Signals and Odd 180 Turn

[BenC]

Hey all,

 

I was hoping for some advice here as I'm in a very confusing situation that I'm not sure what to make of it...

 

So I'll start at the beginning.

 

There was a girl (24 -- I'm almost 29) that I was semi friends with for about 6 months. She lived overseas (1st world for the both of us -- not some 3rd world stuff) and I saw her a few times for a year or so because of a work related event.

 

We casually chatted just to be nice, I think, at first. Then one day we had a real long talk after the event and got to be friends. We laughed a ton and had a good time with each other.

 

Then at later times throughout the following year, we'd hang out for a day or two at a time and always had a blast. We had awesome chemistry together, had real fun times, and really enjoyed each others' company. It was one of those things where we'd never want to end the day because we just kept having fun ... even if there was nothing to do, we'd have a blast.

 

Then we started chatting online and got to know each other a lot better.

 

I was in the middle of a messy divorce with a child custody fight, so the timing really wasn't perfect for a new relationship (and I'm mature enough to recognize that). But one day out of the blue, she asks about dating and how she wants to be with me. I mentioned that I would absolutely jump at the chance of dating her, but I felt like it'd be a bit messy going through all the stuff currently now and would take a few / several months to be in a position where I felt like I could give it my all (I worded this in the nicest of ways).

 

She then asked if I'd want her to wait for me, and I was kind of shocked and said that I didn't think that'd be fair to her. Her initial reaction seemed to be a little disappointed and she asked if I didn't care as much then, so I said that I personally would want her to wait, but I didn't think it was fair of me to have her do that, so she said she'd wait and I could take all the time I need and we'd continue chatting and what not.

 

Anyway, she previously (before this) talked about how she never had an official boyfriend, only dated, and her more serious dates only lasted for 3 months tops. She had a tendency of dating guys that were either unavailable (in other relationships) or not fully into her (using her as a rebound and such), and she didn't seem like the type to get committed, which was why I was shocked that she wanted to all of a sudden jump into it and commit ... she even told some relatives she had that she thought that I was the one.

 

Again, I was a little shocked at her changing her views on all that, but it definitely made me feel super special to say the least.

 

Anyway, after lots of texting, chatting, funny pics back and forth, etc., we had plans of hanging out for a solid week the next time I was down there. She was really excited by the whole thing.

 

But something seemed a little weird a day or so prior to arriving, and at the airport she didn't seem too excited. I brushed it off as a nervousness thing and didn't think a ton of it, as she held hands a lot, cuddled, slept together, etc. -- did all the good signs there.

 

The only thing different was that we didn't seem to have as much fun together as we did before. Like it was still a good time, but before we'd be laughing hysterically, having deep talks, and finding fun out of anything. This time it seemed to be missing a lot of that, and in hindsight I wasn't sure if it was just because I was in a bit of a weird situation and felt like I couldn't fully be there with the divorce and all, if it was because she met another guy that she had a interest in, or if we both were just nervous.

 

There was a slightly awkward goodbye and kiss at the end of the week at the airport where it looked like something was on her mind. I texted her and said that I felt like I didn't give a good enough goodbye and she texted back saying "I don't think there's anything such as a good goodbye -- yours was fine!"

 

Then before I even got back home from my flight, we had a chat online and she said that she didn't think we connected as well that week, and that it frightened her because we connected so well before and over chat ... and that she didn't think she could wait around or date me. The wait around part I could understand, but the fact that she said "couldn't date me" came off as a shocker.

 

So we kind of left it at that, and she said that she'd normally expect to have much stronger feelings after a week and would want to spend every waking minute together, and that she just didn't feel that way so her gut said no to it all.

 

I kind of saw what she was saying, but I think it was more so horrible communication, nerves, and being in a rut that made the week not as spectacular as before.

 

She didn't seem interested in trying anything again after communicating, but left it very clear that she'd be super sad if I didn't talk to her or we weren't very close friends (previously she has gotten sad about trying stuff with other friends, her not wanting them, and then the friends not talking to her again).

 

I kind of felt like it was a little immature but brushed it off as her just being young (24) and not knowing how to handle that stuff or how a relationship works (I was ready after that week to be serious and she went into that knowing that).

 

We had a couple other chats online that went well, and then it was her birthday a week and a half later, and I already ordered some gifts ahead of time that I didn't want to cancel. She knew that they were ordered ahead of time and really appreciated that I had them sent anyway.

 

Well, for the days prior to her birthday and her birthday itself, each time she got a gift, she'd text or call me really excited. We had some great chats, she opened up a bit on her life a bit more, etc..

 

She also later confirmed that there was a guy that she had an interest in before but it didn't effect the outcome that week (not sure if I truly believe that, although I think that she believes her own words).

 

During one of our talks, she broke down crying saying she feels so bad that I'm still so nice to her and not just ditching her completely after what she did to me.

 

She sent some more funny pics of her, we chatted, etc. and things seemed fun like before. But then literally the day after her birthday there was nothing (when during the day she was really excited to talk to me it seemed). I had Thanksgiving here and there was no "Happy Thanksgiving" or anything despite how she was always like that before.

 

I asked if anything was up, and she said she was super tired and emotional after a day of volunteering, and she asked "pretty please with a cherry on top" if we could talk after she got some sleep.

 

A couple days later the final package arrived and there was no thanks or anything (not like her).

 

She's a super kind girl normally, and she values close friendships from what it seems (and gets sad when she loses them), so I find it odd on how it was a complete 180 multiple times.

 

Like at times it seems like she was super excited and wanted to talk, but then other times it's just nothing and she comes off as disinterested only to bounce right back.

