2yr boyfriend won't have sex with me, worried he doesn't find me sexually attractive?

December 2, 2013

Ok so I've been mulling this problem over in my head for longer than I care to think about. We have been together a year and a half now and I care for him deeply, we have a great time, he's loving and affectionate and he often tells me how beautiful and lovely I am. He's 22 and I'm 19.

The problem is, I'm worried he doesn't find me sexually attractive. From the very beginning he's not really been interested in sex at all, I have to push him to get it and in the year and half we've been together we can only have had sex about 6 times. Most of those times he's had to stop half way through because he 'isn't feeling it.'

But I have to emphasize that we do other sexual things a perfectly healthy amount and it's always incredibly pleasurable for both of us and he often initiates those things, it's just the sex he has a problem with.

He's spent all this time using excuses like "I'm tired" "not in the mood" "worried about getting you pregnant" "worries about giving you an std" (he's not checked) and most commonly "I can't feel anything through the condom" to avoid having sex with me. He's now stuck to that one excuse - that he can't feel anything, and I'm worried he may have erectile dysfunction because he has no problem keeping it up when I do other things to him, everything else works perfectly, it's just when it comes to sex he can't do it or keep it up and we have to finish in other ways. He says he literally can't feel anything and he has to force me to stop which is very frustrating when I CAN feel it and I feel incredibly rejected and low after these constant rejections.

Since being with him my self esteem has hit rock bottom because I feel like I'm simply not good enough for him, every time I try and make any moves or try to initiate anything sexual he'll just brush it off or if I bring up the subject he'll get angry. I've tried to talk to him about it but again he just gets really angry and forbids me to bring it up.

I'm thinking about going to the doctor and perhaps asking about it for him seeing as he won't go? But recently things have changed as he's started to blame it on me which is incredibly hurtful and I'm unsure if he means it or not because he keeps alternating between excuses and saying it's my fault and then saying it isn't. He once said he can't feel anything or have sex with me because he's simply not sexually attracted to me which hurt me incredibly. He says he finds me beautiful and attractive, but that there's no spark. He says he finds me too cute and adorable and it's difficult to see me in a sexual light.. but he has no problem doing other sexual things, we'll often do foreplay which he enjoys, it's just the sex he has a problem with so how can that be?? So now I'm really upset and self conscious because I don't know if the problem is actually ME or if he does some kind of erectile dysfunction related with condoms???

Is it me? I'm making considerable effort to be less 'cute' and more sexy where I can but it just doesn't seem to be having any effect and he keeps telling me he 'doesn't want me to change' so I'm getting totally mixed signals. I haven't brought up this issue for over 5 months now, and nothing has happened. It's as simple as that. He tells me off for talking about it, telling me to stop pushing it but then when I do stop 'pushing it' the issue just gets totally ignored and I'm left coping with it on my own unable to talk to him or anyone about it. I'm just really upset and feel utterly rejected and it's having horrible impacts on our relationship and we have both considered leaving each other. The thing is, we have an amazing relationship otherwise, this issue just creates all kinds of tension because I have a year and a half of rejection and frustration built up which makes me argumentative and angry. Please help me, what do I do??? I do not want to leave him, everything else is so perfect it makes me so upset to throw it away over something so stupid. But it's not stupid anymore, it really is affecting everything about the way I look at and feel about our relationship.

Oh, and he also mentioned how "sex used to work with his ex" which made me really angry and feel even worse about myself because it made me think really I am the problem and I'm not attractive enough and he doesn't fancy me??? But the thing is, she had the contraceptive injection so they never used to have to use condoms, where as with me he does have to use them and that's what makes him unable to feel anything. So do you think the problem is me or the condoms? I'm considering getting the injection myself to find out for good but I've taken the pill in the past and it caused me incredible mood swings due to having depression in the past so I'm worried about having the same side effects with the injection and not being able to remove it.

