I Finally Gave Up

[reddragon588]

I've come a long way in the 6 months since my breakup on June 7. The first few months, all of June really, I could not function like a normal human being. I couldn't sleep for literally the first 5 days until I finally was so tired I collapsed and slept for over 12 hours. I cried endlessly, I suffered at work and I was a useless human being.

 

Around the end of the month, I took steps forward. I started going to a therapist. I joined LA Boxing and set up a regular workout schedule for myself. I forced myself to go out with friends even though I didn't want to. I was miserable still but I was functioning again.

 

In July, I told my ex we couldn't be friends anymore. I laid out my full truths and said that I still loved her, and if she wanted to try again then I would welcome her presence in my life but I couldn't see her as just a friend and it would only hurt me if she remained in my life in that capacity. Doing that set me back emotionally, and when I saw her one final time to drop her things off, I literally collapsed when I returned home I was so emotionally drained.

 

In August, I was still miserable. Even though I had told her we couldn't be friends, she still dropped me breadcrumbs. Then came her birthday early in the month. The day of her birthday was the worst day of my life, even worse than the day we broke up. I didn't reach out to her and that hurt me so much I actually threw up from the stress. I couldn't take it anymore. After two straight days of nightmares on her birthday and the day after, I finally pulled the plug and deleted and blocked her from my social media. It was sooo hard and so painful and I cried afterward. It was silent for a few days, then she threw a hissyfit over texts to me about it. I should have ignored, but I explained to her I still had feelings for her and seeing her on social media hurt me. That was the last I had heard from her, on August 28. She blocked me on Facebook, deleted pictures of us on Instagram and a bunch of other things I know about because I still snooped on her pages, even though I shouldn't have.

 

September was NC for me and the real start of healing. I traveled, to San Francisco, to Las Vegas, to San Diego. I joined meetup.com and met new friends. I called old college friends and reconnected with them. I doubled down on my workout schedule and lost weight, are better made a whole fitness plan. I was so busy I literally had no free time between when I woke up and went to bed.

 

October was more of the same, only with a bigger emphasis on the new friends from meetup. I continued to see my therapist and also emphasized working in my faults, my struggle with sharing emotions, my lack of self confidence, and my authoritativeness. I wanted to be a happier, healthier, more confident me. I wanted to draw that happiness and confidence from myself, instead of being co-dependent on someone else.

 

November has been a bit of a blur. I traveled a bit, to Los Angeles and Las Vegas. I continued with what I had been doing with my therapist and workouts. I focused on family, talking to my parents and my grandmother who is now in her late 90s.

 

I'm the happiest I've been in a while. I'm so much more confident in myself. I'm able to really be a better friend, and I'm so much more open about myself. My friends, family and co-workers have all mentioned this to me, that they've noticed it.

 

But I've still struggled with giving up that last hope she is coming back. It was a fantasy I just couldn't get out of my head. It didn't affect me in my life much other than emotionally. But it wouldn't leave my head and could be very stressful for me at times. My therapist finally told me, I had to rip the final bandaid off. She said with her OCD patients, they have to experience the extreme of their fear to finally overcome it. She told me I needed to face my fear, feel the pain, and is finally get rid of these last obsessive thoughts.

 

Last Sunday, I called my ex, ending three months NC. We chatted, and I asked her to get coffee this week after the Thanksgiving holiday. She said maybe. I didn't hear from her over the past week. Last night I texted her to set a time to meet. She responded this morning "I don't know if that's a good idea." I stupidly responded "ok. I just wanted to do something casual." She hasn't responded and I honestly don't expect her to.

 

It hurts so much. I know that this is the answer I need. There is no more fantasy. I know it's over forever. It hurts goddamn it but I now know it's done. I finally have up that last hope. I sit here knowing she will never be in my life again, in any capacity.

