2yr boyfriend won't have sex with me, worried he doesn't find me sexually attractive?

[RosieDunne]

Thank you soccerrprp, but I really do want things to work out with him, I don't want anyone else The fact that we have a great time when we're together is surely better than not having a great relationship with him when we're apart? And as for the sex thing, I've sort of forced myself to get used to it now so I want to try everything I can to make this work. I know my posts aren't that flattering of him but he is an amazing lovely guy who treats me right when I'm with him

[AMusing]

AMusing - thank you very much for your advice, I will do that, I'm just not really sure where those clinics are.. apparently they have them in the hospital? It would be a massive help to go to an appointment I think I'd feel incredibly relieved to have all my questions answered! And haha, thank you I think he's a bit of an arse too! problem is I still love him

 

Irrespective of your relationship status with him, please make your sexual health a priority right now. I'm guessing you are from the UK, so I can't advise you as well as if you were from the US. However, you could start by googling "planned parenthood" and whatever city you live in. If that doesn't work, google "STD screening (& your city). Looking through the results should give you some places that offer low-cost (or free) STD screening and contraception advice. Or call your local hospital; they should be able to give you information on where to go.

[lifeunderground]

Thank you soccerrprp, but I really do want things to work out with him, I don't want anyone else The fact that we have a great time when we're together is surely better than not having a great relationship with him when we're apart? And as for the sex thing, I've sort of forced myself to get used to it now so I want to try everything I can to make this work. I know my posts aren't that flattering of him but he is an amazing lovely guy who treats me right when I'm with him

 

What you don't get is he's neglecting you.

 

Hes putting his own needs above yours.

 

I read you lost your virginity to him so you are most likely attached and inexperienced.

 

He jerks it to porn but can't **** you?

 

he's 22 I highly doubt he's unable to perform

 

He's selfish and not even trying then rubs in the fact that he used to **** his ex all day?

 

he's an ass you deserve better.

[lifeunderground]

Sorry for lurking but with this info and your other thread in mind

 

LEAVE HIM

 

 

he doesn't even talk to you or anything.... he is most definitely cheating and / or has checked out of your relationship...

[FitChick]

Is he overweight? That can lower sex drive.

 

You both should go into the clinic together so you can hear what the choices are for birth control. Many other options to hormonal types, like various barrier methods but you have to be diligent about using them. At your age, I'd opt for hormonal types because there are so many different doses that could be tailored to your specific body.

 

You both can get tested for diseases as well, so you are starting "on the same page."

 

NHS should be free with minimal payment for prescriptions.

 

Otherwise, if he can't be bothered, leave him or ask if you could have a FWB on the side as long as it's no one he knows.

[emva07]

I don't think that at 19, you should let something like this wear you down. If he doesn't find you sexually attractive, so what??? someone else will.

 

You keep on saying you want to save your relationship because you care about him, this that and the other. But the more important question here is: WHO IS GOING TO CARE ABOUT YOU???

 

Don't waste your youth being a martyr for a guy who clearly wants a sexier woman in bed (not that I'm saying you aren't, but what he says) and the good girl at home. Sex is a very important part of a relationship (at least for me), if he doesn't feel it with you, honey, nothing you do will change that. Put your energy into a guy who tells you you rock his world.

 

You are the cute, innocent woman who lost his virginity to him....the good girl, not the sexy bomb shell he wants to **** all day long.

[soccerrprp]

Thank you soccerrprp, but I really do want things to work out with him, I don't want anyone else The fact that we have a great time when we're together is surely better than not having a great relationship with him when we're apart? And as for the sex thing, I've sort of forced myself to get used to it now so I want to try everything I can to make this work. I know my posts aren't that flattering of him but he is an amazing lovely guy who treats me right when I'm with him

 

I am not surprised at all with this. This is the classic denial before the LT relationship that doesn't change on the balance. You are so emotionally attached to him, you provide excuses, you settle in terms of your needs, and you forget that you deserve better.

 

You're afraid of the unknown. There's a sad saying....this especially is true with you ladies....

 

"It's better to be with the devil you know then the one you don't."

 

I have some friends who have been emotionally scarred by staying in relationships too long. Not saying that yours won't work out, but just be objective.

[Iguanna]

Ok can I ask something? He's 20 years old and he's slept with many girls. Now he's with OP for 2 years. Doesn't he feel the need to have proper sex in his 20s? If OP was the first girl to sleep with, I would kind if justify him not caring for sex, but he has tried it and he insists on wanting OP for 2 years. I start to wonder, is he maybe sleeping with other girls during the relationship so he doesn't mind not having sex with OP?

