you stick to it.

[whichwayisup]

I am sure this has been discussed before, but wanted to ask. Anyone out there who works with their xAP or is around them on a regular basis and is successful about not being inappropriate or starting the A? What do you do when NC isn't an option? We have tried it before, and it just did not work. I don't want for us to be hostile. We ended things amicably, but the issue is that the cycle repeated a few times. I don't want it to repeat again. I've told him that we need to give 100% at home in our Ms. I can't curse him out or ignore him if he IMs me. I just want to hear from people on how they are handling things while seeing their xAP at least once a week at the office, and having IM access to them. Where do you draw the line? We already do not talk outside of work unless it is at a work thing, which happens rarely.

 

For those of you contemplating having an A with their co worker, don't do it! It is one of the worst options in an already bad situation.

 

The only thing you two must agree on is being totally professional with one another and ONLY speak to, email to, IM with when it comes to work related issues. No personal chit chat. no asking how was your weekend, etc..etc.. it can work. I'm sure it's really hard to see the person you used to have an A with near by, but keep as busy as you can and fake it until it doesn't matter at all anymore. Other option is, for those who just can't cope with working with an xAP is, ask for a transfer or start looking for another job.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Anne - I am totally amazed and my hat is off to you. You are an example of how it can be done. Kudos!

[Popsicle]

Anne - I am totally amazed and my hat is off to you. You are an example of how it can be done. Kudos!

 

Yes!

 

What a difficult situation.

[Artie Lang]

if you're having this much trouble keeping it short & simple, without finding yourselves smack back in the affair, you really need a change in scenery(job).

 

at some point, either one of you need to cut the bullsh*t if you can't keep your hands to yourselves and move on permanently.

 

this is one of those situations where one of you possibly must go.

[psm04]

I still work with the exOM 5 years after dday and with no re-start of the affair.

 

Not only must you not talk to him outside of work, any contact in work must only be work related. No chit chat about "what did you do at the weekend", "did you have a nice holiday" etc. These might be the kind of things you say to other colleagues but you cannot do thid with him. Work and only work. You can still be professional and polite, but nothing more than that. Any hint of personal talk and you close it down.

 

It is not always easy at the start but it works if you stick to it.

 

Did you have to be stern to him at first? What did it take for him to realize that you were serious about not wanting to continue the A in any capacity? I mean, when someone says hi how was your day, what do you say? I'm not sure how to 'close it down' without being mean, and I don't want to be hostile. There was a point a few months ago where all the frustration was making us be really mean to each other, and it was terrible. Professionalism was thrown out the window.

 

I hope to be where you are at one day.

[psm04]

if you're having this much trouble keeping it short & simple, without finding yourselves smack back in the affair, you really need a change in scenery(job).

 

at some point, either one of you need to cut the bullsh*t if you can't keep your hands to yourselves and move on permanently.

 

this is one of those situations where one of you possibly must go.

 

Thank you for being candid. If things just won't stop, I might have to look for another job, which sucks.

[Wambo]

The way I think about it is that if he says hi at work, i'll say hi back. If anyone else did that, I'd do the same. I know it doesn't make any sense, but forced NC did not work either. If one of us quit our jobs, then I'm sure I'll go NC, but until then, I have to have an amicable professional relationship with him.

 

 

And this is why it took me a year to achieve full NC. If you get a chance to leave then please do because from the sounds of it he got you on his lease and isn't prepared to let you go. The only other alternative which I did was to dwindle contact between you two and get the message to him the affair is over.

[ClemsonTigers]

Does your husband know about the affair?

 

 

Anne may have recovered, for the most part, while still working with OM but I don't think she'd recommend it. I, personally, believe a complete recovery is impossible without "no contact". No contact is the only way to guarantee success and enable you to withdraw from your mistaken inappropriate feelings of love for the guy. Every glance and every IM keeps you engaged in the relationship to some extent whether it's a positive or negative interaction. So even if it could be done, why not just find another job.

 

If this is a secret from your husband AND you're continuing to work with OM….that is a recipe for divorce.

 

 

~another suggestion - if OM is married…expose to his wife, he'll stop bothering you pretty quick and likely be forced by his wife to quit his job, enabling you to keep yours. win ~ win!!!!

[anne1707]

Did you have to be stern to him at first? What did it take for him to realize that you were serious about not wanting to continue the A in any capacity? I mean, when someone says hi how was your day, what do you say? I'm not sure how to 'close it down' without being mean, and I don't want to be hostile. There was a point a few months ago where all the frustration was making us be really mean to each other, and it was terrible. Professionalism was thrown out the window.

 

I hope to be where you are at one day.

 

 

My circumstances for the affair ending were different to your's but the principles of NC can still be applied. You just have to back away from it all. If you want, tell him that you are going to do NC - not something I think always needs to be done but a key thing you need to think of is not making the atmosphere between you so tense and awkward that colleagues are getting uncomfortable with it all. You need to keep work professional in all areas after all.

 

You don't have to be hostile - the point is that you actually don't react one way or another to his attempts at contact. Hostility indicates an emotional reaction. You need to be neutral.

 

 

 

Anne may have recovered, for the most part

 

Eh? Do you know something I don't?

 

 

while still working with OM but I don't think she'd recommend it.

 

Of course I would not recommend it. Recovery would have been easier and quicker without that contact. But I do know it can happen when NC is not 100% possible.