Do you think the problem is that he really doesn't find me sexually attractive or that maybe he has some kind of erectile dysfunction? I really need to know what to do now I'm devastated over this issue to the point of insanity.

Apologies for the long post but I'm really desperate!

Edited December 3, 2013 by RosieDunne

December 3, 2013

There are many different types of birth control pills with different side effects or none. You just have to try them. Talk to your gyn.

December 3, 2013

Since being with him my self esteem has hit rock bottom[/b] because I feel like I'm simply not good enough for him, every time I try and make any moves or try to initiate anything sexual he'll just brush it off or if I bring up the subject he'll get angry. I've tried to talk to him about it but again he just gets really angry and forbids me to bring it up... he's started to blame it on me which is incredibly hurtful
He once said he can't feel anything or have sex with me because he's simply not sexually attracted to me which hurt me incredibly.
Is it me? I'm making considerable effort to be less 'cute' and more sexy where I can but it just doesn't seem to be having any effect.
He tells me off for talking about it, telling me to stop pushing it but then when I do stop 'pushing it' the issue just gets totally ignored and I'm left coping with it on my own unable to talk to him or anyone about it. I'm just really upset and feel utterly rejected and it's having horrible impacts on our relationship and we have both considered leaving each other.
The thing is, we have an amazing relationship otherwise...I do not want to leave him, everything else is so perfect it makes me so upset to throw it away over something so stupid.
Oh, and he also mentioned how "sex used to work with his ex" So do you think the problem is me or the condoms? I'm considering getting the injection myself to find out for good but I've taken the pill in the past and it caused me incredible mood swings due to having depression in the past so I'm worried about having the same side effects with the injection and not being able to remove it.
Do you think the problem is that he really doesn't find me sexually attractive or that maybe he has some kind of erectile dysfunction?
I'm devastated over this issue to the point of insanity.

First of all - I am so sorry you have had to go through this, especially for such a long time. I know what sort of horrible effect such situations can have on your self esteem.

Second - YOU ARE NOT the problem. Trust me. Stop blaming yourself. You have been an incredibly patient and caring gf for this guy and all he does is blame you and refuse to even talk about the issue let alone seek help for it.

I don't know what the reasons are for HIS problem, maybe he is depressed, maybe he has pregnancy anxiety, maybe he really isn't very sensitive down there - (I don't know about that though, maybe the guys can answer about how it feels with and without a condom), maybe he is actually gay and hasn't come to terms with his sexuality. Anyway, the point is, the reason isn't important - what is important is that he makes you feel awful, he gets angry at you, he is not considering your needs and how important it is for you to sort this out, and he won't even try to seek help for it or acknowledge your pain. It is awful that he says the things to you about sex working with his ex and that he blames you and tells you that he's not sexually attracted to you...

Please don't let this damage your self-esteem!!! This is just ONE guy out of MILLIONS of young guys that would LOVE to be with you and have sex with you. You are a young caring woman and you deserve someone who will make you feel good about yourself, treat you with respect and kindness, and take your needs seriously.

You say you don't want to leave him - but what are the other options?

Would he consent to an open relationship - where you can have your sexual needs satisfied by someone else? How important is sex to you? Could you go without it?

From what I have read I can't help but hope that you leave him and open up the possibility of meeting someone who will be a much better fit for you.

December 3, 2013

RosieDunn:

Are you sure he isn't a closeted gay man?

G

December 3, 2013

Condoms could easily be the issue. Yes it could be that simple, and have nothing to do with your attractiveness.

The type of condom and more importantly how it is put on is very important. If it is not put on right or when there is not a full erection there can be problems. It is possible to feel almost noting but slight pressure when entering the vagina with an improperly fitted condom.

If it has happened more than once then he might have "condom anxiety failure". Any time he smells that latex or even when its time to put that thing on....The erection will go down with no controlling it whatsoever.

