thecharade Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I was a married OW. I am still married and would like to stay married. My AP "didn't want me," but I am luckily far enough into my healing that I see that as a blessing. Honestly, our lives and R would have been a mess. I get farther and farther away from wanting him, but that has not simply translated into wanting my H. I WANT TO want my H, but the way I really feel is that I don't want either guy. This feeling hit me about six months after I ended my A, and I let my H know then that I could no longer tolerate the lip service he had been paying to my marital complaints. Ever since then, he has been working hard to own his half of the M. It's the first time he's really worked at being my partner in 18 years together. But . . . I'm not where I hoped I'd be in being back in my M. Where is everyone else in this process? Still in the A? Want to end the A and keep the spouse, or end the marriage and keep the AP? How has this whole thing impacted your M? And what are you hoping for or expecting, in the end? Maybe this should be in infidelity, but I feel I have one foot in each world. I struggled as an OW and in all the pain of the A. Now I am struggling through an M damaged by an A. But maybe my issues belong in a marriage forum, since maybe they are not A related at all? I really do not want my AP, and I want him to stay with his W, so how can I get "happier" with my H? Is any of what I'm dealing with normal? (Probably not. Ha!) 1
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Once you find "you" again, and be happy with yourself, be passionate about life over all, I think you'll connect again with your husband. Fake it until you feel it working.. 1
Author thecharade Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 I wish that was the problem, but I've already been through that stage. My life is actually the best it has ever been: nice income, adore my job, kids are doing great, house is looking good, I am exercising, eating right, and looking my best, keeping good boundaries with friends and relatives, enjoying hobbies--just having a great time. But my M feels empty. Why?
Author thecharade Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 Single OW or OM usually want a real R with their AP. Their's is a special kind of torture. Do I dare say it is easier to recover? It seems true, but I may have no idea what I'm talking about. But MOW or MOM are in a different circumstance, trying to decide what to do with the first R or the second R or both. So, what is the effect on married people? I wanted my exMM to save me from the pain in my life, the pain in my M. What happens to our Ms as an effect?
Sofie2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Does your husband know about the A? If he doesn’t it could be why your marriage hasn’t healed yet. If your husband doesn’t know then you are still living a lie just a different kind of lie. 1
Popsicle Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Single OW or OM usually want a real R with their AP. Their's is a special kind of torture. Do I dare say it is easier to recover? It seems true, but I may have no idea what I'm talking about. But MOW or MOM are in a different circumstance, trying to decide what to do with the first R or the second R or both. So, what is the effect on married people? I wanted my exMM to save me from the pain in my life, the pain in my M. What happens to our Ms as an effect? I think it is easier for a single OW/M to recover than for a MOW/M to recover, assuming their marriage is still unfulfilling. Many MOW/M just look for a new AP when the A ends, and thus, serial cheating ensues.
happy stillmore Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Well, for me, I thought I found everything I was looking for in xMM. I was attracted to him, shared a crazy sense of humor and was emotionally closer to him than I ever was with my H. I realized all that was lacking in my M and how much I need that connection. I can honestly say I never felt these things for my H. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could feel the same way I did for xMM as for my H. It would make my life soooooo perfect. It is the one area of my life that makes me sad. I don't have the passionate, romantic love with my H. Believe me, I know it is something that requires work to maintain but I also believe there is also a spark that has to be there. This spark is not something you can control. It is either there or not there. I can't fake it until I get it. That has been my problem. I have acted the part for our whole M. It is time I live an authentic life. To do that, I have to divorce my H so he can have a chance at happiness with someone who can truly love him. To answer your question, the A made me see what I was missing. What was missing are not things that are naturally in our marriage. We would be faking with each other. It isn't the life I want (fake). 2