 

 

I, personally, believe a complete recovery is impossible without "no contact".

 

Your opinion. But I know from actual experience that recovery IS possible.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Did you have to be stern to him at first? What did it take for him to realize that you were serious about not wanting to continue the A in any capacity? I mean, when someone says hi how was your day, what do you say? I'm not sure how to 'close it down' without being mean, and I don't want to be hostile. There was a point a few months ago where all the frustration was making us be really mean to each other, and it was terrible. Professionalism was thrown out the window.

 

I hope to be where you are at one day.

 

Choosing not to engage in chit chat is not being mean. One does not need to be hostile either.

 

I find people who have difficulties in having and ENFORCING boundaries worry too much what the other person might feel/think. They sacrifice their own well being...to hold onto "I'm a nice person". Having boundaries and enforcing them are not being mean to the other person...it is self advocating.

 

If your stated boundary is only work related talk, then don't engage either way if he goes outside of it. If it continues, then an email, that if it continues you will have to go to HR to have the issue addressed. No need to chastise or explain yourself. Just, if you do X then I will do Y.

[JustJoe]

Did you have to be stern to him at first? What did it take for him to realize that you were serious about not wanting to continue the A in any capacity? I mean, when someone says hi how was your day, what do you say? I'm not sure how to 'close it down' without being mean, and I don't want to be hostile. There was a point a few months ago where all the frustration was making us be really mean to each other, and it was terrible. Professionalism was thrown out the window.

 

I hope to be where you are at one day.

What don't you get? If the text or IM or message isn't work related, you ignore it and don't answer. You don't have to be mean, you simply don't respond. Strictly business, means just that STRICTLY BUSINESS. No personal chit-chat whatsoever, not even greetings.

 

So, OP, do both betrayed spouses know about the affair?

Edited December 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[psm04]

AlwaysGrowing, what you said about enforcing boundaries and the difficulties that some people have with it is something that I've struggled with all my life. Even before the A. I've realized that it's ok to not be nice all the time for everyone else's sake, and I'm working on not always thinking of other people. Yes, I do realize that when it came to the A, I didn't consider my H's feelings, in case anyone is going to come back with that.

 

ClemsonTigers, I have zero intention of letting his wife know. That's not my issue. He has to deal with it.

 

JustJoe, my H knows that I had an inappropriate relationship with him, but he doesn't know that anything physical happened (we never had sex, but there was enough physical interaction for it to be wrong anyway). I've been telling my H that I'm trying to break out of this. My H has been incredibly nice about it. As far as xAP's wife, I'm 100% certain that she doesn't know, although I've never asked him.

 

He started talking to me at work today, and I had to tell him that I couldn't do it. I can't turn around and act like we are buddies. We can never be friends. He said he'll give me space. He has left me alone so far. I hope he continues to do that. If not, I'll have to be even sterner. I don't plan to hide somewhere because we work together, but I don't want to chat about our day, or even chat about work. There are other people that we could talk to even about work stuff. I'm taking this one day at a time. It is hard. I do get what everyone here is saying, but it is hard. Hard for me anyway. Thanks for all the advice.

[Realist3]

No contact is a very simpleton view/approach to a very real situation.

 

You have an established relationship. End it as adults. Adults just don't simply walk away. They find a closure between themselves and what they experienced. If it is no longer working discuss that. "No contact" means our attraction is too great that if we talked to each other we could not control ourselves because we like each other too much. NC is a bunch of BS.

[anne1707]

No contact is a very simpleton view/approach to a very real situation.

 

You have an established relationship. End it as adults. Adults just don't simply walk away. They find a closure between themselves and what they experienced. If it is no longer working discuss that. "No contact" means our attraction is too great that if we talked to each other we could not control ourselves because we like each other too much. NC is a bunch of BS.

 

"Closure" is just an excuse for hanging on when things are over. It is romanticising, sentimental and achieves nothing in the end. Regaining self-control through NC however is moving on and finding real closure.

[AlwaysGrowing]

psm...I think that where some get hung up on boundary enforcing..is that they view it as "not nice". It simply isn't "not nice". It is self advocating, nothing nefarious about it.

 

Once, you (general) can understand that it is not being disrespectful in the slightest, it is having enough self-respect to tell the other person that they are stepping on your toes, and informing them that you want it to stop. Self advocating.

[AlwaysGrowing]

No contact is a very simpleton view/approach to a very real situation.

 

You have an established relationship. End it as adults. Adults just don't simply walk away. They find a closure between themselves and what they experienced. If it is no longer working discuss that. "No contact" means our attraction is too great that if we talked to each other we could not control ourselves because we like each other too much. NC is a bunch of BS.

 

And sometimes NC means...get the f outta my life. No discussion is necessary.

 

Believe me, NC most certainly did not mean "our attraction is too great that if we talked...blah, blah,blah, we like each other too much" for me.

 

It meant, you are no longer relevant in my life.

 

And his "right" to closure ends where mine begin. And mine began with NC.

[Lemon drops]

I am nowhere near being able to share my lengthy story, but reading all of your responses on this has been extremely helpful tonight. MOM and I work together very closely. There is no possible way for NC at this time. I plan on leaving as soon as I possibly can, but am trying to go as LC as possible for now. I have been feeling very disheartened about it in general as I can't seem to escape him, and I'm still struggling with whether or not I want to.