 

I had a few things left that I held onto with that hope. I felted the voicemails on my phone. I deleted some old texts. When I get home tonight, I will finally be removing the framed pictures and repurposing them with pics of my family and friends (they were in the closet but still had pics of Us in them). I will be getting rid of all the physical remnants of hope to match my emotional release.

 

I hurt a lot, but I know that this is it. This is where I finally give up hope, and it's over. I feel free as much as I feel sad and hurt. But this is also the best I've felt since the breakup, as weird as that sounds. I'm ready to move on with the rest of my life. The chapter of my relationship is over, and so is the chapter on my breakup.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Very encouraging and I'm sorry she wasn't able to meet you for coffee. That would have set me back, but I suppose it was the answer you needed confirmed.

 

You did great with your progress, it's nice to see someone healing and moving on and ultimately letting go.

 

I can't wait to be where you are.

 

The beginning stages are awful. Throwing up, shaking, anxiety, tears...so familiar with that.

[Mariposa10]

You're doing the best you can to recover from this heart break. I admire all the hard work you're putting into feeling better. Things will get better. Give yourself some credit for such an amazing job you're doing.

 

I wish you the best, and remember we're all here for you!

[reddragon588]

Very encouraging and I'm sorry she wasn't able to meet you for coffee. That would have set me back, but I suppose it was the answer you needed confirmed.

 

You did great with your progress, it's nice to see someone healing and moving on and ultimately letting go.

 

I can't wait to be where you are.

 

The beginning stages are awful. Throwing up, shaking, anxiety, tears...so familiar with that.

 

There is no way I could have done this even just a few weeks ago. But I knew it would end in her rejecting me, and I also knew that's what I needed. I didn't have that mentality until recently, and that's why I was able to reach out.

 

It's tough, but just keep plugging away and you'll get there eventually. You seem like a kind and loving person and someone will be lucky to call you their wife someday.

[Sososad]

Very honest post .. I wish you the

Best of luck and please god your set

For a happier home straight now !

[organizedchaos]

Your journey and mine are quite similar. It's been quite an emotional rollercoaster for me as well. I'm so thankful I found LS to help me figure out the right way to deal with this. You've also been very helpful to me, thanks. Is there a link to your BU story here?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

There is no way I could have done this even just a few weeks ago. But I knew it would end in her rejecting me, and I also knew that's what I needed. I didn't have that mentality until recently, and that's why I was able to reach out.

 

It's tough, but just keep plugging away and you'll get there eventually. You seem like a kind and loving person and someone will be lucky to call you their wife someday.

 

AWW <3 that is so sweet of you. Thank you.

 

I think we both deserve someone special in our lives because we love with all we have and not many people do that today. They just give up. So don't ever think you won't love again, because you will.

 

Sometimes we have to go against what we are "supposed" to do to get where we need to be. You needed to reach out to her because that was the last part of this chapter before you closed the book on this relationship/breakup.

 

A friend told me, "The wise are never answered and in that, that's when we find ourselves and become a stronger person."

 

Sometimes we search and search for an answer, tiring ourselves, when really it was just underneath our nose this whole time. We just were hoping for something better.

 

Stay strong.

[reddragon588]

Your journey and mine are quite similar. It's been quite an emotional rollercoaster for me as well. I'm so thankful I found LS to help me figure out the right way to deal with this. You've also been very helpful to me, thanks. Is there a link to your BU story here?

 

Yes, this has been one of the most important resources for me as well. To be honest, I never really posted my breakup story. I can elaborate later if you'd like, but I'm on my phone now and need to wrap up some stuff at work.

[Mariposa10]

Yes, this has been one of the most important resources for me as well. To be honest, I never really posted my breakup story. I can elaborate later if you'd like, but I'm on my phone now and need to wrap up some stuff at work.

 

 

Sometimes it's good to give some details like how long you guys were together, etc. Also, what happened with the new girl you liked? I think you posted a thread about it, but never updated it.

 

I'm really interested in reading about people who are trying to move on, to feel better and find some people they like.