Popsicle Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 (edited) Does your husband know about the A? If he doesn’t it could be why your marriage hasn’t healed yet. If your husband doesn’t know then you are still living a lie just a different kind of lie. You may be on to something here. As scary and risky as it is, I think the only chance an unfulfilled spouse has at healing their marriage after an A is to bring everything out in the open and deal with it. Complete transparency, a clean slate, a recommitment and hard work are in order. This is assuming your spouse does not leave you and wants to stay and try to save and heal their marriage (many do, even though they will feel tremendous pain). I feel I have to make that disclaimer because there is always the risk that they will say F-this and leave. Edited December 2, 2013 by Popsicle
psm04 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Well, for me, I thought I found everything I was looking for in xMM. I was attracted to him, shared a crazy sense of humor and was emotionally closer to him than I ever was with my H. I realized all that was lacking in my M and how much I need that connection. I can honestly say I never felt these things for my H. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could feel the same way I did for xMM as for my H. It would make my life soooooo perfect. It is the one area of my life that makes me sad. I don't have the passionate, romantic love with my H. Believe me, I know it is something that requires work to maintain but I also believe there is also a spark that has to be there. This spark is not something you can control. It is either there or not there. I can't fake it until I get it. That has been my problem. I have acted the part for our whole M. It is time I live an authentic life. To do that, I have to divorce my H so he can have a chance at happiness with someone who can truly love him. To answer your question, the A made me see what I was missing. What was missing are not things that are naturally in our marriage. We would be faking with each other. It isn't the life I want (fake). This is pretty much the way I feel. I don't have the passionate romantic love with my H either. I'm not repulsed by him in any way. I love cuddling and being close to him, but that's it. It's like a nurturing love, and not that wild passionate intense thing. I don't think that we ever had that, even when we were dating. With xAP, it was so natural. Even now, when I think about him, that spark is there. When we talk at work, there is so much chemistry. However, I can't divorce my H. He is a great guy. We have a good thing going in lots of other ways. The A actually made me realize not only what I was missing, but also how good I have it with my H in lots of other ways. It's sad. It's basically security, stability, love and everything else vs chemistry and passion. I don't think I'll ever get that with him, but I guess I'm choosing everything else over being romantically satisfied. 3
Ladydrib Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 This is pretty much the way I feel. I don't have the passionate romantic love with my H either. I'm not repulsed by him in any way. I love cuddling and being close to him, but that's it. It's like a nurturing love, and not that wild passionate intense thing. I don't think that we ever had that, even when we were dating. With xAP, it was so natural. Even now, when I think about him, that spark is there. When we talk at work, there is so much chemistry. However, I can't divorce my H. He is a great guy. We have a good thing going in lots of other ways. The A actually made me realize not only what I was missing, but also how good I have it with my H in lots of other ways. It's sad. It's basically security, stability, love and everything else vs chemistry and passion. I don't think I'll ever get that with him, but I guess I'm choosing everything else over being romantically satisfied. This is exactly how I feel. Every word of it. However I go back and forth on the decision to divorce or not. But I lean in the direction of sacrificing chemistry and romance for the nurturing love. 3
BruisedBNBroken Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 In a brilliant act of self torture, I ended both the affair and my marriage at once. The A and my xAP were never going to be anything more than an exit affair, and my marriage has been passionless and non authentic for years. Doesn't make it any easier. H and I have been seperated since Oct. 1 and I have been NC with xAP for 31 days. It's all emotionally devastating. I'm in IC and been reading anything and everything I can, and relying on great friends. My main focus is trying not to have a nervous breakdown and concentrating on my two young boys. They are my world and I have completely changed their reality. My hope is to come out of this a stronger person, a better mother and a more authentic person. Anything else is a bonus. 6
psm04 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I am glad to read some of the other posts that are similar. It helps that I'm not the only person feeling so conflicted about my M. I keep talking to my H about improving the other aspects of our M. That's the only thing I can do right now. I've given up on getting the chemistry. It just won't happen. Most of the posts here are from a single AP's perspective, so it really helps to read what married APs and former APs are going through, in the A and in their marriages.
