My own worst enemy...

[veritas lux mea]

I painted myself in to a corner an here is how I did it...

 

Last year I embarked on a PA. I was inexperienced as I lost my virginity to my husband. I had no idea that one day our mismatched sex drives would be a problem. I had no desire to have sexual relations with any man besides my husband after we met. I never felt tempted or went looking for a cheep thrill. And then my eyes met xMM's and it was like everything from a novel or a movie that I knew to be false and yet, it drew me.

 

The A was short and steamy and yet I wanted more. It felt like it was just developing wings when it crashed down. Hard. I went in to my A with the thought of it being purely physical. Unfortunately my inexperience worked against me and I became very attached to my xMM. Sex, when I got it, with my husband was always over the top passionate and borderline rough. Sex with xMM was slow, sweet and like how one would imagine making love to be. Or so that was my limited perception of it. It seemed orgasms were more frequent and satisfying with xMM. The handful of times we had sex left a huge void inside of me wanting more.

 

It ended because of me. I couldn't handle the conflicting emotions. Instead of allowing for the normal waves of affair relationships, the push and pulls, I got crazier each time xMM pushed. Then add to this my failed compartmentalization with my H. H is my best friend and confidant and I couldn't talk to him about anything. I hinted at some hurt feelings and he noted cool behaviour from xMM as well though he had no idea of the A. In the end I felt all alone. Even though my head would say stop and wait it out, he will be back again, i pushed and pushed him right away. And then I had this gut feeling that a new friend was a "friend". Turns out I was right but she is already gone from his life. I could have outlasted her. I knew that then. I knew I should be silent and wait. Ignore the crazy inside of me but yet I lost all self control.

 

I told my H everything even my confused feelings. I told xMM I was going to because I desperately wanted him to talk me out of it. Instead he just threw me under the bus with his wife (who I was not going to tell) and backed it over me half a dozen times.

 

My husband took it all very well. He only got peeved at xMM for a short bit of time. He still thinks he is a sorry excuse for a man but wishes him no rancor. As to me, he gets it, the forbidden fruit thing and doesn't judge me for it and is glad I told him. I asked him if he wanted to split and he said no that we have a lot of good to work on and as I know my feelings for him are strong.

 

Time has passed and I feel closer to my husband. I don't regret telling him but I do regret how I handled things with xMM and wish I had not put the nails in the coffin of my affair so to speak by pushing him to throw me under the bus. I miss it. I know that is terrible but it is true. I miss so much about it. I remind myself of the emotional roller coaster I was on but now that time has passed I realize if I had just waited it out and not let my insecurities and jealousies get to me we may still be having our fun on the side.

 

I know I will get some heavy comments for this. I am prepared for that. I was just hoping someone else might know what it is like or have been there before me.

[Owl]

I know I will get some heavy comments for this. I am prepared for that. I was just hoping someone else might know what it is like or have been there before me.

 

What, specifically, is your question? What are you hoping to learn, or hoping to improve in your life?

[Beachgirl91]

Yes, if you waited it out you may still be having your fun on the side. You would also be embarking the roller coaster again and right back where you found it so difficult to be. You would also be seriously jeopardizing your marriage. Your husband sounds like a wonderful guy. Why would you want to put him through that again?

[veritas lux mea]

What, specifically, is your question? What are you hoping to learn, or hoping to improve in your life?

 

I have no one to talk about this to. Not in depth anyways. I guess it isn't really a question more of a word vomit. And also wondering if there is anyone else who has been through something similar. And how they changed their feelings on the matter.

[veritas lux mea]

Yes, if you waited it out you may still be having your fun on the side. You would also be embarking the roller coaster again and right back where you found it so difficult to be. You would also be seriously jeopardizing your marriage. Your husband sounds like a wonderful guy. Why would you want to put him through that again?

I'm not going back to xMM or anything. I am just regretting how things ended. And despite myself missing the A. I know I shouldn't. I feel like I should be over him. I really don't know what I feel.

[Owl]

I have no one to talk about this to. Not in depth anyways. I guess it isn't really a question more of a word vomit. And also wondering if there is anyone else who has been through something similar. And how they changed their feelings on the matter.

