Sometimes breaking NC is what u need

[Kermit76]

I know this forum stresses not to break NC but I really think it helped me. Don't want to bore u with the details of my BU but lets just say I wad stunned when she dumped me after 2 rocky years of her indecisiveness. I went NC for 2 months and in my heart wanted to contact her. Others told me not to. Don't give her the power.... Blah blah. I did anyways and it was an awful text conversation. She was inpersonal, cold, didn't ask a single question about me. Was I hurt? Setback? Hell yeah. But in the last few days it has hit me that its over. I have no more hope. However, i know I tried to put my heart out there and know where I stand. Its time to move on. I accept she longer wants me in her life. So be it. Her loss. I will find someone else to treat me with respect and appreciate me. I was a great bf to her. No doubt I know that.

 

So, I encourage those who really need to break contact. Go with your heart but beware you may not get the answer your looking for. But hell at least u tried. And 20 years from now you won't have any regrets. Trust me. U will sleep better at night.

 

On a sids note LS has been a god send. The night I contacted my ex and went to a store feeling down in the dumps a woman passed me by and smiled. Walking behind her she turned around and smiled again. I said do i know u? She said I always smile at attractive men. Long story short I gave her my number and shs contacted me because she lost her drivers license. We have been texting and she has been short with texting breadcrumbs. Making excuses why she is busy on the weekends. Did it hurt my confidence? A little. Did it make me think of my ex? Yes. But I know my confidence is getting stronger because I said next time she texts me I'm ignoring her. I won't let anyone treat me like this. And if she is treating me like this in the texting stages I sure as hell don't want to find out what its like dating her. I deserve better and will find it.

 

Be well out there.

[Canadiangirl78]

I absolutely 100% agree with you. Sometimes the only cure for the question(s) you have about the possibility of reconciliation with your ex comes from contacting them. I believe that if there is any question in ones mind about whether or not the relationship can be salvaged then contacting your ex to gauge how they are feeling is really the only way. As you said, if you just let those questions fester you will never ever truly know. I am glad that you did what you thought was best and contacted her..now you know and now you can finally put it to rest. I wish you all the best my friend, it sounds like you are well on your way to bigger and better things!!

[Kermit76]

Also my ex had the nerve to say to me while she was breaking up with me that she could stay with me for a few more weeks because i was going thru a rough time in my life. Career, financial, confidence. I said I didn't want her pity package and i was stronger than she thought. Saying it and believing it are one thing. To move on validates that i am strong and will be just fine without her.

[reddragon588]

Yes, sometimes you have to, but only if it is the last resort. The goal is to not need to break it. But if you can't break the obsession, maybe you do need that final crushing result to break your final fantasies and snap you into reality.

 

It depends on the person. For me, I had to do it. But only as a last resort, and only after months of working on myself. I do not recommend it for everyone. You have to get to a point where you can handle it.

 

And again, it is preferable not to.

[Kermit76]

The dumpee is going to do what they want. Guarantee they may read posts on here for days but in the end they know if they're going to contact. I had so much advice but still had to do it. Now looking back I'm glad I did but I won't lie to u I was really hurt by her post BU actions. But it definitely has helped me move on. If I'm treated like a stranger from her to me that sealed the deal. Felt there was not much I could do. Sucks but it's the truth.

[Canadiangirl78]

All there is to do now is move forward..and you can do so with a clear heart and mind. I agree some situations call for absolute NC, but I also believe some people can't move on completely without contacting their ex as is the case here.

[Simon Phoenix]

Meh, I don't think there should be contact until you are healed. A lot of people get contact highs and say that they are ready to move forward, then remember something they "forgot to say" and go back into this cycle. Beware of that, because it very well might happen. Hopefully if and when it does you don't succumb to it.

[BC1980]

I broke NC after about 3 months. It was a terrible conversation, but it killed all my hope. In my case, it helped me accept the breakup. The truth is that I knew, in my heart, there was no hope. His actions (or inaction) showed that he didn't want to be with me, but I clung to this little grain of hope no matter how hard I tried to kill it.

 

Breaking NC worked, in this one instance, to help me move forward, but I wouldn't recommend it for everyone. In my instance, there were still unanswered questions, and I knew what he would say. It still hurt like hell to hear him say he doesn't want to be with me right now. I don't know. Maybe that final slap in the face woke me up.

 

Ideally, I should have gone NC from the start, but I did LC for about 4 months. My breakup was beyond messy, but it was my own fault.

[Am4Real]

I’m sorry for your pain and equally sorry for your experience.

 

From your writing you “broke NC after two months because your heart wanted to contact her”.

 

What exactly were you doing for those 8+ weeks? That’s a rhetorical question by the way because whatever you answer is irrelevant to my thoughts.