[spiderowl]

spiderowl - ok now I just feel devestated, people's replied were leading me to believe that it wasn't my fault and something that we could fix, but now I feel like it's a lost cause and he really isn't attracted to me... But that is exactly how it is. He actually said to me once he sees me more as a friend than a girlfriend, and I once said the same thing to him. The thing is the sexual spark has never really been there for either of us in a big way BUT I do find him incredibly sexy often and when we do things together sexually that aren't sex I know for a fact we are both sexually attracted to each other and that at those moments he does see me in a sexually attractive way. But without the sex it isn't enough for me.. and I don't think it can be for him either. At first I thought he just had an INCREDIBLY low libido but no guy goes 2 years with hardly any sex right? The thing that turns him off is how he sees me more as cute than sexy he says, so if I can just change that can I change his opinion of me? It is a very difficult situation and it's incredibly hard for both of us. We did almost break up 2 weeks ago actually, it was utterly devestating and I have never felt more heartbroken in my life, it hurt even more than guys I DID have that spark with which made me think he is really special Anyway, the main problem at the moment is distance because I'm at uni and only see him at weekends but that time I hadn't seen him for two weeks so he was feeling distant from me and was thinking of ending it. But as soon as we saw each other that weekend I stayed the whole week and we had the most amazing time and everything is SO perfect in every other way which is what makes it so heartbreaking. It's easy enough to say just leave him, but the problem is we do actually really really love and care about each other. I don't know what to do.

 

I'm really sorry, didn't mean to sound heartless. I'm 100% sure it's not your fault. You can't blame yourself for this. It's just not normal for a guy to form a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with someone if he doesn't find her sexually attractive, unless he's not seeking a sexual relationship with her. I feel there must be something else going on. Whether it's medical or what, I don't know.

 

I do understand how painful all this is. Would he go to relationship counselling with you? If not, it leaves you stranded and him not accepting any responsibility for the situation. If he won't go, you could go on your own and see someone to help you, to help you understand it's not you.

 

Please do not assume that another person's unusual behaviour is your fault. There could be a million and one reasons why he's behaving as he is. I'm sure it has nothing to do with your personal attractiveness. He wants friendship but doesn't want to move to more. That's not usual at all.

[hudson701]

I have the exact same problems with condoms- I literally feel nothing and the erection dies within minutes. The difference between having sex with and without a condom is like night and day- I would happily go without sex if I have to use a condom as it will be no where near as good as without one.

 

I literally can't feel anything, this creates a performance anxiety and leaves the girl questioning her own attractiveness, which is totally unnecessary.

In the times I have managed to stay hard, I keep thinking the sex could be so much better and I could vastly improve the experience for the girl simply by removing the condom. Consequently I lose interest and worry about the girl not enjoying as I'm simply not using my sexual potential.

 

In the past I've brought numerous girls home after a night out/on holiday and they've been shocked when I've declined sex if a condom is involved, opting to go down on them instead. This is something I equally enjoy and at least this way I can guarantee them an orgasm albeit without the sex. Making a girl orgasm is important to me; I'm sure as **** not going to manage that bagged up with rubber, with absolutely zero feeling (not even warmth!) through vaginal penetration. As you've probably guessed by now I've missed out on a lot of sex through this.

 

When I've been in long term relationships with ex girlfriends, we've tried condoms for fun just for a new experience. Almost all of my exes said it feels 'different' and uncomfortable after a while as they tend to dry the girl out a bit. Needless to say it's back off within 5 minutes of putting it on. A small minority have stated it feels the same as an unprotected penis but most can tell the difference immediately.

 

It's a dilemma I face all the time; I wonder what to do as I'm missing out on so much sex.

[FitChick]

It's a dilemma I face all the time; I wonder what to do as I'm missing out on so much sex.

Get a vasectomy.

[SmartDude]

Hmm, well 2 years is a long time but anything is possible so don't give up unless you want to.

 

You could educate yourself about female and male arousal. Kama sutra or taoist sexual techniques would be my suggestion for study.

 

Maybe you can increase his confidence without letting him know of your intentions. Tell him that you need to get off and don't care how he does it(but don't be mean just confident maybe slightly bitchy and playfull). Put him in the role of the provider. It may feel selfish or wrong, but do it any way. If he feels confident that he is pleasing you, he may get over his mental issues with the condoms. He thinks that it is impossible to get off with that damn condom on, it probably pisses him off a great deal. He might be surprised when he finds out that it is all in his mind.

 

I also had problems with condoms. My girlfriend could not get pregnant so it was always bareback. It took me quite a while to adjust after that. With women after that it was foreplay> condom on till I got soft> she jerks me off> I finish her off after with manual stimulation>done and everyone is happy.

[hudson701]

Get a vasectomy.

 

I'm too young for that yet.

