For those who've gone NC

[Nothisgirl]

Im having a really hard time following through with NC....We have a very close, loving relationship...everything is really good despite him being attached (obviously) i haven't asked him to leave and i wont...he's spoken About doing so many times and I've made it clear to him that if they do split up i would want him to leave because he's unhappy in his marriage not because of me and that we would need to take a break while he sorts his **** out ...and im at a point where the guilt is tearing me up and i know i deserve more..i deserve 100% ....

 

anyway...for those who have proceeded with NC..what was your breaking point And HOW did you do it? What did you say? What did your MM (MW) say? Someone please help

[thecharade]

The sticking point for me was the possibility of being thrown under the bus, tossed aside, maybe even attacked as the interloper after a dday. That picture never sat right with me. True love? Staying for my kids? We'll always be together? But over and over I read of MMs who can't/won't leave and eventually write vile, offensive NC letters after all they have promised. I could not live with that type of insult. Could not. Would not.

 

I brought up the topic and did not get an answer I was comfortable with. NC then became my goal. I made a few errors, but I always reminded myself what the future held. NC eventually stuck, first in my head, and then it worked on my heart. I am no longer in much pain, just some sadness.

 

Protect yourself.

Nobody else will.

Good luck.

[Popsicle]

Im having a really hard time following through with NC....We have a very close, loving relationship...everything is really good despite him being attached (obviously) i haven't asked him to leave and i wont...he's spoken About doing so many times and I've made it clear to him that if they do split up i would want him to leave because he's unhappy in his marriage not because of me and that we would need to take a break while he sorts his **** out ...and im at a point where the guilt is tearing me up and i know i deserve more..i deserve 100% ....

 

anyway...for those who have proceeded with NC..what was your breaking point And HOW did you do it? What did you say? What did your MM (MW) say? Someone please help

 

 

Poor girl. I have no useful advice right now but I wanted to give you my support.

[Popsicle]

Actually, I do have something to say.... I don't contact my MM because I feel that this is the best time to end it, as far as my pain goes. I'm thinking about myself, and I know that the longer I go on with this, the more it's going to hurt when things end, and they WILL end. It's better to have control over the situation and end it now, then have no control and be dumped and left in the dark once the spouse finds out.

 

Also, I still think highly of him, and if he goes on and on with this deception, I will eventually lose all respect for him and myself.

Edited December 3, 2013 by Popsicle

[Nothisgirl]

@thecharade....and that's where I am at, knowing that right now, he's still there ....I keep telling myself that the love we have for each other is secondary, that it doesn't matter because the bottom line is he still gets into the same bed as her every night..as he should, he's not mine...and I'm at the end of my rope for tolerance as far as that is concerned..I asked him if maybe we should take a break over the holidays and he was set against that but for me, I don't want to deal with the emotions of being apart for the holidays

 

@popsicle...I think I'm still in la la land..I believe in my heart that if she found out he would leave I actually think he would welcome being caught..he's very open, to the point of entering his home phone number in my cell in case "I need humans can't reach him on his cell".... However the shame I feel for being the OW is big. And heavy. I'm not that woman and can't believe I've betrayed another woman this way. Makes me ill

 

All that said I still stay. Because I love him and because he loves me like ive never felt loved before :'(

 

Ty for responding

[Goodbye]

It took me a few attempts to stick to it. Healing doesn't happen over night or even on a predictable path. It happens in stages. NC will become easier over time. Is there any particular thing for which you need closure? I had a few things I needed to tell the exMM and once I got those out, NC became easier...not easy, but easier. NC is pretty easy now. I never desire to call him. I have successfully filled all those many, many hours I'd spend with him on the phone with other stuff. I don't have room for him in my life, and he no longer really feels relevant. He was a very important piece of my post-divorce life and I do still get the desire to see what he is up to from time to time, but I don't indulge that desire because that never leads to anything good. You'll be ok with time.