 

If you want to advise someone to break NC following a split, I’ll go with that in the first few days or maybe a week after the break up. After all there are many ways a break up can occur from a heated argument to a bad decision so let’s call the first few days or even a week “[highlight]the cooling off period[/highlight]”.

 

I accept reaching out during this brief period. It can let one know the break up stands as is or perhaps it can provide closure if the DUMPER participates, but one thing for sure, it should be the final contact you have so you can work on your healing.

 

However, waiting two months is torturous – and almost guaranteed futile if you’re the DUMPEE. I need not go on with the perils of such; there are plenty of wise words in many of the threads on this subject.

 

Only now to address the advice you’re giving regarding breaking NC do I strongly disagree with you and what small amount I can agree, comes during the short-lived cooling off period a few days to possibly a week the terminating discussion or event.

 

 

 

 

I know this forum stresses not to break NC but I really think it helped me. Don't want to bore u with the details of my BU but lets just say I wad stunned when she dumped me after 2 rocky years of her indecisiveness. I went NC for 2 months and in my heart wanted to contact her. Others told me not to. Don't give her the power.... Blah blah. I did anyways and it was an awful text conversation. She was inpersonal, cold, didn't ask a single question about me. Was I hurt? Setback? Hell yeah. But in the last few days it has hit me that its over. I have no more hope. However, i know I tried to put my heart out there and know where I stand. Its time to move on. I accept she longer wants me in her life. So be it. Her loss. I will find someone else to treat me with respect and appreciate me. I was a great bf to her. No doubt I know that.

 

So, I encourage those who really need to break contact. Go with your heart but beware you may not get the answer your looking for. But hell at least u tried. And 20 years from now you won't have any regrets. Trust me. U will sleep better at night.

 

On a sids note LS has been a god send. The night I contacted my ex and went to a store feeling down in the dumps a woman passed me by and smiled. Walking behind her she turned around and smiled again. I said do i know u? She said I always smile at attractive men. Long story short I gave her my number and shs contacted me because she lost her drivers license. We have been texting and she has been short with texting breadcrumbs. Making excuses why she is busy on the weekends. Did it hurt my confidence? A little. Did it make me think of my ex? Yes. But I know my confidence is getting stronger because I said next time she texts me I'm ignoring her. I won't let anyone treat me like this. And if she is treating me like this in the texting stages I sure as hell don't want to find out what its like dating her. I deserve better and will find it.

 

Be well out there.

[Kermit76]

To be honest those 8 weeks I was hoping my ex would miss me. She made it known that when she went on vacation one week prior to the BC she did not. So, every situation is different. Felt she should have been the one contacting me days after as she was the one to suddenly end things. My judgment was to give it time and give her space. Thought bothering her days after would only drive her away. Anyways, I don't think contacting her days after or 2 months after would have made a difference. Her mind was made up weeks before d-day anyways. Also, thru a mutual friend I heard she was questioning her decision the day after so another reason I gave her space to collect her thoughts. Either way moving on. If she wants to contact me i am not a mean person and would listen but like I said that would mean i have hope and i dont want any.

[barky2]

I've said it once and I'll say it again I'm sure 100 times.

 

You yourself have to be ready for NC or blocking on fb whatever.

 

You have to be like " ok, I get it it's over, there is no reason for anymore contact"

 

Boom your life changes, for the better.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[Am4Real]

My friend, you'remissing the point.

 

Contacting her after two or three days is about reconfirming the break up in the event tensions escalated over the norm or an event was taken out of proportion -- it's a ratification after the news to validate your position and ultimately take the next steps of healing. Contacting her two months after the fact is altogether different, it's a desperate reach when you either are not ready to let go, cannot let go or still living your life in the past and with hope. The conversation you had at [highlight]two months[/highlight] could have occurred at two days and if the same result would have occurred (your words); think about how much further you would be along now! Understand?

 

Alright, let’s stop fretting about it and chalk it up to something you learned along the way.

 

Sorry for the direct words.

 

 

To be honest those 8 weeks I was hoping my ex would miss me. She made it known that when she went on vacation one week prior to the BC she did not. So, every situation is different. Felt she should have been the one contacting me days after as she was the one to suddenly end things. My judgment was to give it time and give her space. Thought bothering her days after would only drive her away. Anyways, I don't think contacting her days after or 2 months after would have made a difference. Her mind was made up weeks before d-day anyways. Also, thru a mutual friend I heard she was questioning her decision the day after so another reason I gave her space to collect her thoughts. Either way moving on. If she wants to contact me i am not a mean person and would listen but like I said that would mean i have hope and i dont want any.

[Haydn]

Thing is for me (and i am glad it worked for you Kermit). I have gone a long time without contacting and she has through foul means attempted to know how i am feeling. (For her massive ego) So i would not ask anything from her. The only way i would talk to her was if she took a sledge hammer to my door and yelled your the best thing since sliced bread i was wrong. But until then i have no questions. I am healing.