[organizedchaos]

Yes, this has been one of the most important resources for me as well. To be honest, I never really posted my breakup story. I can elaborate later if you'd like, but I'm on my phone now and need to wrap up some stuff at work.

 

Yeah, would like to hear your story when you have a chance.

[headinthecloud]

Thank you, Dragon. Sharing your journey is and will continue to help so many of us here. It takes a lot of courage to face your demons and overcome them. You should be proud.

 

Now that you've closed this chapter, what are your plans for the new exciting adventures that await? There's a beautiful girl out there and she's looking for you.

 

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Gandhi

[hrtblds2ez]

Reddragon, your story is very motivating. My heart goes out to you in these tough times, however, it sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to do. Keep up the good work and thanks for the inspiring story.

[Salvatore85]

Ya know Red, I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts. You give people great advice and you seem to really care. In the short amount of time I've posted here I've definitely noticed you've made major strides.

 

I'm sorry she didn't respond but honestly it's the best possible thing for you. You will come out ahead in all of this. Stick around, keep posting because you're a very valuable member of the community here.

[reddragon588]

Yeah, would like to hear your story when you have a chance.

 

I honestly don't expect anyone to read this all the way through, but wow was this therapeutic to write.

 

My ex and I honestly had the weirdest relationship. I met her the last week of my senior year at a bar in May 2010. She was a freshman. I had actually gone out that night to meet up with this girl I was feeling at the time. She stood me up. Being the typical me, I took this really hard and got super wasted. I ran into a friend at the bar, and he was with these two girls he was friends I with. I immediately started shamelessly hitting on one. I ended up following them back to their apartment to smoke weed with them, and got the number of the one I wasn't hitting on (I'll call her Cee from now on).

 

I started hooking up with the girl that I was stood up by, and so was kind of blowing Cee off, while still talking to her. Eventually it fell through with that girl, and I kind of ramped up my friendship with Cee. We never hooked up, but there was a clear romantic tension of some type there.

 

I moved away at the end of the summer because I didn't have a job, so I went back to live with my parents, in Seattle. I kept in touch with Cee and it was obvious we liked each other. We texted all the time, we Skyped multiple times, we kind of hinted that we liked each other and wanted to go on dates.

 

Eventually I moved back after about 4 months in January 2011. The first time we hung out, she made the move on me, and we kissed and started hooking up. After a few weeks, it kind of became more than just hooking up and we were basically dating. Although to be fair, I hooked up with another girl while we were in that "undefined" period, although I never told her (she later told me she made out with one guy during that same period).

 

After about 7 months of this, she told me she loved me. I was hesitant, but said it back that same night. A couple weeks later, she told me she wanted to know what we were, and I told her she was my girlfriend. A few weeks after that, we went public, both in telling people actively, and on social media (this was after we started saying it in person). This was October 2011.

 

Things were great. We were in total love, it was her first relationship, period, and my first real relationship (nothing had gone longer than 6 months for me, never past the "just starting dating" phase). Her family loved me, she came to visit my parents in Seattle, everything was awesome.

 

Then in August 2012, she turned 21 and things turned a bit down. I have a bit of a drinking problem. I am a binge drinker, and it can result in me being problematic. In August 2012, I was very unhappy at work. I was drinking my unhappiness away. It affected me a lot. I forgot to get her a birthday gift because I had been too hungover to think of anything, or to go out and get it. She was very upset. Then that weekend, we went to Las Vegas. I got way too drunk, and was kicked out of the club we were at. She got really mad, and ended up calling her parents. We went home the next day because her parents threatened to kick her out of the house if we didn't. They then threatened to kick her out of the house if she didn't break up with me. She was upset but didn't want to break up, but had no choice. We "broke up", although it was mostly to appease her parents. We continued to see each other, talk as though nothing had changed, we told each other it was just a break. I worked on my drinking with a therapist. While we were apart, she made out with a guy in Vegas when she was there with friends. This should have been my first sign this "break" was more of a test run of the break up.

