purplesoccer34 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I recently went on a date with a guy. Before I went on a date with him, I had only seen pics of him--I hadn't met him in person. But when I saw him in person for the first time, he seemed rather detached (hardly made eye contact, and stood like a mile away from me), so within 5 seconds, I decided I wasn't attracted to him (I know it sounds shallow). But as I talked to him more, I saw that this guy had a lot of cool stories and a lot of interesting things to say. I did enjoy talking to him, and he was kind of good-looking, but I didn't feel any real attraction. When my ex and I went on our first date a year ago, I was already very strongly attracted to him. We were best friends for 6 years before going out. My ex never really had anything interesting to say, but for some reason when I was with him, I never wanted to leave. All we ever did was cuddle and kiss and look into each others eyes in an adoring way and tease each other like children, and it sounds like it should be terribly boring. But he was always so cute and romantic, so I never wanted to leave when I was with him--even though he never talked about anything interesting, and he never told me anything about his life. Good news, bad news, nothing. On the flip side, this new guy and I had so much to talk about. We had a lot in common. We talked about current events, interesting facts, goals/dreams, past experiences, etc. My ex never really understood me, but this new guy and I have had so many similar experiences, it's scary. I was on the date with this guy for only 2 hours, but in those 2 hours, this guy told me far more about his life than my ex ever did in the 1 year that we dated. Yet for some reason, I was kind of bored on this date. I was never bored with my ex even though he had nothing interesting to say--could it be because I knew my ex for so long before dating him, and I was already comfortable with him? My lack of physical attraction for this new guy is bothering me, considering I was intensely physically attracted to my ex. But this guy had so many cool stories. Should I give this new guy more of a chance? Can physical attraction develop over time?
Bigcitydreamer Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Yes physical attraction can develop over time for some people because it did for me. As long as there is a somewhat base attraction and they meet some of the qualities you really like. You said he was pretty good looking so I think things can develop. The easy conversation makes him sound like a good actual potential partner! 2
stillafool Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 If you aren't physically attracted to this guy do not waste his time or yours. Just forget it. 1
KatZee Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 No. Do not do it. Do not proceed. Do not pass Go. For a RELATIONSHIP to work, you NEED to be physically attracted to your partner. Do not get me confused here. Your partner does not need to be a 10, or what society deems "attractive" but YOU need to be attracted to him. You NEED to be attracted to SOMETHING in the beginning. It doesn't have to be everything, but you need to feel something initially. This is what differentiates a FRIENDSHIP from a RELATIONSHIP. The sexual attraction. Sure he's cool to talk to. He has great stories. You have stuff in common. He'd make a great friend. I made this mistake years ago. I decided to give a guy a shot when I had zero physical attraction to him. I didn't want to be shallow, I realized other relationships hadn't really worked out, so I wanted to try something new and see if it worked. Well, we dated for, I honestly can't even remember how long we dated. It could have been a year, it could have been two. And the fact I don't even remember should say a lot. At first it was OK, we got along, we had fun together, but when it came time for the physical aspect of the relationship, it was terrible. I never enjoyed kissing him or having sex with him. It more or less felt like something I HAD to do because he was my boyfriend. There was never passion. I never wanted to rip his clothes off. Still, I told myself I was being shallow, and I felt guilty for leaving when he had done nothing wrong, and that it was all in my head. I thought if I remained with him longer that he would grow on me and I'd find him attractive. Month after month passed. I never grew to find him attractive. As each month passed I actually started resenting him more and more. It go to the point where he physically turned me OFF. Instead of being indifferent, now I was repulsed. I could barely hold his hand. We never made out, and I would turn down sex for months. I wound up having severe anxiety and panic attacks, I found out he was planning to propose and the thought of being stuck with him for a LIFETIME brought the fear of God into my heart. I finally just had to dump him. Staying with him was never fair. Not to him, not to me. I wasted his time being with him, leading him to believe we were something we weren't. I would never again date anyone I did not find attractive. 7
MalachiX Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Mind if I ask why you're not attracted to him? I've known a lot of women who have told me that they grew to be attracted to someone once they got to spend some more time with them. I have one friends who actually said that a guy who she wasn't attracted to kissed her and she suddenly found him a lot sexier. I'm wondering if what you may have found un-attractive about this guy was the fact that he was nervous. He was keeping distance and avoiding eye contact. That can really effect how we feel about someone. On the other hand, if you went out again and he was more comfortable and open, you might find him more attractive. On the other hand, there's just something ugly about his face (giant nose, Mike Tyson tatoo, birthmark in the shape of Glenn Beck...) then you're probably not going to change your opinion of him. 3
truth_seeker Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I wouldn't do it. You're just going to lead him on while you're suffering on the inside. No one wins here.
