NTRDR Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 OK now I know everyone has issues, I'm really trying to figure how to go about this. Girl I'm dating just opened up to me and told me a ton of stuff about her trauma when she was a child, didn't go into details but said that she is trying to work it out and try to figure it out. I'm not sure how this is going to work either, she also asked if it were ok if we stopped having sex for a little bit . . . we were definitely in the "honeymoon" phase, we'd meet about 3x's a week and every time we met have had tons of great sex.... to the point of her mentioning she had more orgasms one night than she used to in a month lol anyways... so to go from that to ZERO is going to be kind of ... well... I don't know... I really don't know what to do...anyone have any suggestions besides move on?
Author NTRDR Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 Other than that she wanted to try to work out her issues she didn't give a reason, no.
todreaminblue Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 something triggered a reaction in her maybe maybe not related to you....speaking from a trauma point of view....... i am triggered more in a dating scenario than going out with someone....i normally only date people i know pretty well for this reason........i have normally opened up before the relationship is serious to give th eguy a chance to walk it......away.......i feel that si fair.......it does take em a while to deal with feelings of shame........i dont go into graphics.......but it is shameful to em to reveal.....i only do i tif i feel it will benefit people ro a person in soem way........and i feel a partner has a right to know before getting serious with me.,...i dont back off in a relationship ....i am accepting of my past....still causes feelings of inadequacy and taintedness.....i recognize what is past and what is now.....i transition a fair bit...she hasnt transitioned i dont feel......sounds fractured./././...deb
Vogeltron Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Obviously I can't tell you what to do. If it was me as a male. I never run from this kinda crap. If I don't want to date a woman anymore that is fine. I would personally handle it like this. Obviously you are uncomfortable about what she brought up. I would straight up ask her why she brought it up and on your end say why you feel uncomfortable about it, and maybe you are having a hard time processing it all. That is if you are really interested in this girl. Even if you are no longer interested in her I always prefer to take the high road even if it means getting slapped in the face. Than taking the cowards way out. 1
TheGuard13 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 No, it's not insensitive, as long as you make it clear that you're doing it because you aren't getting what you need in a relationship, and not because you feel she's "damaged goods" or something along those lines. If she can't be in a relationship right now, then she shouldn't be in a relationship right now. Sex and intimacy is part of that equation. 1
Author NTRDR Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 lol thanks - no I'm not saying that I want to ditch her . . . it's not awkward, just odd to me, as she was pretty vague - I do like her enough to stick it out. I've already told her that even though I can't save her that she will save herself, and that the only thing I really can do is stand beside her for support. I just didn't know if I should bring it up again or just leave it alone for her sake, but I will just bring it up again because it's something that I need to know and get clarity on for MY sake. No sex isn't a big deal, there just needs to be a reason for it... maybe a time frame would help too...
TheGuard13 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 (edited) I think if stopping having sex in the middle of a honeymoon period wasn't a big deal you wouldn't have made this thread. Is she in any kind of counseling? Edited December 2, 2013 by TheGuard13 2
Author NTRDR Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 She's been in counselling for a while - mentioned that her counselor is a bit judgmental so I think currently not seeing him. And the sex isn't a huge deal if it's really what she needs... I just find it very odd to just come up out of left field so suddenly... but then again I don't have trauma issues like this... so can't really say
vanek26 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 It's definitely alarming that she abruptly wants to stop having sex with you. And I smell a rat here. I've been in situations like yours before and the end result is just that she is losing interest in you. This whole "Oh my past is so traumatic!" is an ace in the hole for her because you look like a jerk if you try to overrule her and she doesn't have to get naked for you anymore. Women are flippant like that. Don't attach yourself to the fact that the sex was so great at first. If you really like her, stick around to see if this fizzles out. But don't be guilt tripped into playing her game and letting her manipulate you. You deserve good sex in a relationship.
pteromom Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 we'd meet about 3x's a week and every time we met have had tons of great sex... I read this and I am wondering if she is feeling like the relationship is too focused on sex. How is the rest of your relationship - do you have a good friendship? Do you let her know you like her as a person outside of what she provides romantically? Since she was vague, I would talk to her more about her reasons to want to stop sex completely. If she cares about you, she won't want to take that away completely. 1
FitChick Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 If the sex has been as good as she claims, then I would back off and let her initiate every physical touch, even hand holding. If she misses it, she might change her mind. 1
Author NTRDR Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 I read this and I am wondering if she is feeling like the relationship is too focused on sex. How is the rest of your relationship - do you have a good friendship? Do you let her know you like her as a person outside of what she provides romantically? Since she was vague, I would talk to her more about her reasons to want to stop sex completely. If she cares about you, she won't want to take that away completely. Well I would say the rest of it is going well... I don't really text during the day but here's our morning convo...and I never do morning texts with women I'm dating... Her: Sweets just getting up R u ok? 6:02 AM (*I've had a slight head cold) Me: U r nuts snaggle tooth... up so eeeearly. ..u must want an excuse for a tea latte lol 6:40 AM Her: ; ) yaaaa Xxo Miss you 6:41 AM Me: I feel a lot better... ;-) First 15min of trading is about to over, time to get back to my charts sunshine Have a beautiful day/remember u're a beautiful soul 6:42 AM Her: I'm glad u feel better Yes I am very very happy I get to see you tomorrow I adore you You are a beautiful man W a gorgeous soul May great people and times cross your path today The highest reflection of you Mwah xoxo 6:54 AM Her: U make my heart smile Ooxx 9:17 AM I was busy for the rest of the morning so didn't get to text her back till about 4pm Anyways that's pretty much a snippet ...