 

I've not been through it personally...but I've been with my wife through the same thing when she had her EA (emotional affair) with another man, and I know what it took to get our marriage back on track.

 

I can give you some insight on that, if you're interested.

 

If you're wanting to talk about your marriage, your feelings for your H, or how to rebuild that relationship successfully, I can give you insight.

 

If you want to focus on the other man...not much I can do there for ya.

[Mcle]

Most likely you are not really missing the MM. You are missing the way he filled a void in yourself. Affairs, tend to be self destructive coping mechanisms.

 

The question is, what were you using the affair to cope with?

[Oldspiceywolf]

Whoa!

I don't advocate marrying their first with no additional experience and I really don't advocate people getting married to their first Bf/GF without some serious time apart because of this.

 

Just from what you have posted it looks like your will cheat again because you are missing something in your life!

 

What are you missing???? Why do you need tools relationships?

 

Do you want sex or the thrill of cheating?

 

Have you thought about and/or discussed open-relationships, couple swapping, or a hot wife situation, I don't there is anything wrong with any of this if it works for you. Your hubby might like seeing what you can take and it might be such a rush you wouldn't care about affairs but you need a change!

 

I hope you find your road but if you want to cheat again don't! Break up with your man and do what you want without dragging him through your self discovery without his approval to be dragged.

 

You said he's your confidante, well talk to him about how you feel, if it destroys your marriage then it wasn't strong enough to give you what you need but I could provide you with a dynamic that makes you less uncomfortable I your own skin.

[Artie Lang]

like Owl said, what are you willing to do in order to get past these feelings, because you're still romanticizing the affair..... you're still in fantasyland.

 

i also believe your husbands passivity plays a part in you not realizing how really devestating this was to your marriage.

 

i suggest you seek counseling, if you haven't already done so.

[veritas lux mea]

I've not been through it personally...but I've been with my wife through the same thing when she had her EA (emotional affair) with another man, and I know what it took to get our marriage back on track.

 

I can give you some insight on that, if you're interested.

 

If you're wanting to talk about your marriage, your feelings for your H, or how to rebuild that relationship successfully, I can give you insight.

 

If you want to focus on the other man...not much I can do there for ya.

 

I don't know what I want. I would say I want to forget OM even existed. I want to have never met him. I want it to be like before I met him when the only man who sent a thrill through me was my husband. But since tasting what sex was like with the other man I feel so dissatisfied in that one area.

[veritas lux mea]

Most likely you are not really missing the MM. You are missing the way he filled a void in yourself. Affairs, tend to be self destructive coping mechanisms.

 

The question is, what were you using the affair to cope with?

There is a void. The loss of sex and the friendship. But the affair wasn't a coping mechanism. It was more greed than anything I think. And curiosity. I feel now though like I gave a piece of myself to xMM and I know that sounds cliche but it is how I feel.

 

None of this is making any sense I am sure.

[veritas lux mea]

Whoa!

I don't advocate marrying their first with no additional experience and I really don't advocate people getting married to their first Bf/GF without some serious time apart because of this.

 

 

Just from what you have posted it looks like your will cheat again because you are missing something in your life!

 

What are you missing???? Why do you need tools relationships?

 

Do you want sex or the thrill of cheating?

 

Have you thought about and/or discussed open-relationships, couple swapping, or a hot wife situation, I don't there is anything wrong with any of this if it works for you. Your hubby might like seeing what you can take and it might be such a rush you wouldn't care about affairs but you need a change!

 

I hope you find your road but if you want to cheat again don't! Break up with your man and do what you want without dragging him through your self discovery without his approval to be dragged.

 

You said he's your confidante, well talk to him about how you feel, if it destroys your marriage then it wasn't strong enough to give you what you need but I could provide you with a dynamic that makes you less uncomfortable I your own skin.

A lot of people I know have good marriages and didn't test the waters first. I should have known because I so enjoyed porn, masturbation, and erotica that perhaps I am a little sexually insatiable. But I lost interest in those things when I actually became sexually active with my husband then boyfriend. And that lasted for a few years. The the sex slowed down and well, I know my affair didn't help. And it wasn't like it was bad sex I just got a hankering for different sex. I got curious and decided to go for it when xMM showed interest. My plan was to get a little on the side and not tell my husband as when open relationships had ever came up in discussion (about other people not us) H always made it very clear they are not his thing. I can honestly say I would have much rather tried strange with my husband's blessing than not.

