ConfusedHumanBeing Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Hello all. Hope everyone is doing well and (for those in the states) had a good Thanksgiving. So, I wrote on here a month ago about a new girl I've been dating. We had some pretty big life issues (Jewish (her) vs Christian (me), Vegan (her) vs Meat (me), Democrat (her) vs Republican (me), etc) Story is here if you feel like reading it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/436433-huge-differences ANYWAYS, its been a month now and things are going pretty well. We hang out a bunch and do all kinds of fun things (movies and dinners basically). Our similarities are kinda low, but still have enough in common to interact enough. In addition, I just moved to this new city months ago, so she is showing me all the cool places to go which keeps things fresh. Physical wise....we had sex already. Pretty early yes, but it just kinda happened. Since it has, its almost everytime we see eachother. Thats going well too lol. Now here is my question. For those who actually know, my ex broke up with me a year and two months ago after an almost three year relationship. It sucked a LOT and messed up my life pretty hard. I lost my job, apartment, and life. She left me and went to someone else and then went to someone else again after that. It was such a hard life lesson, but it happened. After about nine months, I stopped feeling bad for myself and moved out to this new city (2,500 miles away) about five months ago. Well, yesterday, I was feeling very odd about stuff. I wasnt hanging out with her....but this huge wave of my ex just came upon me. I missed her. I dont know why and she cheated on me and lied to me and I dont even want her back but I missed her. I got nosey and looked on social media. She is dating same dude and she looks really good. I just felt weird. HUGE rookie mistake by me to look at that stuff and I've already seen it so I mean it wasnt shocking I just felt odd. In fact, I kinda mildly got into a disagreement with new girl over something so trite over text during this time. I apologized for my actions and, because she is cool, forgave me. I feel as if I worry too much over this instead of just enjoying the moment. Why am I worried about the ex stuff? I'm over it and there is never a chance of reconciliation...so why do I still think about it? Why am I STILL worried/concerned with my life differences with new girl? Do I worry to just worry? Thanks for all your help everyone.
Am4Real Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 CHB, It would be hard to tell you the exact reasons why this sudden WAVE came over you – your reasons are likely going to be very unique to you, so how about I tell you about my WAVE and the reasoning I have come up with for my own experiences. Perhaps you can relate or discard at will. I’m almost 10 months now since a horrific departure from a 16 month relationship – similar departing as you but dissimilar in particular ways. Regardless, I’m over her completely but the hurt from some awful deceptions still linger. Because of the gravity of the situation, I’ve been advised it resembles PTSD (like you she cheated). Anyway, recovery from such has gone well, at least well enough that I too have begun to date. When a WAVE similar to the one you describe hits me and it’s happened two or three times in the last couple of months, I can attribute it to a resurgence of the hurt and pain associated with PTSD. Although not a direct reflection on dating, the ladies I’ve dated have not swept me away sort-of-speak, and although I’m out there and open to all possibilities at this stage, there lingers within me a small degree of pain along with the memories of better times with my EX, those feelings and experiences have yet to be matched. Don’t get me wrong, this EX is not on any sort of pedestal, liken it to the dates so far have eased me into the practice and my heart has not fluttered yet. Certainly comparing anyone to anyone else is completely unfair. I focus on the “here and now” when the WAVE hits and also like you, I was somewhat curious the first time it came about and clicked away finding a photo of the EX – funny thing is, that particular photo was not the best. Nonetheless the urge or temptation is controlled now and I use the technique I describe above to combat the WAVE. Happily, I’m dating again with a very open mind and an equally accessible heart. I hope this is of some help to you…
Haydn Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I have these residual waves as well. I think just maybe we want the ex to see we are doing ok and have a life without them. All the pain and destruction they brought to us will still linger and possibly we are looking for a `told you so` moment. I dont know. But i dont wish my ex well at all. She destroyed everything we had so simply. That sounds like bitterness but i think it becomes something else later on. I think you have met a really nice girl here and you should enjoy this time and see what happens. Good luck. Hello all. Hope everyone is doing well and (for those in the states) had a good Thanksgiving. So, I wrote on here a month ago about a new girl I've been dating. We had some pretty big life issues (Jewish (her) vs Christian (me), Vegan (her) vs Meat (me), Democrat (her) vs Republican (me), etc) Story is here if you feel like reading it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/436433-huge-differences ANYWAYS, its been a month now and things are going pretty well. We hang out a bunch and do all kinds of fun things (movies and dinners basically). Our similarities are kinda low, but still have enough in common to interact enough. In addition, I just moved to this new city months ago, so she is showing me all the cool places to go which keeps things fresh. Physical wise....we had sex already. Pretty early yes, but it just kinda happened. Since it has, its almost everytime we see eachother. Thats going well too lol. Now here is my question. For those who actually know, my ex broke up with me a year and two months ago after an almost three year relationship. It sucked a LOT and messed up my life pretty hard. I lost my job, apartment, and life. She left me and went to someone else and then went to someone else again after that. It was such a hard life lesson, but it happened. After about nine months, I stopped feeling bad for myself and moved out to this new city (2,500 miles away) about five months ago. Well, yesterday, I was feeling very odd about stuff. I wasnt hanging out with her....but this huge wave of my ex just came upon me. I missed her. I dont know why and she cheated on me and lied to me and I dont even want her back but I missed her. I got nosey and looked on social media. She is dating same dude and she looks really good. I just felt weird. HUGE rookie mistake by me to look at that stuff and I've already seen it so I mean it wasnt shocking I just felt odd. In fact, I kinda mildly got into a disagreement with new girl over something so trite over text during this time. I apologized for my actions and, because she is cool, forgave me. I feel as if I worry too much over this instead of just enjoying the moment. Why am I worried about the ex stuff? I'm over it and there is never a chance of reconciliation...so why do I still think about it? Why am I STILL worried/concerned with my life differences with new girl? Do I worry to just worry? Thanks for all your help everyone. 1
headinthecloud Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 It sounds like you are complete opposites. This can be good in some ways but eventually can cause problems later on when you forge a true connection. I would just enjoy each other and be honest with her. Don't get serious, but be forthcoming and tell her. The thing is that when there are no expectations then there's no disappointment. But you both have to agree on how you move forward. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. ...and stop looking at your ex's social media...she should be dead to you. It only reopen old wounds when you do.
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