kanga Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles I think this is a very spotty generalization. A woman offering to pay could just mean that she is being polite. I don't think you can equate an offer to pick up the bill as a lack of interest. I realize that has been your experience, though. What about other folks? YES. Very bad generalization. Wanna tick me off? Then don't let me pay. And, for some of us, it's not just about being polite. It's about appreciation. When a guy wants to pay for my dinner, I want him to do it because it's what he wants to do. Not because tradition dictates the man pays; not because he wants to get me into bed. To be clear, I wouldn't be wanting to pay on the first date if he initiated the date. But after a few -- well, it would really, really disappoint me if the guy refuses to let me treat him.
alphamale Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by kanga YES. Very bad generalization. Wanna tick me off? Then don't let me pay. To be clear, I wouldn't be wanting to pay on the first date if he initiated the date. But after a few -- well, it would really, really disappoint me if the guy refuses to let me treat him. If you reread my "very bad generalization"' you will see I stated "in the beginning of a relationship".
Pocky Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 If you reread my "very bad generalization"' you will see I stated "in the beginning of a relationship". I'd have to agree with AM to some degree (waits for lightening to strike). If I were to go out on a date with a gentleman that I decided I would not date again, then I would try to make the dinner my treat or figure out some way to even the score and spend as much money as he did so the night wouldn't be a total loss for him when he realized that he wasn't going to see me again. However, if I went on a date with someone I planned to see again, I'd probably let him pay for the first one, but then I'd follow up with paying for the second date and we'd just alternate. In my opinion, we all work hard for our money, no reason why someone should be forced to pay for everything when even in the beginning of a relationship it should be balanced.
iceisles Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky I'd have to agree with AM to some degree (waits for lightening to strike). If I were to go out on a date with a gentleman that I decided I would not date again, then I would try to make the dinner my treat or figure out some way to even the score and spend as much money as he did so the night wouldn't be a total loss for him when he realized that he wasn't going to see me again. However, if I went on a date with someone I planned to see again, I'd probably let him pay for the first one, but then I'd follow up with paying for the second date and we'd just alternate. In my opinion, we all work hard for our money, no reason why someone should be forced to pay for everything when even in the beginning of a relationship it should be balanced. You make a good point. There is a feeling of trying to "minimize" his losses if you don't plan on dating him again. It's hard to read a lot into it, though. I've know guys who dated girls who expect the man to pay 100% of the time - regardless if they have any intentions of seeing him again or not.
jellybean Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky If I were to go out on a date with a gentleman that I decided I would not date again, then I would try to make the dinner my treat or figure out some way to even the score and spend as much money as he did so the night wouldn't be a total loss for him when he realized that he wasn't going to see me again. Yep, that's why I've done it (offered to pay)......
RowanRavyn Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 When I started dating again, I was skeptical of ALL men. It didn't matter how nice he was or how attracted I was to him. First dates were always lunch (or daytime), and I always paid my share. It was a fail safe. Neither of us would have too much invested initially. Attraction was not a factor. Not for me anyway. I was scared, and I didn't want to be indebted. I came to this conclusion after an initial date with a guy who took me out treated me like a queen and then thought he was gonna get a little somethin' somethin' at the end of the evening. When I very kindly turned him down, he ranted on me about "owing him for the evening." I learned a lesson and took it with me into the dating scene. There after, it was about my independence. I enjoyed being able to treat or pay my share when I went out. If I initiated the date, I paid. Its only fair. If a guy insisted on paying when we went out often, then occasionally I would surprise him with a date, completely planned and paid for to say thanks for being such a gentleman.
