ex cheated on new girlfriend with me

[my body is a cage]

So, my ex and I broke up last February. We also lived about 4 hours away, his son was about to move to a different state with the babymama. He said he was distraught and not ready to be in a relationship. He lead me on then told me he no longer wanted to have sex because he was afraid of intimacy, then I found him talking to other girls online.

 

I was devastated and felt totally unattractive and rejected. He wanted to stay friends and even asked me to move closer to his son with him, and I told him not to contact me, and we didn't speak for a couple of months. I moved to a different state on a work project and casually dated someone else. My ex reached out to me and eventually we started talking and skyping again. He would tell me that he loved me, etc.

 

Late August he told me he had started seeing a new girl, and I was extremely upset because he had said he was breaking up with me because he did not want to be in a relationship. We fought and didn't speak for a while.

 

We reconnected a bit later, and I realized his new "girlfriend" is a 38 yr old (he is 28) and supporting him totally. He has trouble keeping a job, and he is living with her and has no where else to stay. He said she is insanely jealous, and does not want him talking to me in any capacity.

 

In mid October, the gf went on a vacation and didn't bring him along. We had been talking now and then , and he had been mentioning how he wanted to visit me (we are now living about 5 hrs away again). I said it was probably not a good idea, and that he shouldn't do it if he had to lie about it to his girlfriend, but he insisted and I did miss him alot so I eventually relented and let him come.

 

When my ex came to visit, he spoke poorly of his gf and how crazy she was. Before he arrived he had insisted that he was not going to cheat, but lo and behold when he visited he initiated sex and we slept together. Maybe this is because of my own self esteem issues, but because of the way we broke up I had felt he was totally unnattracted to me and that he really did not have any sexual interest in me. Although I knew sleeping with him was wrong, I felt resentful towards his new girlfriend for refusing to let him speak with me and also have trouble respecting her because she is so willing to support him when he offers her so little in return.

 

So, of course, after his visit he went back to live with the gf. We didn't speak for a couple of weeks, and then we talked on Thanksgiving. He said he had told her that he had seen me when she was gone, and that she was wildly jealous again. He said she had been making her insecure by flirting with other guys, etc. He also said he can't risk talking to me, because he has nothing and is worried she is going to kick him out in the middle of winter if she finds out. He said that he was not thinking when he cheated, and admitted that I had tried to prevent it. He told me he cares about me and loves me, but I'm not sure he cares about or loves anyone. He also dimished our relationship implying that it wasn't THAT serious (although he said it was when we were together) and said he "disrespected me left and right." That hurt.

 

So, when I'm writing this I realize how crazy it sounds that I care about a person like this. Our relationship really doesn't sound like anything to write home about, and my ex obviously takes advantage of other people all of the time. The fact that he has a sugarmamma is remarkable, but he seems to like her / value her more than me and that really hurts. I am also appalled that he is capable of being so deceitful - as much as I love him, I don't know if I could ever trust him again.

 

Despite our lackluster history, I truly miss our connection and having him around. I miss having him as a companion, and in retrospect I feel as though he might have felt the same way, but realized he did not want to be with me at all when he came to see me. I feel like I disappointed him, and he realized he was much better off with his sugarmamma who is 15 yrs older than me, etc. He might even have lost respect for me for being so accommodating towards him.

 

Also, I feel like this was closure for him, while I was beginning to get over him and he reopened the wound for me (I think he may have sensed me slipping away, which might have prompted him insisting on seeing me). While he used to insist that we remain friends, he now effectively told me we can't speak anymore because he has moved on and his new gf is more important.

 

So, basically, even though he sounds horrible on paper I miss him and cannot get over him but he is over me. I have been obsessing about him since he came to visit. I wonder if he will ever value me again, or if he ever did, or if I mean nothing to him now. I wonder what he sees in his current gf that he didn't see in me. I feel ugly, worthless, and unwantable, no one would want me... not even myself of someone with as many issues as my ex.

 

I guess, my questions are: how can I move on from the pain of him cutting off contact? I feel as though he totally used me. How can I stop thinking about him, comparing myself with the new girlfriend, and wondering if/ when they will break up? Should I tell him to screw himself and tell his ex gf (whom he lied to about being physical with me) or would that only result in a shoot the messenger situation? Why can't I get over this person who hasn't done anything good for me in a while? Will he ever come back and want / value me again?