[Iguanna]

Ok I might sound bad but I had a thought of what I would do: I'd tell him that I took the pill (started last week) and now we can have sex without a condom and see how he reacts. If he seems satisfied and happy and act like he wants to do this, I'll tell him that I lied and that I know now what his problem is, the condom, so we'll work from there. If he still insists on no sex, then I'll know that we will never have sex no matter what I do and I'll leave him.

[RosieDunne]

lifeunderground - Thank you, I feel neglected but I always just thought I was being over emotional as he always calls me He is most certainly putting his needs first and I find it really upsetting how selfish he is, he doesn't care at all how much he hurts my feelings it would seem. Also thank you! I HATE so much how he brings his ex into this, rubbing in the fact that it worked with her and not with me?! How the hell is that supposed to make me feel any better... This whole relationship has just made me feel like I'm not good enough. For him or for anybody. You're right about the attached and inexperienced thing though. There's times I want to leave him, I know it's the right thing to do, but I am extremely emotionally attached to him and it's hard to let go. He's the first person to really love me and I'm scared I'll never find it again, I was let down so much in the past I really hoped this time would be different I get to see him tomorrow (finally) so I can see how things are then.. but undoubtedly they'll be perfect and we'll have a really nice weekend again which is REALLY frustrating because I just makes me think I'm being an idiot wanting to leave such a lovely person then. It's a vicious circle that keeps going round and throughout the week I'm left feeling like **** and completely confused. If he's going to be so cruel to me online and not having sex with me etc, why is he not that cruel in real life, why does he have to be so nice to me and make me fee for him all over again. It's so hard to know what I want.

 

Fitchick - he's no overweight, no, but he is actually incredibly underweight. I worry about him quite a lot, he has no diseases like bullemia or anorexia or anything and he eats so much, it's weird. He just has a really low metabolism and he drinks a LOT of water which I don't think helps.. he has all these strange anxieties like if he doesn't drink enough water he'll get ill and he's always worried about eating too much fatty things and having a heart attack. But it's not like he doesn't eat, he actually stuffs his face which is really strange why he doesn't put on weight... but I do worry about him sometimes and I wonder if maybe this has a lot to do with the low sex drive thing as well. I'm also aware that maybe he has a lower self esteem than I realise and perhaps him lashing out at me things is maybe a way of lashing out at himself? I don't know. There's nothing wrong with him, I just worry about him sometimes, I want him to be healthy and he's really really skinny. And thanks for the suggestion, I will do that! I think I need to say to him right, this is what's happening, we're going to the clinic together and both getting checked out and then that's one worry out of the way, I think he'll be relieved to go actually, he's mentioned it many times.

 

emva07 - Thank you for your advice, everything you say makes so much sense and I know you're right but it's easy to accept those things, it's not easy to act on them and I'm not finding it at all easy to leave him. I really don't want to, everyone's telling me this is all wrong, and I know it is. In so many ways. But I don't want it to be. Typical stubborn girl in denial huh.. haha I don't know what I'm hoping someone will say, I keep hoping for a miracle that I'm being stupid and everything's fine but it's not. I don't feel fine. And feeling so relieved to actually talk about it on here makes me realise that.

 

soccerrprp - you too, you are so completely right and I know I'm in denial but I'm not ready to break this off I want it to work, I keep feeling like I can fix it. If I just start to take control more can't I fix it?

 

Iguanna - he's definitely not having sex on the side, but I can see why you might think he is. I'm not sure what's happened, I think to be honest, he has a very low sex drive and me having a high one (well, high to him) means I'm constantly the one wanting sex (I'd be fine with once a month, at least something!!) but because I'm the one always wanting it, it's driven him more and more away and the gap in between sex just got longer and longer, it's like I kept turning him off by my desire for it when he didn't want it. I realise now I shouldn't have asked for it so much (although once every two months or so doesn't seem a lot of times to ask to me, but he seemed to think it was....) I don't know, I say that but I don't think I'm being fair to myself. I deserve to be able to want sex from my own boyfriend once in a while don't I?!

Also, in relation to your second post, that's quite a good idea actually I had considered that haha! But it's gone a bit past that now. The problem is because we've been having so many difficulties with sex it's been putting him more and more off it and now it's a delicate subject for both of us - even I don't really want sex now because of how he's made me feel over the years and if I feel like that he DEFINITELY feels like that so suggesting it to him really doesn't seem like a good idea yet, I think the air needs to clear a bit first before I try these things Which sucks..

