oldshirt Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 ...Oh and yes, any guy spending any amounts of personal time with some woman that is not a close female relative at a family reunion is waiting for a green-light to take to the bait. Period.
Author gluestick341 Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 Oldshirt, thanks for writing so much. I am planning on talking to her as mature beings but I am not sure if she can handle that. She seems somewhat immature and strongly believes that she's always right, so its going to be difficult but I'm willing to hold on and work it out. Now that you say it, it does seem like I can only go with the flow since Nature is doing its work. Do u think its immature to be jealous over these things? As for the others, thanks for your input as well. As a guy myself, I totally know what it means to be "just friends" with a girl. Its just like how oldshirt put it, we're "waiting in the wings all along just hoping for opportunity to come a knock'n" and that sucks.
bubbaganoosh Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Oldshirt, thanks for writing so much. I am planning on talking to her as mature beings but I am not sure if she can handle that. She seems somewhat immature and strongly believes that she's always right, so its going to be difficult but I'm willing to hold on and work it out She isn't "somewhat immature", SHE IS IMMATURE! Trying to talk common sense with any immature person be it man or woman is like arguing with your shadow. Nothing comes of it. She's afraid to say no. Wanna go to a movie? Yes but she doesn't really want to. Go to dinner? Yes. Even though she's not hungry. What happens if it rains and she gets a bit damp. "Hey! Better get out of all your clothes and jump in bed with me so we don't catch a death of a cold." Oh my! Can't catch a cold can we? Your involved with a girl who feels like she can do what she wants, whenever she wants and with who she wants and and it doesn't mean squat how you feel about it because if you complain your controlling. Your supposed to be a couple yet she feels that your only a couple when she feels like it. What's wrong with this picture? Dude. Find a girl whose a bit more grown up and leave her in the kiddie section where she belongs. You'll be doing yourself a great favor.
oldshirt Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 . . Do u think its immature to be jealous over these things? No. Just human.
todreaminblue Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 i dont think you are unreasonable at all......thATs the idea of commitment and loyalty in my mind.....no one on one and no physical contact i limit the hugs and cuddles....as well ...to guy friends who i know wont take me the wrong way.....or i get myself in trouble...deb
oldshirt Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Oldshirt, thanks for writing so much. I am planning on talking to her as mature beings but I am not sure if she can handle that. She seems somewhat immature and strongly believes that she's always right, so its going to be difficult but I'm willing to hold on and work it out. Now that you say it, it does seem like I can only go with the flow since Nature is doing its work. . She can handle it. She's the expert in manipulation and psych ops. You are just the spectator and test subject. She's actually the one that's in charge of the situation here. Just keep in mind she isn't going to contribute very much meaningful dialog to it. She's going to deny everything. Tell you everything you want to hear. And twist everything around to make you out to be the bad guy and the one that's breaking her little heart. .....and guess where she is going to go with her tears and sob story and guess who's gonna be there with a box of tissues and a shoulder to cry and going to tell her how a$$holish the big bad boyfriend is and that she is too cute and too perfect for anyone to treat her that way and that if she was his girl, he'd never do anything like that to her. Yep, she's already won this round but do it anyway. It's the right thing to do and you'll both be better off in the long run. But, I digressed. Just keep in mind she's going to deny everything and twist everything around to make you look bad and she's going to pin everything on you for being "controlling" and 'possesive' and domineering blah blah blah. It's not going to be resolved in one convo. this is going to play out over weeks and is going to be a roller coaster of emotions and there will be tears and drama etc. (some of them will even be her's LOL:laugh:) In the end, she is going to be saying one thing but doing something completely different. Actions speak louder than words and her actions are that she is spending increasing amounts of time with another guy and pushing you out of her life more and more. Just remember this is about you and what is best for you. If it is unacceptable for you to exclusively date and invest your heart into someone that hangs out with other dudes and keeps you at arms length, then you gotta do what you gotta do. That's the steps to manhood. You have no control over her. You can only control yourself and what you do. Either you are investing your time, money, heart and energy into a gal that meets your expectations, or you don't.
crederer Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 OP, I don't really know how to handle this. All I can say is that based on the info, I truly don't think your girl is looking for anything more than friendship. I also don't think this "friend" is looking for just a friendship. You gotta put an end to it (my opinion as a guy. Pretty sure most guys will say the same and some females will say that this is simply a jealous statement). Good luck, bro.
