2yr boyfriend won't have sex with me, worried he doesn't find me sexually attractive?

December 4, 2013

oh, and he doesn't initiate sex with me, no, because he knows it doesn't work. He initiates other sexual things, but not that. I actually have to force him to do it and always regret it because it just ends up in us arguing about it not working.

Okay look the only way to find out is you get some other form of birthcontrol : IUD, the stick, ect whatever...

If you refuse to you aren't trying to fix the problem...

Then once that's out of the way you can discover if it's the condom or if it's really just lack of desire for you.

Honesty though I do not think it's the condom....I've never had guys complain and they end up finishing because they are horny creatures

Like I said 6 times in 2 years is a HUGE problem ...

He has even told you he has no sexual attraction if I were you I'd talk away

December 4, 2013

It's actually very frustrating because he'll get me in the mood, initiating things and getting me excited but I know that it hardly ever goes as far as sex which is very dissappointing.

Do you ever give him Oral sex? Not a straight man on this planet that will turn down some oral sex. If he doesn't stay hard for that you have issues beyond condoms. He could be homosexual or at least not attracted to women in general.

I say not attracted to women in general because I would enjoy a blowjob from the most hideous of creatures. Don't blame yourself if he goes soft.

He is way too young for erectile dysfunction unless it's tied to excessive masturbation or some other attraction issue.

Don't stop blowing him until he cums. If he doesn't or says something else you need to have a serious conversation about what his feelings are at that very moment.

December 4, 2013

Do you ever give him Oral sex? Not a straight man on this planet that will turn down some oral sex. If he doesn't stay hard for that you have issues beyond condoms. He could be homosexual or at least not attracted to women in general.

I say not attracted to women in general because I would enjoy a blowjob from the most hideous of creatures. Don't blame yourself if he goes soft.

He is way too young for erectile dysfunction unless it's tied to excessive masturbation or some other attraction issue.

Don't stop blowing him until he cums. If he doesn't or says something else you need to have a serious conversation about what his feelings are at that very moment.

Good idea!!

but I find it sickening you have no blow job standards

December 4, 2013

I am going to try any contraceptives I can as an alternative. I wanted to post here to get some opinions before hand, I hoped people would reassure me it could be fixed but now I'm not so sure haha! I'm going to do whatever I can nonetheless, I'm just kind of nervous about it and trying to get the courage to do it. There's an open clinic near where I live that's also a sexual health place so I'm thinking I just go in and ask about getting the injection? The thing is, once the injection is in it can't come out and if the side effects are anything like last time I could just make this matter incredibly worse. So I'm a bit worried about it, especially as the effects don't wear off for almost a year. I guess there isn't really much else I can say though, I really need to just try it and find out I suppose! I'm putting all my hope in that not having to use condoms anymore will fix the problem as he seems adamant they are the problem.. I think he was saying he wasn't attracted to me as an excuse as other times he'll say he is attracted to me.. but that's the thing, I really don't know. I don't know if he finds me sexually attractive or not. I get mixed signals from him ALL THE TIME.

December 4, 2013

elbe - Oh no no, he has no problem with getting an erection with other things! I do give him blowjobs and handjobs and he enjoys them immensly and has absolutely NO problem in finishing when it comes to that stuff, it is literally just the sex..

Edited December 4, 2013 by RosieDunne

December 4, 2013

I am going to try any contraceptives I can as an alternative. I wanted to post here to get some opinions before hand, I hoped people would reassure me it could be fixed but now I'm not so sure haha! I'm going to do whatever I can nonetheless, I'm just kind of nervous about it and trying to get the courage to do it. There's an open clinic near where I live that's also a sexual health place so I'm thinking I just go in and ask about getting the injection? The thing is, once the injection is in it can't come out and if the side effects are anything like last time I could just make this matter incredibly worse. So I'm a bit worried about it, especially as the effects don't wear off for almost a year. I guess there isn't really much else I can say though, I really need to just try it and find out I suppose! I'm putting all my hope in that not having to use condoms anymore will fix the problem as he seems adamant they are the problem.. I think he was saying he wasn't attracted to me as an excuse as other times he'll say he is attracted to me.. but that's the thing, I really don't know. I don't know if he finds me sexually attractive or not. I get mixed signals from him ALL THE TIME.

Depo has horrible side effects

I'd recommend trying the stick they insert in your arm.