 

spiderowl - aww, no it's ok! I know you weren't being heartless, I just feel a bit pathetic at the moment haha! Thank you very much for being so nice though, I'm trying not to blame myself (not succeeding). I don't think he would go through counselling though, I have actually thought about suggesting it before but I think he'd just take it as a confirming sign that things aren't working and just decide to end it instead. The problem is he isn't willing to put any effort in of any kind. It's incredibly frustrating. He even promised to put more effort in contacting me, he said last night he'd try and make an effort to talk to me from now on online but I haven't heard a word from him all day and it's now 2am... not the most encouraging start to his supposed revelation of contact.

 

hudson701 - thank you for telling me that!! It makes me feel a lot better to hear it from the perspective of a man who goes through the same thing! Makes me think he perhaps isn't making excuses after all! I really don't think he is making excuses, I think he genuinely does have a legit problem with condoms and he's embarrassed about it and so it's causing even more performance problems! I'm sorry to hear it's such a problem for you though! I hope it gets better! If you were to get another LT girlfriend you could maybe ask her about other forms of contraception, because I know I'm certainly willing to try ANYTHING to make this work with my boyfriend! I just don't know if it will work.

 

Smartdude - once again thank you for your suggestions, I find them really helpful! I will definitely try those things, I think I need to gain a bit more experience in that department, I keep trying to think of ways I could 'wow' him in the bedroom and start making him think of it as a more positive experience. I like your demanding suggestion though, I can definitely try that! Put him in his place and start being more demanding of my needs, I think I definitely need to improve on that, and I know it's what he wants too. Also, your method sounds very effective!!! I wish things could work out like that with us! It goes - we have sex, he'll criticise me and make me feel like **** the whole time because he 'cant feel it' that will make me feel awful and rejected so I start to lose enthusiasm and feel hurt, and he can feel that I feel like that so he asks if there's something wrong and I say no and try to act like everything's ok but it's clearly not ok and he knows it so we stop and he's annoyed and I end up getting upset and it just puts him off sex even more because obviously me getting upset over it isn't helping at all so we can't even finish in other ways and I'm left feeling incredibly frustrated because the sex was working for ME and i've had to stop and I feel rejected and hurt and he'l just bugger off and do his own thing after that and the more it happens the more hurt I feel and the more he's put off sex.

[kassy]

I haven't read the whole thread or even most of it. But at 19 you shouldn't be dealing with this. Or ever. But the problem is his. He makes you feel terrible. It's been going on a long time, it isn't going to change.

 

Look if he doesn't have sex with you on the kind of regularity that you want then it doesn't matter what the reasons are. You guys are sexually incompatible. It's always hard to admit that as it seems annoying. You find a great guy you really like him but the sex isn't working. It is a huge part of a relationship and self esteem. If it had been great and tapered off then maybe work on it but in this case you are just setting yourself up for punishment.

 

Break up with him.

 

Date other men.

 

Find one you really like who really likes you and wants to rip your clothes off and have some great sex with you. It's much more fun and there's lots of guys who would love to be that man for you.

 

Also just think you breaking up with your boyfriend may give him a chance to meet someone who he is also compatible with. You can both be happier and more fulfilled.

 

The problem with sexual incompatibility is that no one is happy and it tends to bring out the worst in people and ruin a happy relationship and both parties self esteem.

 

Break up with him NOW

[crederer]

RosieDunn:

Are you sure he isn't a closeted gay man?

G

 

I have to admit, I didn't read the whole post cause it was hella long, but this was what I was thinking for the 22 paragraphs that I did read.

[Iguanna]

So it seems that nothing you can do can fix things. Then you have to think about it a lot, he may be a great bf but this gap between you in the sex field I think is too big to be tolerated. You are not even like old, so I would say "ok she has had some good sexual life, now she wants to settle with the good guy and his only problem is this, at least he satisfies her in other fields". You are too young to sacrifice your sexual life for a good guy. I know you may think that it's hard to find such a good guy and that it may not be worth it to leave him once you've found him only for the sex, but at 19 sex IS important. Think about it. Or at least take a break with him to date other men and if you don't find anything better, go back to him. That's cruel I know but I don't know what else to tell you.

[KatZee]

I'm REALLY confused why there is 5 pages on this thread. The writing is on the wall, and it's already come out of his mouth:

 

1. He doesn't think there is a spark with you.

2. He thinks the relationship with you is dysfunctional and isn't working.

3. He views you as a friend.

4. He's not interested in having sex with you.

 

You say he's lazy. He's obviously with you because it's just easier than dating and finding someone else. He's being complacent, he's settling. It's not fair to you because you think you have something more than you actually do.

 

This guy doesn't act like a boyfriend. He doesn't have erectile dysfunction, and you most certainly don't need to be bending over backwards getting hormone shots to see if he'll have sex with you. I'll tell you the answer right now, if you get those shots, there will be another excuse.

 

Together for 2 years and sex SIX times? This is not a relationship. It's a friendship.