My own worst enemy...

[veritas lux mea]

Because you take your relationship for granted. Your husband didn't punish you for cheating on him. If he had thrown down an ultimatum you would either see it isn't worth jumping through hoops you would have your answer and lave or you would be trying so hard to win him back you wouldn't think about exMM.

 

 

He may be out of your league on paper but I think you know you can have anything you want and losing him either doesn't seem possible or it's not a big deal because you think he will always be in your life as your friend.

 

Read the other posts, this situation is typical. You are bored and are feeling your free time with sexual thoughts, I do the same thing.

 

If you want answers start asking very critical questions about yourself, the answers are in there you just have to accept what you find. Design your life around who you are and not who you wish to be, the confusion will dry up(if u want to be a cake eater your in the right place and I hope I get to hear the juicy details).

Punish me? Like take away my toys and spank me? Maybe ground me? Or yell and scream obscenities at me?

My husband told me he was sorry I could be someone who did such a terrible thing to him. That I would have to prove by my future behaviour that nothing of the like would happen again. If he even got a whiff of me cheating in the future I shouldn't bother coming home. He also refused to kiss or be intimate with me until I got tested for stds and then waited a while after they came back clean before renewing sexual relations or any touching for that matter. He went through every saved interaction I had with xMM and tried to recover all deleted texts. He has full access to all my things and even my account on here is through his email.

I had stopped primping due to several reasons and since coming clean have made an effort to look sexy for no reason even if we are staying home. I bought new underwear and clothes that he liked. I don't want to look though like I'm trying to make up for my affair because nothing will ever make up for it.

But all the while I still have this lingering wish for more sex than he gives me. And I miss the sex with xMM. I also had a few threesomes during my affair and loved, loved, loved them and I want to do them. I think I have realized a little too late that I am not a monogamous person.

Is it possible to go back? Is it possible to get to a place where I know longer want sex daily?

I know it sounds like I am unhappy but really day to day or when I am actually with my husband I am very happy. But I feel so very guilty for these desires. And I feel guilty for that part of me that wishes I was still having sex with xMM.

[Oldspiceywolf]

Alright,

Sorry if I played my hand too hard.

I know where you are coming from. . . I lost my virginity late(not by choice) and it opened up a crazy whole for sex in me. Unfortunately for me I have a 10 month old and a wife. . . I can't cheat, I can't risk getting caught because I need my daughter to love and respect me so I can help her have the best life possible. My wife and I have sex 4 times a week but usually that two time two days a week because we are crazy busy and the baby makes it hard. Even though we had more than that befor the baby I really don't want sex with her more than that, it's good sex but there's nothing exciting about it even though every session is different, she's still the same and it's not stimulating. We are going to do some tantric lessons, we've also put going to a group masturbation party together(more her thing than mine) but I'm never going to get hall passes.

 

I'm also veryuch into threesome and not the two girls one guy thing, I'm not bi but I love seeing a woman fulfilled in a way one man can't possibly do by himself. I've had the other type too but I'm kinda kinky.

 

I don't know what to tell you I'm in the same situation. I have greAt marriage on paper, a fun supportive wife but when it comes down to it, this is not the life I want but part of me is scared to throw it away to in order to pursue self gratification. If it does end I won't be getting married again, I like having fun and calling my shots way too much.

 

If you know what you need go after it because I cant

[Artie Lang]

maybe it's not even great sex..... it only feels that way because of the illicit nature of the affair itself- it brought a certain "naughtiness" to it.

 

 

by the way, you describe your husband the same way compulsivedancer painted hers..... like he was above it all- the affair, i mean. i'm sorry, but it's just not that easy to get over something like this..... i don't care what anybody says to the contrary- you just don't. no matter how self-assured you think you are.

 

 

you really should like into IC to sort these feelings out.

Edited December 4, 2013 by Artie Lang

[skywriter]

Thank you for your words. I guess maybe I just need more time? It is good to know someone has been where I have and yet managed to move on. What actions did you do to end the A and get over it?

