I read my MM's wife's recent letters to him about their relationship!

[Patiently waiting]

As I mentioned on another post recently, my MM spent this week with me. He left tonight to reunite with his wife and children at his parent's house after he completed his work week here at home. (He had been there at X-mas but had to come home for the week to work). We had a great time together! Last night we went to his house....he let me rummage through stuff. I found the "letters" she wrote to him. He let me read them.......

I now know the truth of how SHE really feels!

 

I must admit, some of what he has told me about their relationship is TRUE!!! She apologized for the lack of sex life they have, apologized for not being a good wife for the last several years, not paying attention to him. I think she went a bit overboard though. She actually made it sound like she believed he had a reason to cheat on her and she felt bad that she let it come to that. He had made a list of needs, she did too. When I orig. asked him if she had, he told me no. Well, that was one of the lies......Her list was simple. Pledge your fidelity. Be honest. Kiss at least 30 sec. every day, compliment each other once a day, have lunch once every 2 weeks, have a date night once every 2 weeks, let the other sleep in once every 2 weeks, she would initiate sex once a week, role playing and toys were ok with her (he had requested this).

 

His was extensive and she addressed every one of his requests. Many she agreed with and was willing to go along with. He had told me that she wasn't willing to do a lot of the things or go along with many of his requests, but she really was. He told me that she only loved him "site specifically" like when he was with the kids playing. But she told him she loved him and wanted to make their marriage work. She did however tell him that if he could not be monogomous that he should leave and be happy in a relationship he desired with someone else. Her letter was very calm and collected. She did suggest seeing a mediator, I had suspected he made that up. Although, they didn't ever wind up really seeing one....The thing is....all these requests (he says) have never reached fruition. The letters sit on top of the dresser under a stack of other misc. papers. He said he should frame the letters and put them on the wall, so I know he kinda does want their relationship to improve.

 

What I can't understand is that why aren't they doing these things now that they have been open with each other? He tells me that he has no desire to stop seeing me, says he can't help himself, but he pledged his fidelity to her in his letter! He does say he will not leave her, and as I have mentioned before, I have made my peace with that. He is now just one of the guys I see, not THE guy. I now see him for what and who he really is.....selfish and self centered. But because I am not his wife, I don't have to live with him so I only get the good parts of him mostly. After being with him for the better part of the week I don't think I would be able to tolerate his behavior either. I feel bad for her....she really does love him. But since I already have a relationship with him beyond just the sex part, I find I don't want to let him go completely. He is my friend and my mentor, not just my lover. I wish I could somehow lose my attraction to him so we could "just be friends", I would really like that. I am slowly trying to wean myself, but like any habit.....he's hard to break.....

[Debster]

Typically I tend to give the OW a fair shake in these posts, but I'm sorry, I felt sick reading your post.

 

What I CAN'T UNDERSTAND is how a man could let his OW read his Wife's letters to him. Letters written to try and save a marriage. And yet he spends a weak with you when his wife is trying to mend things.

 

How can you sleep at night knowing the torment you are causing his wife and family?

 

What kind of man would strip his wife of this last bit of dignity? Letting his OW read private letters is disgusting. What kind of man would then pledge fidelity AGAIN to his wife and then sleep with someone else. My god, do you know who you are sleeping with? A poor excuse for a man. A lying, cheating, bucket of scum. That is who you are sleeping with.

 

I don't think a man like that would ever be faithful. So be careful for what you wish for.

[Patiently waiting]

These letters were written several months ago but according to him, neither of them actually have discussed the content. I don't know why he allowed me to read them either, I think he really just doesn't think about it being so personal since I am the one who initiated the idea (to him) of writing the letters in the first place. I told him to do it and see what her response was, I was trying to get him to not want me and I thought I felt like I could somehow fix their marriage from what I had learned from why mine fell apart . But it's like they are just too passive to really do anything about their feelings either way. So there they are.....reverting right back into their "Stepford' like life.....and taking no action one way or another. She just lets it go as long as he hides it well enough. he says she will never leave him, I think he is right. Too many years invested, 3 small children, lots of hard assets. She concentrates on her work, the kids etc..... He plays the "perfect husband" role, except when he's not with her.

