"Loves me" yet on singles site still?

[KeaneGirl]

I met this guy on a popular free dating website about a month ago, I saw his photograph and read his profile and felt he and I would hit it off. I won't name the website just in case haha-- but I'm sure a lot of you know the free one that's really popular. The only downfall is that he is a good 8 hour drive away, winter has hit and we've been a bit busy. After several lengthy emails, I gave him my FB and phone number so that he could text me. I liked him so much that I deleted my account on the site.

 

Moving forward, weeks later he treats me through text as if we are in a relationship already, calling me the cute names and saying how much he misses me etc. all that jazz. It's almost too good to be true really. We haven't met in person yet, and I had my hopes really high that something would work out albeit his full time work schedule and my part time, we could make this happen for the holidays coming up.

 

I've come to notice something as of recent that is really bothering me however and could use some advice, especially from the fellas. Although it seems he really likes me as I do him-- judging from our communication, last night while we were texting when he was at work, he completely dissapeared. This happens sometimes. He will get busy in his line of work, which is understandable but then when he goes home (usually I'm asleep in bed at that time) I don't hear from him until the next day around the time he wakes up to go back to work. So what is bothering me is, today I was actually with a girlfriend of mine setting up a profile for her on the website, and I typed in his name out of that curiosity to see if his profile was still up so I could show her,, and taa-daa it not only showed up, but it showed that he had been online to check it while I was sleeping. Boredom? Who knows.

 

So this is what is what's bugging me. We talk every day and I thought our feelings were reciprocal, but what I don't understand is why he is still on the site checking it from his phone. I want to cut ties due to this, but at the same time we haven't EVEN met in person yet. Would this be fair of me? Do I have the right to feel suspicious or upset? I mean, we haven't even officially gotten together in person yet. I was thinking maybe he's scared that when we meet I might not like him after gotten his hopes up, or who knows. I just feel afraid I might throw something away that could be special, due to what I had witnessed today. He promised me that he's not a heartbreaker, and that he was usually the one given the cold shoulder by girls in his past. Please help

[clia]

He doesn't "love" you. He hasn't even met you in person.

 

Moving forward, weeks later he treats me through text as if we are in a relationship already, calling me the cute names and saying how much he misses me etc. all that jazz. It's almost too good to be true really.

 

It is too good to be true. For all you know, he's a 65 year old woman. Have you Skyped or talked to him on the phone? It also sounds like he might be a blowtorcher if he is getting comfortable like this with you prior to meeting. How can he miss someone he's never met? Pink flags, at least.

 

Although it seems he really likes me as I do him-- judging from our communication, last night while we were texting when he was at work, he completely dissapeared. This happens sometimes. He will get busy in his line of work, which is understandable but then when he goes home (usually I'm asleep in bed at that time) I don't hear from him until the next day around the time he wakes up to go back to work.

 

Let's see...he's never met you and is not in an exclusive relationship with you. I don't find it at all strange that he doesn't feel the need to be in constant communication with you. For all you know he went home from work and went to bed. Or he could be out with another woman, or talking online to another woman. Who knows?

 

So this is what is what's bugging me. We talk every day and I thought our feelings were reciprocal, but what I don't understand is why he is still on the site checking it from his phone.

 

Because he's never met you and you aren't exclusive. Right now you are nothing more than fantasy. For all you know, he may have no intention of ever meeting you in person. Some people like the virtual fantasy.

I want to cut ties due to this, but at the same time we haven't EVEN met in person yet. Would this be fair of me?

 

You don't have to stay in any "relationship" you don't want to be in.

 

Do I have the right to feel suspicious or upset?

 

In my opinion, no. Especially not if you two haven't discussed exclusivity. In fact, I think it was crazy for you to pull down your profile over a guy you haven't even met and (from what I'm sensing) have no plans in place to meet anytime soon.

I mean, we haven't even officially gotten together in person yet. I was thinking maybe he's scared that when we meet I might not like him after gotten his hopes up, or who knows.

 

All valid, rational fears. Have you done a lot of online dating? If not, many people misrepresent themselves online, so it is not uncommon to meet someone in person and find out they are not what they said they were. He is (smartly) keeping his options open. You should do the same.

[KeaneGirl]

Hi Clia, and thank you for your efficient reply. Its definitely given me a wake-up call.

 

We've Skyped and talked before so I know for sure he's not 65 we haven't really discussed exclusivity--he calls me he love and always mentions how perfect and pretty I am, and mentioned that he would be nervous upon meeting me due to this fact! We both speak of what we want in a relationship/future etc. and he told me he's not the heartbreaker type, but the type that had always been left cold by other women. However it's the tone & the way he speaks to me that gives me mixed emotions. He talks to me how a boyfriend would, which is why I was thrown at the fact he's still checking the website (ie. keeping options open). He told me that the best things in life are worth waiting for and that's what he told himself upon meeting me, that we just both need to be patient

 

We spoke about meeting, but right now with the hardships of our work schedules and weather, it doesn't look like it's happening anytime soon-ish but hopefully I'm wrong. Which is why I was mentioning severing ties, because I feel like I'd rather just end this 'fantasy' if its just that, before any real hurt could take place. I guess I just need to have a serious talk with him and find out where this all stands rather than being passive and driving myself crazy.

[d0nnivain]

You have vastly unreasonable expectations for OLD. The profiles don't come down until you both agree that you are exclusive & you both talk about taking them down.