 

 

I confronted him, gave him an opportunity to explain, and he seemed to feel entitled to persue my girlfriends. I knew I needed to move on.

 

I went NC. I had to sit on my hands some days not to reach out to him. I stayed busy, at work and in my off time. it took a good ten months to get him out of my system.

 

Ending the A, opened up the opportunity for someone that has my best interest at heart and wants a future with me. How could that not be better?

[Owl]

I don't think the problem is what he does or doesn't do. There is nothing to ask. I haven't discussed in detail being hung up on missing xMM. Or as is probably true, sex with xMM.

 

Well...how can he possibly be expected to meet your needs if you don't communicate them to him? If he's not what you want in bed...how do you expect him to become what you want if you don't tell him what it is you'd like????

 

Men are NOT mindreaders, contrary to popular belief.

 

You actually have to TELL them things in order for them to understand what it is that you want/need from them.

 

This is the crux of your problem. You're not satisfied with your H...but by the same token, you're not even giving him an understanding of what it takes to do so.

 

Marriage counseling. The two of you need to talk about this, in detail. Both the specifics of what it is you're looking for, and in improving communication overall.

[Artie Lang]

I confronted him, gave him an opportunity to explain, and he seemed to feel entitled to persue my girlfriends. I knew I needed to move on.

 

not to t/j, but did your GF's take the bait?

 

he sounds like a total POS.

[hayleym]

I painted myself in to a corner an here is how I did it...

 

Last year I embarked on a PA. I was inexperienced as I lost my virginity to my husband. I had no idea that one day our mismatched sex drives would be a problem. I had no desire to have sexual relations with any man besides my husband after we met. I never felt tempted or went looking for a cheep thrill. And then my eyes met xMM's and it was like everything from a novel or a movie that I knew to be false and yet, it drew me.

 

The A was short and steamy and yet I wanted more. It felt like it was just developing wings when it crashed down. Hard. I went in to my A with the thought of it being purely physical. Unfortunately my inexperience worked against me and I became very attached to my xMM. Sex, when I got it, with my husband was always over the top passionate and borderline rough. Sex with xMM was slow, sweet and like how one would imagine making love to be. Or so that was my limited perception of it. It seemed orgasms were more frequent and satisfying with xMM. The handful of times we had sex left a huge void inside of me wanting more.

 

It ended because of me. I couldn't handle the conflicting emotions. Instead of allowing for the normal waves of affair relationships, the push and pulls, I got crazier each time xMM pushed. Then add to this my failed compartmentalization with my H. H is my best friend and confidant and I couldn't talk to him about anything. I hinted at some hurt feelings and he noted cool behaviour from xMM as well though he had no idea of the A. In the end I felt all alone. Even though my head would say stop and wait it out, he will be back again, i pushed and pushed him right away. And then I had this gut feeling that a new friend was a "friend". Turns out I was right but she is already gone from his life. I could have outlasted her. I knew that then. I knew I should be silent and wait. Ignore the crazy inside of me but yet I lost all self control.

 

I told my H everything even my confused feelings. I told xMM I was going to because I desperately wanted him to talk me out of it. Instead he just threw me under the bus with his wife (who I was not going to tell) and backed it over me half a dozen times.

 

My husband took it all very well. He only got peeved at xMM for a short bit of time. He still thinks he is a sorry excuse for a man but wishes him no rancor. As to me, he gets it, the forbidden fruit thing and doesn't judge me for it and is glad I told him. I asked him if he wanted to split and he said no that we have a lot of good to work on and as I know my feelings for him are strong.

 

Time has passed and I feel closer to my husband. I don't regret telling him but I do regret how I handled things with xMM and wish I had not put the nails in the coffin of my affair so to speak by pushing him to throw me under the bus. I miss it. I know that is terrible but it is true. I miss so much about it. I remind myself of the emotional roller coaster I was on but now that time has passed I realize if I had just waited it out and not let my insecurities and jealousies get to me we may still be having our fun on the side.

