heart broken

[emotionally displace]

Hi everyone,

 

a friend recommended this site to me and it's helped me so much so far, but want some help in my situation. basically was dating my boyfriend for 3 years, well it was gonna be the 3yrs next mth so we just counted it off as 3 years, anyway...about august this year he started cheating on me, but what breaks me is he was the most lovely guy, those nice guys with a nice heart, the last one you would ever expect this from...but now i've learnt never say never.

 

we met in end of 2010 through mutual friends and we've been in a long distance situation for quite a long part of it as well, originally he moved towns, and then i moved countries but was home every 3 to 5 months for periods of 1-4 months so we tried to make it work the best way we know how. when i came into town, he used to come to the other city he originally lived in every 2 weeks and would stay for practically 1-2 weeks...I know our relationship faulted because as i said earlier we met through mutual friends and when we started dating we came those couples who were together all the time because of hanging out with the same friends, it would put a strain but the distance away from each other for a wk also helped ease that situation because we knew we couldn't do much about it.

this summer beginning of august, he started cheating on me with a girl who ironically i know and would say i was friends with(girls can truly be your worst enemy). this girl and a bunch of her friends went out of town to where he lived and they hooked up that night, he claims it was only a kiss but i believe it was more. i was unaware of them even meeting of him even cheating till september, all i know is that his mannerisms started to change, he start being more cold to me, he started being on the phone a lot more, i never used to go through his phone but i noticed he started to put passwords, and when he was out of town, he would be on the phone for hours on end and always lie its work or family. anyway one weekend in mid august, he came into town and we were meant but he stood me up that day, he had never done that before but because i was so blinded in love i thought there must be an explanation for this, he switched off his phone from when we were meant to meet, and the next day his phone was still off. i decided to drive over to his place to make sure he is fine and when i was driving into the road that leads to his house, i saw him driving out in a car with another girl who now i know is the cheater but at the time all i noticed was she was a fair girl with brown black hair as it was in a car and i couldn't tell, his phone came on and i tried calling and he switched off till later that day, where he resurfaced and said he was sorry for standing me up he met his cousins and just wanted some time with them and the girl in his car i saw was his sister. i feel so stupid for believing this lie, but i've come to realise when u r in love u think with your heart at times and not your head and try and fight what you know is a lie!

anyway we were fine, but his mannerisms continued to get worse, he was more cold, looked for any reason to fight so as to not be on the phone, started avoiding instant messaging me cause he was busy talking to her, it all just got worse, he started asking for more space, saying i would stay over alot, when before he would beg for me to stay over, i had put on a bit of weight because of a medical condition and he started criticizing my new body size when he is not a small person and had also added weight in the last yr, which i never once put him down for. all through the 3 years, he never wanted a physical connection, i have to say when he met me i was a virgin, and i was ready by the time i met him, but the first time we tried it just wasn't the right time and then from then on, he just stopped trying and gave all these lousy excuses and cause of the distance this also made it hard,i should have not been so naive cause no man esp a grown ass man he is 30 now, can survive without sex, but i realised he stopped wanting to sleep with me, because he has a very controlling nature and this is his way of making sure that i wouldn't stray because he was paranoid about that when we were in long distance, so he would always fool around and just stop at that point, or give some reason to fall alseep.

all through august the cheating continued happening, he kept doing these disappearing acts and coming up with all these excuses, including his birthday at the end of august, when his brother was going to take him out for dinner and he gave some lame excuse to disappear in the afternoon and just left us waiting till late at night.

i should also mention the fights not only increased but got worse, there was once he literally just threw out my bag from his flat for no reason and when i went to get it locked me out, and like a fool i sat there crying and begging him to open, i now realise i got from desperate to a point of demeaning myself.