happy stillmore Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Bruisednbroken - if I could, I would have done the same thing as you. I give you credit. You will most definitely come out of this setting what you are truly made of. You will be a stronger person. Pam04 - you are lucky to have a husband which you cuddle with. It is not that way with my H. I never realized how important that is. I couldn't get enough of cuddling with xMM. I often joked that my xMM and I would almost be Siamese twins because I never wanted to let him go. I need that in my life. Watching tv and cuddling with the one you love. Life doesn't get much better than that. LadyDrib - I might be an optimist but I believe you can have both, romantic and nurturing love. It would be wonderful to have that kind of man in our lives. I believe being a MOW/MOM is especially hard after the A ends. A single AP can move on quickly. When you are married, you can't move on as easily. 2
Popsicle Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 In a brilliant act of self torture, I ended both the affair and my marriage at once. The A and my xAP were never going to be anything more than an exit affair, and my marriage has been passionless and non authentic for years. Doesn't make it any easier. H and I have been seperated since Oct. 1 and I have been NC with xAP for 31 days. It's all emotionally devastating. I'm in IC and been reading anything and everything I can, and relying on great friends. My main focus is trying not to have a nervous breakdown and concentrating on my two young boys. They are my world and I have completely changed their reality. My hope is to come out of this a stronger person, a better mother and a more authentic person. Anything else is a bonus. Kudos to you. You are strong woman already for leaving and you will be even stronger after you get through this and the dust settles. You're going to be just fine and the best part is, now you have a chance at authentic happiness in the future. 3
1calgal Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I was MOW and knew two weeks into the A that I was going to leave my marriage of 18 years and did. It was definitely an exit affair. My divorce is now final but it's still very difficult. I hate being alone and still long for my xMM. He returned to his wife. But I do not regret my decision. I needed to get out of the marriage I had. That was the right thing to do. But damn it's lonely sometimes. Sometimes there are no good options, only options and you make a decision, not for short term happiness but for long term. Think about where you want to be 5-10 years from now. Is it with your H? 2
blue963 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I think when you are a MO partner and you end it your marriage is even more difficult because you see the reality of what it truly is. Most likely there were many reasons for starting the affair. As a single person you can move forward and try to find a single partner who more suits your needs. 3
Owl Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Thecharade, what are YOU doing to rebuild/rekindle your marriage? I understand that you told your H that he needed to work on things...and you've noted that he has. But this is a two way street...if YOU don't start investing in that relationship, all the work your H puts into it won't solve squat. I still suggest you tell your H about the affair. Go to marriage counseling to work through the damage done by that, as well as the pre-existing issues in your relationship. See what happens from there. But doing anything less than that is just wasting his effort on rebuilding things with you. 3
halfalive Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 This is pretty much the way I feel. I don't have the passionate romantic love with my H either. I'm not repulsed by him in any way. I love cuddling and being close to him, but that's it. It's like a nurturing love, and not that wild passionate intense thing. I don't think that we ever had that, even when we were dating. With xAP, it was so natural. Even now, when I think about him, that spark is there. When we talk at work, there is so much chemistry. However, I can't divorce my H. He is a great guy. We have a good thing going in lots of other ways. The A actually made me realize not only what I was missing, but also how good I have it with my H in lots of other ways. It's sad. It's basically security, stability, love and everything else vs chemistry and passion. I don't think I'll ever get that with him, but I guess I'm choosing everything else over being romantically satisfied. This is EXACTLY how I feel! You just described everything I feel, but haven't been able to put into words. I SO badly want this with my husband but it isn't there! It breaks my heart. I love him, love cuddling, and all that but the romantic passion is not there at all. I've thought about ending it, but having romantic passion with someone and none of the other stuff that I'm getting now doesn't sound ideal either. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I think women are more likely to leave using romantic love (whatever that means to each individual) as the barometer of the existing relationship. Most do not understand how love works. It might be a good google to really investigate how love constantly moves..until you reach mature love. To maintain a romantic style love, one would have to have a new relationship every few years.I have yet to see, the most romantic couples that I have met, last more than a few years...even look at those over the top celebrity loves...TomKatie SealHeidi. Long term loves are reality based. Understanding and accepting each others flaws. I totally understand why many men do not want to work on relationships where the woman is constantly moving the goalposts. Or kinda like Lucy, convincing Charlie Brown that this time...she won't pull the football away...only to find..that she again changed her mind. TC, your poor husband...doesn't matter what he does...he is wrong and its never enough. And you...always acting on each and every emotion that you have..justify your choices to yourself, never holding yourself accountable for your choices/flaws all the while using a laser pointer on his. 1
sunburned Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Thanks for a great post, charade! I feel much the same as you and many of the other MOW posters. I don't post often, but I realize this was the thread I was looking for as a lurker. Both MOW and single OW can become emotional train wrecks. But the singles can take care of themselves after the A and have hope of a new and satisfying healthy relationship. APs who are married have to return to their grind, maintain a happy household for their children, spouse, etc. I am not complaining as I had the affair of my own free will but the first few weeks and months post A were/are hard. I was dying inside over guilt and missing my AP -- two conflicting emotions which rendered me useless as a wife and mother for a while. Never again will I have an A. I am lucky I still have the nurturing, cuddly love in my M. The chemistry and passion? Not so much. I don't know if it's authentic or not but, as psm04 articulated so much better, I too have decided the "trade" is worth it. I believe an A can shine an unflattering light on an M. There are usually problems long before the A, but they become problems on steroids during and after the A. One thing we must remember is the rush of excitement (the escape from pain, tedium, routine or whatever) from our A's would probably not have lasted either. As many threads have suggested, affair love usually (usually!) wilts when exposed to the light of day. At the same time, I would hate to suggest anyone settle either. Charade, if you feel like you and H are both making the effort and it's still not working, is it possible to do a trial separation? Best of luck. 2
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