[Nothisgirl]

It took me a few attempts to stick to it. Healing doesn't happen over night or even on a predictable path. It happens in stages. NC will become easier over time. Is there any particular thing for which you need closure? I had a few things I needed to tell the exMM and once I got those out, NC became easier...not easy, but easier. NC is pretty easy now. I never desire to call him. I have successfully filled all those many, many hours I'd spend with him on the phone with other stuff. I don't have room for him in my life, and he no longer really feels relevant. He was a very important piece of my post-divorce life and I do still get the desire to see what he is up to from time to time, but I don't indulge that desire because that never leads to anything good. You'll be ok with time.

 

 

Ty for responding...you sound so strong and I appreciate you sharing.. One thing you said really resonates with me..I've never thought about it before but maybe ending it doesn't have to be a sad, angry mess..maybe I can Re iterate to him how I feel and what I want and need (things he already mostly knows) and tell him that I feel the NC is necessary even though it will break my heart. Right now my spirit is broken and I'm not sure which is worse

 

Before coming on here and reading I didn't think there was many highs and lows In our relationship because he doesn't disappear and if very consistent with the amount of love and attention he gives HOWEVER, there ARE highs and lows every single day...the highs come from all of our contact and his affirmation of feelings and my daydreams of us and his statements of how good we are together but the lows come in the form of the reality checks I'm given when I realize we can't go see a movie together without arriving separately or that trip he wants to take? We have to book separately...then it all comes crashing down

Edited December 3, 2013 by Nothisgirl

[happy stillmore]

Yes, the highs and lows were eventually too much for me. I began to see that he was more okay with the way things were than I am. I saw summer coming and his wife wanting to go on vacation this summer. I got too tired of wishing my life away, wishing for my life with xMM. I did not see any actions on his part. He is a very passive person. I did not see him making the needed changes so I had to start asking questions. I knew what the answers were going to be when I asked. I began to see that I was enabling his life just like his BS does. She knew about our A but acted like everything was fine at home. I was allowing him to continue to be selfish my by staying his AP. I wanted to stop the lying to both me and BS.

 

 

You basically have to ask him point blank: what do you see for your future? Am I in your future? If so, what is your concrete plan for this? You can't believe his words. no matter how much you want to. Actions speak louder than words. My xMM's lack of actions spoke volumes to me.

[Popsicle]

Yes, the highs and lows were eventually too much for me. I began to see that he was more okay with the way things were than I am. I saw summer coming and his wife wanting to go on vacation this summer. I got too tired of wishing my life away, wishing for my life with xMM. I did not see any actions on his part. He is a very passive person. I did not see him making the needed changes so I had to start asking questions. I knew what the answers were going to be when I asked. I began to see that I was enabling his life just like his BS does. She knew about our A but acted like everything was fine at home. I was allowing him to continue to be selfish my by staying his AP. I wanted to stop the lying to both me and BS.

 

 

You basically have to ask him point blank: what do you see for your future? Am I in your future? If so, what is your concrete plan for this? You can't believe his words. no matter how much you want to. Actions speak louder than words. My xMM's lack of actions spoke volumes to me.

 

Very proud of you.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You don't come into that strength within a few short days, weeks or months - it takes persistence. No contact is the absolute best gift you can give to yourself. It is one of the hardest journeys you will ever partake in.

 

It is extremely hard to not know what is going on with someone who was such an integral part of your life and I do believe there are some people that could take some of that information and just send them "light and love" and move on. I hope I get to that point some day.

 

But right now it's about survival. I am at the point where I will not break nc because I am prideful. I would not, at this point, give him the satisfaction of trying to contact him. He most likely feels the same way about me.

 

Honestly each day that you are in true nc, it is the most healthy thing you can do for yourself.