I worry now, that talking about my over the top sex drive will put too much pressure on my husband or cause him to doubt my decision to remain faithful (I know too little too late). We have talked about my feelings to some extent but I worry if he knew the depth of them it would be over. So I guess what I am saying is, I'd like to get them dealt with. Even though my first post was just me whining about losing my sex toy.

 

I don't think I'd do an open marriage because apparently I get clingy and attached even with a FB.

 

I'm a mess.

[veritas lux mea]

like Owl said, what are you willing to do in order to get past these feelings, because you're still romanticizing the affair..... you're still in fantasyland.

 

i also believe your husbands passivity plays a part in you not realizing how really devestating this was to your marriage.

 

i suggest you seek counseling, if you haven't already done so.

 

You are right, the affair was over really before it began. There were no dangers or reality checks until I got clingy and he ended it. I got confused very quickly and it escalated fast,

 

I don't agree about the second point. I hurt my husband very deeply. But I got off lucky. It could have been a lot worse. I know i I were to repeat my behaviour I wouldn't get off so lucky the second time. For all my husband's good qualities he can be quite hard and cold when pushed. I have seen it with my own eyes. It ain't pretty. As to our marriage?

 

we don't fight much. tiffs here and there that are over by sunset. well,over almost as soon as they start. Usually with me apologizing for being an over emotional female :S

When we do have sex it is very passionate

we are rarely apart

we talk about everything including my A (though as I previously stated I haven't told him the depth of the turmoil I am in)

we are best friends

 

I don't really know what counselling would do for us. H hasn't suggested it and I really haven't thought about it. I don't know anybody who goes or anything.

[Mcle]

I think you have two choices, one is to bail on your BH to see if the grass is greener elsewhere. The other is to try radical honesty with your BH. It seems like you are afraid that your BH might think you are hung up on the MM. It doesn't sound like you are, you are hung up on your greed and what you think you are missing by being married.

 

If it makes you feel any better many many married people have the same struggle.

[Oldspiceywolf]

You sound like you are at a crossroads of self discovery and your marriage isn't helping that.

You don't sound remorseful for your A and your husband did you a huge disservice with his slap on the wrist R. Would you say he loves you a little more than you love him. . . would you say he once thought you were a little out of his league(at least before the A)?

You just don't respect him, you love him but you don't respect him and you can't be married to someone you don't respect.

For the right type of dude you are the perfect type of wife, you need to look for someone into a HotWife situation.

You could have your best friend/life partner but instead of an open relationship he would take pleasure in seeing you with other men but he would be in control of who you explore with or at least it would be agreed upon and he wouldn't be with other women.

If you really just want to sample different relationships and sex with other men then considering divorce would be the most logical thing to do.

Being a cake eater ain't too cool but you can do it if you like, it doesn't bother me, being blunt about that fact will make you more successful but in most circumstances someone pays a big price for that somewhere down the line.

I'll keep reading, I don't dislike you and I share some of your sentiments in my own relationship, I'm curious to see how this situation develops for you.

[skywriter]

I painted myself in to a corner an here is how I did it...

 

Last year I embarked on a PA. I was inexperienced as I lost my virginity to my husband. I had no idea that one day our mismatched sex drives would be a problem. I had no desire to have sexual relations with any man besides my husband after we met. I never felt tempted or went looking for a cheep thrill. And then my eyes met xMM's and it was like everything from a novel or a movie that I knew to be false and yet, it drew me.

 

The A was short and steamy and yet I wanted more. It felt like it was just developing wings when it crashed down. Hard. I went in to my A with the thought of it being purely physical. Unfortunately my inexperience worked against me and I became very attached to my xMM. Sex, when I got it, with my husband was always over the top passionate and borderline rough. Sex with xMM was slow, sweet and like how one would imagine making love to be. Or so that was my limited perception of it. It seemed orgasms were more frequent and satisfying with xMM. The handful of times we had sex left a huge void inside of me wanting more.