[rockerton]

Do new things and try and live an exciting fun life. Would you rather be having fun and worry free or worry about some 28 year old who doesn't seem to have it together and living with 43 year old woman. If he broke up with you then its over, theres no turning back from that no matter what anyone says. You need to realise that and close the book on your old life and start a new exciting life. Also block him on facebook, and ignore his email and calls. Then you wont have to worry if hell contact you or not. You definitely deserve better than this guy, don't be his sideline girl. hope this helps

Edited December 3, 2013 by rockerton

[rockerton]

Out of all honesty i think the real question you should be asking here is, what are fun hobbies or activities to do. This is most likely the question your going to be asking yourself in a couple months when your tired of thinking of that guy. Do new things and try and live an exciting fun life. Would you rather be having fun and worry free or worry about some 28 year old who doesnt seem to have it together and living with 43 year old woman. If he broke up with you then its over, theres no turning back from that no matter what anyone says. You need to realise that and close the book on your old life and start a new exciting life. Also block him on facebook, and ignore his email and calls. Then you wont have to worry if hell contact you or not. (sorry if i didn't really answer your question) xD

[my body is a cage]

Do new things and try and live an exciting fun life. Would you rather be having fun and worry free or worry about some 28 year old who doesn't seem to have it together and living with 43 year old woman. If he broke up with you then its over, theres no turning back from that no matter what anyone says. You need to realise that and close the book on your old life and start a new exciting life. Also block him on facebook, and ignore his email and calls. Then you wont have to worry if hell contact you or not. You definitely deserve better than this guy, don't be his sideline girl. hope this helps

 

Thank you for your reply rockerton, and thank you for not chastising me for enabling his cheating. Although I'm not sure if a couple breaking up always means its totally over, but you're right that in this case it should / may as well be. I am still thinking of him as though we are in a relationship in some ways, which is not productive. Especially when he has not treated me well.

 

I need to stop ruminating about why he rejected me and his new relationship. I have blocked him on Facebook , etc. The problem is that I feel so depressed and incompetent that I'm not excited about anything in my life. I feel so unlovable and unworthy. I am in treatment but its not helping - don't know how to change this.

[rockerton]

Thank you for your reply rockerton, and thank you for not chastising me for enabling his cheating. Although I'm not sure if a couple breaking up always means its totally over, but you're right that in this case it should / may as well be. I am still thinking of him as though we are in a relationship in some ways, which is not productive. Especially when he has not treated me well.

 

I need to stop ruminating about why he rejected me and his new relationship. I have blocked him on Facebook , etc. The problem is that I feel so depressed and incompetent that I'm not excited about anything in my life. I feel so unlovable and unworthy. I am in treatment but its not helping - don't know how to change this.

 

no problem lol, i know the feeling of being rejected/ignored by someone i once had feelings for too. Infact im still getting over it lol. You just have to think positive . Theres more to life than relationships and the likes. I know you probably feel unworthy or unlovable but you need to understand that you really did nothing wrong, he screwed up and he's the one who's unworthy. Remember that people do love you, your family, friends and the people on this site. A new better guy will come when you least expect it.

It seems like you miss having that guy loving you than you do him.

It takes time to get over this type of thing, once you forget, and stop thinking about him the depression and feelings of loneliness fade away on their own.

[Salvatore85]

Maybe I'm crazy but why is it his fault that you guys had sex while he was in a relationship with someone else? I mean you make it seem like you were completely powerless and just couldn't say no.

 

I'm not judging you nor do I think you're a bad person, just seems odd to me is all...

[rockerton]

Thank you for your reply rockerton, and thank you for not chastising me for enabling his cheating. Although I'm not sure if a couple breaking up always means its totally over, but you're right that in this case it should / may as well be. I am still thinking of him as though we are in a relationship in some ways, which is not productive. Especially when he has not treated me well.

 

I need to stop ruminating about why he rejected me and his new relationship. I have blocked him on Facebook , etc. The problem is that I feel so depressed and incompetent that I'm not excited about anything in my life. I feel so unlovable and unworthy. I am in treatment but its not helping - don't know how to change this.

Join random forums and make friends on them if your ever feeling down, then you'll never feel alone I do that and it helps a lot xD

[my body is a cage]

Maybe I'm crazy but why is it his fault that you guys had sex while he was in a relationship with someone else? I mean you make it seem like you were completely powerless and just couldn't say no.

 

Salvatore, it is not only his fault. It is both of our faults. The only difference is he is the one with a relationship to uphold and he is the one who initiated / insisted on coming to see me. Still, I could have said no and I didn't, and I take full responsibility for this. It was hard to say no to him because I love him, but this does not absolve me on my role of this. If I phrased the title or the thread to make it seem as though I was solely blaming him, that was not my intention.