 

Yeah, I know what he is.....but to look at him.....you wouldn't believe or want to believe it. He's def. eye candy. But also extremely intelligent and also very supportive to me. Aside from his lack of morals, I really do believe he has some attributes. He has helped me see that I have personal and professional potential beyond what I imagined. He's my motivator.....he really does want the best for me even if it means leaving him. That's the unselfish part about him, but it's a part I think I only know.

[scarletibis]

So are they trying to mend thier marriage or are they just ignoring the probs they have? Also, does she even know about you (I'm sorry, I'm new and unfamiliar with your story.)

[Naive]

So are the letters recent or not?

[Patiently waiting]

Originally posted by scarletibis

So are they trying to mend thier marriage or are they just ignoring the probs they have? Also, does she even know about you (I'm sorry, I'm new and unfamiliar with your story.)

 

 

She knows who I am, we met once. But he tells her that he is just a flirt and that he has mostly women friends. I don't know if she thinks he is sleeping with me or not. I don't think she wants to know. I think she would rather believe what he tells her so she isn't forced to deal with it. I am not the first affair, he has had an internet/phone affair and a few short lived sexual relationships, some of these women he is now friends with, but a flirty friendship sorta. He can't ever let anyone completely go it seems. She knows of the friendships, but not of the part that went beyond that. Although he told me that he did recently admit to her that the friend from the internet participated in phone sex with him in the beginning. He said, she said as long as he hadn't slept with her, that was ok, but she would like to also get to know his friends if they were that important to him. (he never had slept with the internet affair (lasted 3 years, 7 years later they still chat here and there) she lived over 3,000 miles away and was married also).

[Leaf]

His wife needs to leave him or he needs to leave her. Why ohhh why do people stay married? My god.

 

PW, Please be careful. How long have you and the MM been together?

[scarletibis]

Originally posted by Leaf

PW, Please be careful. How long have you and the MM been together?

 

I was wondering the same thing? Has this been a long standing affair? Also, do you trust him to tell you the total truth (good or bad!)? I'm not trying to imply that you shouldn't trust him either...I trust my MM totally and do believe what he tells me. I just thought keeping around all these ladies hes had past affairs with is a tad odd..but no judgements!

[Patiently waiting]

This January we will have been together a year. But in the beginning we had different motivations for being together. I was at the end of my marriage, looking for a new relationship. Although I thought he was too, all he was looking for was some extracurricular activity. I am the first relationship he has had outside his marriage that he says "got outta hand". He said he never really expected to have actual feelings for me, just wanted to have fun with someone like himself. He misunderstood me, I was not like him. I thought he was in the same situation as I was.....or so he made it appear. I was so naive, I hadn't even thought about the possibility that he wouldn't want to ultimately be with me. Why start a relationship in the first place if you weren't even entertaining the thought of carrying it through. Boy have I learned a lot about men over the past year! Wish I would have known about LS a lot sooner!

 

But now that I understand where he stands, I'm not going for the gold ring anymore. I approach our relationship as just a good friendship with some added benefits. I was expending waaaay too much energy on something that was a lost cause. Yeah, I still have my jealous of the wife moments, but logically I know that is ridiculous for me to feel that way. He belongs to her, not me. I'm just leasing him.

[indigo_moon]

No offense but I could barely read through your post without thinking to myself just how SICK it was that he would allow you in his/HER home - and let your "rummage through things"........that is just plain wrong...........it's one thing if you 2 want to play hide the salami and whatever else it is that you do (which isn't right but by comparison)....but it was just plain wrong that he would take you into THEIR home while she was away and obviously unaware that *you* are there reading through these very personal letters. How could you even do that? How could you go into their home like that? Did you sleep in their bed, too? This is too much. Don't either of you have even a shred of respect for this woman? What has she ever done to you? And what the hell has she ever done to him to deserve such blatant disrespect? Her marriage has already been violated...now her own home and personal private things? Did you both have a root through her panty drawer, too?

[immoralist]

The lies, all the damn lies. Your MM has lied to you about his wife's feelings for him and he's lying to her about his fidelity pledge. On top of the multiple deceptions, he allows you access to his wife's intimate, heartfelt, last ditch attempts to save her marriage. That poor woman was raped and doesn't even know it.