 

It ended because of me. I couldn't handle the conflicting emotions. Instead of allowing for the normal waves of affair relationships, the push and pulls, I got crazier each time xMM pushed. Then add to this my failed compartmentalization with my H. H is my best friend and confidant and I couldn't talk to him about anything. I hinted at some hurt feelings and he noted cool behaviour from xMM as well though he had no idea of the A. In the end I felt all alone. Even though my head would say stop and wait it out, he will be back again, i pushed and pushed him right away. And then I had this gut feeling that a new friend was a "friend". Turns out I was right but she is already gone from his life. I could have outlasted her. I knew that then. I knew I should be silent and wait. Ignore the crazy inside of me but yet I lost all self control.

 

I told my H everything even my confused feelings. I told xMM I was going to because I desperately wanted him to talk me out of it. Instead he just threw me under the bus with his wife (who I was not going to tell) and backed it over me half a dozen times.

 

My husband took it all very well. He only got peeved at xMM for a short bit of time. He still thinks he is a sorry excuse for a man but wishes him no rancor. As to me, he gets it, the forbidden fruit thing and doesn't judge me for it and is glad I told him. I asked him if he wanted to split and he said no that we have a lot of good to work on and as I know my feelings for him are strong.

 

Time has passed and I feel closer to my husband. I don't regret telling him but I do regret how I handled things with xMM and wish I had not put the nails in the coffin of my affair so to speak by pushing him to throw me under the bus. I miss it. I know that is terrible but it is true. I miss so much about it. I remind myself of the emotional roller coaster I was on but now that time has passed I realize if I had just waited it out and not let my insecurities and jealousies get to me we may still be having our fun on the side.

 

I know I will get some heavy comments for this. I am prepared for that. I was just hoping someone else might know what it is like or have been there before me.

 

 

Hi veritas lux mea,

 

I like your screen name. In some ways I relate to your story. My A ended because my exmm, was embarking on expanding his A's towards two of my girlfriends.

 

I drew the line at that. I realise now, I'm so relieved to be out of the A, and in a healthy relationship. I don't miss anything about being with the MM.

 

If this is how he chooses to conduct his life,who am I to judge, but, I can't relate. Normal for myself is being my authentic self, all the time, not having to hide my love away, or compartmentalise my emotions.

 

My current relationship just reinforces why I should never be in an A again. Your H sounds like an incredible person, and I hope you will treasure him for all your days.

[Owl]

I don't know what I want. I would say I want to forget OM even existed. I want to have never met him. I want it to be like before I met him when the only man who sent a thrill through me was my husband. But since tasting what sex was like with the other man I feel so dissatisfied in that one area.

 

OK...so what are you doing to change/fix that within your own marriage?

 

Explored with your H what's missing? Tried to fix the emotional aspects of your marriage?

 

That's your ticket.

[veritas lux mea]

I think you have two choices, one is to bail on your BH to see if the grass is greener elsewhere. The other is to try radical honesty with your BH. It seems like you are afraid that your BH might think you are hung up on the MM. It doesn't sound like you are, you are hung up on your greed and what you think you are missing by being married.

 

If it makes you feel any better many many married people have the same struggle.

 

Grass is never greener. I almost feel like my sex drive is insatiable. The more i get the more I want. When I first had sex with my h I thought it was finally being sated. But slowly over the years it grew again. I started masturbating more and more again and lookimg at porn. I'm such a freak.

 

I think I gave the wrong impression. I was only technically a virgin before my H. I did some exploring with a female friend as a teen. I always forget about that.

[veritas lux mea]

You sound like you are at a crossroads of self discovery and your marriage isn't helping that.

You don't sound remorseful for your A and your husband did you a huge disservice with his slap on the wrist R. Would you say he loves you a little more than you love him. . . would you say he once thought you were a little out of his league(at least before the A)?

You just don't respect him, you love him but you don't respect him and you can't be married to someone you don't respect.

For the right type of dude you are the perfect type of wife, you need to look for someone into a HotWife situation.

You could have your best friend/life partner but instead of an open relationship he would take pleasure in seeing you with other men but he would be in control of who you explore with or at least it would be agreed upon and he wouldn't be with other women.

If you really just want to sample different relationships and sex with other men then considering divorce would be the most logical thing to do.

Being a cake eater ain't too cool but you can do it if you like, it doesn't bother me, being blunt about that fact will make you more successful but in most circumstances someone pays a big price for that somewhere down the line.