Iceicebabe Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Don't. That's exactly what I did and I end up being miserable because I try to make myself like the guy when I really don't. Physical and personality is important. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight because I just don't see anything there anymore. He's such a sweetie but I'm being unfair to him by pretending. 1
crederer Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 From what I read, he's not as attractive as your ex. Is this correct?
Am4Real Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 It would be hard for me to continue if I wasn't attracted. Attraction other than physical can certainly develop in time, especially as we discover new things about our dates, however if there is not physical attraction, sexual attraction, I have no idea how it can develop or if it will. My advice is let him go and find the person who you cannot resist.
Phoe Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I personally have always done this, none of my exes were good looking, but I grew attracted over time due to their personalities. However, just because I am personally capable does not mean I recommend it. Ultimately it's up to you to determine whether or not it is something you can do.
nomadic_butterfly Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 (edited) I recently went on a date with a guy. Before I went on a date with him, I had only seen pics of him--I hadn't met him in person. But when I saw him in person for the first time, he seemed rather detached (hardly made eye contact, and stood like a mile away from me), so within 5 seconds, I decided I wasn't attracted to him (I know it sounds shallow). But as I talked to him more, I saw that this guy had a lot of cool stories and a lot of interesting things to say. I did enjoy talking to him, and he was kind of good-looking, but I didn't feel any real attraction. When my ex and I went on our first date a year ago, I was already very strongly attracted to him. We were best friends for 6 years before going out. My ex never really had anything interesting to say, but for some reason when I was with him, I never wanted to leave. All we ever did was cuddle and kiss and look into each others eyes in an adoring way and tease each other like children, and it sounds like it should be terribly boring. But he was always so cute and romantic, so I never wanted to leave when I was with him--even though he never talked about anything interesting, and he never told me anything about his life. Good news, bad news, nothing. On the flip side, this new guy and I had so much to talk about. We had a lot in common. We talked about current events, interesting facts, goals/dreams, past experiences, etc. My ex never really understood me, but this new guy and I have had so many similar experiences, it's scary. I was on the date with this guy for only 2 hours, but in those 2 hours, this guy told me far more about his life than my ex ever did in the 1 year that we dated. Yet for some reason, I was kind of bored on this date. I was never bored with my ex even though he had nothing interesting to say--could it be because I knew my ex for so long before dating him, and I was already comfortable with him? My lack of physical attraction for this new guy is bothering me, considering I was intensely physically attracted to my ex. But this guy had so many cool stories. Should I give this new guy more of a chance? Can physical attraction develop over time? Just think about it in reverse. Would you want someone to continue dating you who didn't find you sexually attractive? I wouldn't. I'm a fairly good looking girl who gets lots of attention from guys; if more outside men were complimenting me/showing me they found me attractive than my partner, it would eventually drive me to cheat and/or leave him. The one guy I cheated on in my life drove me to it by nagging about my petite frame (like I am in control of my metabolism), compared me to other women and made me feel unattractive and to top it off cheated on me first. He barely wanted to sleep with me (I had to beg him it felt like). So another man came, made me feel so sexy and was attentive so I cheated. Then I dumped the loser boyfriend. I want to be sexy to my man and he must be sexy to me or I don't want to even have him hold my hand. It would trigger my gag reflex. And I am a very touchy/feely hands on passionate girl. Edited December 2, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly
MalachiX Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I want to be sexy to my man and he must be sexy to me or I don't want to even have him hold my hand. It would trigger my gag reflex. And I am a very touchy/feely hands on passionate girl. I'm praying you don't ever volunteer at a homeless shelter or hospital. NURSE: Could you stay with Mr. Simmons? His heart is very bad and I think he just wants someone to hold his hand. Nomadic_Butterfly: I would but I don't really find him sexy and don't want to throw up when he touches me. I'm sure you understand.