I currently have IUD and bad side effects I'm gonna switch my friend is completely fine with the stick

Depo makes you have your period constantly after the medicine wears off

December 4, 2013

Oh god really? I was literally just looking at opening times tomorrow to think about having it done! There are two types of injection though aren't there, maybe the other one's better? I am a bit worried about getting it but I don't really know what else I can do. The idea of the coil just makes me feel ill, I don't like the idea of having it inside me and I think it would put me off during sex As for the stick I've never heard of that? How does that work? I wouldn't mind having something in my arm so much haha!

December 4, 2013

Just had a look at some info about the stick - it costs a lot of money though? I can't really afford that and the injection's free! Plus I know it works as his ex had it and he wouldn't be able to refuse not wearing a condom then!

December 4, 2013

Just had a look at some info about the stick - it costs a lot of money though? I can't really afford that and the injection's free! Plus I know it works as his ex had it and he wouldn't be able to refuse not wearing a condom then!

Lets just hope he's doesn't have some great fear of STDs...

December 4, 2013

haha well if I take him to get checked out so he's not nervous about it then we can know for sure if he doesn't have any and then hopefully he won't have a fear anymore and we won't need to use condoms, problem solved...? I hope! Why are things never that easy..

December 4, 2013

Yeah didn't you mention he fears giving you an STD?

But he's okay with bjs?

I think that he is making excuses...

As for the depo vs the stick

Do you have health insurance? it wouldn't make sense ones free and ones not...

December 4, 2013

oh sorry, I thought it was you I spoke about that with earlier but it was someone else! Yeah, he does have a bit of a fear about STDs but he hasn't been checked because he doesn't really know where to go/doesn't want to/can't be bothered... I don't really know how to convince him to go and get checked? Although it's evident he wants to as he's mentioned it many times saying he really wants to get checked as he's worried about giving me them! I've never done it before either so I don't really know what to do..

And oh do they both cost?? When I was reading about the injection on the NHS website it was saying it was free, but maybe that's only while you're still covered by health insurance I'm 19 now so have to pay for prescriptions, do you think that will cost as well then? Don't suppose you have any idea roughly how much it costs do you?

December 4, 2013

You are avoiding the possibility that he is worried you will give him the infection.

December 4, 2013

oh no, I didn't mean that! It's just because he said to me he was worried about him giving me one because he'd been with quite a few people before me and it was possible he had one because of that. Also, it's quite unlikely I could give him one because if I'm entirely honest, I was a virgin when I met him which may also be one of the reasons he maybe doesn't see me sexually enough? I regret ever telling him I was a virgin as it made him look down on me and he couldn't understand why I hadn't and he basically told me I should have just done it with someone by now - that makes me worried that I'm maybe not very good at it? Plus I thought that was incredibly rude of him. I hadn't slept with anyone because I hadn't wanted anyone, but now that I do, I can't have him...

December 4, 2013

elbe - Oh no no, he has no problem with getting an erection with other things! I do give him blowjobs and handjobs and he enjoys them immensly and has absolutely NO problem in finishing when it comes to that stuff, it is literally just the sex..

At any rate, this data should be enough to assure you that all of whatever is going on is wholly independent of you.

22yo guys are NOT that complex. Were he not into you, you would see him making it clear (in one way or another) that he was sending his romantic attention elsewhere.

And I can't stress enough how intricate the male wiring is... and the seeming concentration/focus needed during that brief moment when one takes his mind off of the (warm, naked female body nearby) and directs his attention to the condom, could possibly throw-off the wiring of a 22yo guy.

HOWEVER, that is still no reason at all for a young female (esp. one not on birth control) to refrain from insisting upon condom use.

December 4, 2013

The best thing you can do in this situation is to go No Contact. Delete his phone number, block him on facebook and never contact him again.

December 4, 2013

No guy has a fear of stds or getting a girl pregnant thats so deep seeded he'll lose an erection during sex. It's just a common excuse when theres some other problem at play. It doesn't make any sense in his case especially since the one time he went without a condom was the one time he was fully functional.

It sounds like he's into you but just not broken in when it comes to vaginal sex with a condom. I remember before my first time I thought it was going to be 10x better than masturbation based on how everyone talked about it but it was kind of a letdown to be honest. The feeling was a lot different then i was used to and I found it very difficult to cum. Took me a while to adapt myself to the new and different sensation. If he would just work at it and not get all sensitive and butthurt he might have better luck but it sounds like he's a bit lazy in that department.