 

Eventually, we got back together in November 2012 after appeasing her parents with the break. Things were amazing. It was like nothing had happened. We talked about how much we loved each other and even at times talked about a future. One time, at a concert, she pointed at an older couple that was there, and said, "That's us in 30 years." We were making plans for what we wanted to do in 2014 before it was even 2013.

 

In February 2013, her parents split up and are now in the process of divorcing. This had a bigger effect on her than she ever admitted to me. She would eventually do the same thing to me that her mom did to her dad.

 

I was now aware of my binge drinking issue, and told myself I was working on it, but I wasn't really. I still would black out on occasion, and once I called a girl a slut to her face because I was too drunk to realize what I was doing. The last straw came at Coachella this year. I was really drunk an d thought I'd lost my keys to my car. I took out my frustration on Cee and yelled at her. We eventually found them, and instead of apologizing I just kind of grabbed them and started digging around the car for my bag. She was telling me how rude I was being when I went to shut the trunk. I slammed the car door down on her head. It was a total accident, but I still should have been immediately on my knees apologizing. I would have been if I wasn't drunk. Instead I blamed her for it, and never actually apologized.

 

Anyway, we talked it through after Coachella and things returned to normal. Her graduation in May 2013 should have been an eye opener for me. Her parents were together at the grad, purely for her. I could tell it was stressing her. Her dad did not get her a gift or a card or anything, and just shrugged it off as saying, "well I paid for your education, what more do you want from me?" In fact, I was the only one from her whole family that gave her a gift AND a card! Her mom only got her a card, same with her sisters. Later that night, she got really drunk, and when we were on her way back, she just kept saying things like, "You should just break up with me. I don't deserve you. I'm fat, I'm an emotional mess, blah blah". I should have recognized this as a warning sign, but instead I worked to calm her down.

 

The next week, I went to Japan with my dad for my birthday. While I was gone, I texted and Facetimed with her every day. It seemed like we were doing so well! But she went out with her single friends on Saturday nights and got trashed. This seemed a bit strange to me, as she was acting as though she was single. I mean, we partied a lot, and she partied without me before, but this just seemed different to me for some reason.

 

When I got back, we hung out and everything seemed great for the first 3-4 days. Then on Thursday, she started acting weird. For three years, we had been texting every day, all day, almost non-stop. All of sudden she wasn't texting me at all really, and when she did, it was one word answers. It seemed strange because the night before, we had hung out and nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

 

The next day, Friday, she basically completely stopped texting me even though we were supposed to hang out that night. When we hung out, it seemed ok, although she seemed distracted. When we sat down for dinner, she basically started laying out all these issues she apparently had with me. Things I'd never heard from her before. Then she brought up the Coachella issue. We had talked about it a couple times before, and had both agreed that it was stupid of me, that it had hurt her, that I was sorry, and both had basically agreed it was put to rest. I got a bit annoyed, because it had been put to rest and got a bit upset and got defensive. It turned into an argument, which escalated, and finally on the way out of the restaurant, she said, "Where is this going?" I thought she was talking about the argument and decided to give up and said alright, I'm sorry, I was wrong, what can I do to right my wrong? She said, "No, I'm talking about us, not the argument." That night she ended it after 3 years. I asked her to take a week and think it through, but nothing changed. I found out later that her mom had talked to her that Thursday and that's why she changed all of a sudden. She ended up telling me the exact same thing that her mom said to her dad. She basically copied her mom. It angers me so much that she could be so influenced by her parents, but that's the story of our relationship now isn't it.

 

That takes me to where my first post picked up. That's the story of my relationship.

[reddragon588]

Sometimes it's good to give some details like how long you guys were together, etc. Also, what happened with the new girl you liked? I think you posted a thread about it, but never updated it.