 

Rockertron, I do miss having him love me but I miss our relationship and him. Both him and his new girlfriend changed their profile pics to couple pics, which is something he never did with me. I can't believe how little I mean now to him, and how deceptive and manipulative he can be.

 

I know this is going to come off as totally immature, but... I want their relationship to END END END. It's not fair. He is 28 yrs old, has a child and no real job, and is living with a 38 yr old woman who blindly supports him. He is not even faithful to her (again, I take responsibility for this as well) and said awful things about her. Did he say those awful things about me? Did he cheat on me too? Did he ever love or value me?

 

I don't believe that the right guy will come along. I thought my ex was a great person. He left me, made me feel totally unattractive and rejected, strung me along and then used me and left me again. And it was my fault. Now, he is in a relationship with a woman who is totally obsessed with him to the point of fully supporting him, and I can't find anyone who wants to date me.

[rockerton]

Salvatore, it is not only his fault. It is both of our faults. The only difference is he is the one with a relationship to uphold and he is the one who initiated / insisted on coming to see me. Still, I could have said no and I didn't, and I take full responsibility for this. It was hard to say no to him because I love him, but this does not absolve me on my role of this. If I phrased the title or the thread to make it seem as though I was solely blaming him, that was not my intention.

 

Rockertron, I do miss having him love me but I miss our relationship and him. Both him and his new girlfriend changed their profile pics to couple pics, which is something he never did with me. I can't believe how little I mean now to him, and how deceptive and manipulative he can be.

 

I know this is going to come off as totally immature, but... I want their relationship to END END END. It's not fair. He is 28 yrs old, has a child and no real job, and is living with a 38 yr old woman who blindly supports him. He is not even faithful to her (again, I take responsibility for this as well) and said awful things about her. Did he say those awful things about me? Did he cheat on me too? Did he ever love or value me?

 

I don't believe that the right guy will come along. I thought my ex was a great person. He left me, made me feel totally unattractive and rejected, strung me along and then used me and left me again. And it was my fault. Now, he is in a relationship with a woman who is totally obsessed with him to the point of fully supporting him, and I can't find anyone who wants to date me.

 

well, the only thing you can do is move on and and forget about the past. He moved on and now its time for you to move on. If he wanted to be with you he would be with you right? Worrying about the past and the future with him is pointless. You need to worry about making your self happy and getting over him. You said all there was to say and did all there was to do, you need to realize theres nothing left to do with him v.v You need to be happy being alone before you can really date. simple stuff

I thought my ex was a great person. He left me, made me feel totally unattractive and rejected, strung me along and then used me and left me again.

doesnt sound like a great person

Edited December 4, 2013 by rockerton

[my body is a cage]

simple stuff

 

Rockerton, thanks for your advice on my thread. You're right, it is simple, I overcomplicate it. I get stuck on overanalyzing WHY. We are not together, I need to move on.

 

Re him being a good person: no, he does not sound like a good person. But how does one gage how good a person is if s/he is generally generous and kind to others but sometimes acts selfish, manipulative and cruel? Is anyone a good person?

[rockerton]

Rockerton, thanks for your advice on my thread. You're right, it is simple, I overcomplicate it. I get stuck on overanalyzing WHY. We are not together, I need to move on.

 

Re him being a good person: no, he does not sound like a good person. But how does one gage how good a person is if s/he is generally generous and kind to others but sometimes acts selfish, manipulative and cruel? Is anyone a good person?

 

No problem sometimes its best to just let go of the past no matter what happened and work on your own life. your lifes about you not him He'll get whats coming to him eventually. its nothing you can control though, its all about patience. I know how you feel lol, i have the same overanalyzing problem too. Sometimes you just have to make up your own answers if that makes sense.

 

clever clever I know what you mean though, I think a good person is neither good nor bad *mindblown* A good person is what your mind percieves as good. Though i don't think anyone can recognize a good person though, when someone does good it often goes unnoticed like someone holding the door open for you and such. Mabye theres no such thing as a good person but only good actions! :OO

aside from that tell me how it goes though, i hope you feel better

Edited December 5, 2013 by rockerton

[my body is a cage]

late night check in! as stated before thank you so much for your support via this thread rockerton.

 

so, ive been working a lot on my mental health lately (ominous opening). i have been struggling with depression and low self esteem, and have been doing group therapy to cope with it. also, i recently started a new medication, and i know not everyone supports medicating but i feel much more energetic, focused, content, and confident. so this is good. also, my emotions and mood swings are much less intense - something i've been grappling with.

