CBKBM Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 A few months ago, I was dumped after a two-year relationship. I was blindsided, devastated, heartbroken, and confused. I received no reason or explanation from him other than “I don’t know why” and “something feels off.” After months of therapy and introspection, I think the relationship just sort of quietly imploded because of stress (new jobs), timing (there was a long stretch of time where we were ships passing in the dark), and most importantly, communication (he tries to fix problems by himself without involving other people and I come from a family where emotions are icky things that we don’t talk about.) I’m awful at expressing what I want, need, feel, fear, etc.—you know…the types of conversations that are necessary to progress a relationship. Anyways… We never went NC (I know, I know, but it’s a decision I don’t regret), and the contact evolved from weekly texts to daily texts and long phone conversations. Initiated by both of us. In the last month or two, he started bringing up things we did together and started using terms like “we,” “us,” and “ours.” (We never brought up emotions or the relationship because, remember, I’m bad at that.) Then a couple weeks ago he says he wants to see me. We meet, and it’s like we just picked up where we left off. The conversation was easy and awesome and it just felt so (so so) good to see him. We talked and joked and laughed and reminisced for hours. (You know where this is going…) Then I went back to his place and, yes, we slept together. When morning rolls around, we sit and chat for another hour or so, but I feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome so I say I have to go. I get a kiss goodbye and that’s that. (If I was a better self-advocate, this is when I should have asked “what the hell are we doing?”, but I didn’t bring up emotions or the relationship because, remember, I’m bad at that.) Since then, communication has been brief and superficial. And of course, I’m an emotional wreck and driving myself crazy trying to figure out what it all means and what to do next. So, LS community, help me out? 1) Any mind readers care to speculate what’s going through his head? 2) What do I do now? Obviously, I want to reconcile, but I also want to finally express myself in a way that I never did either in or out of the relationship. I want to finally be honest about my feelings and expectations and needs. So how do I do that? 2a) The popular advice seems to be “Don’t do it...yet. Lay low until he brings it up. He knows how to reach you, and if he wants to talk about things, he well. In the meantime, focus on bettering YOU and let him initiate the contact and conversation.” Ok, fine, I get the wisdom, but isn’t this the type of mentality that got us in trouble in the first place—passively waiting until the other person makes a move, saying nothing and hoping the other person does? 2b) The simple answer—but also the hardest—seems to be: just tell him. Tell him how I feel and what I want from him, and explain that what we’re doing now just isn’t good for my emotional welfare or sanity. 3) If I do decide to initiate the conversation, how? Phone, letter, face-to-face? How do I start? Unleash a torrent of emotion, or keep it brief? ??????? I hope this post doesn’t come across as a “how to get him back” strategizing post, because even though that’s what I want (so so much), what I NEED is to communicated my feelings. Advice?
yic Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I think it is great that you do not want to play games. But I think you sent the wrong message with the following: Then I went back to his place and, yes, we slept together. When morning rolls around, we sit and chat for another hour or so, but I feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome so I say I have to go. I get a kiss goodbye and that’s that. (If I was a better self-advocate, this is when I should have asked “what the hell are we doing?”, but I didn’t bring up emotions or the relationship because, remember, I’m bad at that.) Since then, communication has been brief and superficial. So far since the breakup, your actions have shown him that you are available at his beck and call, and you're willing to skip from A to Z in a hot minute. You two are not exes with benefits -- it does not sound like this is what you are looking for. I do not know about him, and I cannot fathom what he is thinking. Going to his place, having sex, and then kicking yourself out shows him that it is ok for him to undervalue you - WRONG and definitely not ok. Show him you are not his doormat with your words AND actions. It should not be that easy for him to get you to skip from A to Z, he has to move mountains, take all the appropriate steps from A to Z. By letting him skip, he has lost interest because he is taking you for granted. He thinks you will always be around, this is why NC is recommended. I am all for open and honest communication, and if you want to give it a go, then think about your boundaries and what you want if you guys are to give it a second go. Be firm. 1
Axee Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I was really touched by your post ,because I am also like you in some ways... I like to be open and honest. Just give yourself some more time.. You want him back, but I feel unless he shows atleast some signals ..you really wont have a chance.. So go LC with him.. until furthur notice (something changes from his side or your side)
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