 

during september before i was flying out we agreed to go on a beach holiday to spend time together as a belated birthday and my leaving do till christmas...the holiday was amazing we reconnected on every part well apart from physical he just kept saying we will we will and i should stop being so aggressive, when i would try initiate anything, but two days before we were leaving i planned this surprise dinner at a restaurant for him and realised his mannerisms got cold once again, the whole day until we got to the restaurant, we went home and gave him the birthday gifts and everything was fine. something in me drove me to become the kind of girl i always dreaded becoming to check his phone cause something wasn't adding up, and it's at that point i did and saw all these messages from this girl i knew and there were explicit messages, he had even forwarded messages i sent him asking about he talks on the phone alot, sexual messages, he would send her credit, and i was heart broken, not only did i finally realise at that point that he had been cheating but with who, he saved her as his manager's name so that i wouldn't suspect when she called....

that morning he tried initiating having sex and i guess it was a pity move now after the amazing dinner i threw for his birthday the night before, but i just broke down in tears, i approached him about it and he denied that she was that person on his phone till i grabbed his phone and showed him and all he said is "now you know" i told him to tell me everything and he said that night her and her girls went in august to the town he lived in, they kissed only but now i'm sure it's more, and he claimed they have known each other since high school, where they hooked up once but had never seen eachother since then, and claims he met her once for lunch and that was purely it and started apologizing profusely. we argued so much that whole day and it got so bad at night he drove off and was about to leave me but came back because he dropped his phone in the car park of the hotel....

we went back into the city the next day, and though we tried to act normal things had changed but both promised to try work on things and he said we would stop talking to her and be honest.

i found out he faked the text message he said he would send her saying they don't talk and they still continued things even after i left, because i knew her boyfriend(yeah she had a boyfriend for 2 yrs) and he confronted me about the whole matter.

 

anyway i called things off officially in october, and still got word of how they were spotted in the city together when he would go down.

i started nc(non contact) officially in november and i broke it today after 1 month, because he has some stuff of mine and i tried to get someone to get it for me but he keeps evading, and it brought out all these other emotions. i should also mention she started spreading rumours and lying about me to everyone including him, accusing me for dating another guy for a year and a half, and how i called her for a whole month on private number and stalked her...all these horrible lies and it makes me so upset because she not only ruined my relationship(i know they r both at blame) but she is now trying to ruin my name and he believes her completely!

 

I hate the fact I still cry over him and miss him more and more everyday, he was with through a good part of my early 20's, i'm 26 now, and it just kills me cause i saw forever with this man, though he never once introduced me to his parents, his siblings we were great friends but his parents he was hesitant even if they kept asking about me that should have been a sign no?

 

I don't know what to do now, because a part of me believes that he is not a cheater, he just made a mistake, but once a cheater always a cheater right. i'm so confused because i'm returning back to that country for christmas and new years and as i said earlier we have mutual friends and it's a small city so everyone knows everyone and hangs out in the same place and i don't know what to do when i run into him...

 

i don't know whether i should have a talk before i leave in january cause i will not be back for another year, or just fly in and completely ignore him.

 

also is it wrong if i have hope in my heart that eventually with time and distance he will realise how wrong he was and we might work things out...a friend of mine told me how he has changed in the last month is more withdrawn, reserved and not as talkative, and a part of me was happy inside, but i can't know how true that was. when i initiated contact today after a whole month he was hostile and giving the same answer of being evasive because he doesn't want to give my stuff back to hold it as a way to keep communication, i keep getting mixed emotions from this guy, i feel like he just wanted the best of both worlds, a girlfriend and a mistress, and for him i just ticked everything he wanted on paper in a woman, but maybe he doesn't want me just the idea of me....

 

i also don't know is she a re-bound girl or do you actually think him and this girl have hope, it would break me if they did actually become an item?

 

i'm so confused, how long do i do nc for, is it till he initiates contact, esp if we r gonna be in a small town and together?

 

when i go home should i reach out to meet him even if he doesn't to get some things out in the air before i leave for the year?

 

is this girl potentially someone u guys think he may genuinely like and not just for fun or a re-bound?

 

i'm i stupid for still seeing forever with this guy?

 

 

i apologise for the long essay....i don't know how else to shorten this horrible story of mine, i left out so much as well...and just so lost and looking for any assistance....

[elbe]

That was way too long to read. I hope you feel better writing it down though.

[emotionally displace]

i know i'm horrible at expressing myself in writing....