[Nothisgirl]

Yes, the highs and lows were eventually too much for me. I began to see that he was more okay with the way things were than I am. I saw summer coming and his wife wanting to go on vacation this summer. I got too tired of wishing my life away, wishing for my life with xMM. I did not see any actions on his part. He is a very passive person. I did not see him making the needed changes so I had to start asking questions. I knew what the answers were going to be when I asked. I began to see that I was enabling his life just like his BS does. She knew about our A but acted like everything was fine at home. I was allowing him to continue to be selfish my by staying his AP. I wanted to stop the lying to both me and BS.

 

 

You basically have to ask him point blank: what do you see for your future? Am I in your future? If so, what is your concrete plan for this? You can't believe his words. no matter how much you want to. Actions speak louder than words. My xMM's lack of actions spoke volumes to me.

 

Wow...so many similarities,....I admit...I came onto this forum thinking our A was very different than most but really...while I am sure we all have some differences the bare bones of most affairs seem to be so similar.

 

From what I can see he is very comfortable at home...he doesn't hate his wife..if fact he loves her "like a friend" but he's not "in love" (I've told him repeatedly that most ppl who are married as long as they are dont wake up every day "in love) however they have a very comfortable life, 2 teenage boys and a pre teen daughter...he comes from a European family (we all do) so both set of parents are involved in their family lives (ie: his mom and BS mom come over once a week and cook and clean) so why would he leave when I'm willing to be the OW...In fact I've told him point blank he should never leave because i would never put up with the bull**** she does. And that he's obviously got it really good now

 

in all fairness to him..he spends more time with me then he does at home but that's still not enough for me at this point...the holidays are here and I'm dreading it because we have to be a part...not to mention the family cruise they have booked for MARCH! compounded with the guilt and shame and it's all too much

 

Love is an action word, i say that often in reference to our A..but, it just dawned on my that my actions ( staying in the A) aren't showing much love for myself

[Nothisgirl]

You don't come into that strength within a few short days, weeks or months - it takes persistence. No contact is the absolute best gift you can give to yourself. It is one of the hardest journeys you will ever partake in.

 

It is extremely hard to not know what is going on with someone who was such an integral part of your life and I do believe there are some people that could take some of that information and just send them "light and love" and move on. I hope I get to that point some day.

 

But right now it's about survival. I am at the point where I will not break nc because I am prideful. I would not, at this point, give him the satisfaction of trying to contact him. He most likely feels the same way about me.

 

Honestly each day that you are in true nc, it is the most healthy thing you can do for yourself.

 

I'm scared, I'm scared of how ill get through my day without the constant contact...we talk about everything and communicate all day..it'll feel like losing my BFF...

 

I think the hardest thing is that he's going to feel blindsided and its killing me thinking he will be in pain ... But then I think, he has the power to make the changes so we can be together in the future and he's not. He's planning a family vacation for march :/... He asks me to wait but wth am I waiting FOR exactly?! Just typing this and I'm angry at him !!

 

I know I need to be in true NC. I'm just trying to figure out how to get there

 

Ty for responding and I wish you continued strength and healing

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I'm scared, I'm scared of how ill get through my day without the constant contact...we talk about everything and communicate all day..it'll feel like losing my BFF...

 

I think the hardest thing is that he's going to feel blindsided and its killing me thinking he will be in pain ... But then I think, he has the power to make the changes so we can be together in the future and he's not. He's planning a family vacation for march :/... He asks me to wait but wth am I waiting FOR exactly?! Just typing this and I'm angry at him !!

 

I know I need to be in true NC. I'm just trying to figure out how to get there

 

Ty for responding and I wish you continued strength and healing

 

I won't lie - it is pain - there is no other way than to walk through it. My xmom and I also communicated every day - all day. It was a very, very hard thing to stop expecting that I would have a message from him first thing in the morning. I was so happy when I went from a blackberry to an iphone - I thought that would help (because we both had iPhones) but when I changed jobs and my boss had a blackberry and I heard that familiar "ding" even after months it absolutely killed me. I can't tell you how relieved I was she went to an iphone.