Here is a little tip. Get behind him, sitting up with your legs straddling him. Embrace him with your body, kiss him on the back of the neck and give him a hand job. You might not get it right at first, so ask him to jerk himself off with you embracing him and pay attention to how much pressure he uses, the rhythmic intensity and depth of strokes. When he is getting closer to coming that is when you take over. Be carfulll because when he orgasms, there will be semen shooting out everywhere.

Once he has had a few positive experiences like that, it can totally change his attitude. Make sure you are being taken care of as well. If he gives you masturbation by inserting his fingers and making a "come here" motion with his fingers, don't let him stop until you are satisfied and his arm is numb from muscle fatigue:laugh:.

December 3, 2013

Thank you so much for your responses, it means a lot to get some help on this!!

millymollymandy - thanks so much for your sympathy on this, I have tried to stop blaming myself but it's impossible to when he's constantly blaming me I've made him out to be this really horrible guy though, he's not at all, he's incredibly loving in other ways and has built my self esteem up in other ways, but when it comes to this I just feel totally defeated. I know I don't really have any options here but I'm hoping I can somehow change this, do you think it's possible at all? Perhaps I just need to make way more effort to appear in a more sexual light towards him and then maybe he'll come round? Do you or anyone have any advice or tips on that? I did actually mention becoming a prostitute on the side as a joke to satisfy those needs and was really offended to hear him say "yeah you should do that it would make you less crazy." It really angers me when he calls me 'crazy' on this issue - he's also described me as sex crazed and a nymphomaniac which is a load of rubbish because a.) I hardly ever bring it up, but when I do I get called these names b.) I've stuck with him despite spending nearly TWO YEARS without sex, so if that makes me 'sex crazy' he's totally deluded because I wouldn't have lasted that long if I was. Anyway, another time he spoke to me he was really apologetic and sympathetic towards me, acknowledging what he'd made me give up and saying how sorry he was for causing me this kind of hurt. So he does understand what he's doing to me. He also said he's worried he's really damaged me and he's constantly saying how I deserve better than him. But I don't, I want him. It's so frustrating that he knows this is an issue but still won't let me have him. Sex is important to me but I've been without it this long that I've kind of given up on it, the idea of it just makes me feel rejection now. So I want to stick with him and hope that we can fix it. Plus I love him to pieces so I really don't want to go anywhere - it's incredibly hard

To everyone who suggested he may be gay - I did actually consider this myself, but I'm entirely sure he isn't. He watches porn on a very regular basis and none of it is anything that would suggest he was gay - all massive boob stuff, he has an obsession with large breasts - something that I can never quite measure up to. I'm worried this may be the core of his problem as he is very obsessed with them and I'm afraid perhaps he's not sexually attracted to me because mine aren't big enough? He has assured me this is not the case, but I'm not sure. I also wondered if maybe the excessive porn may be a cause of this issue? I mentioned it to him once before, asking him if maybe he could refrain from watching it for a week or so and perhaps build up that energy for me, he tried twice and failed within a day of me being gone. He also highly enjoys other things we do so I know for sure he's not gay.

Smartdude - thank you so much for your suggestions, I will certainly try that! Although he tends to prefer it when he can see the front of me (related to what I said above) so he can play with them haha! But this condom anxiety problem is something I'm pretty sure may be affecting him, he does so well in other areas, it's just as soon as that condom comes out it's like everthing's ruined. Do you think there's any way I could convince him to see someone about it? I have mentioned it to him a couple of times before, approaching the issue very delicately as I know it's not an easy thing for a man to admit and I was really nice about it but he just brushed it off and said no and said he wasn't the issue, I was the one with the problem. Which is just not true. As a man, do you have any suggestions as to how I could approach it with him? Thing is, I'm very wary to bring this up again as it always results in a massive fight and I really don't want one.

December 3, 2013

Geez, youuuuuuuuuuuuuu need to draw a big, dark LINE which separates the totally absurd idea that it could be you... from the extreme probability that he has erectile dysfunction.

So STOP seeing yourself as any part of the problem here. Just STOP it.