Author NTRDR Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 (edited) break up and move on... I usually would have ... I've been dating on purpose (no relationship, no commitment) for the past 2 years, I would say 10-15 new phone numbers a week, out of those I'd choose 2-5 new "meet n greets" and rotate the roster from there. Over 3 or 4 hundred dates, and I've past up some pretty awesome people because I wasn't willing to open myself up and commit... women only go on the ride for so long, i didn't care, it was a constant rotation...it gets old though... and this one has a beautiful soul and I'm not going to pass another one up, I know I'll always be able to find another one, but I'm choosing to see where this soul takes me. Edited December 3, 2013 by NTRDR 1
elbe Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I have encountered this before... I just wanted to be a protector more than a lover. Didn't work out for me.........
Author NTRDR Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 She asked me to stay the night tonight so should be interesting... maybe we'll actually get some sleep this time unlike the other times lol
pteromom Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 If the sex has been as good as she claims, then I would back off and let her initiate every physical touch, even hand holding. If she misses it, she might change her mind. I would NOT do this. If the reason she is backing off from sex is that she wants to make sure you want her for more than sex, then this kind of game playing will backfire on you. She'll think "Oh, since I'm not giving him sex, he wants nothing to do with me. He must be using me." I'd talk to her more about her reasons first. And if it turns out she just has strong feelings for you and wants to let the rest of the relationship catch up with the physical part, then the last thing you want to do is go cold. (If you want the relationship to work, that is.) 2
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 OK now I know everyone has issues, I'm really trying to figure how to go about this. Girl I'm dating just opened up to me and told me a ton of stuff about her trauma when she was a child, didn't go into details but said that she is trying to work it out and try to figure it out. I'm not sure how this is going to work either, she also asked if it were ok if we stopped having sex for a little bit . . . we were definitely in the "honeymoon" phase, we'd meet about 3x's a week and every time we met have had tons of great sex.... to the point of her mentioning she had more orgasms one night than she used to in a month lol anyways... so to go from that to ZERO is going to be kind of ... well... I don't know... I really don't know what to do...anyone have any suggestions besides move on? I would say that it is OK if you assert yourself a bit with regard to inspiring her to return to her (or any new) counselor... because somebody with these issues who is unwilling to address said issues is doing as much a disservice to any prospective partner as is the prospective partner who might break-up with her because of the same issues. IF, say, you and she were having a grand time sexually, and suddenly she had a flashback, or heard a song, or your environs were uniquely lit so as to bring back a memory... then it's perfectly fair that she may have been triggered in some way. But when you invite a partner into your life, you have to show some regard for the partner, in not just sweeping something under the rug, and writing-off sex for 7 more years just because it's so easy. This would be a grand match-up IF you could stay with her, and she would make progress with her challenges while along the way you returned to a thriving intimate life together. But she really does have to be a willing part of that... And while I don't think you assert yourself by saying: "I'm gonna break up with you if you don't go to a therapist" or the like... you should probably be proactive in urging a helpful round of therapy commencing in the very near future. 2
CptSaveAho Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 (edited) I usually would have ... I've been dating on purpose (no relationship, no commitment) for the past 2 years, I would say 10-15 new phone numbers a week, out of those I'd choose 2-5 new "meet n greets" and rotate the roster from there. Over 3 or 4 hundred dates, and I've past up some pretty awesome people because I wasn't willing to open myself up and commit... women only go on the ride for so long, i didn't care, it was a constant rotation...it gets old though... and this one has a beautiful soul and I'm not going to pass another one up, I know I'll always be able to find another one, but I'm choosing to see where this soul takes me. BS.... you even know this is a bull**** white knight lie you're playing "Captain Save a Ho" If you really did what you said you did, this woman would not even appear on your radar or would be a quick turn off by just looking at her People that say this type of stuff are afraid to look at their own problems/insecurities and fix them, instead they focus on others A woman telling a guy something like this is the #1 form of manipulation from women to men... look at the response... you know you should break up with her but you are going to "play it out" Even you know how its going to end Edited December 3, 2013 by CptSaveAho
carhill Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Insensitive to stop dating someone bcs of rape/trauma issues? In my younger years I would have said 'yes' but, having married such a person, the older me advises careful examination of both the person, their trauma and family history, and one's own relationship style to determine compatibility. OK now I know everyone has issues, I'm really trying to figure how to go about this. Girl I'm dating just opened up to me and told me a ton of stuff about her trauma when she was a child, didn't go into details but said that she is trying to work it out and try to figure it out. Sounds about right. I got some disclosures after some crying jags relevant to sex and my inquiries regarding them. Prior, no clue. I'm not sure how this is going to work either, she also asked if it were ok if we stopped having sex for a little bit . . . we were definitely in the "honeymoon" phase, we'd meet about 3x's a week and every time we met have had tons of great sex.... to the point of her mentioning she had more orgasms one night than she used to in a month lol anyways... so to go from that to ZERO is going to be kind of ... well... I don't know... To me, that would be a canary. Relationships don't go backwards. Intimacy, both emotional and sexual, either grows and deepens or it ends. At minimum I'd ask her why and examine the reasonableness of the answer, along with determining how she treats you outside of the bedroom. I really don't know what to do...anyone have any suggestions besides move on? From reading your other posts in this thread, if you've truly been out on 'hundreds' of dates over the last few years, combined with the totality of what you've shared here, I think continuing to date is really your only option. Now, that could manifest itself by dating others while this young lady takes a sexual sabbatical and re-examining later, continuing to remain in touch with her without dating or commitment. As a single young man, that's your prerogative. IME, childhood trauma, especially that of the rape/molestation sort, is tough to sort through and triggers and manifestations can come at one completely unexpectedly and without context to any relevant current interaction. My advice? Pass. There's a lot less water to flow under the bridge of my life so perhaps your perspective will differ. Whatever your choice, I wish you well.
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