nomadic_butterfly Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 (edited) I had this talk with my GF a few days ago. I told her I don't like it when she goes out with guys one on one and it bothers me. I wouldn't do that to her but she said she said she doesn't see anything wrong with that. Just because some of her friends go out with other guys one on one to movies, dinners and such, she thinks its totally normal to hang out with a guy on one one. She thinks I'm restricting and immature for not letting her go out with guys alone so I wanted to ask the loveshack community if my ideas are too extreme or is it really wrong to go out one on one with the opposite in a committed relationship? It depends. It is a common scenario where someone cheats/ suddenly goes off with the supposed male or female friend he/she was close to during their relationship. I've been dumped only to have the next week the guy's new gf is the so called friend whom he was always out with and told our relationship problems too. One of my best friend's is a guy and I've known him for 10 yrs and I am not giving him up for ANYONE. When I go back to his neck of the woods however, I try to hang out with both him AND his girlfriend. She's gotten to know me and I am not sexually attracted to him AND I am not scandalous so I'd never cross the line and home wreck. I think with friends of the opposite sex, you NEED TO MEET THEM. The guy who broke up with me and dated his "friend", when I met her she could barely look me in the eye. She did a few other questionable things that tells me she was scheming on my man from the get go. The key things for me besides meeting is setting clear boundaries. I don't feel comfortable if this "friend" is an ex! I don't feel comfortable if you met her after we got together at like a bar or somewhere like that and you exchanged #s. I don't feel comfortable with for instance a one on one where my man is paying for everything. That's a DATE. I also don't want him telling a female friend all of our issues. You also shouldn't be hanging out with a particular female friend as much as me or even every week. Only once in a while because that's how inappropriate emotional attachments develop. I also don't like a female calling all the time while we're together or calling late/incessant texts. And lastly, if the woman friend explicitly or implicitly hits on you or expresses interest in you, you dismiss her. She is spending way too much time with a man she just met and it sounds like dates to me. I read your later posts and there's no way she should be hanging out with a new guy whom she met only 3 weeks ago. Tell her you'd like to see the three of you hang out some time and she if she shoots it down or is open to it. If she or he objects you already have your answer. She is only 18 so she might still be naive and gullible. Edited December 2, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I truly don't think your girl is looking for anything more than friendship. I also don't think this "friend" is looking for just a friendship. Precisely... however, the title of this thread is more random, than specific to this one couple. So while some would see a double standard in the indisputable realities about the differences between male and female as it relates to "going out with the opposite sex one on one in a committed relationship", it remains true that women can indeed manage that without so much as an impure thought - as they've always been able to get sex whenever they want it, and thus they don't have to make every encounter a 'possibility' that way. So as this guy's concern is the woman in the equation, any mandate put forth by him may indeed come across as being rather controlling. Were the gender roles reversed, she would have the pussy, and thus she would have the power, and she would be 100% correct in wielding her leverage to dissuade (her) partner from straying off toward other women. 1
CrystalCastles Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I really wonder why some people are so certain that people in committed relationships who make friends with the opposite sex are looking for backups. I have many male friends that I'm very close with who are either in LTRs or married, and there has never been a boundary crossed (well except with one case, but it's complicated- he started pursuing me, courting me against his gf's wishes, and both me and her put a stop to this "friendship"). People who have good boundaries can be friends with the opposite sex. Its a huge generalization to assume that one in a committed R is friends with members of the opposite sex to get validation/sex/attention, etc etc. This is may be the case for some people, but it isn't for everyone.
Shepp Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 What if the girl DOESN"T let me hunt him down...she swears theres nothin between them and thinks I shouldn't be ruining her friendships because its a free world. This leads to oldshirt's leader theory thing, and I guess it means her and I aren't on the same level of "commitment" with each other. Yeah I don't mean while there just friends tough, I mean if he ever made a move on my girlfriend - then I hunt him down! Maybe, I didn't read what he wrote, however if you feel like that then that's good enough! but like I say I have girl mates and it doesn't affect my commitment to my girlfriend!
hotpotato Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Um, that doesnt seem right to me. Would she be ok with it if the tables turned and you were spending a lot of time with other women? One on one dinners? That sounds like courtship not friendship. Even if she sees him as friendly, the one on one time is giving him the wrong impression.
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