PJKino Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I never bought the whole myth that most women dont need physical attraction and how it attraction can develop,look at he women in this thread resposnding the majority have said they need physical attraction for it to work
Versacehottie Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I think it's too soon to tell. Give him one more date & then if you still feel nothing physically let it go. I know several people (ok women) who have said the same thing about their husbands and significant others after the first date. But beyond the 2nd I think you've given it a fair chance. He sounds like he was nervous. However, if it's within his personality then his demeanor doesn't sound like it's attractive to you. 3
amorydiver Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 NO. . in my limited experience, when the going gets tough. you need to be able to look into your lovers eyes and melt. when you get into a fight, in my experience, its that intense attraction that reconnects you and enables you to work on the relationship. I was never able to stay mad at my ex,..&. without attraction what's the point? 1
pteromom Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I think it's too soon to tell. Give him one more date & then if you still feel nothing physically let it go. This. You said he is good looking, so your lack of attraction may have been due to him keeping his distance and not making eye contact. If he is less nervous and doesn't do that on the 2nd date, you may find yourself more attracted to him. 2
StanMusial Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 You should give him a chance. For Chrissakes most of the married couples I know would've never gotten together if the girl didn't give the guy a chance. Don't listen to the extreme examples of failed long term relationships. No need to go beyond a few more dates. No one is saying marry the guy, just give him a CHANCE to try to impress you. 4
Sunfire73 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 If in on the fence with a guy, I give him 3 dates. I started to like my bf on date 3. My attraction to him grew. He was interesting enough to give him a chance to get to know him better. However, the other guy I dated before him, I wasn't attracted. But he was smart, and have a good sense of humor. I still ended up dating him 6 times, but my attraction never grew. So I ended it. 2
Titania22 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Maybe the reason you were attracted to the other guy so much, was because you were friends for 6yrs. More then once I have spontaneously become attracted to a friend after spending a certain amount of time with them. This is what I find hard with dating, because there always seems to be this constant pressure to find the other person attractive straight away. 2
deathandtaxes Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 So this is how women end up dating ****-bag losers that are good-looking? It never ceases to amaze me... 1
xxoo Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Should I give this new guy more of a chance? Can physical attraction develop over time? There's only one way to find out If you enjoy his company, what harm could a few dates do? If you aren't feeling it within 4 dates....really feeling it, not kinda-sorta....break it off. 2
FitChick Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 If he is your basic physical "type," and you like him on other levels, this could grow into attraction. Happened to me a few times. Give him three dates. I agree with the others who said he was probably nervous, having been rejected before by women. This is how people sabotage themselves. 2
NoMoreJerks Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 (edited) he seemed rather detached (hardly made eye contact, and stood like a mile away from me)Is HE interested in you? Did he ask you out again?? To me, no eye contact, standing a mile away, indicates he isn't into you either, or he's incredibly shy? I'd be turned off if a guy came to the date with the predisposition that he won't like me or that he will be turned off by me if sparks don't fly the second he lays his eyes on me... some people are like that.. so if his "detached" body language isn't about his disinterest, then I would've given him some chance unless there is zero chemistry and you are actually actively turned off by him (rather than just not feeling a whole lot of attraction). Sparks are overrated -- I give men a chance all the time, even if I don't feel like jumping them for the first few dates. Edited December 3, 2013 by NoMoreJerks 2
PJKino Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 So this is how women end up dating ****-bag losers that are good-looking? It never ceases to amaze me... Yeha being a good looking guy makes attraction extremely easy..for guys like me you have to jump through a hundred hoops to get a phone number
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