Pissed off girlfriend's (fiance) father

[FrostFire]

Situation is I have pissed off my fiance's father by not going to his house to announce my marriage proposal before going to my father's house (whom I have not seen in years) for Thanksgiving. It is to be noted we did call him the night of the proposal after we got off work.

 

_____THE LONG STORY____

 

I have been dating and going steady with my girlfriend (fiance) for 3.5 years and finally made the decision to marry her. There were 2 issues holding me back in marrying my woman as I wanted her to finish her master's degree and completely pay off her student loans before any decision. She finished her master's degree a few weeks ago but now has lots of student loan debt. It was the student loan debt that held me back until I started reading some online advice which changed my viewpoint and outlook on what was holding me back in marrying her. I am very spontaneous in my thinking and didn't have anything planned as far as the proposal was concerned. I proposed to her in her office while we were still at work and had to wait to tell her parents until work was over.

 

Here's the thing we had already planned to go see my dad, whom I had not seen in 5 years, who lives in Arizona (we live in SoCal) for Thanksgiving. Before this was planned I had no idea I was going to propose. It was spur of the moment and I didn't even have a ring.

 

Anyways, that night we got off work and went out to dinner close to the hotel. Initially, we weren't going to tell our parents (except my dad's side) due to their narcissitic, passive/aggressive/controlling nature. However, we thought better of it and felt it was more proper and respectful to let them know. So she called her dad/mom and I called my grandmother. Long story short: Her parents questioned and grilled her to none other instead of offering the usual congratulations. It took her about 20 minutes to finally get the congratulations.

 

So fast forward to bringing her back home 2 days later after Thanksgiving. After the 500 mile drive back home we decided to go looking for rings that were within our budget and found the perfect ones for us for the time being. Then we had a nice romantic dinner before bringing her back to her parent's house.

 

We arrive at her house and enter the door. Her parents were so rude and usual as they always are never paying attention to us walking through the front door. NO congratulations, no excitement or since of thrill. Just, "How was the drive?" no sooner did I unload the luggage into her room I get her father grilling me about how I should have came by their house before leaving for AZ. "She's my daughter and I'm the father, I don't care about your step-mom's family. I'm her father and now you owe us big time."

 

I'm not the type of guy that likes conflict so all's I could manage to say after being exhausted and unprepared was "okay" and "alright."

__________________________________________________________

 

My question is what should I do now if anything? I'm already refusing to go back to her parent's house for the rest of my life until they apologize for their behavior. It's uncalled for, rude, and it's not like they were not properly notified.

 

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated and sorry if I posted this in the wrong area. By the way we're both 28 years old.

Edited December 2, 2013 by FrostFire

[kiss_andmakeup]

Would this happen to be your fiancé?

[FrostFire]

Oh didn't even see that thanks! Is there a way of merging this post into that one? Sorry!!

[mrs rubble]

I'd just give them a wide berth if I were you.

Nothing you can do to change them.

Lucky you have each other.

Congratulations on your engagement.

May you have a happy life together.

[Balzac]

Apparently she still lives in her family home?

 

Her dad sounds crude. No manners, no class. You're stuck w that.

Good luck w him funding a wedding and a reception. Sure you don't care.

[StanMusial]

They don't like you. Actually, it sounds to me like there is animosity between all parties. And you're marrying into it.

 

 

Good luck.

[crederer]

Did you tell her father as well? You just chose to tell your father first? That seems pretty standard if you ask me.....

[d0nnivain]

DH didn't ask my dad either & he was hurt. As much as he loved my then FI & thought we were a good match, he was still hurt.

 

Take the dad out. Apologize & show him that you respect him. Ask him for tips on what makes a good marriage. You don't actually have to implement anything he says but bring him into the loop a little. In essence you need to be the bigger man.

[devilish innocent]

You handled the situation fine. It was a good call to avoid an argument that would likely make things worse. If he continues to stay upset about it, then just offer an apology. Tell him if you'd known it was that important to him, you would have done things differently. You'll probably have to deal with these people for many more years so it's better to take the high road and be diplomatic.

[FrostFire]

Did you tell her father as well? You just chose to tell your father first? That seems pretty standard if you ask me.....

 

Did you even read my post?

