, about many things.

[confusedvagabond]

This is going to be a confusing post. Because I'm trying to sort this out in my head. I have been for months. Anyway, if there's any insight I can get that's good enough for me, or even just getting it off of my chest.

 

I am in a long distance relationship. I am able to see my girlfriend once or twice a month when lucky. I've doubted things for a while. Around a month and a half ago, I broke up with her only to get back together days later. I felt horrible after the decision. Since then I've thought about leaving it, but haven't. I don't know why. I want to be totally sure. I don't know how to find how I truly feel in my heart. My feelings range from feeling pretty good about it, to occasional dread. She is in love with me, and I love her, she is my best friend, but I can tell I've never felt the way about her the way she feels about me. There have been some jealousy issues on her part, and I am constantly asked about other girls, who they are, if I have ever liked someone while with her. Sometimes I just feel I can't fulfill what she needs and that I should be single. I'm going to visit her this weekend for 4 days, it had occurred to me to leave it, but every time it does I put it off, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm not ready or if I really want to leave it. Now I'm thinking of staying with her for the time and going home with her for Christmas.

 

Another sign that the relationship might be bad for me. I sometimes get excited thinking about possibilities of meeting other people. There's a girl that lives in this city now that I get excited to talk to and see. A few nights ago, walking her home from a party, she asked me to come up, I did. She told me to stay, I did, with her in her bed, albeit reluctantly. For whatever reason, nothing happened, not even a kiss. This moment has been constantly in my head since it happened two nights ago. I can tell she is probably not a good catch, just because I feel kind of played around. She's beautiful, but flaky, doesn't always respond to my messages. She's also much younger. If I were to leave my girlfriend and try to get with her, the odds are incredibly low of success. But for some reason, I have the tendency to over think situations like this, and feel like I am falling for someone I shouldn't be falling for.

 

I think what happened the other night might be a symptom of something wrong in the relationship. If I leave the relationship now, I'll be devastated because the memory of the girl will still affect me. The other girl is just a crush, and I don't even think she knows.

 

It just sucks because these are two issues I'm dealing with. My tendency to fall for people fast, not knowing how they feel about me, and not knowing if they're right. And the issue of if I'm right in this relationship. So the real question is, do I push this one girl that I think I have a crush on, out of my mind, decide it's not right for me and then deal with the issue of my relationship?

 

Sorry this is long, confusing and nonsensical, but it helped just to write it out. I just want to right now stop obsessing over the other night.

 

Thanks,

M