 

There is no easy way - you can't walk around it, over it, under it - you must walk through it and feel the pain- eventually it will lessen. I can honestly say I still miss him (or maybe the way he made me feel?), but I will never contact him - no way. He can go to hell.

[bconnor]

As someone who just went NC with my work colleague 2 weeks ago - she initiated it by telling me that she was ending it only because I wasn't available and not for any other reason. She ended it the day after my birthday - we had the affair for the better part of 1.5 years and I still have to see her everyday now...

 

I sympathize with everything you've said - the highs and lows, my moodiness, the constant contacting over IM/text, the sex sessions - god, I miss that, the touching, hugging, kissing. I had the same issues, love my wife like a friend etc;

 

But ... it's time to use your head ... The heart is going to hurt .. a lot and the head is going to hurt even more - I still take Ibuprofen every few days because my head hurts so much thinking about her.

 

He's a fool - action does speak louder than words. Go NC, regain your self-respect, dignity and confidence. Give him time to think about what he really wants. If he's like me, he'll be suffering really badly at the moment - I'm in therapy now - I know why I entered this affair but I need to understand what the next step is, do I give up on my marriage or stay and try really hard to make it work.

 

Your AP has a lot of similarities to me but you have to let him go. It's time to start using your heads - something I didn't do - the emotional/physical affair was such a high and boy, when it comes crashing down, the heart pains.

 

Initiate NC - do it for yourself and do it today..

[Popsicle]

As someone who just went NC with my work colleague 2 weeks ago - she initiated it by telling me that she was ending it only because I wasn't available and not for any other reason. She ended it the day after my birthday - we had the affair for the better part of 1.5 years and I still have to see her everyday now...

 

I sympathize with everything you've said - the highs and lows, my moodiness, the constant contacting over IM/text, the sex sessions - god, I miss that, the touching, hugging, kissing. I had the same issues, love my wife like a friend etc;

 

But ... it's time to use your head ... The heart is going to hurt .. a lot and the head is going to hurt even more - I still take Ibuprofen every few days because my head hurts so much thinking about her.

 

He's a fool - action does speak louder than words. Go NC, regain your self-respect, dignity and confidence. Give him time to think about what he really wants. If he's like me, he'll be suffering really badly at the moment - I'm in therapy now - I know why I entered this affair but I need to understand what the next step is, do I give up on my marriage or stay and try really hard to make it work.

 

Your AP has a lot of similarities to me but you have to let him go. It's time to start using your heads - something I didn't do - the emotional/physical affair was such a high and boy, when it comes crashing down, the heart pains.

 

Initiate NC - do it for yourself and do it today..

 

So nice to hear from the guys about this. Thank you.

[Nothisgirl]

As someone who just went NC with my work colleague 2 weeks ago - she initiated it by telling me that she was ending it only because I wasn't available and not for any other reason. She ended it the day after my birthday - we had the affair for the better part of 1.5 years and I still have to see her everyday now...

 

I sympathize with everything you've said - the highs and lows, my moodiness, the constant contacting over IM/text, the sex sessions - god, I miss that, the touching, hugging, kissing. I had the same issues, love my wife like a friend etc;

 

But ... it's time to use your head ... The heart is going to hurt .. a lot and the head is going to hurt even more - I still take Ibuprofen every few days because my head hurts so much thinking about her.

 

He's a fool - action does speak louder than words. Go NC, regain your self-respect, dignity and confidence. Give him time to think about what he really wants. If he's like me, he'll be suffering really badly at the moment - I'm in therapy now - I know why I entered this affair but I need to understand what the next step is, do I give up on my marriage or stay and try really hard to make it work.

 

Your AP has a lot of similarities to me but you have to let him go. It's time to start using your heads - something I didn't do - the emotional/physical affair was such a high and boy, when it comes crashing down, the heart pains.