His own insecurity and deep FEARS about E.D. are surely snowballing and magnifying everything.

He's like the old train, only he says: " I think I can't... I think I can't... I think I can't... "

and of course he's too embarrassed to ever look into it medically.

The core problem is probably only 10% of the end results/effects... the rest is his own having allowed it to SNOWBALL as it has.

But for heaven's sake... stop this instant thinking this is any measure of your appeal as a woman!!!!

December 3, 2013

At the two year mark, who uses the excuse 'I might give you an STD'?! Why hasn't he been tested?

How could you have even had sex (however few times) with someone of this mindset? He certainly has ever excuse in the book covered. He's hiding something - gay, ED, porn addict, any combination of these. He needs help; it's not you. Do not let him blame you for his problem!

December 3, 2013

Smartdude - thank you so much for your suggestions, I will certainly try that! Although he tends to prefer it when he can see the front of me (related to what I said above) so he can play with them haha! But this condom anxiety problem is something I'm pretty sure may be affecting him, he does so well in other areas, it's just as soon as that condom comes out it's like everthing's ruined. Do you think there's any way I could convince him to see someone about it? I have mentioned it to him a couple of times before, approaching the issue very delicately as I know it's not an easy thing for a man to admit and I was really nice about it but he just brushed it off and said no and said he wasn't the issue, I was the one with the problem. Which is just not true. As a man, do you have any suggestions as to how I could approach it with him? Thing is, I'm very wary to bring this up again as it always results in a massive fight and I really don't want one.

It might NOT help to use words and logical arguments in a rational manner.

You may have to just be creative and brave. Grab his penis while kissing...Tell him you just want to play around, and that you don't want sex right now. TAKE CONTROL! You just need a few positive experiences with him uncovered. and he will most likely respond and THEN he may open up emotionally and admit that he does have some problems(in time).

Don't try to assign blame or be to proud, that will kill everything. Watch a lesbian porn video and talk about the various techniques that women use to please themselves. Do everything except intercourse with the condom. LEARN NEW THINGS TOGETHER!

Sex for both of you has become traumatic and tense. I know it sounds cliche' but it sounds like both of you need to relax when it comes to sex.

Hope this helps. Every situation is different, so I am just shooting in the dark here. My advice may not fit your situation.

December 3, 2013

Smartdude - once again, thank you so much for your input, you are a big help!! I have tried this subject from every approach so already ended up not being rational or logical and just downright arguing about it and telling him it isn't fair, but I hate to do this and I really don't want to fight with him if I don't have to, especially as things are so difficult with us at the moment. However, your advice about taking control sounds so spot on - he's always telling me he wants me to be more in control and push him around because men like to be put in their place apparently, so it is definitely something I need to improve on not just in the bedroom but in every day life too, I find it difficult to be the one in charge, especially having been rejected by him so many times. But your suggestions really help, I think I know some things I can try, don't suppose you have any other suggestions on how to be more in control? Also, we have actually tried that porn thing, I'd been suggesting it to him for ages that we watch it together as I thought it would help him be more aroused and he finally agreed to it but the problem is we watched it while trying sex and as usual, it wasn't working and he kept telling me off during sex saying I wasn't doing it right and just generally blaming me because he couldn't feel anything So basically that night ended up horribly and I think I ruined the idea of us watching porn together again completely for him :/ Maybe I need to be more in control here and just put it on and start doing things to him that he does enjoy.. or do you think that will make it worse? Anyway, thank you so much, we definitely do need to both relax and experiment with other things, I'm a bit nervous when it comes to it now because of how he's made me feel over the years and I'm worried I'll do things wrong but I really want some new things to try if you have any suggestions?

