Am I being selfish? Left alone at cross road :(

[NowYouSeeMe]

**This is a long post. I appreciate anyone who sincerely reads through it. Either way, thinking about and writing out my feelings did help more than I thought.**

Hi everyone.. Recently my BF and I have come to a cross road. I think of being so in love with this man. How caring he is towards me, how protective, nurturing.. How he pushes me to do better and gives me pep talks when I'm feeling down and low about myself. He truly wants the BEST for me. This is the man I knew and was mad about. He is *incredibly intelligent, and I thought he embodied everything I thought a man be about. In the past I've dated men who were not able to make me feel special or really wanted. I like being called "mine".

 

We were always in it for the long run, committed to each other and dedicated to make things work. Our next milestone was going to be moving in together after a tough time being long-distance (he would be the mover) this January. I was so thrilled. Until last week, when I felt like bricks were falling out of the sky and landing right on my head. I began realizing things and connecting the dots much too late and went into a frenzy of panic attacks.

 

All throughout our relationship he has expressed how he is a traditional "male" who simply can't accept his partner having close friendships with other men because "he knows how men are". He told me he was uncomfortable with my friendship with one of my closest friends because he saw him as a threat and was not going to make a foolish mistake of losing me. He said he trusted me no doubt, and even if he chose to trust my friend (didn't end up happening), he just could NOT trust the circumstances I was putting myself into. I ended up making the decision to keep some distance from this friend of mine until my BF and I moved in together, in hope that he would feel more confident in US and not be as weary about him, or anyone else. Now this was a very close friend of mine who in the past has had strong feelings for me, and I won't lie, at one point before my relationship I had feelings too. Nothing ever happened, though -- but I can understood why my BF would feel this way (he knew about our past- I don't keep ANYTHING from him.)

 

It's not like I only have male friends, in fact I have very few. I tend to get along better with women. I do however have some acquaintances that are men that I've met through college, work, volunteering at events (I don't go out very much). My BF seems to think of these men as potential threats, too.

*He has proven to be right about no man truly wanting to start a friendship with a woman who is known to be happily committed in a relationship- What does he have to gain?.. Keep in mind this is the older college crowd (I'm in med. college)*

So, trying to be the best GF I could, I listened to his side, agreed on a couple issues and did my part to make him feel loved and secure with US by just eliminating myself from interactions with any guy who may have a hidden agenda. I just wanted him to know how much I love him and that I'm trying.

Now, my BF has some baggage. I remember first meeting him and thinking, how numb is this guy? But time after, he was able to make me feel loved and cared for like no other -- despite what he has been through with his family, namely his father. In our low times he has expressed how sometimes he feels that he has lost the ability to feel sad anymore (this worries me a lot). It is as though his heart --which I know to be very big-- is caged and guarded and locked and sealed to everyone else. I am the only one with the key. How can I leave him when there is a chance that I can in someway restore his trust, make him an optimist, help him feel and express emotions.. sadness, happiness.

 

He does display anger in his attitude. Not towards me, but others. His father, strangers who rub him or me the wrong way, sometimes happy people! Men who can easily express their emotions and are in tune with themselves -- he will pass comments saying they are faking it or that it is "just a show". He says he respects those who can surpass the emotions (I don't think that means dealing with them) and overcoming their hardships. Like he "has". Outside, externally, he really has done well for himself and should be very proud considering the baggage. I guess he doesn't feel much pity for "crybabies" knowing how he managed to get out from his own he!!.