[FrostFire]

You handled the situation fine. It was a good call to avoid an argument that would likely make things worse. If he continues to stay upset about it, then just offer an apology. Tell him if you'd known it was that important to him, you would have done things differently. You'll probably have to deal with these people for many more years so it's better to take the high road and be diplomatic.

 

Thanks but this is a father who is a master of making his daughter feel guilty in everything that she does to get her to apologize to him. An apology from me is not warranted under the circumstances he was notified of the engagement in my humble opinion just not the way he had dreamed up in his head.

[maysj18]

Here's the thing, you didn't ask her father for his blessing which is pretty standard in today's culture. I'm just using me as an example, because if my boyfriend didn't ask my dad first my dad would be pissed. And so would I, honestly. I would probably say no until my dad was told because that's how important something like that is to him. I can't speak for her family or anything, but my dad and I are just super close and it would be perceived as very rude and insensitive for my father not to be told before the proposal. If that's what the dad is mad about, then yes, that was extremely rude of you. You really need to take him to dinner and explain everything man to man. It wouldn't have been that hard to make a phone call just to tell him what was going on.

 

Again, this may not be their family dynamic at all. I'm just using my family as an example.

[FrostFire]

It wouldn't have been that hard to make a phone call just to tell him what was going on.

 

Again, this may not be their family dynamic at all. I'm just using my family as an example.

 

We phoned him the very night we got engaged before leaving for Arizona however the phone call wasn't good enough. He wanted me to actually go over to his house and announce the proposal. That's what he's upset about from what I understand. Doesn't make any sense but it is what it is. :\

 

In regards to our culture and standards I don't live up to past expectations or what society dictates what I should do. This is the 21st century and there is no law that says I have to ask a 28 year old's father for permission to marry his daughter. Excuse me she was an adult at 18. I didn't ask permission but we did let them know we were engaged after work that night so it's not like they were left in the dark on anything.

Edited December 2, 2013 by FrostFire

[MalachiX]

I'd just wait for it to blow over. It's not worth turning this into a big deal when you're planning to spend the rest of your life with this woman. Like it or not, her family comes with the package.

 

THAT SAID...I think it's stupid of them to blame you. I know a lot of people say you should ask the father's permission first but I've always been a bit miffed about that. Maybe it's because the only girl I ever came close to proposing to was one who had an abusive d-bag of a father who she kicked out of the house at age 13 and never saw again. Maybe it's because I think there's something odd about going to the father before I go to the woman I love.

 

This is the 21rst century and there's always something a little disconcerting to me about that practice. Why don't I ask the mother for permission too? Isn't she just important to the girl as her father? Should the parents have the right to de-rail a fully grown adult's marriage plans?

 

The real issue is this seems to date back to a much older time when the daughter was considered her father's property. I just don't gel with that.

[maysj18]

I meant a phone call BEFORE asking her to marry you. It isn't even about permission, because even if he says no, you're still going to get married probably. It's just a matter of respect and for some fathers (like mine), it's a big deal. Again, some families are less traditional, but it sounds like to me he wanted you to phone him personally and say "I'd really like to ask your daughter to marry me." It's the same as having a dad walk his daughter down the aisle. Just because it's tradition doesn't mean it's "outdated" or stupid and even though you don't "agree" with that tradition because it's the "21st century", he obviously does and has a right to be mad.

 

Now granted, you said you did it spontaneously. With that in mind, you really just need to swallow your pride and explain that to him.

 

And if her dad is a total douche who she isn't the least bit close to, then obviously that's way different and he's out of line.

[MalachiX]

I meant a phone call BEFORE asking her to marry you. It isn't even about permission, because even if he says no, you're still going to get married probably. It's just a matter of respect and for some fathers (like mine), it's a big deal. Again, some families are less traditional, but it sounds like to me he wanted you to phone him personally and say "I'd really like to ask your daughter to marry me." It's the same as having a dad walk his daughter down the aisle. Just because it's tradition doesn't mean it's "outdated" or stupid and even though you don't "agree" with that tradition because it's the "21st century", he obviously does and has a right to be mad.

 

If his daughter doesn't agree with this tradition then frankly I don't think he has a right to be mad. Sorry.

 

Most guys I know still error on the side of caution with that and that's cool. When I considered proposing to one girlfriend, I always though I'd ask her uncle since her Dad was out of the picture and she seemed to trust her uncle most. That said, she was someone who still had a certain level of traditional values.