December 4, 2013

Yeah, he does have a bit of a fear about STDs but he hasn't been checked because he doesn't really know where to go/doesn't want to/can't be bothered... I don't really know how to convince him to go and get checked? Although it's evident he wants to as he's mentioned it many times saying he really wants to get checked as he's worried about giving me them! I've never done it before either so I don't really know what to do..
And oh do they both cost?? When I was reading about the injection on the NHS website it was saying it was free, but maybe that's only while you're still covered by health insurance I'm 19 now so have to pay for prescriptions, do you think that will cost as well then? Don't suppose you have any idea roughly how much it costs do you?

Make an appointment to talk to the nurses at the clinic. Make a list of all of these questions you have, and bring it with you to your appointment: STD screening, help in how to convince your boyfriend get tested, how to make condoms less "unbearable" to him (they have super thin ones, non-latex ones, etc--maybe they could advise you on some that wouldn't trigger his issues--as well as techniques to put it on without him losing his erection), cost and side effects of different types of hormonal contraception. They will the answers and can walk you through everything. They are usually very nice & helpful, especially to people who are eager to learn about safe sex, so please don't worry about going.

That said, your boyfriend sounds like an ass.

December 4, 2013

OP:

Sexual hang-ups at 22-23 does not bode well for a LTR. Much ado about nothing really if he is just lazy and would rather have sex the way he wants it. I have actually talked to guys who say they only like oral on them because it is too much work to have to screw a woman. They actually have to move. Laziness may be his problem because as Gaius said nothing keeps someone that young from maintaining an erection. I could still keep an erection at 40 if a hurricane was bearing down on us, a serial killer was standing over the bed and the house was on fire.

Not even kidding a little bit,

G

p.s. Hie fixation on the condom is just his way of not having to perform or a temper tantrum he is throwing so you will say he doesn't have to use one. Also, not having sex in a 2 year relationship is criminal imho. I don't know that I would want a partner who isn't sexually giving especially with making love. There is a lot of intimacy you lose when you lose that act. It is the core of all others in a healthy committed relationship imho.

Edited December 4, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

December 4, 2013

silly girl, he's cheating on you and he has sex with a women unprotected or the condom broke. remember i told you first.

the only way to make him have sex with you again is

you BOTH have to go take a STD test and you have to PHYSICALLY go with him. On the upside, he knows he owns you.

With that said; if you want to really destroy his mind, you have to start actively cheating on him, not once or twice, but over and over again, preferably with the same guy.

I know, I did the same thing with my EX, EX, EX, EX, boy did she make me suffer for it. I wasn't cheating though, I just had a one night stand and the condom broke and I didn't want to have sex with her until I had a STD test (I cared) but she took it as a sign that I was cheating, I didn't love her, so she went ahead and fell in love with someone else and left me and contacts me now ever year to say hello after we broke up but acts like we never dated and were estranged friends from college. Weird EX. Also I would of kept having sex with her if I would of got the test or if she would of made me, I should of told her, she would of stayed and I would of married her but thats just me. But yeah

your guy is definately having sex with someone else unprotected.

Edited December 4, 2013 by loverman25

December 4, 2013

Sincereonlineguy - Thank you for reassuring me I'm still not sure though, the fact he once said to me that he sometimes sees me more as a friend.. it scares me because to me that screams that he's not sexually attracted to me. And don't worry, we do always use one, I'm just trying to find alternatives so we don't have to!

RDawg - thank you for your suggestion but I really don't think that will work at all, as I said the problem here is I'm still crazily in love with him and he loves me too and treats me like I always wanted, it seems stupid to throw all that away. Plus I literally wouldn't be able to do that, after about a week I'd miss him like mad and come crawling back.

That being said, I have been thinking recently about perhaps suggesting to him that we take a break? Not a permanent one, just for a month or so to show him that I'm serious and a few things need to change, however I'm scared he'll just say fine and then never talk to me again and we won't get back together after it. I really don't want to break up, I just want a break to show him that he would miss me if I was gone (I hope) but what if he doesn't? And we break up and it's all my fault.. I just want to show him I can be in control more, I don't really want to take a break at all I'd miss him like crazy.