Groovy Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Like Kanga said, "it's really important for both people to be clear on that what each other wants. Like all relationships, not knowing what the other wants is going to lead to confusion and resentment". As far as Alphamale's comment, I agree with it....... If I want to be just friends or not even that and just want to leave, I pay half. If I like him or plan to see him again I want him to pay and charm me. If he didn't I assume he is not into me. I am not saying a man has to pay for me to like him at all. If your broke but like me, then just tell me your short on kash but would love to have a picnic with me in the park. Some men do feel you owe they give you something. I've had men blow $175 on 2 meals at the finest place for a first date....nothing happened. I would have been happy with Chili's or Applebees! And I only let men help me on home repairs or yard work if I really like them and don't mind what they may expect. But bottom line is men should only do things because they want to, not to set a gal up and create sexual obligations. That would be their issue, not mine.
allen10981 Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 I never let a girl pay for me, ever since ive been 14, im 19 now, having been in 3 serious relationships, not once did any of the girls pay for anything for me Am I an a**h***?
kanga Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 You're not an a**h*** based on this one attribute. But there might be a woman whom you're denying a chance to really do something that she wants to do. Maybe I sound like a total goof for saying this, but it's a great feeling to do simple gestures -- such as paying for the bill. I don't know the rationale behind your decision. I know some guys don't let women pay out of of so-called tradition. I'm guessing (just theorizing here) that some guys do this -- subconsciously maybe -- because of control issues. Anywho, as I've said previously, there are so many views on what people want and like in regard to paying the bill. I prefer to spend time with guys who aren't going to make a fuss out of my offer to pay or when I hand over my portion of the bill.
alphamale Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 Originally posted by kanga I don't know the rationale behind your decision. I know some guys don't let women pay out of of so-called tradition. I'm guessing (just theorizing here) that some guys do this -- subconsciously maybe -- because of control issues. Yes KANGA, this is true, at least for me. Whomever pays the bills gets to make the rules. I always have to be in control, it is some sort of obsession.
allen10981 Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 Its got nothing to do with control I come from an italian family, and its always been the accepted method that the man makes the money and provides for the family, and the woman can do as she pleases with her time, be it wanting to have kids, or just sitting on her ass and plain doing nothing lol :-P Honestly, i feel wrong if i dont pay. I feel like i did something that i shouldnt have, thats the main reason i always pay, am i wierd for this?
iceisles Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 Originally posted by allen10981 Honestly, i feel wrong if i dont pay. I feel like i did something that i shouldnt have, thats the main reason i always pay, am i wierd for this? I kinda feel the same way. I always offer to pay unless my date insists on paying and won't take 'no' for an answer.
Fritz Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 Originally posted by Groovy I can't believe I am the only one who likes the tradition of being courted. All my friends do, and I am 32....not too old. Only once did I date someone who didn't pay and I was not impressed. Put an effort in to show me you want to be with me, make it a date- not just any social event. My advice to men is offer to pay, because no one is offended by that. Yeah, no one is offended by that.. besides some feminists etc.. I don't have a problem paying, especially if I asked for the date but women who don't show they want to be with me (and no I don't mean by going to bed with me) don't get a second or third date. Why should I always pay? What was all that stuff about equality? Anyway, in general whoever asks for the date should pay but these days I don't have much tolerance for women who think the guy should pay all the time. It smacks far too much like a mistress/hooker type of relationship (perhaps without the sex) these days. Women have jobs, make money, many times more than I do..why should I always pay then?
Groovy Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 I am also Italian and usually date Italians, maybe that is why once in my life he didn't pay. And I know a few guys if I attempted to go half they get mad at me. I agree though a guy shouldn't be given the boot for going dutch after a while. Sometimes it gets expensive! But the first few times make her feels special!
joel Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 well i'm chinese canadian guy and from what i heard from my folks the chinese gals want the guys to pay for everything and anything, so just imagine. white gals are more independent i guess. true why should guys pay for everything. if we do just go for coffee or somehitng super cheap and free lol. hahaha
crisp Posted January 9, 2005 Posted January 9, 2005 I always pay my share the first dates. If he wats to take me out to some fancy restaurant and he insists on paying (and is during the first dates) I may agree. But will come back to the 50/50 rule. It may sound weird, but I have to trust a guy to let him pay for me. My current bf pays for us now, but it's because I'm a student and I'll start in 4 months. I could be paying my share, but we woudn't be going out this much. He's just great about that. HE's the first bf I had who actually pays for everything and I am just extatic. It does make me feel very special to him. I ocasionally buy little gifts for him to show that I appreciate it and I occasionally cook for him. Must be love .
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