 

I'm really interested in reading about people who are trying to move on, to feel better and find some people they like.

 

Thanks for your support. I have no real updates on the girl I like. She is really flaky. I have kind of moved on, although she keeps liking stuff of mine on social media so who knows haha.

[reddragon588]

Also, I'm sorry for the walls of text here, but this has been a really emotional day for me. I already feel so much better here right now though. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. Giving up that final hope is so liberating. I look forward to the day all the people I see struggling on here like me have this same feeling. I'm finally in the acceptance phase, it's a long time coming but it's here. I really truly feel like it's here.

[KelC411]

Hi redragon. Sorry to hear how hard this has been for you. I am really glad to hear you feel more free thoughI know it doesnt stop the pain. Though our situations are different, my ex also brought up a lot of past mistakes that I thought had been put to rest (or didnt even know aout) and it sucks to feel that guilt in addition to the pain. But it sounds like you are doing what you need to do and I am proud of you for that! Hang in there!

[BC1980]

Also, I'm sorry for the walls of text here, but this has been a really emotional day for me. I already feel so much better here right now though. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. Giving up that final hope is so liberating. I look forward to the day all the people I see struggling on here like me have this same feeling. I'm finally in the acceptance phase, it's a long time coming but it's here. I really truly feel like it's here.

 

Wow. Your story of acceptance is so close to mine. After a messy breakup with breadcrumbs, I finally went NC at the end of August. I still had that hope that he would come back no matter how hard I tried to kill it. I broke NC a few weeks ago, and he basically told me it won't work right now.

 

I was like you. I knew he would say that, but I needed that to finally be free. I needed to hear that to set me free. Since then, there's been a total shift in my emotions. It's a tangible exhale. This is finally over. I have accepted that it is totally done. I guess we both needed to break NC to face our fears.

 

I'm sad, but I'm no longer hopeful. I would rather live without that hope because it was killing me. Thank you for sharing your story, and keep moving forward.

[reddragon588]

I'm sad, but I'm no longer hopeful. I would rather live without that hope because it was killing me. Thank you for sharing your story, and keep moving forward.

 

It's the best sadness I've ever felt! Thank you for all the support on this thread, I really appreciate it.

[Simon Phoenix]

I had a similar experience with my ex a few months ago. After a few months of LC following 5.5 months of NC, I texted her to invited her to get lunch or a drink with me. She said that she really wanted to go as friends (which is fine, wasn't expecting anything else) and that she missed me but was concerned. Then she started going off about the circumstances of our break (which was about a year in the past at that time), basic stuff that we should have discussed right after it happened when I was still in a bit of contact with her. Stuff I came to terms with and moved way past due to NC and help from sites like this. All this was via text -- my phone was having a seizure while I was like "lolwat".

 

After my phone was able to take a water break I text her back asking if she was available to talk on the phone or on Facebook chat (wasn't going to send her 20 texts or whatever, texting is a pain in my ass). She said no because she was going to bed, but told me to send her an email. So I did - a nice short, bullet-point explaining matter-of-factly my perspective on why things went down the way it went down to answer the things she brought up via text. I told her that I wanted to discuss this months ago but I felt it was pointless and decided to move forward instead -- and that if she was ready to do the same that we should hang. All in all, my e-mail to her was shorter than this post.

 

I have left it to her since and haven't heard a thing. And really don't care if I ever do. I realized that while I was recovering or doing whatever, she was avoiding all this crap and now it seemed to be catching up to her. that she was more affected by this than I thought. I didn't start talking to her to necessarily get her back (though I would have been cool with it had it played out that way) but because I honestly liked her as a person. But if she can't work her way past this stuff (I didn't do anything harmful to her and we weren't together that long) then oh well. I got closure that I wasn't even looking for because I already got it by myself.