 

I since didn't text or call her as I don't want to seem like I'm pestering her, but would completely be open to talking if she wanted to. I think that it's probably for the better as it allows us both a little time to grow individually and get in a better spot. I feel like in a couple / few years, she could grow into an even more awesome person, so part of me wants to stay in touch ... and it's promising with the way she sometimes acts, but other times I almost get into the "screw it" mode.

 

So what do I do? Any advice?

 

Do I not write or call at all and wait for her to initiate something back if at all? Do I casually follow up with something nice after a few weeks if she doesn't? Or just forget about the whole thing as a whole?

 

Not really sure what to make of it all...

 

I'm not sure if she'd take me not texting or calling as a "screw you -- if you don't check up on me you don't like me" (she's had attitudes comparable to that before with other guys that she's told me about) or if it'd give her space and time to find out stuff for herself.

 

And yes, I know the circumstances and distance is huge there, but there was something super special about us before that week ... at least I think...

 

And I normally know how to read girls, but not this one, which makes it even more confusing.

 

Ben

[Axee]

She got confused by your reactions ..

 

Lets see, what do you mean by you cannot date around because of the divorce but you are doing everything like a long distance date would do..

Why are you posting here, if you are not sure that you want a relationship..

 

First ask yourself ..What exactly do you want? Friends , friends with benefits? girlfriend? fun?

 

She is confused herself i guess as she isnt really sure where this is going or wat is happening..

[BenC]

Axee, I don't think that's the case here. And to clarify, I wanted to hold it off from being as serious as she wanted because A) I couldn't see her as much as I wanted to in the middle of a custody fight when she's overseas (that'd be used against me) and B) it'd be MUCH easier after a couple / few months when everything was settled.

 

She knew that, understood that, and knew that I really, really liked her and wanted something serious. We talked about how that week would be kind of an ice breaker to start it more seriously (it already was pretty serious if you look at it in terms of talking for hours a day, etc.).

 

At the time after that week with her and trying things out, I would have been willing to be in a serious relationship right after. But I'm not sure if maybe I sent a wrong signal that turned her away, if there was another guy (there was hints), or what. I realize that part of that is my fault, especially how I was in the awkward situation that I was in, but I don't think she felt like I wasn't ready for her because I was clear in that.

 

But in hindsight, I'm not sure if the relationship would have been doomed if we started then vs. evolving a bit more and growing ourselves individually first and seeing what might come of it in the future.

 

And to clarify, I don't want a friends with benefits or anything like that -- I was looking for something serious at the time, but now I'm hoping for either some chance of that or keeping her as a friend to see how stuff evolves in the future perhaps when we're both more ready (although I'd be willing to be ready now I think).

 

- Ben

[BenC]

Axee, and to clarify a bit more, this initially was more towards the very start of the divorce so I thought just a little time would be smart, and everyone seemed to be on the same page.

[BenC]

Slight update -- after several days of no contact by me, she sent me a text picture of the flowers she got from me awhile ago (pre-ordered for her birthday) about how pretty they look now. Not really much else, so not sure what to make of it or how to respond...

 

Ben

[Axee]

I see that you have 3 options

 

1. Treat her like a friend (with no hopes of turning it into a relationship) and see where it goes..

You need to keep your expectations low and be like a really good friend.

 

2. You can go NC and respond only when she responds..

 

3. You can tell her in a straightforward manner that the timing earlier wasnt right, now it is , and you would like to see how it goes.If she is not ok with that , then lets part ways (or say lets remain friends while actually parting ways)

 

 

But whichever path you choose , you need to be 100% in that path...

[BenC]

Well, it's confusing because of the mixed signals from her. Sometimes she'll go days without anything ... then will text me out of the blue in a happy way ... other times will go days and then she'll randomly text me something that doesn't seem to mean much.

 

Not sure how to read it because she acts a lot different than most...

 

Ben

[BenC]

:: UPDATE ::

 

So I'm not sure if this is a good sign or a bad sign...

 

After a somewhat brief low to no contact, she texts me again and I decide to write back fairly soon after instead of waiting, and she immediately writes back and asks to chat.

 

We had a good talk and talked for about 7 hours straight. 90% of it was just fun stuff like normal, and then she hesitantly admits that she wasn't sure if she should tell me, but she was going on a date and she was afraid how I might take that and that I might not talk to her or be friends with her.

 

I took it fairly well as I suspected that, but then later we got into both of our perspectives when it was called off, and I felt like we really got to see the others' perspective a lot better. She then said she was crying because she never realized my perspective on that and wishes she'd have communicated better so we wouldn't have gone the route that we did.

 

She then says that in the future if we ever date, she thinks we'd be an awesome duo especially with the better openness and communication.

 

Then it kind of goes back into fun talk until we had to go.

 

I'm not really sure what to make of that??? I think that was the same day (or maybe it was the day before) her date, which only a couple / few weeks after the breakup seems a bit out of the blue but I kind of suspected that, which makes it even more odd.

 

So what now? What do you guys make of it? I'm going back and forth between trying to distance myself and trying to be good friends to see where it goes. It's just weird that she seems to cry about it but doesn't seem to talk about being sorry for breaking up or weird about the date ... yet openly talks about how we'd be great on a future date???

 

Ben

[conf]

seems you are the backup plan.

[BenC]

Conf, I'm not sure ... sometimes I feel a little like that and other times not. Not quite sure what to make of it, or how I should act / what I should do either way...

 

Ben

[conf]

She then says that in the future if we ever date, she thinks we'd be an awesome duo especially with the better openness and communication.

 

So, she loves you and now you have better openness and communication but she does not want you at present? In addition she says that in future is possible... Translation: if my first plan failed you will be an option aka plan b.