Gaius - he's definitely broken into it! I was the one that was a virgin before this relationship where as when I first met him one of my friends referred to him as a 'sexual predator' saying that when he was uni he pretty much had sex with any girl he could find... makes me think those aren't the actions of a man who doesn't like sex?? He did admit to me though that a few of those times it didn't work with the condom either which makes me relieved to think it's not just me he's had that problem with? However I do believe you're right about the pleasure thing, I think he gets so much pleasure from other things that he doesn't want to have sex because it in no way measures up to the pleasure he could be having... but it's not fair on me

AMusing - thank you very much for your advice, I will do that, I'm just not really sure where those clinics are.. apparently they have them in the hospital? It would be a massive help to go to an appointment I think I'd feel incredibly relieved to have all my questions answered! And haha, thank you I think he's a bit of an arse too! problem is I still love him

Grumpybutfun - I think you may be spot on with that one - he is INCREDIBLY lazy when it comes to sex.. he always ALWAYS makes me go on top even when sometimes I want him to go on top and I ask him and he says no he doesn't want to because it's too much effort and I'm the one who wanted to have sex anyway so I should be the one making the effort... so lovely of him right? He just never makes an effort when it comes to it and positions that feel good for ME he doesn't like so he makes me change so it feels good for him and then I'm not enjoying it as much and I just feel like the whole thing is about HIM and not me at all.. even when I'm enjoying it and close to finishing he won't let me if he's not having a good time which in a way is fair enough but I think that's incredibly hard on me because then I'm left feeling SO frustrated and he does sometimes offer to finish in other ways but having being stopped having sex by him I then don't want him to.. it's all just very selfish on his part I feel. Also, I love your analogy about the temper tantrum haha that does actually sound exactly right, like he's using this condom thing as an excuse to get his own way and what he wants. I think it's criminal too! But he doesn't seem to understand the problem and still thinks he is the one in control of this relationship...

loverman25 - I know this sounds naive as you'll say there's no way I can know but I really don't think he's cheating on me. There are several reasons I think that - 1 because he's WAY too lazy to have an affair and I know for a fact that he sits in front of his computer all day 2 - he cheated on his ex as a way of breaking up with her as he didn't know how to tell her so cheated on her and then told her. I feel like if he was cheating on me he'd do the same thing and tell me to get rid of me easy. 3 - we were actually living together until a few weeks ago in a completely different city and he never ever left the house except with me because he didn't want to.. makes it kind of hard to have an affair at least! 4 - he still treats me the same, he's kind and loving to me and if he was cheating on me I think it would be incredibly hard for him to be that intimate with me, he would surely distance himself? That being said, there is a part of me that's scared maybe he's found someone else, or is talking to someone online or is maybe considering an affair.. I can't be in his head so I don't know what he's thinking but it is something that scares me because I don't know how I'd recover from that Also, the reason he's worried about the std thing I think is because of his past sex record, not his current one - I don't think he's cheating on me unprotected or protected

December 4, 2013

At the end of the day, you cannot change his behavior by trying to persuade him since you have tried it numerous times already. So what are you going to do? Bend over backwards to please him putting your own mental health at risk? Give up on having a healthy sex life? Move on?

December 4, 2013

I think you've nailed it, he's lazy and not a giver. So, in the past, he's had any girl he wants. Bet he never worked too hard for it, and bet none of them lasted very long.

But, please get both of you in for testing. Can't believe he's so lazy as to not care about his own health (or yours). HSV 2 can be transmitted to your mouth, so oral sex should never have occurred without a clean bill of health on both of you.

I think the break is a good move; I wish you luck!

December 4, 2013

silly girl, he's cheating on you and he has sex with a women unprotected or the condom broke. remember i told you first.

the only way to make him have sex with you again is
you BOTH have to go take a STD test and you have to PHYSICALLY go with him. On the upside, he knows he owns you.

With that said; if you want to really destroy his mind, you have to start actively cheating on him, not once or twice, but over and over again, preferably with the same guy.

I know, I did the same thing with my EX, EX, EX, EX, boy did she make me suffer for it. I wasn't cheating though, I just had a one night stand and the condom broke and I didn't want to have sex with her until I had a STD test (I cared) but she took it as a sign that I was cheating, I didn't love her, so she went ahead and fell in love with someone else and left me and contacts me now ever year to say hello after we broke up but acts like we never dated and were estranged friends from college. Weird EX. Also I would of kept having sex with her if I would of got the test or if she would of made me, I should of told her, she would of stayed and I would of married her but thats just me. But yeah

your guy is definately having sex with someone else unprotected.

I was thinking the same thing to be honest

Don't condone you telling her to cheat though

December 4, 2013

RosieDunne,

Your bf sounds like a total life-less dud. Forget about the sex, just listen (most recent post) to how you characterize him. Not flattering at all. You deserve better.

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2yr boyfriend won't have sex with me, worried he doesn't find me sexually attractive?

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