 

I know I will get some heavy comments for this. I am prepared for that. I was just hoping someone else might know what it is like or have been there before me.

 

If you had waited it out he probably would have come back. I would think so, but that would ensure to him he could do that again. If you wouldn't be ok with that situation it's glad you'd out of it.

 

I don't know if you would think my situation is similar or not. I have waited things out with my man.. Not because he's asked but because I was willing to do it, so he does know its ok to pull away sometimes because I've shown him it's fine with me, I have feelings and they do sometimes get hurt when he decides to pull away a bit, but he always comes back and we are always closer because I let him have his space, he's not my husband, I'm not his wife. I don't feel I have a right to complain, I can end it if I feel the need to complain. It's not a relationship it's an affair. Just how I see it.

 

I hope you are doing ok. Not everyone can deal with the ups and downs an affair provides. At least you figured that out, it's too bad it couldn't have happened without a DDay

[skywriter]

not to t/j, but did your GF's take the bait?

 

he sounds like a total POS.

 

 

Artie, actually they came and discussed it with me. I guess, he feels, that women, are all, an opportunity, of sorts.

[emotionlessbutalive]

I will be following your story. Ia m at the same place. Just cant forget the sexy nature of my A and even though I have a good husband. He listens to me take care of me, but sex sucks and I know I can never be satisfied by him. I dont even desire him anymore actually and need sex all the time, but not from him. I didnt explore much before getting married and never had sex where it was romantic and attached... totally miss it. One person who gave me was my A and it ended. Still fantasize of him every single day.

[Owl]

I will be following your story. Ia m at the same place. Just cant forget the sexy nature of my A and even though I have a good husband. He listens to me take care of me, but sex sucks and I know I can never be satisfied by him. I dont even desire him anymore actually and need sex all the time, but not from him. I didnt explore much before getting married and never had sex where it was romantic and attached... totally miss it. One person who gave me was my A and it ended. Still fantasize of him every single day.

 

See my advice to the OP...sounds like you should consider the same actions as well.

[imtooconfused]

OK...so what are you doing to change/fix that within your own marriage?

 

Explored with your H what's missing? Tried to fix the emotional aspects of your marriage?

 

That's your ticket.

 

How do you fix something when you can't find what is broken? And sex has got better and more frequent since my A but my husband is very vanilla. He does different positions but that is it.

 

I wish I'd never experienced sex with xMM. I miss it and I feel terrible for missing it but it was fantastic sex. I think we were just more compatible. I don't know how to fully enjoy sex with husband now and I can't say "xMm did this and I really liked it..." I'm dumb but not that dumb.

 

Reading through this thread and your emotional free association veritas lux mea, I get the strong sense that you thrive on the thrill and excitement of it all rather than the mechanics. I think the attraction to porn is pointing me to that same conclusion, but I could be wrong.

 

But if I am right, perhaps you should have a new affair, with your husband. Sneak around to have illicit romps outside of the house. The opening scene of Four Christmases (easily found by searching youtube) is the best example of this that I can conceive. It's amazing how a change of venue can really mix things up and bring back a thrill that may be otherwise missing.

[veritas lux mea]

I really have been reading this thread over and over. Yesterday I trie really hard to be sexy. I did my hair up, put on a sexy outfit I knew H loved, set the scene and waited for my husband to come to bed. I could tell H was not into it at first but I tried not to be hurt but instead revealed my secret weapon. He immediently reacted and we had great sex. I refused to look at the clock before or after or focus on it being over too fast. I even woke up satisfied.

But then today I got my itch. I kept having to pull my thoughts away from xMM. When I pleasured myself I used porn and not xMM but still. I wanted to use xMM. Whay the f*** is wrong with me?

I want to have sex again tonight but I feel like I would be pushing too hard. I wish there was a cure for a high sex drive!

[imtooconfused]

I certainly sympathize with you and your bad case of mismatched sex drives. But you have to understand that men have been dealing with this for millennia. And in every case, having a high sex drive has never been an excuse that allows a man to have affairs. So you will get no free passes from me, only understanding and a certain measure of compassion.