 

His fiancee has said she doesn't care about that and has issues with her Dad. I don't know what they stem from but him getting pissed off probably isn't going to help.

 

Where I a father and my daughter did the same thing, I'd first congradulate her and then, if it really bugged me, I might casually say to her future-husband, "hey, I really wished you'd called me before you proposed." I wouldn't try to bully him and make things start off on the wrong foot. I'd try to embrace a guy who made my daughter happy.

 

Then I'd beat him to death with a shovel and bury him in the back yard because NO ONE LAYS A HAND ON MY DAUGHTER!!!!

[d0nnivain]

Thanks but this is a father who is a master of making his daughter feel guilty in everything that she does to get her to apologize to him. An apology from me is not warranted under the circumstances he was notified of the engagement in my humble opinion just not the way he had dreamed up in his head.

 

 

In regards to our culture and standards I don't live up to past expectations or

what society dictates what I should do. This is the 21st century and there is no

law that says I have to ask a 28 year old's father for permission to marry his

daughter. Excuse me she was an adult at 18. I didn't ask permission but we did

let them know we were engaged after work that night so it's not like they were

left in the dark on anything.

 

Oh boy. You are in trouble. This is no way to start off a marriage.

 

Her father is upset. You may not agree with his tradition or even understand why he is upset. Yes, you did what YOU thought was appropriate. He clearly disagrees.

 

I meant what I said the 1st time I responded to you. You have to be the bigger man. This will never end well if you start your engagement / married life by in essence forcing your FI to chose between you & her father.

 

A wedding is a blending of two families. Sometimes marriage requires compromise. If her father had a dream about how his little girl would get married & you screwed that all up -- even if you didn't do it malaciously which I don't think you did -- his hurt & pain needs to be addressed.

 

Look at it this way. If you were at his house & told him you were leaving then he went outside & a few minutes later you accidently backed up your car & hit him, would you be standing here protesting that he knew you were leaving so you had no obligation to look behind you before you backed up? Of course not. This is similar.

 

Be the bigger man. Be sensative to his feelings & have a happy marriage.

 

Continue to protest that you're right & you might not make it down the aisle. When my husband dissappointed my dad by not asking (Even though I think it's an antiquated tradition but it was important to my dad) I'm not sure I would have gone through with the marriage had my husband not talked to my dad & apologized for the oversight.

[Shepp]

Again, this may not be their family dynamic at all. I'm just using my family as an example.

 

This is totally it!

My brother phones up his now wifes parents cause they live in Ireland to ask their permission before he proposed. It was the natural thing because although she's not particularly religious her family are strong Irish Catholics and very traditional and our family is pretty traditional though no religious.

 

However I was brought up the same as my brother, my instinct would be to ask a girls dad...but when the time comes I won't be asking my girlfriends dad - she'd kill me for one! They barely speak, he hasn't even come to see our baby boys, I've barley had more than 3 conversations wit the man - it wouldn't make sense for me to ask.

 

 

Its up to you and your gf to judge the situation, if you both feel it was fine you didn't ask then you haven't done anything wrong.

That said, for your girlfriends sake, beause you love her, suck it up and play nice - you don't have to say sorry or be all over them, but refusing to go to her house or speak to them or whatever only hurts your gf and leaves her stuck in the middle.

Stand with her, by her side, she'll thank you for it.

[bambiraptor9]

This is totally it!

Its up to you and your gf to judge the situation, if you both feel it was fine you didn't ask then you haven't done anything wrong.

That said, for your girlfriends sake, beause you love her, suck it up and play nice - you don't have to say sorry or be all over them, but refusing to go to her house or speak to them or whatever only hurts your gf and leaves her stuck in the middle.

Stand with her, by her side, she'll thank you for it.

 

I agree with this, being the fiancee and all.

[bambiraptor9]

Oh boy. You are in trouble. This is no way to start off a marriage.

 

Her father is upset. You may not agree with his tradition or even understand why he is upset. Yes, you did what YOU thought was appropriate. He clearly disagrees.

 

I meant what I said the 1st time I responded to you. You have to be the bigger man. This will never end well if you start your engagement / married life by in essence forcing your FI to chose between you & her father.