 

Last night I had a dream where she was pregnant by another guy (who had since left I guess) and was trying to get back with me because her sister (the wife of my best friend) told her how great I was with her child, so she wanted me to be the father of her unborn child. I was like "WTF?" during the dream and after I woke up because it had been months since she had appeared in a dream. But it didn't affect me in the least.

[Am4Real]

Simon and Red,

 

I have a little saying I would like to share with you both in these challenging time with your EX’s as you struggle with their actions and reactions to you.

 

It goes like this:

 

“We often think of our EX’s as having done something to us, something which is worthy of an explanation or an apology,

however it is not what they have done to us at all, rather it is what they have done to themselves”

 

Hope those words help you both…

 

 

 

 

I had a similar experience with my ex a few months ago. After a few months of LC following 5.5 months of NC, I texted her to invited her to get lunch or a drink with me. She said that she really wanted to go as friends (which is fine, wasn't expecting anything else) and that she missed me but was concerned. Then she started going off about the circumstances of our break (which was about a year in the past at that time), basic stuff that we should have discussed right after it happened when I was still in a bit of contact with her. Stuff I came to terms with and moved way past due to NC and help from sites like this. All this was via text -- my phone was having a seizure while I was like "lolwat".

 

After my phone was able to take a water break I text her back asking if she was available to talk on the phone or on Facebook chat (wasn't going to send her 20 texts or whatever, texting is a pain in my ass). She said no because she was going to bed, but told me to send her an email. So I did - a nice short, bullet-point explaining matter-of-factly my perspective on why things went down the way it went down to answer the things she brought up via text. I told her that I wanted to discuss this months ago but I felt it was pointless and decided to move forward instead -- and that if she was ready to do the same that we should hang. All in all, my e-mail to her was shorter than this post.

 

I have left it to her since and haven't heard a thing. And really don't care if I ever do. I realized that while I was recovering or doing whatever, she was avoiding all this crap and now it seemed to be catching up to her. that she was more affected by this than I thought. I didn't start talking to her to necessarily get her back (though I would have been cool with it had it played out that way) but because I honestly liked her as a person. But if she can't work her way past this stuff (I didn't do anything harmful to her and we weren't together that long) then oh well. I got closure that I wasn't even looking for because I already got it by myself.

 

Last night I had a dream where she was pregnant by another guy (who had since left I guess) and was trying to get back with me because her sister (the wife of my best friend) told her how great I was with her child, so she wanted me to be the father of her unborn child. I was like "WTF?" during the dream and after I woke up because it had been months since she had appeared in a dream. But it didn't affect me in the least.

[organizedchaos]

reddragon, your story was great to finally read. Thanks for posting and I bet this has been a hard day for you. How have you been dealing with your drinking?

[reddragon588]

Last Sunday, I called my ex, ending three months NC. We chatted, and I asked her to get coffee this week after the Thanksgiving holiday. She said maybe. I didn't hear from her over the past week. Last night I texted her to set a time to meet. She responded this morning "I don't know if that's a good idea." I stupidly responded "ok. I just wanted to do something casual." She hasn't responded and I honestly don't expect her to.

 

Well, I'm very surprised, but she did respond.

 

"idk I just am not sure... not to be mean or anything but like I feel like it would just be kinda awkward for us. Obviously I want the best for you and everything but I just don't know what seeing each other would accomplish. I just feel like it would be too hard."

 

I think it may be best for me to either just say, "I understand and thank you." or to just leave it alone.

 

Either way, I'm going to leave it alone till tomorrow either way.

[Simon Phoenix]

No challenging times for me, but thanks for the words.

[reddragon588]

reddragon, your story was great to finally read. Thanks for posting and I bet this has been a hard day for you. How have you been dealing with your drinking?

 

That's another story for another day But it will be a big focus for me now. It already has been, but it's time to really work on it. I'm planning on focusing solely on that with my therapist moving forward.

 

But I have sort of lost the will to drink lately as it just does not seem enjoyable to me. I've still had a few drinks here and there but not too much really. I hate waking up hungover.