 

Initiate NC - do it for yourself and do it today..

 

 

bconnor...im sorry you are hurting so much...your pain is palpable i can't even begin to express to you how deeply this hit....thank you for sharing...thank you for being willing to share with us how you feel....to give me (us) insight into the other side....I had tears while reading..I so understand...the hugging, kissing, talking ing, whispering...the INTIMACY (and not just physical) is like a drug...I never had that in my marriage....but you're right, I need to get my self respect back...

 

May I ask how she actually initiated the NC? What did she say??

 

Also, talk it out..we are all here to help each other

[Nothisgirl]

I won't lie - it is pain - there is no other way than to walk through it. My xmom and I also communicated every day - all day. It was a very, very hard thing to stop expecting that I would have a message from him first thing in the morning. I was so happy when I went from a blackberry to an iphone - I thought that would help (because we both had iPhones) but when I changed jobs and my boss had a blackberry and I heard that familiar "ding" even after months it absolutely killed me. I can't tell you how relieved I was she went to an iphone.

 

There is no easy way - you can't walk around it, over it, under it - you must walk through it and feel the pain- eventually it will lessen. I can honestly say I still miss him (or maybe the way he made me feel?), but I will never contact him - no way. He can go to hell.

 

I was nodding my head reading along...that familiar "ding"

But your last sentence made me feel so strong...you're right...feelings mean frig all when there's no actions...and I know the pain won't last last forever...I must do it. And he can pick up his pieces and fix his life. Decide what he wants

[bconnor]

Nothisgirl - I have outlined most of my story over on the thread "It's Over" so you can read my story there.

 

I deleted her email the day after so I don't have the exact details otherwise I would posted it but it basically went along the lines of: "I want you to know that I can't be with you anymore as I'll keep torturing myself otherwise. Please help by staying away. Please try and remain civil/cordial in our work interactions. The memories will slowly fade over time as we heal and move on with other jobs."

 

It was a short and sweet email but boy - that short passage was enough to tear me apart. Initially, I was in anger and I didn't think she would stick with it. But when I got to work on the Monday, she had already removed some items I had given her to put around her cubicle. At that point, I knew it was real and the 1st week was so tough ... knowing that the person that you love is sitting 3-6 feet away and all you want to do is hug them and tell them everything will work out. We were such amazing friends and we destroyed it with our foolishness.

 

The worst part is that she left her husband and moved out earlier this year - her 2 young daughters have to shuffle between 2 houses now and I feel so guilty about that. Since both kids are young 3 and 7 years old, they seem to have adjusted but her husband - God, I feel sorry for him. He knew right from the beginning that this was going to be bad and he was right. I mean heck, I got intimate with her in her own house and we were essentially inseparable. I'm pretty sure a lot of my co-workers know about it also - I used to get teased about her. There are so so many memories - intimacy, love, emotions that I don't know how to fill this void.

 

I sit here struggling every day, trying to decide what to do next. I lover her so very much and I wish God would have either never made me meet her or made me meet her under different circumstances when we were both single. I'm scared because my heart wants her but my head is so worried about the consequences. My wife is a stay at home mum with our 3 year old - I know, people will say I have been incredibly selfish and it's true but the heart wants what it wants.

 

I grow restless flip flopping between staying or going - I'll have to decide sometime soon though otherwise I think I'll be in the mental house..

[painfullyobvious]

I am a person that quantifies everything. I started no contact be telling my WP that we were done and I will no take calls, letters, or any contact of any sort and would appreciate she would leave me alone. She didn't and it was hard. I kept a journal of my feelings of when I was frustrated angry and hurting. I kept track on how long it was between each broken NC and was determined to break my last NC record. I filled my empty time that was devoted to her with activities, chores and anything that occupied my mind. The evenings were the hardest but I always made short term goals of a day, then a week, month and so on. After many months I found myself not keeping track and I was on my way. It took me nearly a year and a half after setbacks, resumed contact, renewed NC. Once I made it six months NC that seemed to be big for me.