 

lately, for the most part, when i start to think of the situation i think "oh, this is unpleasant to think about" and redirect my thoughts. i have been working hard on letting go, or letting be rather - i am no longer in a relationship with my ex, he is in a relationship with an older woman who financially supports him, and that is what is.

 

still, of course, i have moments when it intensely hurts. less frequently, but they are still there. i made the mistake of looking at his gf's facebook (now bocked) and there was a picture of them in front of a giant christmas tree wearing matching furry slippers. matching. furry. slippers. seriously?!

 

i am still struggling with intense feelings of shame - how could i let him treat me this way? how could i enable his cheating? be so ammoral? why do i not have more empathy for his girlfriend - i feel that he is clearly taking advantage of her, but that is no excuse for my behavior. although i know i should not be concerned with his opinion of my behavior, especially as his behavior has been less than savory, it still hurts me to think that he no longer thinks of me as having a "heart of gold." do i have a heart of gold? im starting to question it. i am worried he no longer respects me.

 

but then again, intellectually i understand, how can i know what he's thinking? as this medication has revealed to me - maybe most people, including him, don't struggle with very intense emotions and reactions on a daily basis (what a concept!). maybe, in fact, he is not very profound at all. i mean, he must not be, if he is able to sell himself to an older woman he claims not to hold in high esteem in exchange for money. it hurts me to think that he could actually be profoundly superficial - does this mean that his feelings towards me never ran deep in the first place? i'd like to think he cared, and that he does care, and that he maybe even thinks of me fondly. the maybe thinking of me fondly part is hard to believe, but its worth a try.

 

also, i just read back on some earlier threads, and realized how i have lost my sense of identity in the past couple of years. i used to know exactly what my interests were, who i was, what i wanted to do. now im stumped. i have been so distracted by my ex and his opinions that i have effaced myself. this is obviously a recipe for disaster in terms of finding someone compatible. i know i struggle with codependency, and have recently started going to codependency meetings and al anon meetings - i really need to rediscover who i am.

 

anyway, this update was sort of a debriefing of my emotions. i guess i am sort of making progress, even though im still suffering (and of my own accord, since pragmatically, this does not affect my present). ive gotten better at distraction, but im worried that this is not a long term solution. maybe it will eventually become second nature, practice makes perfect? i still have a long way to go with coping with feelings of extreme abandonment, but ultimately i think im doing better.

[KatZee]

I know this is going to come off as totally immature, but... I want their relationship to END END END. It's not fair. He is 28 yrs old, has a child and no real job, and is living with a 38 yr old woman who blindly supports him. He is not even faithful to her (again, I take responsibility for this as well) and said awful things about her. Did he say those awful things about me? Did he cheat on me too? Did he ever love or value me?

 

I'm going to respond as the woman in this situation who was cheated on by her boyfriend with his ex girlfriend.

 

My ex pulled this stunt with me. He wound up leaving his long term ex to be with me and I found out years later that when we had been together for at least 4 months, he was f.ucking his ex girlfriend behind my back.

 

His ex and I confronted each other and she too admitted that she didn't care about me that essentially she didn't care about our relationship if it ended or not. I guess she felt some sort of "ownership" over him even though they were no longer a couple.

 

I know that he was telling her things about me, not nice things... even though I was the best possible girlfriend to him. And I can tell you on the flip side, that he talked a lot of s.hit about his ex as well. So even though he was telling you bad things about his gf, I'm sure he's told his girlfriend not so nice things about YOU. Especially when she got "wildly jealous" I'm sure he said things to appease her, and not portray you in the best light.

 

Also, my ex cheated on me with his ex... and I know for a fact he cheated on his ex when they were together as well. So you wonder if yours ever cheated on you? I'd say probably. People don't just start cheating out of no where. It's a character flaw. You already see how he takes advantage of people, so I really wouldn't doubt it if he had betrayed you at some point.

 

You just need to move on. This guy is a user, he's no good and he doesn't treat people well. You need to stop being so involved in his current relationship. It's not up to you to help the relationship to end. She will eventually see it in time on her own, you don't have to meddle. Or maybe she knows who he is and she just doesn't care. Either way, it has nothing to do with you.

[my body is a cage]

Katzee, thank you for sharing your experience. I am sorry all of this happened to you, it sounds very painful.

 

His ex and I confronted each other and she too admitted that she didn't care about me that essentially she didn't care about our relationship if it ended or not. I guess she felt some sort of "ownership" over him even though they were no longer a couple.