 

 

He sounds like a player because he's feeding you all this "too good to be true" cr@p. You know what they say about stuff that seems too good to be true? It is! Proceed cautiously & remind yourself that this is all pretend until you click IRL & agree to be exclusive. You sound like the type to give your heart away easily. With OLD that is a recipe for heartbreak.

 

 

If you do like him & it sounds like you do, meet him in person. Sooner rather that later.

 

 

Understand, though OLD has this phenomenon called "bigger better deal" -- people keep thinking the next person they meet on line will be better for them than the person they are currently talking to.

[KeaneGirl]

"Understand, though OLD has this phenomenon called "bigger better deal" -- people keep thinking the next person they meet on line will be better for them than the person they are currently talking to".

 

That's what I'm afraid of. I noticed in the past I'd meet some guys online that seemed down on their luck with the ladies--only to find I had stroked their ego's too high and then the grass is greener phenomena would set in and they'd be gone.

 

I just don't want to be an option or held at arm's length, and I'm thinking about just laying the cards out tonight just to know where I and this all stands. I mean granted I'd be sad upon severing the ties but I'd feel better doing it now--and not later on down the road after too much communicative investment. Or just being friends without any expectations might be better for me. Not like an online 'fwb' if that even exists lol, but staying in touch without any high hopes/expectations and if he shows up here to see me, good deal but if not I should just move forward.

[d0nnivain]

If you feel the right thing to do is lay your cards on the table do that.

 

 

I think it's the absolute wrong thing to do before you have even met the guy. It will make you come off as clingy, crazy & out of touch with reality.

 

 

You have no context by which to evaluate this man or his intentions. You are operating out of fear. Have some self confidence. Look in his eyes. Watch his body language. Then evaluate his words.

 

 

If your expectations are that somebody you meet though OLD will make a commitment to you sight unseen I predict you will be alone.

 

 

Back off. You should be out there playing the field too. You can't commit to someone before you even go on a first date.

 

 

Communication isn't an investment. One or two dates isn't an investment. You have to put yourself out there. These are baby steps introductions to see if you want to make an investment. The communications & 1st few dates are like reading the prospectus before you make a monetary investment.

[vanek26]

I feel for you, OP. You are so innocent to the whole process.

 

I wouldn't try to "lay the cards on the table" with him because he'll probably just lie and tell you what you want to hear. He'll say he is only on the app because he's bored or even better he'll say that his phone automatically logs him in and that's why it shows he is online. It is obvious to me that he will do this because he's been pouring the lovey dovey stuff on you before you've even met which is manipulative behavior.

 

If I were you I would reactivate your profile and start talking to more guys. You'll likely find similar ones to this Mr. Wonderful who even live closer to you. You have a long way to go in the dating game before you have the right to expect someone to take down their profile for you.

[MalachiX]

Hey Keane. You sound VERY new to this online thing and seem to be setting yourself up to get hurt.

 

You guys havn't met and are not in any kind of a relationship. That's just the way it is.

 

Any guy who would decide to get into a long distance relationship (which is what 8 hour is) without meeting the other person is nuts. Any guy who would claim they loved someone without meeting them (and after only talking for a few weeks is even more nuts.

 

There are only a few possibilities:

 

1.) You have overestimated this. He might want to see you but there is no reason to cut off any other options before you guys have met. Especially given how far away you guys are. In that case you need to re-adjust your expectations.

 

2.) He really has been trying to make you think he "loves" you which means he's either crazy or a player. Either one means you should head for the hills.

 

 

 

I met this guy on a popular free dating website about a month ago, I saw his photograph and read his profile and felt he and I would hit it off. I won't name the website just in case haha-- but I'm sure a lot of you know the free one that's really popular.

 

Umm...this seems kinda odd. You must be really new to this to have this much secrecy over OKCupid (or PoF). What are you scared would happen if you posted what dating website you were using? That people on these forums would somehow deduce who you are based on your Love-Shack name and then go throw the MILLIONS of OKC profiles trying to find you?

Edited December 3, 2013 by MalachiX

[Sforestf]

Hi vanek26,

 

I saw your post a while ago about getting a one night stand pregnant how is that situation going? Any luck seeing the kid? How is chikd support.

 

I am in a similar situation and would love to hear if you have any advice. Sorry I could tell respond to your other thread where you talked about it but love Shack wouldn't let me as its to old.

 

I feel for you, OP. You are so innocent to the whole process.

 

I wouldn't try to "lay the cards on the table" with him because he'll probably just lie and tell you what you want to hear. He'll say he is only on the app because he's bored or even better he'll say that his phone automatically logs him in and that's why it shows he is online. It is obvious to me that he will do this because he's been pouring the lovey dovey stuff on you before you've even met which is manipulative behavior.

 

If I were you I would reactivate your profile and start talking to more guys. You'll likely find similar ones to this Mr. Wonderful who even live closer to you. You have a long way to go in the dating game before you have the right to expect someone to take down their profile for you.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Your expectations on this whole situation are unrealistic. Let's put aside that fact that you've never actually met this guy in person and have no exclusive relationship established.

 

How about the fact you state that he lives 8 hours away and you both have lives and jobs that have prevented you from meeting already? If you can't find the time to meet, how will you ever have a healthy, working relationship with this guy? How do you realistically plan to be in a relationship with someone so far away? And what's going to stop him from pursuing other people since you can't be around?

 

In addition, the fact that you've never met in person, and he already is saying he "loves you" would be a huge red flag for me. He's either 1. Got serious emotional issues

2. Is playing games with you and using you for his online entertainment purposes.

Edited December 29, 2013 by Smthn_Like_Olivia