 

What I can add to this conversation is that the sexual feelings that a human experiences leading up to and during orgasm are the strongest Pavlovian stimuli in the human brain, stronger than the bowl of food that that causes the dog's mouth to water. In the same way, whatever you use to fantasize about during your personal sessions will be strongly conditioned in your mind to be associated with the pleasure that you receive. Therefore it is very dangerous to be fantasizing about the xMM during these times, if you truly want to move past him. And as men have learned even porn can become problematic. Have you tried fantasizing about your husband during your sessions instead of other triggers? It is possible to use your self-loving to rewire your emotions back to your husband if you put xMM behind you and include your H in your fantasies instead.

[emotionlessbutalive]

See my advice to the OP...sounds like you should consider the same actions as well.

 

Hi Owl, me and my husband communicate and he does listen. We have also met counseller. The problem is that, physical chemistry is missing. He doesn't excited me or make me want him. Its an effort for me have sex with him and its quite boring. I fantasize about xMM to release and it has become part of my kife. Even though Dday has happened a long time ago. I have never had carefree sex in my entire life and with the one I have romantic feelings with and there is a void. My husband is a dedicated, caring and good person and he always listen and work on it when I say something. He is a good husband anyone can have and thats a shame that I cannot have this chemistry with him. He is like my best friend I live with. I dont feel like seducing him either...and he doesnt have a sex drive or a libidoto match mone so he doesnt complain either. He had a problem with career and social life and he is doing great with them after we discussed it. Its just this chemistry that doesnt come back. I would never leave him because of this but there is a HUGE void that I live with and if some one else cfills that void I wont be able to stop myself.

[Owl]

Hi Owl, me and my husband communicate and he does listen. We have also met counseller. The problem is that, physical chemistry is missing. He doesn't excited me or make me want him. Its an effort for me have sex with him and its quite boring. I fantasize about xMM to release and it has become part of my kife. Even though Dday has happened a long time ago. I have never had carefree sex in my entire life and with the one I have romantic feelings with and there is a void. My husband is a dedicated, caring and good person and he always listen and work on it when I say something. He is a good husband anyone can have and thats a shame that I cannot have this chemistry with him. He is like my best friend I live with. I dont feel like seducing him either...and he doesnt have a sex drive or a libidoto match mone so he doesnt complain either. He had a problem with career and social life and he is doing great with them after we discussed it. Its just this chemistry that doesnt come back. I would never leave him because of this but there is a HUGE void that I live with and if some one else cfills that void I wont be able to stop myself.

 

Does he know that he doesn't "do it" for you? That he doesn't excite you, and that you still fantasize about xMM?

 

And he's ok with that, and still unwilling to change in spite of this knowledge?

[experiencethedevine]

Well...how can he possibly be expected to meet your needs if you don't communicate them to him? If he's not what you want in bed...how do you expect him to become what you want if you don't tell him what it is you'd like????

 

Men are NOT mindreaders, contrary to popular belief.

 

You actually have to TELL them things in order for them to understand what it is that you want/need from them.

 

This is the crux of your problem. You're not satisfied with your H...but by the same token, you're not even giving him an understanding of what it takes to do so.

 

Marriage counseling. The two of you need to talk about this, in detail. Both the specifics of what it is you're looking for, and in improving communication overall.

 

 

Owl's post gets to the very basis of what communication in a marriage might look like.

 

 

As he states, men are not psychic, and do not necessarily process things in the same way women do.

 

 

A man needs to be informed by his woman quite clearly what it is she wants and needs so that he may have the opportunity to fulfil them.

 

 

The problem we have as women, is that we do sometimes expect our men to automatically KNOW what we want because the assumption is that they KNOW us well enough.

 

 

We should be clear and concise so that understanding on BOTH sides is enabled through effective communication, and the desires of the other half can be addressed.

 

 

It is impossible for one person to meet ALL the requirements of another, that is unrealistic, but we are very fortunate indeed if we can get as close to most of them being met as possible.