 

The most pernicious aspect to the affair is not the sexual betrayal--it's the emotional betrayal as the wife becomes a mere "other" or outsider in her own marriage --a straight man for the MM/OW comedic duo. The wife becomes a "joke" --a third class citizen in her own marriage. Her feelings, her sincere desire to save her marriage become mere affair fodder to further bind the OW to her MM.

 

It's one thing to betray a spouse, quite another to humiliate her.

[Barby]

Sorry PW but you also made a very nasty disgusting choice...you should NOT have gone to HER home, you should NOT have read her letters to him IT WAS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! You were very wrong and I'm sorry but one day you're going to get your's!

 

That poor woman was raped and doesn't even know it.

 

Yes she was violated and humiliated and exposed and it wasn't fair because she doesn't know, she had no way to defend herself, hide her stuff (which she shouldn't have had to) or anything! How pathetic some people are!

 

 

You said he is telling you that he is "still friends" with the women he's slept with..and you're buying that? He's telling you the same things about the other women that he's telling his wife about you....can you not see that? Or do you not care?

[PatientOne]

Originally posted by Patiently waiting

 

he never had slept with the internet affair (lasted 3 years, 7 years later they still chat here and there) she lived over 3,000 miles away and was married also).

 

Sounds like he's keeping his options open there...

 

PW, I'm not judging you here, just hoping to help you make a tough decision in your life. By the tone and content of your post, it's apparent that you've come to see the wife in a different light after reading her letters. Can you not see what a scumbag your MM is? He obviously doesn't have an ounce of respect for anyone else. Not his wife, not you- no one. I urge you to just walk away from him, ASAP. You owe this player nothing, not even a goodbye. You sound like an otherwise decent person caught up in a truly bad situation. Realize you're causing this poor woman great pain needlessly. I'm sure the right man is out there for you. Just have the courage (and class) to make the break and go out and find him.

[Patiently waiting]

Like I said, I don't take him seriously anymore as a possible perm. relationship. I understand he is not worth the effort or the energy in that way. Aside from his shortcomings, he is very supportive, and encourages and motivates me to become the best person I can be personally and professionally. He is my friend. We just have the added benefit of being very sexually compatible as well. I know he is not the most moral person in the world, but I have no real vested interest in him anymore so I don't concern myself with that part of him. He gives me what I need right now and vice versa.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by immoralist

On top of the multiple deceptions, he allows you access to his wife's intimate, heartfelt, last ditch attempts to save her marriage. That poor woman was raped and doesn't even know it.

 

I cannot believe he let you into his home, to look through his and her things, to read her most personal, private thoughts, that should remain in their marriage - not to be shared. He is shameful. You should be embarrassed as well for willingly participating in these shinanigans. I hope he hasn't shared the same things about you to her...Have you written him any love letters? Doesn't matter, I doubt he would keep your deepest secrets private, even if he "pledged" to you he would keep them.

 

It's the emotional betrayal as the wife becomes a mere "other" or outsider in her own marriage --a straight man for the MM/OW comedic duo. The wife becomes a "joke" --a third class citizen in her own marriage. Her feelings, her sincere desire to save her marriage become mere affair fodder to further bind the OW to her MM.

 

Usually, I think, as long as a couple is married, they are married, and you, the OW, have no role in THEIR decision to work and save the marriage or let it go. But here, you are taking active steps to try to destoy it. Sure, he can decide to F up and sleep with you, but what you are doing and did by engaging in this evedropping (sp?) on her heart's deepest desires is absolutely shameful.

 

It's one thing to betray a spouse, quite another to humiliate her.

 

And usually, I can go out on a limb and say that OW isn't the one perpetrating the harm on W...that the harm is caused by H who betrays his W. But here, you have gone too far. He has humiliated her, and so have you. You are now just as bad as he is.

[brashgal]

Like I said, I don't take him seriously anymore as a possible perm. relationship. I understand he is not worth the effort or the energy in that way. Aside from his shortcomings, he is very supportive, and encourages and motivates me to become the best person I can be personally and professionally. He is my friend. We just have the added benefit of being very sexually compatible as well. I know he is not the most moral person in the world, but I have no real vested interest in him anymore so I don't concern myself with that part of him. He gives me what I need right now and vice versa.