MidwestUSA - Thank you for your advice! He only hasn't been checked before because he's worried to go, he's mentioned it many times while being with me that he wants to go and get himself checked out but he's embarassed to go, worried he might have something and I think sheer laziness comes into it as well. I know it's bad, he should have been checked before really if he's worried about giving me something but quite honestly I don't think he can be bothered. How do I convince him to go?? I have suggested going with him but he just forgot about the issue. I'm fairly sure he has nothing and to be fair I've never been checked either, I don't know how to go about it... I think we're both a bit naive/nervous about where to go..

SincereOnlineGuy - Thank you so much for your support!!! I really really want to believe you and take your advice but because of the amount of times he's told me it is my fault I can't help but believe it until I get any evidence otherwise. Do you really believe it isn't me? Because that's a huge relief to hear, I thought I'd have people telling me it's obviously my fault and he's just not attracted to me, but surely then other things wouldn't work? I don't know, he just said he doesn't really feel the 'spark' between us and what if we just don't have chemistry?? I'm glad that you agree it's likely to be another problem though, I really DO think he has ED, all the symptoms match and it sounds EXACTLY like him. But I don't know how to get him to go to the doctor?? Please help!

December 4, 2013

I feel like everyone has dodged the fact that 2 years is a long time and a barrier for sexual frustration. Every relationship has sexual problems at 2 years. The question is whether or not the relationship survives this trial period.

He is probably masturbating excessively or at least when he is horny because it can get kind of boring having the same partner for that long. You have to find a way to turn him on again through seduction.

The talk about him having erectile dysfunction at 22 is absurd.

December 4, 2013

Very strange. It sounds like he sees you as a friend rather than lover. Maybe he does. If that's the case, is that the kind of relationship you want from a boyfriend? I don't think many women would find it satisfactory.

I sense something is not right. Maybe he is gay or maybe he has some health problem. However, he has said he is not sexually attracted to you. I know that must be very upsetting, but the solution is to leave him and find someone who is. It baffles me really why he is staying in a relationship if he feels that way. He sounds a very mixed up guy to me and I'm not surprised this is affecting you badly. I think counselling might help you because you are dealing with an unusual situation with your significant other and it would help to work it through with an independent person.

December 4, 2013

elbe - the problem is, this isn't 2 years in at everything being good and then going bad, the thing is that this has been an issue from day 1 - he has been unable to have sex with me properly more than twice in this whole relationship, the other 5 times or so we've had to stop half way through. And a man can get ED at almost any age, especially in the 20's, I did a lot of research on it because I was feeling so self conscious and low and it's actually incredibly common at his age. I don't think he's bored because he's never really been with me sexually that much - well he has in other ways, but not for sex. Maybe he's bored of the other things we do? I am trying to think of ways to spice it up but as I say it's incredibly difficult when the topic makes me feel this low

December 4, 2013

spiderowl - ok now I just feel devestated, people's replied were leading me to believe that it wasn't my fault and something that we could fix, but now I feel like it's a lost cause and he really isn't attracted to me... But that is exactly how it is. He actually said to me once he sees me more as a friend than a girlfriend, and I once said the same thing to him. The thing is the sexual spark has never really been there for either of us in a big way BUT I do find him incredibly sexy often and when we do things together sexually that aren't sex I know for a fact we are both sexually attracted to each other and that at those moments he does see me in a sexually attractive way. But without the sex it isn't enough for me.. and I don't think it can be for him either. At first I thought he just had an INCREDIBLY low libido but no guy goes 2 years with hardly any sex right? The thing that turns him off is how he sees me more as cute than sexy he says, so if I can just change that can I change his opinion of me? It is a very difficult situation and it's incredibly hard for both of us. We did almost break up 2 weeks ago actually, it was utterly devestating and I have never felt more heartbroken in my life, it hurt even more than guys I DID have that spark with which made me think he is really special Anyway, the main problem at the moment is distance because I'm at uni and only see him at weekends but that time I hadn't seen him for two weeks so he was feeling distant from me and was thinking of ending it. But as soon as we saw each other that weekend I stayed the whole week and we had the most amazing time and everything is SO perfect in every other way which is what makes it so heartbreaking. It's easy enough to say just leave him, but the problem is we do actually really really love and care about each other. I don't know what to do.