 

OK. Now where I worry for myself: I've really been trying to grow as a person. I felt terrible detaching myself from my guy-friend who I truly enjoyed having in my life. (I am VERY loyal to my BF and he was always #1). Some days back an old friend had come back into my life after about 1-2 years of not speaking- He was going through his own experiences and traveling, finding himself. He's come back renewed, with a lovely lady in his life, and ready to explore our friendship again. I met him when I was going through a big change in my life, a tough time. He listened to me the whole way through, and always with the purest and clean intentions of being there as a friend to help me grow. Unlike a lot of men, he is very in-tune with his emotions and actively works on himself for a positive change. He too came with a lot of baggage that till this day, he overcomes beautifully. I explained to my BF how special this FRIEND is to me, and again as usual he made some comments.. "Well, why would a guy do x and y and z and he must be xyz"

 

I stopped there and let it all sink in. Not this friend. For the first time I was seeing how much work he really needed to do on himself. I asked him "Why do you deserve me?" (Not to be proudy or conceited.. but I wanted to know what efforts in our relationship has HE made in communicating with me, compromising.. etc.) He couldn't give me an answer that I could swallow.

 

-I don't judge people (no)

-I work hard (yes)

-I don't cheat others (yes)

-I love you so much (yes)

 

In the end it really felt as though I was meeting him more than half way and he was doing less on his part. I have asked him to try and better himself in order to feel happier and not let his past affect so much how he behaves today.

 

"Come meet these wonderful and nice people.. Let's try this.. Try taking up a hobby doing something you like.. maybe write or read or play your guitar or piano.. try leading a healthier lifestyle baby, it will really make you feel better about yourself and more confident and able (he smokes) --And I'll be right here to help you. Will you let me? Are you willing to work on yourself for me?" ............... "I can't. I'm like this and I know I can't change. I am happy the way I am (yeah right) . I've really gone through some really bad times and I'm not interested in becoming a project anymore. I do love you so much but you can only accept me this way."

Ouch.

 

At this point a lot of thoughts are going through my mind.

1. If I really love him like I'm so sure I did, do I accept him this way?

2. How can I love him so much and tolerate seeing him this numb?

3. Do I stay with him and work it out hoping for the best, knowing that he is very stubborn to change?

4. I know it will end up putting boundaries on me. He cannot be so in control of my journey. I need to make my own mistakes.

5. His insecure behavior will handicap me.

6. He is not even OPEN to my help and is giving me an ultimatum. What do I do?! Does he not care enough?

7. He is so hurt he thinks he's a lost cause. Is it his fault he doesn't feel like trying? Or do I demand he try for me if he cares?

 

It's obvious to me and others who really try learning about themselves and growing from any baggage (we all have some, right?) that he is not expressing himself in a healthy way and really internalizing his anger. He can be jealous and insecure when it's not needed. I think it goes numb<-anger<-deep sadness. Just so many layers.

 

It's hard because I do feel how much he loves me. He never has been shy in telling me. He is an intense character who has been hurt. I see a lot of myself in him. He is not my project, but someone I love and care about. I want to see him shine and conquer his past, not live the after effects. Doing this, he will bring me down with him.

 

I can't have that. These are my basic requirements: love me honestly and purely -- and help me and you grow to be better by learning and communicating with each other. Isn't that what a relationship is after all? Relating our experiences and lives? Doing it together, for each other? I understand why for men it's a lot harder to express emotions. I know they call it being "simple", but with him, I believe there are more layers hiding his hurt and unwillingness to be truly happy.

 

Last night, in tears , met at a cross roads where it felt like I was the only one standing, I had to end it with him for the sake of myself. I feel so terrible and there is a resounding guilt inside of me. I was the only one with the key to peek inside. I hoped I would be the one for who he would want to grow and reflect and feel. I don't know if I am making the right decision. If he doesn't want to change then I'm going to be exhausting myself trying to keep him at peace thereby denying myself. I really do love him and it is so horrible knowing that he won't accept my efforts or help -- not because I feel rejected, but because he is denying himself so much he deserves. There is turmoil everywhere inside of us right now.

 

I guess this sudden cloud over my paradise is a caution signal. Like I said, we had made plans to move in together this coming January after a long time together and the recent part being long-distance. We're both matured adults and both of us consider moving in together a SERIOUS promise to each other. I am strict with the way I handle myself in relationships. I'm loyal, committed, I like to see "US" thrive, and when I decide on such a big step, I do mean business. I would not back out easily once I take the leap. So, these issues are crucial for me to consider and reflect on before the commitment.

 

As of now, he is sorry he cannot change for me. I know inside he is a victim too, but it's me in tears and he is the one consoling me. In our break-up moment when I was breaking down, his hand rested on me.. steady but heavy. We'll be staying friends he says. Believe me when I say he loves me.. he is not a selfish soul. He has done so much for me and made me feel special in difficult times. Still, very broken about the end result.. Somewhere praying there is still hope.. Even more broken knowing he is hiding his hurt. Jaded knowing Love can sometimes not be enough for two loving people.

 

 

**Thanks to anyone who took the time to read all of this. I know it's long and somehow dramatic, but it's what's inside.. and now it's out...**

[elbe]

Holy cow.. is this the rough draft for one of your medical research papers? jk...

 

Despite what you say, I don't think you are ready to be tied down and certainly not in the manner which this man intends to tie you down. You really want to help him which of course is in your nature (medical school) but self-sacrafice for someone who doesn't even want to help themselves is a sin.

 

This guy is a manic depressive which isn't his fault but he is also jealous and controlling. That's a lot to undertake especially with someone who has many male friends and is of the "free-bird" personality type.

 

As bad as I feel for the guy, it's not going to help either of you if he brings you down to his level. This guy needs to figure it out on his own before you could ever have a successful relationship with him.

 

God forbid the two of you moved in together and he questions your every move. That would be about enough to drive you INSANE.

 

You have great intentions but maybe you should stop chasing the mysterious/hurting personality type and find someone with a bit more in common. This particular relationship is probably not one that I would recommend pursuing any further.

[NowYouSeeMe]

Thanks so much for your time elbe, it does mean a lot that you read through all of my chaos, lol.

 

Yes, you are right. It is a sin to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I know it inside, too.

 

It is in my nature to want to heal a bird with a broken wing. I work hard to try and overcome my own issues. That can only be done by analyzing yourself and communicating -- and you cannot force that. When I see people with fresher wounds or scars that have been untouched -- count on me to try and touch it.

 

Our personalities have clashed on multiple occasions where he's asked me to be more respectful of his lifestyle and of what he does not find appropriate. I have listened and compromised but in the long run I do see myself needing space and more freedom to interact with whom I like. I don't want to have regrets years after, and then hold him accountable for them. It is my choice now.

 

I think it's hard not knowing whether or not he will actually figure it out for himself. I've invested a lot of time and energy in our relationship (1 year). If I leave, I want to know that he'll be OK. But again, it may not be my place.

 

I can be a friend, however. I need to know that I did my best to help him. It's not my fault he can't accept my help and I have to learn to let go of this guilt.

 

And yes, I do need to stop chasing the mysterious/hurting types. God knows I run to them. :')

[headinthecloud]

It sounds as though you're finding it difficult to cope with the fact he doesn't want to put effort into improving his health, which is completely the opposite of you - especially with you studying to be an MD...good health is part of your life mission. He's likely not manic but he clearly suffers from depression. The baggage that he carries will likely always be there and it seems that he deals with his anxiety through self-destructive behavior - classic symptom of depression for people who suffered emotionally traumatic events growing up.

 

I think you have to ask yourself one question, "does he fulfill my needs?"

 

The controlling and jealousy issue can be problematic but he is right - men and women cannot be friends (especially when there were feelings at one point...very rare for wo/men to be platonic). However, he should not be telling you who you can and can't be friends with - that's a deal breaker in my books. The only exception is if he has valid reason to distrust a friend (e.g. betrayal) and expresses his concern. In either case, it's your choice who you want to be friends with, not his. It sounds like he's asking too much of you in this respect and that's not fair of him to do that to you.

 

There is no one perfect guy out there. If youre considering a future with him you have to figure out what personality traits/characteristics you are willing to settle on and which are deal breakers. He sounds like a wonderful guy who has some issues. Be clear about you needs in the relationship. Also be reasonable about what needs can be filled by your partner and which you need to fulfill on your own. It's ok to be selfish in this respect because if he can't meet your needs then the relationship will become toxic over time.