 

I guess I am confused as to why you bother with him at all - seems like you could fairly easily find someone else who is sexually compatible who doesn't come with all the baggage. The fact that he could be bringing you an STD or a crazed wife to your door. I'd worry that she'd somehow expose your affair at work which would make your professional life difficult or set your house on fire or something.

 

You just sound so intelligent and attractive and like you could definitely do better than this guy.

[Patiently waiting]

He's HOT, GORGEOUS, WILD, SEXY, AND THE BEST F*CK I HAVE EVER HAD!!!!! He's the ultimate "bad boy" wrapped in the businessman's skin! He makes me melt at the very sight of him! I would drop to my knees at any moment upon his command! Yes, he's that enticing!!! He has captured me intellectually and physically....he is my master and I am his very willing slave! Now, how can I just give that up????? I just hope that one day I will find someone single who can match him. It's gonna be tough cause I'm very discriminating and even harder to please!!

 

As far as my job, I'm starting a new one on Jan 10th so we won't be working in the same building anymore. His wife.....she would rather let him leave than have him stay where he is not happy. She's real independent and earns a lot of $$$$ on her own. She would never contact or harm me, it's not her style.

[StillHurtin]

PW, I haven't had the chance to read all your post but didn't your own H have an A when you were married? If I remember right he did. My ? to you is, how did that make you feel that he was cheating on you w/ the OW? Did you still love him at the time? If you are like most, if not all, the women on LS you went through so many feelings, anger, pain, ect. I know what it's like to have a H who had an A, I know all those awful feelings. If you had those feelings when your H had an A why in the world would you want to put the W through all the pain you did? Do you hate her so much that you don't care how much you hurt her? I am sorry to be harsh but if your H had an A then you know what kind of pain it causes a person, why would you do it to someone else?

Your MM is a total jerk for letting you read those personal letters from his W. That is her personal thoughts and feelings and he was WRONG for sharing them w/ you.

 

I have dated HOT, GORGEOUS, SEXY, GOOD F@CK'S (my dh's one of them) BUT I would never be involved w/ one who was married. I couldn't do that to myself respect nor the OW. I have been the OW but the man was not married, but was seeing someone. As soon as I found out he married her I quit contacting him, and yes I was very much in love w/ him. It was hard to let go but I had to. There are other hot, gorgeous, sexy good f@ck's out there that are single men.

[Patiently waiting]

BTW, since when is there a hierarchy of OW ?? The W was being 100% disrespected the first time he chose to stick his c*ck in someone else, and also when the OW allowed it. Sorry, there is no place for any level of morals in these situations. At least I am woman enough to admit it! And if I'm a whore, so are all the other OW and the wives who bury their heads in the sand and still F*ck their husbands knowing they are being cheated on!

 

And yes, my H did have an affair before I kicked his ass out! I was stupid enough to let him stay for 9 more months. I was also the W whore with my head in the sand. At least now I CHOOSE what I do!

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by Patiently waiting

BTW, since when is there a hierarchy of OW ?? The W was being 100% disrespected the first time he chose to stick his c*ck in someone else, and also when the OW allowed it. Sorry, there is no place for any level of morals in these situations. At least I am woman enough to admit it! And if I'm a whore, so are all the other OW and the wives who bury their heads in the sand and still F*ck their husbands knowing they are being cheated on!

 

now I have a better understanding as to how you justify what you do/what you are.

 

To call the wife of a cheating husband a "whore" - and put her into the same category as the mistress is truly astounding. First of all, not all Wives even know their f*ckwad of a cowardly husband is screwing around - some of these guys are good at telling tall tales and covering their tracks. But even if the Wife has suspicions or does know, did it ever dawn on you that perhaps she stays because she took her marriage vows to heart and soul and when she stood there that day, dressed in white...professing before God, her partner, her family and friends, that she was expressing the most solemn promise she'd ever make and when she recited "for better or for worse" and "in good times and in bad" that she really meant this? You might not be able to grasp this by virtue of the company you keep, however.