 

Yea, guilty Sometimes I feel as though I should confess, but I know that it would probably just be do assuage my own remorse, cause problems in their relationship, etc. So I think it's best not to do anything at all, since it wouldn't be coming from the right place.

 

How did you end up in a confrontation with his ex?

 

 

I know that he was telling her things about me, not nice things... even though I was the best possible girlfriend to him. And I can tell you on the flip side, that he talked a lot of s.hit about his ex as well. So even though he was telling you bad things about his gf, I'm sure he's told his girlfriend not so nice things about YOU. Especially when she got "wildly jealous" I'm sure he said things to appease her, and not portray you in the best light.

 

Oh, I'm sure! No delusions about this, he's an ass.

 

You just need to move on. This guy is a user, he's no good and he doesn't treat people well. You need to stop being so involved in his current relationship. It's not up to you to help the relationship to end. She will eventually see it in time on her own, you don't have to meddle. Or maybe she knows who he is and she just doesn't care. Either way, it has nothing to do with you.

 

Ugh, I know. How recent was your situation? How did you move on?

 

It's hard for me to conceptualize that their relationship has nothing to do with me, or that his behavior has nothing to do with me. I feel like he chose her over me, so that is personal. I wish I could detach myself from this thought.

 

Anyway, thank you again for sharing. Sorry about your experience.

[KatZee]

How did you end up in a confrontation with his ex?

 

She actually wound up messaging me online. She messaged me after my ex actually confessed, so I already knew. She tried to one up me on something and I just let her have it, that I knew she had no respect and let her ex blatantly take advantage of her and use her and that at the end of the day, he still came back to me. I really wanted to make her feel as s.hitty as possible. I completely get your side of it, feeling like he left you for someone else, that you're not as good as this new person, and I really played with that emotion with her. I was not nice at all.

 

I was completely justified though because I didn't steal her man from her, I wasn't a home wrecker and I most certainly didn't hook up with him when he was with her. She didn't know the correct story and she took it upon herself to be spiteful and disgusting.

 

 

Ugh, I know. How recent was your situation? How did you move on?

 

My ex and I broke up a year and 7 months ago. So a long time ago. It probably took me 7 months to move on from that situation, I was angry for a really long time but I just went NC, blocked him everywhere, threw out all his crap, tossed a huge black garbage bag with all his stuff by his house, I gave back all the cards he ever gave me, all our photo albums, scrapbooks I had made, clothing he had given me, everything and anything that I had that was from him, or of us, got thrown right back in his face.

 

It was mainly me forgiving myself. For staying with him longer than I should have, for allowing him to treat me so poorly. There was way more wrong and toxic about the relationship beyond him sleeping with his ex, so there was TONS of anger.

[cavalier99]

She actually wound up messaging me online. She messaged me after my ex actually confessed, so I already knew. She tried to one up me on something and I just let her have it, that I knew she had no respect and let her ex blatantly take advantage of her and use her and that at the end of the day, he still came back to me. I really wanted to make her feel as s.hitty as possible. I completely get your side of it, feeling like he left you for someone else, that you're not as good as this new person, and I really played with that emotion with her. I was not nice at all.

 

I was completely justified though because I didn't steal her man from her, I wasn't a home wrecker and I most certainly didn't hook up with him when he was with her. She didn't know the correct story and she took it upon herself to be spiteful and disgusting.

 

i

 

My ex and I broke up a year and 7 months ago. So a long time ago. It probably took me 7 months to move on from that situation, I was angry for a really long time but I just went NC, blocked him everywhere, threw out all his crap, tossed a huge black garbage bag with all his stuff by his house, I gave back all the cards he ever gave me, all our photo albums, scrapbooks I had made, clothing he had given me, everything and anything that I had that was from him, or of us, got thrown right back in his face.

 

It was mainly me forgiving myself. For staying with him longer than I should have, for allowing him to treat me so poorly. There was way more wrong and toxic about the relationship beyond him sleeping with his ex, so there was TONS of anger.

 

Seems like 7 months NC is the magic number. How are you Katzee? Miss you. Are u in a new RS? Remeber this time last year when i was going out like crazy to dull the pain!! You said i needed atime out! haha Rock on! Cav

[rockerton]

how are you doing now that its a month later from that? your defin doin it right though. As time goes by the answers will be revealed. Youll figure out that you dont need anyone to be happy what so ever. Its best to put more energy in making yourself happy than dwelling on the past :bunny: