Going out with the opposite sex one on one in a committed relationship?

[gluestick341]

I had this talk with my GF a few days ago. I told her I don't like it when she goes out with guys one on one and it bothers me. I wouldn't do that to her but she said she said she doesn't see anything wrong with that. Just because some of her friends go out with other guys one on one to movies, dinners and such, she thinks its totally normal to hang out with a guy on one one.

 

She thinks I'm restricting and immature for not letting her go out with guys alone so I wanted to ask the loveshack community if my ideas are too extreme or is it really wrong to go out one on one with the opposite in a committed relationship?

[ConstantVoyager]

I have no problem with opposite-sex friends when you're in a relationship. There are lines that shouldn't be crossed. No overnight stays. No physical contact beyond hugging hello and goodbye. No sharing information that your partner has asked you not to share.

 

I wouldn't date a man who wouldn't let me (a woman) keep my best friend (a man).

[elbe]

I'm not sure I would be comfortable with that either... A movie is a date IMO especially if you are never invited..

[gluestick341]

I wouldn't date a man who wouldn't let me (a woman) keep my best friend (a man).

 

What if I came first before the best friend/ normal friend (a man)?

---

As for elbe, Im not comfortable either but she doesn't seem to agree with me

[husker1989]

My gf has guy friends who have shown interested in her and have texted her as such. However she has showed me these texts and promptly put to bed anything futher. She stood her ground and told them she is dating me. Your gf can sure have guy friends. But there should be no touching beyond hugging, no spending the nights, nothing along those lines. Is he wants to go to a movie with your gf, suggest a double date (you and your gf go together and then your gf brings a female friend along to go with her guy friend). That is what I'd suggest.

[crederer]

Just yesterday I had this conversation with my brother and his girlfriend. She's physically very attractive. Guys try to be friends with her all the time. Like literally every day.

 

Her side of the story (along with my mother's and my sisters) was that they are just friends and blah blah blah.

 

I believe that SHE believes that to be true. But all the males were saying guys don't become friends with girls unless they're hoping for more.

 

Now there are certainly exceptions. but if you're a female in a relationship, there's no need to make new friends with males. They're looking for the same thing 99% of the time. Don't tell me you're part of the 1%.

[gluestick341]

Well guy friends are ok with me but it bothers me that they're "hanging out"...now that you guys say it, its fine to go out but with restrictions? THe thing is my gf is totally naive and can't feel it if some guy is trying to get in her pants, and shes totally against me barging in her social life.

[gluestick341]

Just yesterday I had this conversation with my brother and his girlfriend. She's physically very attractive. Guys try to be friends with her all the time. Like literally every day.

 

Her side of the story (along with my mother's and my sisters) was that they are just friends and blah blah blah.

 

I believe that SHE believes that to be true. But all the males were saying guys don't become friends with girls unless they're hoping for more.

 

Now there are certainly exceptions. but if you're a female in a relationship, there's no need to make new friends with males. They're looking for the same thing 99% of the time. Don't tell me you're part of the 1%.

 

SPOT ON. My gf doesn't understand this and still stands her ground when she wants to hang out with guys one on one. Just to make this worse, she has a problem with saying "no" to anyone. When guys go like: "hey want to go to a movie"? She says yes even if she doesn't want to go because she feels embarrassed to say no.

[crederer]

Well guy friends are ok with me but it bothers me that they're "hanging out"...now that you guys say it, its fine to go out but with restrictions? THe thing is my gf is totally naive and can't feel it if some guy is trying to get in her pants, and shes totally against me barging in her social life.

 

Yah man, that's the same with my brother's girl. I don't think she thinks he's going for that, but it's likely he is. Guys are different than girls. They think that guys think the same as them. They don't.

[oldshirt]

Her idea of committed relationship is different than yours.

 

Her idea of a committed relationship is it is OK to cultivate a variety of back-up plans and Plan B's and Plan C's and Plan D's and have a variety of orbiters waiting in the wings for that one day when you disappoint her or make her mad or don't her enough attention or don't make her feel a validated as she thinks you should etc etc etc etc etc

 

If she says she's committed to you, I think she means that she is committed to you 'TODAY,' but obviously is keeping her options open and has a variety of back up plans for tomorrow.

 

It's up to you to decide if this is acceptable to you or not.

[d0nnivain]

It depends. Were the guys her friends before she dated you? Did they behave this way then? Do everybody pay their own way? If you wanted to tag along would you be welcome? do the guys know you exist? Are these on weeknights or on Fridays / Saturday? Have any of these guys expressed an interest in dating or her or do you think they want to date her?

 

 

I often have lunch with friends of the opposite sex when I run into them at work; sometimes but rarely it's planned. I've been known to grab a drink with friends of the opposite sex but everybody knows where the lines are. I will often reach out for my husband (or BF at the time) & say hey, I'm in XYZ bar with ________ stop by.

[gluestick341]

Her idea of committed relationship is different than yours.

 

Her idea of a committed relationship is it is OK to cultivate a variety of back-up plans and Plan B's and Plan C's and Plan D's and have a variety of orbiters waiting in the wings for that one day when you disappoint her or make her mad or don't her enough attention or don't make her feel a validated as she thinks you should etc etc etc etc etc

 

If she says she's committed to you, I think she means that she is committed to you 'TODAY,' but obviously is keeping her options open and has a variety of back up plans for tomorrow.

 

It's up to you to decide if this is acceptable to you or not.

 

Ive never thought of it like that. Does this mean I have a ..uh...how should I put this.....a difficult woman on my hands?

[mammasita]

LOL, Hell **** no.

[oldshirt]

THe thing is my gf is totally naive and can't feel it if some guy is trying to get in her pants, and shes totally against me barging in her social life.

 

No, she knows fully well what's going on.

 

And she's not against you barging in to her social life. She's against you interfering with it.

 

Let me guess, she's one of those girls that's never gone a week without a boyfriend since she was 15.

 

These are all guys that are basically warming up on deck. You never know when you are going to need a pinch-hitter.

 

If you aren't familiar with it, look up "the Ladder Theory." It does a pretty good job of explaining why a lot of girls always keep a good supply of men "friends" around at any time.

 

If they have a stable full of men scrabbling for top position on her 'friend' ladder, then it's an easy jump for them when she has an opening on her 'boyfriend' ladder.

 

This gal is in a committed relationship but her primary commitment is to making sure that she isn't without stable full of men to pick from.

 

Time to start preparing yourself to be replaced here pretty soon.

[gluestick341]

It depends. Were the guys her friends before she dated you? Did they behave this way then? Do everybody pay their own way? If you wanted to tag along would you be welcome? do the guys know you exist? Are these on weeknights or on Fridays / Saturday? Have any of these guys expressed an interest in dating or her or do you think they want to date her?

 

 

I often have lunch with friends of the opposite sex when I run into them at work; sometimes but rarely it's planned. I've been known to grab a drink with friends of the opposite sex but everybody knows where the lines are. I will often reach out for my husband (or BF at the time) & say hey, I'm in XYZ bar with ________ stop by.

 

No, she just met this guy friend 3 weeks ago and they're spending a lot of time with each other. They take the bus to school together (its a 1 hour commute), spend breaks at school together and now they're starting to hang out together. They hang out on Sundays and I really can't tell if the guy wants to "date her" or just honestly be friends with her. She has a great impression of him and hes one of those angelic guys that can cook, has motivation, very nice and doesn't look that awful either. Ive never asked if I could tag along but it'll be really awkward if I do and she'll go ballistics on me if I try to enter her social life cause she thinks im insecure.

[gluestick341]

No, she knows fully well what's going on.

 

And she's not against you barging in to her social life. She's against you interfering with it.

 

Let me guess, she's one of those girls that's never gone a week without a boyfriend since she was 15.

 

These are all guys that are basically warming up on deck. You never know when you are going to need a pinch-hitter.

 

If you aren't familiar with it, look up "the Ladder Theory." It does a pretty good job of explaining why a lot of girls always keep a good supply of men "friends" around at any time.

 

If they have a stable full of men scrabbling for top position on her 'friend' ladder, then it's an easy jump for them when she has an opening on her 'boyfriend' ladder.

 

This gal is in a committed relationship but her primary commitment is to making sure that she isn't without stable full of men to pick from.

 

Time to start preparing yourself to be replaced here pretty soon.

 

Yes you're right she hasn't been single since she was 13..now shes 18 but I've been with her since she was 15 so yea. The Ladder theory, thanks! I've never heard of it but I'm doing some research on it right now and it seems pretty logical. And I'm definitely going to getting prepared to get replaced..do you guys think I should confront her about this first?

[oldshirt]

Ive never thought of it like that. Does this mean I have a ..uh...how should I put this.....a difficult woman on my hands?

 

 

Not for long.

 

 

It simply means she's not really committed, not really focused on you and not in it for the long haul.

 

It means she is not seeing any kind of permanence in your relationship and isn't seeing you as "the one,' at this time. She's keeping her options open and keeping replacements warmed up on deck.

 

She may not have any other penises in her jay-jay at this time and so she is viewing this as exclusive but she's certainly far from being all-in. she is justifying it by telling you and others that they are "just friends" when in reality they are a reserve pool to be called in at a moments notice.

 

This "commitment" you mentioned in your title is largely a matter of semantics and definition. She's defining it as a committed relationship where she is basically allowed to date others as long as it is not labeled as dates and she is the one that has control of the label-maker at the moment.

 

You are in the #1 spot as long as you never disappoint her, make her mad, irritate her, fail to live up to her expectations, neglect her (according to her definition of neglect) and as long as none of these other guys are ever better looking, taller, buffer, better hung, make more money, are more charming, are better liked by her friends etc etc etc

[Shepp]

I'm okay with it...

 

I might grab lunch with one of my girl mates that I literally grew up with, and my girlfriend never makes a big deal! It's totally platonic! Like brother/sister!

 

My gf, most of her mates are guys - most of them are mutual friends of mine as well so i wouldn't throw a strop of she saw one of them one on one and I couldn't make it (but if there a mutual mate then obviously I'd want an invite - I'm not having my friens inviting my gf out and ditching me )

 

Shes got a couple of lads she's fiends with who I've only met once or twice - and I know they fancy her, but she's beautiful why wouldn't they! I guess I'm used to other guys hitting on her, it's fine cause she picks me!

But I wouldn't be chuffed with her going out one on one with a particular one of them all the time like every other week cause, he'd probably think he's got shot

 

 

.....which he wouldn't have cause I would Hunt him down

[gluestick341]

Not for long.

 

 

It simply means she's not really committed, not really focused on you and not in it for the long haul.

 

It means she is not seeing any kind of permanence in your relationship and isn't seeing you as "the one,' at this time. She's keeping her options open and keeping replacements warmed up on deck.

 

She may not have any other penises in her jay-jay at this time and so she is viewing this as exclusive but she's certainly far from being all-in. she is justifying it by telling you and others that they are "just friends" when in reality they are a reserve pool to be called in at a moments notice.

 

This "commitment" you mentioned in your title is largely a matter of semantics and definition. She's defining it as a committed relationship where she is basically allowed to date others as long as it is not labeled as dates and she is the one that has control of the label-maker at the moment.

 

You are in the #1 spot as long as you never disappoint her, make her mad, irritate her, fail to live up to her expectations, neglect her (according to her definition of neglect) and as long as none of these other guys are ever better looking, taller, buffer, better hung, make more money, are more charming, are better liked by her friends etc etc etc

 

What am I supposed to do? Just go with the flow and expect the worse? I mean I don't have a technical reason to dump her YET

[oldshirt]

. And I'm definitely going to getting prepared to get replaced..do you guys think I should confront her about this first?

 

And how do you confront this exactly???? what do you say?

 

She's 18. she's entering adulthood. She's approaching the point in her life where she will have the most dating and mate-selection market value in her life?

 

Are you the tallest, richest, best looking, highest social value male that she is going to have access too?????

 

If she were to write in these forums as an 18 year and tell us that she has been with her high school sweetheart since 15 and is now wanting to get out and spread her wings and see what life has to offer her out there, what do you think we should tell her?????????????????

 

I think both of you need to be open and honest with each other and compassionate and respectfull of each other. She doesn't have the right to p!ss on your shoes and tell you that you're standing in the rain. She doesn't have the right to keep you hanging on expecting and hoping for what she isn't capable or willing to deliver. She doesn't have the right to pump you up and tell you you are her one and only and her one true love on Friday and then dump you on Saturday (I've been there/done that when an old GF of mine was doing to me what she is to you)

 

She doesn't have the right to keep you on the shelf and keep you hanging on believing she is all-in while she is interviewing, giving tryouts to and lining up your replacements.

 

HOWEVER -

 

You don't really have the right to impede her growth and development as a person and as a woman either. You don't have the right to tell her who she can and can't see as a single adult woman. You don't have the right to restrict her friendships and her comings and goings. And ultimately you don't have any right to tell her what to do with her vagina.

 

You don't have any right to dictate her sexuality, you only have the right to state the terms of YOUR involvement with her. You can only state what terms you will and will not accept in exchange for your continued relationship with her.

 

The way I see it, you have some options here -

 

- try to maintain status quo and just be prepared for her to tell you, "we need to have a talk" or to just simply not be available one day and find out a few days later she is all hot and heavy with someone else.

 

- try to demand that she stop seeing these other dudes and have her get all pissy and bitter and vengeful and start messing around behind your back.

 

- Get down on one knee and propose marriage and delay this whole process and then go through it several years down the road and be dealing with a wayward wife who's messing around and now you have to deal with a divorce with minor children and car payments and a mortgage to split up.

 

- start getting out and building up a supportive social circle and start going out with some "friends" of your own and wait for the inevitable drama and fireworks once you both bump into each other on separate dates at the soda shop.

 

- start having some heart to heart discussions on where each of you is seeing this relationship going and coming up with some exit strategies where you can at least maintain some compassion and respect for each other before things really do blow up and there are truly hurt feelings and bitterness and resentments.

[gluestick341]

I'm okay with it...

 

I might grab lunch with one of my girl mates that I literally grew up with, and my girlfriend never makes a big deal! It's totally platonic! Like brother/sister!

 

My gf, most of her mates are guys - most of them are mutual friends of mine as well so i wouldn't throw a strop of she saw one of them one on one and I couldn't make it (but if there a mutual mate then obviously I'd want an invite - I'm not having my friens inviting my gf out and ditching me )

 

Shes got a couple of lads she's fiends with who I've only met once or twice - and I know they fancy her, but she's beautiful why wouldn't they! I guess I'm used to other guys hitting on her, it's fine cause she picks me!

But I wouldn't be chuffed with her going out one on one with a particular one of them all the time like every other week cause, he'd probably think he's got shot

 

 

.....which he wouldn't have cause I would Hunt him down

 

What if the girl DOESN"T let me hunt him down...she swears theres nothin between them and thinks I shouldn't be ruining her friendships because its a free world. This leads to oldshirt's leader theory thing, and I guess it means her and I aren't on the same level of "commitment" with each other.

[oldshirt]

What am I supposed to do? Just go with the flow and expect the worse? I mean I don't have a technical reason to dump her YET

 

We are kind of cross-posting on each other. read my post with your possible options and see if anything them make sense to you.

 

I can't say that either of you has committed any kind of foul deserving of a dumping at this point yet. It's all a free market place and if you want to go out on dates with each other and do things together then by all means do so.

 

Neither of you are deserving of hate or condemnation here at all. This is Mother Nature at work and nature taking it's course here.

 

IMHO I don't the need to dump her but both of you are at a very unstable time of rapid change in your lives and I think a serious, adult discussion on the terms of your "commitment" is in order here.

 

I'm going to get all Jedi and Star Wars on you here but I think if you were to really search your feelings here, you will have to admit that you too are wanting to stretch your wings and explore other options and graze in other pastures too.

 

I understand both of you wanting to have the safety and security of having someone special to call your own but asking an 18 year old to be romantically and sexually exclusive is often asking for more than what they can deliver whether they be male or female.

 

You want someone to be with you because they want to be, not because they HAVE to be. I really think you asking her to be completely committed to you heart, sole and jay-jay is setting her up to fail and setting yourself up to be hurt and vice versa.

 

Uncle Oldshirt's recommendation is this situation is to date and enjoy each other's company when the opportunity and the desire arises but without commitment or obligation and allow each other the freedom to grow and develop as adults.

 

Make no mistake, it will be very tough to do and there will be tears and sleepless nights for both of you.

 

But trying to maintain an ongoing commitment and exclusivity will be tougher and will set both of you up for anger, hurt, bitterness and lasting resentments in addition to a few tears and sleepless nights now.

[StanMusial]

No, she just met this guy friend 3 weeks ago and they're spending a lot of time with each other. They take the bus to school together (its a 1 hour commute), spend breaks at school together and now they're starting to hang out together. They hang out on Sundays and I really can't tell if the guy wants to "date her" or just honestly be friends with her. She has a great impression of him and hes one of those angelic guys that can cook, has motivation, very nice and doesn't look that awful either. Ive never asked if I could tag along but it'll be really awkward if I do and she'll go ballistics on me if I try to enter her social life cause she thinks im insecure.

 

First of all, she just met this dude, and she's spending a lot of time with him. That's shady.

 

Second of all, if you are bf/gf, what the hell man? You ARE IN her social life, you're not trying to ENTER it. Maybe he does just want to be friends with her, there's always that chance, but why can't you all hang out together? Why does she want to spend her free time with a guy she sees frequently at school? I gotta say, it's not looking good for you.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I had this talk with my GF a few days ago. I told her I don't like it when she goes out with guys one on one and it bothers me. I wouldn't do that to her but she said she said she doesn't see anything wrong with that. Just because some of her friends go out with other guys one on one to movies, dinners and such, she thinks its totally normal to hang out with a guy on one one.

 

She thinks I'm restricting and immature for not letting her go out with guys alone so I wanted to ask the loveshack community if my ideas are too extreme or is it really wrong to go out one on one with the opposite in a committed relationship?

 

 

 

It's probably wrong, according to traditional standards, and in light of "equality"... but it's also true that women can very easily maintain mere friendships with men without having romantic interest in those men.

 

(women can get sex anytime they want - so they don't need to seek sex from every guy who is nearby)

 

The only serious concern, unless you give more detail, is that just about any male in the role of her seeming 'friend', would much prefer to be in her pants. (save for situations relating to various neighbors, family friends, and coworkers, etc.)

[oldshirt]

It's probably wrong, according to traditional standards, and in light of "equality"... but it's also true that women can very easily maintain mere friendships with men without having romantic interest in those men.

 

(women can get sex anytime they want - so they don't need to seek sex from every guy who is nearby)

 

The only serious concern, unless you give more detail, is that just about any male in the role of her seeming 'friend', would much prefer to be in her pants. (save for situations relating to various neighbors, family friends, and coworkers, etc.)

 

Yes, but the issue with that is people's sexualities are very fluid, cyclical and influenced by a wide varieties of situations and conditions.

 

A gal can have a steady BF/SO/spouse and have a variety of male "friends" that she considers off the table for sex and as just friends and companions.

 

The problem is there are always going to be times that she is upset with, disappointed in, mad at, insecure with and a whole host of problems with her BF/SO/spouse at any given time and if one of those times occurs while she happens to be ovulating and said BF/SO/spouse is out of sight and one of the "friends" just happens to have the right words, right wink, right cologne and right charm at that moment, then the fireworks can go off.

 

Her excuse will be, "it just happened."

 

But we all know it didn't, "just happen." He was waiting in the wings all along just hoping for opportunity to come a knock'n. and when the perfect storm of events all lined up, one of those, "just friends" now has a pair of legs over his shoulders.

 

Everyone has friends, coworkers, neighbors, classmates etc etc that we all coexist with. The redflags in all these situations are when someone is interacting with these people at the exclusion of their SO and when there is increasing amounts of time and energy being spent and the dialog and interaction is getting more and more personal.

 

If someone is seeing a 'friend' and they are intentionally excluding their SO and they are accusing their SO of interfering or barging in with their friendships or they are feeling the need to keep their SO from finding out or knowing the full extent of their interactions, it's because they are either intending to tear off some extra nookie or they are warming up the next batter on deck.