thegreatunknown Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Hi all that may be willing to listen and maybe even help me out. I apologize, for this will be long, but I need to let it all out and hopefully gain some insight from you all. I started dating this amazing girl 3 years ago. We fell for each other instantly, it was crazy. For about two years, it was great, we travelled together, learned so much about each other, her family accepted me, we were working on our degrees and helping each other out. However, as time progressed and stress increased (finishing dissertations, her getting a very stressful job with tight deadlines), a year ago she started withdrawing from sex and started getting more and more tense. Six months ago, she broke up with me and it lasted a night - and in the morning, she admitted that she was severely depressed, that she has been battling depression for a decade and that it has gotten really bad, to the point where she was not enjoying anything she used to and everything seemed like a chore. She was also unhappy with her career choice that seemed permanent and "was avoiding the real problem and pushing me away instead of dealing with it". We made up, but the stress levels were still very high over the summer, and her depression was all but diminishing. She clammed up and constantly seemed like a ticking bomb that was ready to implode, rather than explode. Our sex life was nonexistant, she even admitted that she thought she may be asexual, to which I suggested that it may be linked with her depression. She was not interested in any remedies or professional help of any kind, however. This August I got a new job that was keeping me busy on the other end of the city seven days a week and she had ridiculous deadlines herself, so planning any time for us to spend together was very challenging. It was not helping that I had three very important exams to study for. In the midst of it, she avoided meeting me for about ten days, and when I insisted that I see her, she said it was not working and broke up with me. She said that it was not working, that she no longer felt anything, that she was pretending throughout the entire summer and she even asked me "to not contact her until I was over her". I was heartbroken, but I decided to honor it. A couple of days later, she wished me luck with my exam, then I left the country and she wished me a safe trip, and upon my return, she started contacting me again on a daily basis. She would even invite me for lunch after some classes that we shared and she even walked home with me. This, of course, got my hopes up. But when I asked her why she was contacting me again, she again clammed up, insisted that she "did not realize she was contacting me so often" and reiterated that she does not want to get back together because "she would just resent me". We spoke again a week after that, and she admitted that her depression was worse than ever, that she was struggling to do anything that involved other people, that she no longer felt anything about anything, everything was flat. For bonus points, she now thinks that she is "much straighter than she previously thought" and she admitted that this was her first real relationship. She said that she is not able to function in a relationship with anyone right now and she could not understand why anyone would like her. She even admitted that she started cutting, and did not want to tell me because she knew I'd disapprove. On top of it all, she is refusing any kind of professional help. This was a week ago and we haven't spoken since. I am terrified because I have never been in a situation like this before. I am in a really bad place myself because I thought that we really had something special. I want to help her, but she has pushed me away. It is not helping in the slightest that I can't figure out which of these things (her lack of feelings for me, her sexuality doubts) are caused or at least compounded by her depression, and which are separate issues that have nothing to do with depression. I love this girl and I want a chance for us to live through her depression and grow stronger from it, but I just can't decide if this is a lost cause or something worth the fight. I've never been in a situation like this and I just feel overpowered. Any advice will be much appreciated. Thank you in advance.
Philosoraptor Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 She's got issues, simple as that. She needs professional help before she will ever be able to function in a healthy relationship. This is a lost cause. Not only has she said she doesn't want to be with you and getting back with you would just cause resentment, but she's not even sure she likes girls anymore. Right now she's using you as an emotional prop in order to deal with her own issues. I'd text her "It is my opinion that you need to seek professional counseling to deal with your sexuality issues and your depression. I understand that you do not want to be with me and I accept that, please do not contact me. Good luck in the future." 1
Never Again Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I am terrified because I have never been in a situation like this before. I am in a really bad place myself because I thought that we really had something special. I want to help her, but she has pushed me away. It is not helping in the slightest that I can't figure out which of these things (her lack of feelings for me, her sexuality doubts) are caused or at least compounded by her depression, and which are separate issues that have nothing to do with depression. I love this girl and I want a chance for us to live through her depression and grow stronger from it, but I just can't decide if this is a lost cause or something worth the fight. I've never been in a situation like this and I just feel overpowered. Any advice will be much appreciated. Thank you in advance. As someone who was also dumped when stress got high, and was also given reasons of "faded feelings" and "sexuality doubts", I can tell you that Philosoraptor is right - this is a lost cause. She may come around someday after she deals with her issues, but she can only do that on her own...and you cannot put yourself in a position where you wait on a slim "maybe". She is definitely using you as a crutch and is hurting you tremendously in the process. You need to walk away for your own health.
Recommended Posts