I'll keep reading, I don't dislike you and I share some of your sentiments in my own relationship, I'm curious to see how this situation develops for you.

 

This would have appealed to me before with my husband. But for me it seems to be an "in theory" only thing. It didn't take me very long to get super attatched to xMM. I don't think I can seperate sex from emotions. Something I think would be very important in that way of life.

[veritas lux mea]

Hi veritas lux mea,

 

I like your screen name. In some ways I relate to your story. My A ended because my exmm, was embarking on expanding his A's towards two of my girlfriends.

 

I drew the line at that. I realise now, I'm so relieved to be out of the A, and in a healthy relationship. I don't miss anything about being with the MM.

 

If this is how he chooses to conduct his life,who am I to judge, but, I can't relate. Normal for myself is being my authentic self, all the time, not having to hide my love away, or compartmentalise my emotions.

 

My current relationship just reinforces why I should never be in an A again. Your H sounds like an incredible person, and I hope you will treasure him for all your days.

Thank you for your words. I guess maybe I just need more time? It is good to know someone has been where I have and yet managed to move on. What actions did you do to end the A and get over it?

[veritas lux mea]

OK...so what are you doing to change/fix that within your own marriage?

 

Explored with your H what's missing? Tried to fix the emotional aspects of your marriage?

 

That's your ticket.

 

How do you fix something when you can't find what is broken? And sex has got better and more frequent since my A but my husband is very vanilla. He does different positions but that is it.

 

I wish I'd never experienced sex with xMM. I miss it and I feel terrible for missing it but it was fantastic sex. I think we were just more compatible. I don't know how to fully enjoy sex with husband now and I can't say "xMm did this and I really liked it..." I'm dumb but not that dumb.

[veritas lux mea]

I respect my husband. He is actually out of my leauge. I didn't act respectful of him during my affair but i know I won't do it again. You all don't have to believe me on that.

 

My husband is hard working, well endowed, passionate. He does not give in to peer pressure. He doesn't care what others think of him to a degree. He could care less if people think him stupid for giving me a second shot because as he said "it is my descision and my life."

 

So with all of these things why do I miss and regret sex with xMM ending??!!!

[Owl]

How do you fix something when you can't find what is broken? And sex has got better and more frequent since my A but my husband is very vanilla. He does different positions but that is it.

 

I wish I'd never experienced sex with xMM. I miss it and I feel terrible for missing it but it was fantastic sex. I think we were just more compatible. I don't know how to fully enjoy sex with husband now and I can't say "xMm did this and I really liked it..." I'm dumb but not that dumb.

 

What is it specifically that you want your H to do that he isn't? (Don't answer here, just think about that for a moment).

 

Have you asked him to do it? Told him why you want that? Explained to him how much/badly you want it?

 

Have you discussed this all in detail with him?

 

I mean flat out, in the open, point blank talked about what it is that you want? Asked him the same in return?

[Oldspiceywolf]

Because you take your relationship for granted. Your husband didn't punish you for cheating on him. If he had thrown down an ultimatum you would either see it isn't worth jumping through hoops you would have your answer and lave or you would be trying so hard to win him back you wouldn't think about exMM.

 

He may be out of your league on paper but I think you know you can have anything you want and losing him either doesn't seem possible or it's not a big deal because you think he will always be in your life as your friend.

 

Read the other posts, this situation is typical. You are bored and are feeling your free time with sexual thoughts, I do the same thing.

 

If you want answers start asking very critical questions about yourself, the answers are in there you just have to accept what you find. Design your life around who you are and not who you wish to be, the confusion will dry up(if u want to be a cake eater your in the right place and I hope I get to hear the juicy details).

[veritas lux mea]

What is it specifically that you want your H to do that he isn't? (Don't answer here, just think about that for a moment).

 

Have you asked him to do it? Told him why you want that? Explained to him how much/badly you want it?

 

Have you discussed this all in detail with him?

 

I mean flat out, in the open, point blank talked about what it is that you want? Asked him the same in return?

 

I don't think the problem is what he does or doesn't do. There is nothing to ask. I haven't discussed in detail being hung up on missing xMM. Or as is probably true, sex with xMM.