December 4, 2013

elbe - the problem is, this isn't 2 years in at everything being good and then going bad, the thing is that this has been an issue from day 1 - he has been unable to have sex with me properly more than twice in this whole relationship, the other 5 times or so we've had to stop half way through. And a man can get ED at almost any age, especially in the 20's, I did a lot of research on it because I was feeling so self conscious and low and it's actually incredibly common at his age. I don't think he's bored because he's never really been with me sexually that much - well he has in other ways, but not for sex. Maybe he's bored of the other things we do? I am trying to think of ways to spice it up but as I say it's incredibly difficult when the topic makes me feel this low

Trust me when I say this, it is not erectile dysfunction. He just loses his erection during sex? When you did have sex how easily did he get aroused?

December 4, 2013

elbe - how can you be so sure? Thank you for your advice though. And yes it's just sex that he loses his erection, although once we did it very very briefly without a condom and it worked perfectly but obviously he's never doing it again as he's terrified of getting me pregnant. When we do have sex he gets aroused incredibly easily and it's not like he doesn't want to do it with me, he often initiates doing other things with me and they work really well. I have no problem in making him aroused but the second he puts the condom on he just can't do it anymore and he'll lose it and it makes him angry at himself. Sometimes he admits he just can't deal with condoms and sometimes he tries to blame me so I don't know what to think?

December 4, 2013

Is he circumsized?

December 4, 2013

nope, he's not circumsized

December 4, 2013

My first thought was that he's gay.

December 4, 2013

Am I the only one seeing that she said 6 times in 2 years?!?!

regardless of the reason that is unacceptable

I would've left him a long time ago...

.intimacy is an important aspect of a relationship

December 4, 2013

Is it a condom problem then? He initiates sex with you still?

December 4, 2013

lifeunderground - I'm glad you see it as important as I do!! I think it really is ridiculous, and I'm finding it incredibly hard to cope but at the same time I care about him way too much to leave him. It's an incredibly important aspect But he's intimate with me in so many other ways and is caring and loving and does satisfy me in other ways so I feel awful to give up just because of this one issue. But unfortunately it's a really really big issue. When I make him see how bad the problem is and he acknowledges that he's causing me upset he just gets angry and says that 'we're obviously not right for each other then and I should leave him' but I don't want to leave him, I want to fix it. Is it fixable? Or do you think he'll feel like he does no matter what I do?

skela - I had considered that myself, but he definitely isn't. He finds me sexually attractive outside of having sex and he has an obsession with large breasts and watches all kind of definitely not gay porn haha

elbe - it's definitely a condom problem. Everything else is so fine which makes me think if we didn't have to use one the problem would be solved. I think he's relating the fact that it doesn't work with the condom with it not working with ME, but seeing as he was used to a 2 year relationship having sex with his ex WITHOUT a condom, adjusting to using one again with me must have been difficult and I do understand that. It's why I'm considering getting the contraceptive injection she had but I'm worried about similar side effects that I had on the pill (my boyfriend said if I took the pill again he would leave me because it made me so crazy) but I also don't know how to go about getting it... do I just ask my GP?

December 4, 2013

oh, and he doesn't initiate sex with me, no, because he knows it doesn't work. He initiates other sexual things, but not that. I actually have to force him to do it and always regret it because it just ends up in us arguing about it not working.

December 4, 2013

It's actually very frustrating because he'll get me in the mood, initiating things and getting me excited but I know that it hardly ever goes as far as sex which is very dissappointing.

December 4, 2013

Planned parenthood for contraceptives. You will find out quick if it is just the condom issue. 6 times in 2 years is kind of ridiculous. I don't have foreskin so I can't say what is going on but condoms don't ruin it for me at all.

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2yr boyfriend won't have sex with me, worried he doesn't find me sexually attractive?

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