 

What you, the true whore doesn't have, is the history they do.....from when they first met, when they first met one another's families.....the day he got down on one knee to propose.........their honeymoon night...........their first home...........the first meal she made for him, the first anniversary card he ever gave her................that first time she nervously told him "they" were pregnant...........the birth of their first child.............all those first and special times........................she has this all with him and this is a lot to just walk away from. She may also take her responsibility as a mother seriously and want to do absolutely everything under the sun to keep her family intact and protect her children from a bitter divorce, the scandal spreading around town, the children going back and forth from her home to his.........................She has things you won't ever have. All you get is a warm c*ck and a whole lotta lies and BS and someone who will never give his heart to you.........you're nothing more than a convenient diversion from "real life" and something to boost his fragile male ego.

[StillHurtin]

So what you are saying is that all of the W's are whores for sleeping w/ our H's even though we knew or know they are having an A? I don't see us as whores for sleeping w/ our H's b/c they are having an A. A lot of W's still love and care for their H's even though they are being pr!cks and cheating on us. My H had an A at the time we were going through a D. Besides, whores get paid to have sex w/ men. I don't know of any W or OW here that are getting paid for having sex w/ their MM or H's but maybe I am wrong.

[Allegro]

My cousin just left her MM. She met a single, available guy within days after breakin up with the MM. The MM was about 15 years older than her and had been promising for years to leave his wife as soon as the kids were grown, as soon as the daughter graduated from college, as soon as the daughter got married, as soon as the daughter had her baby, and on it goes. My cousin finally got tired of it and ended the relationship. She's now in love with this new guy and they plan to move into together soon. It's almost like he was waiting in the wings for her to come to her senses! Interestingly enough, the MM has finally started divorce proceedings! He's heartbroken that my cousin didn't wait for him!!! What nerve.

 

I've been with a MM myself (brief encounter; long past) so I won't judge you as others on this board seem to be doing. I totally understand sexual attraction and wanting to be with a man who is supportive. Every hetreo female wants that. I've had a small crush on a MM I work with for a while now, and we flirted extensively at our company's holiday party, which I must admit was a total thrill for me. But as much as I'd like to, I'd probably never sleep with him unless he got divorced (very unlikely) because I want more for myself. I would hope you want that too. I'm 42 and single and know how HARD it is to wait for the right guy...someone who is totally avaiable in every way to you. But I believe it's worth the wait. It's gotta be, right?

 

Best of luck to you.

[Patiently waiting]

Like I said, I don't take him seriously anymore as a possible perm. relationship. I understand he is not worth the effort or the energy in that way. Aside from his shortcomings, he is very supportive, and encourages and motivates me to become the best person I can be personally and professionally. He is my friend. We just have the added benefit of being very sexually compatible as well. I know he is not the most moral person in the world, but I have no real vested interest in him anymore so I don't concern myself with that part of him. He gives me what I need right now and vice versa.

 

He's HOT, GORGEOUS, WILD, SEXY, AND THE BEST F*CK I HAVE EVER HAD!!!!! He's the ultimate "bad boy" wrapped in the businessman's skin! He makes me melt at the very sight of him! I would drop to my knees at any moment upon his command! Yes, he's that enticing!!! He has captured me intellectually and physically....he is my master and I am his very willing slave! Now, how can I just give that up????? I just hope that one day I will find someone single who can match him. It's gonna be tough cause I'm very discriminating and even harder to please!![/b]

 

 

Sorry ladies......I've given up "taking it like a woman"......now I'm "gettin' it like a man"!

 

Who says we can't play their game???!!! Not I !!!!

 

I'm the one keepin' my pimp hand strong now!!!

[Barby]

I would drop to my knees at any moment upon his command! Yes, he's that enticing!!! He has captured me intellectually and physically....he is my master and I am his very willing slave!

 

You say this here but now you're saying.....

 

 

Sorry ladies......I've given up "taking it like a woman"......now I'm "gettin' it like a man"!

 

Who says we can't play their game???!!! Not I !!!!

 

I'm the one keepin' my pimp hand strong now!!!

 

 

So which is it? Does he "control" you and your "desires" do you "succomb" to him at his very "whim" or are you "running game" and "in control" I don't think you have a clue, sounds like you're confused to me!

[Patiently waiting]

I didn't say he captured me "emotionally".....The master and slave thing is all about the SEX!!!! I like to play games!!! Does that clear it up for you Barby?