 

Remember keep yourself busy and give yourself personal goals for yourself. In the beginning I had goals like losing weight so I would look great when she saw me again. It was still about her, it has to be about you and stay busy.

 

Good luck

[Nothisgirl]

I totally empathise with you, and what i went through was the same as you have also read, that most love affairs are the same, especially LTRs. He stopped having vacations but now i realise that in retrospect, that when he went on vacation (albeit with the whole family) he actually thought more about our situation than he did without having a vacation, meaning that in fact the vacations helped him see reality. Well I told him I was not putting up with that and although he agreed, our relationship was more tense and went downhill after that. So now I think I should have just said ''Ok great, have a nice time,'' (I knew he would miss me) and it was giving him time to assess his relationship with BS. So the reunion was always amazing. We are LC low contact but struggling.

 

So what I am saying is if you love him let him go. He will come back and then the ball is in your court.

 

 

Thank you for responding...so many similarities ((hug))

 

see, It's not so much about the actual vacation though...it's that the vacation is in MARCH..that's 3 months for now and I cannot, will not,be the ow until then...I can't. The guilt is tearing me up and the shame and fear of being caught and ruining his family, hurting his W and kids is almost paralyzing... I know some will say I am already hurting them, which I suppose is true however right now, in order to get through I've convinced myself that what she doesn't know won't hurt her ( terrible, I know, and tbh I'm pretty sure she has suspicions and may be doing the same thing on her end) ...

 

Also, I won't allow him to leave her and come strait to me...there needs to be some time where he gets his **** together and some separation between the two relationships....( all that is assuming he actually leaves which I don't think he will) so, NC needs to happen, for so so many reasons

[Quiet Storm]

Nothisgirl - I have outlined most of my story over on the thread "It's Over" so you can read my story there.

 

I deleted her email the day after so I don't have the exact details otherwise I would posted it but it basically went along the lines of: "I want you to know that I can't be with you anymore as I'll keep torturing myself otherwise. Please help by staying away. Please try and remain civil/cordial in our work interactions. The memories will slowly fade over time as we heal and move on with other jobs."

 

It was a short and sweet email but boy - that short passage was enough to tear me apart. Initially, I was in anger and I didn't think she would stick with it. But when I got to work on the Monday, she had already removed some items I had given her to put around her cubicle. At that point, I knew it was real and the 1st week was so tough ... knowing that the person that you love is sitting 3-6 feet away and all you want to do is hug them and tell them everything will work out. We were such amazing friends and we destroyed it with our foolishness.

 

The worst part is that she left her husband and moved out earlier this year - her 2 young daughters have to shuffle between 2 houses now and I feel so guilty about that. Since both kids are young 3 and 7 years old, they seem to have adjusted but her husband - God, I feel sorry for him. He knew right from the beginning that this was going to be bad and he was right. I mean heck, I got intimate with her in her own house and we were essentially inseparable. I'm pretty sure a lot of my co-workers know about it also - I used to get teased about her. There are so so many memories - intimacy, love, emotions that I don't know how to fill this void.

 

I sit here struggling every day, trying to decide what to do next. I lover her so very much and I wish God would have either never made me meet her or made me meet her under different circumstances when we were both single. I'm scared because my heart wants her but my head is so worried about the consequences. My wife is a stay at home mum with our 3 year old - I know, people will say I have been incredibly selfish and it's true but the heart wants what it wants.

 

I grow restless flip flopping between staying or going - I'll have to decide sometime soon though otherwise I think I'll be in the mental house..

 

 

You don't have to be at the mercy of your emotions. Feelings can sometimes drag us down the wrong path. It's possible to be so self aware that you learn your weaknesses, your flaws and learn how to manage them- in essence you learn how to protect yourself, from yourself.

Edited December 5, 2013 by Quiet Storm