 

A wedding is a blending of two families. Sometimes marriage requires compromise. If her father had a dream about how his little girl would get married & you screwed that all up -- even if you didn't do it malaciously which I don't think you did -- his hurt & pain needs to be addressed.

 

Look at it this way. If you were at his house & told him you were leaving then he went outside & a few minutes later you accidently backed up your car & hit him, would you be standing here protesting that he knew you were leaving so you had no obligation to look behind you before you backed up? Of course not. This is similar.

 

Be the bigger man. Be sensative to his feelings & have a happy marriage.

 

Continue to protest that you're right & you might not make it down the aisle. When my husband dissappointed my dad by not asking (Even though I think it's an antiquated tradition but it was important to my dad) I'm not sure I would have gone through with the marriage had my husband not talked to my dad & apologized for the oversight.

 

Like I said in my post (in the proper subforum), the issue here is not the apology. It runs much deeper than that. I come from a dysfunctional home. The expectations far exceed normal standards. Even if my fiance proposed to me in the way my dad wanted, they still would have mocked us for it (we didn't have rings, there was no plan for a wedding, no date set, etc.) behind our backs. Even if my fiance apologizes in a mature manner, they will think it is weak and that he is not fit to by my husband. Already I have been grilled about getting a house, getting married in their church, and following their plan for my life. Some people tolerate this. I do not. Not when I've been controlled my entire life and abused on top of it.

 

Does it make the reaction right? No. I understand my dad's hurt, but his attitude is not the one to take. My fiance certainly can step up and apologize, but it won't do a bit of good, because my dad is set in his ways and won't change his mind about anything once it's been made up.

 

So of course this marriage is not following the tradition and is seemingly not going the way it should. It's not going to be healthy in terms of my family, it never will be. But for me, breaking away from my family IS healthy. Keeping my distance IS healthy. It doesn't mean I refuse to speak to my dad--on the contrary, I live with him. But it does mean his childish response is not tolerated. My fiance is expected to man up, but my own father won't ever do the same?

 

An apology is the right thing to do in a normal situation. But given the circumstances I don't know if it's worth the risk. Regardless, my fiance should NOT feel pressured to stay away forever. He needs to confront my dad on his own time and when he is ready. In the meantime, I love him and his support has carried me really far. I'm not going to turn my back on my fiance just because he bucked tradition.

[d0nnivain]

bambiraptor9

 

 

If you are wholly & totally on your FIs side, then there isn't a problem. You two need to do what's best for you.

[maysj18]

Like I said in my post (in the proper subforum), the issue here is not the apology. It runs much deeper than that. I come from a dysfunctional home. The expectations far exceed normal standards. Even if my fiance proposed to me in the way my dad wanted, they still would have mocked us for it (we didn't have rings, there was no plan for a wedding, no date set, etc.) behind our backs. Even if my fiance apologizes in a mature manner, they will think it is weak and that he is not fit to by my husband. Already I have been grilled about getting a house, getting married in their church, and following their plan for my life. Some people tolerate this. I do not. Not when I've been controlled my entire life and abused on top of it.

 

Does it make the reaction right? No. I understand my dad's hurt, but his attitude is not the one to take. My fiance certainly can step up and apologize, but it won't do a bit of good, because my dad is set in his ways and won't change his mind about anything once it's been made up.

 

So of course this marriage is not following the tradition and is seemingly not going the way it should. It's not going to be healthy in terms of my family, it never will be. But for me, breaking away from my family IS healthy. Keeping my distance IS healthy. It doesn't mean I refuse to speak to my dad--on the contrary, I live with him. But it does mean his childish response is not tolerated. My fiance is expected to man up, but my own father won't ever do the same?

 

An apology is the right thing to do in a normal situation. But given the circumstances I don't know if it's worth the risk. Regardless, my fiance should NOT feel pressured to stay away forever. He needs to confront my dad on his own time and when he is ready. In the meantime, I love him and his support has carried me really far. I'm not going to turn my back on my fiance just because he bucked tradition.

 

I was never given the impression that you weren't close with your dad. All that was said was that he is kind of a hardass, which doesn't really mean anything because my dad is too but we are still super close. If you aren't close with your dad then obviously a lot of this advice doesn't apply. With certain people, even parents, you can only give so much before it isn't worth it. I'd have your fiance try to mend things, but not kiss his ass.