Not Sure How to Deal With The Breakup still 8 Months Later

[Ryanic]

Backstory:

 

So it's been coming up on just 8 months since my ex gf broke up with me after being together for 2.25 years. We were our first real relationships together, firsts of everything really. We started dating in our senior year of high school and ended up (Not on purpose) going to the same college. We made the same group of friends and stuff and were together until about a month and a half from finishing our sophmore year of college.

 

When she broke up with me I was devastated. We had a same class together and it was really hard to deal with that. We had the same friend group and lived two apartment rooms down from each other. Since I was devastated I didn't give her the space she needed from the beginning of the breakup and she got pushed far, VERY far away from me. She started hanging out with her roommates bf's roommates and she started a thing with one of them only like a month after we broke up. It tore me up and I still didn't really leave her alone which I know I should have now.

 

She talked to one our of mutual friends about 2.5 weeks after our breakup and told her that she thought she might give me a second chance eventually if I gave her space, (I didn't know that she said this for awhile after though, and by the time I found out it was too late because she got to the point where she got cold with me and didn't even acknowledge me the last few weeks of sophmore year of college.) She gave up our mutual friends and started drinking and stuff even though she never ever wanted to drink prior to our breakup.

 

Anyways I made the mistake of doing something really dumb after 2 months into the breakup and it ended up with me in court with her (I personally feel like it was mainly her moms idea (Since she tried to pull the same thing when her son broke up with his ex gf)) putting a order for protection against me (They didn't realize the extreme of it before acting on it, they probably would have only did a restraining order if they had known it would remove my right to own a gun/use a gun ever). Anyways what I did was tape a letter explaining how i felt/sorry I was about what had happened etc on her window one night. Stupid I know I really really know now lol...

 

With the court ordeal (I had to hire an attorney and when it came to the court date we settled on them dropping the whole thing before the hearing if I promised to not to talk to her ever again and if I did she would put a restraining order on me.)

 

I worked with her brother over the summer in the same restaurant and I didn't speak to her at all since the court date (Late June), I saw her a few times over the summer (Running into her, since she worked in the same building as I worked in), Never said anything... Summer is over and we both went back to college. She started dating the guy she had a thing with after she broke up with me. But I believe it only lasted a few months and they broke up in early Nov. I've had a thing or two with a few girls since no relationships though.

 

I got really really depressed when college started back up (And I found out she started dating that guy) and I actually let some suicidal thoughts enter my mind... I'm happier now, but I went through a very difficult period.

 

Every time we saw/see each other in the halls now she stares straight ahead and doesn't acknowledge me at all when I try to smile at her or give her a simple wave of hello. I have not spoken to her since June and probably have seen her around 20 times now since the end of college last year. Every time I see her I feel so stupid for now I acted in the relationship, and I just think how gorgeous she is, and my heart always stops...)

 

 

Problem:

 

Idk what to do anymore... I still love her so much, it's been 8 months and I still can't help but think about her all the time. She was honestly like the most beautiful girl in my eyes. While having the thing with the couple girls since our breakup I can't help but think about my ex still.. and I feel bad because I feel like I'm leading these other girls on (Even if they don't turn into relationships).

 

I want to so badly talk to her and explain my faults in the relationship and apologize for how I acted sometimes (Kind of ignored her sometimes and took her for granted, even though I loved her very very much and told her so)

 

I've improved myself a lot since the breakup and I've in a way changed my life, I have a TON of new friends, new hobbies and I have a really nice job and have put on 15 pounds since the breakup (I was very underweight and I needed a good 20 pounds to be in a healthy area). Idk It's just difficult because I still care so much about her and I just want to talk to her.. but I'm scared about the whole restraining order thing and idk if she's moved on enough to allow it to happen (It doesn't seem like it since she won't even give me eye contact in the hall way). It just really really sucks because I can't feel anything for any other girl and I still feel like shes the one for me (It's hard to explain because she made me feel comfortable 100% from the very beginning and It was really easy to become close to her right away)

 

Idk I don't want to move on is the thing, even though I'm trying and putting my feet in front of the other to try to move on, I just feel stuck and I feel like I can't... I feel like I need closure and I need to talk to her... I've learned a lot about her that I didn't know while I was in a relationship with her (Nothing superrr serious like cheating and stuff but she kind of liked my roommate a little freshman year while she was in a relationship with me). I'm willing to let bygones be bygones and to learn from everything but I don't think she wants anything to do with me.. And it kills me

 

I feel like I'm coming close to making the mistake of texting her to see if she wants to meet and talk/catch up, but I'm scared...

 

 

I'm sorry it's so long, but I think it needed some back story to have people offer advice...

 

 

Thank you...

Edited December 1, 2013 by Ryanic

[organizedchaos]

Dude, you have a potential RESTRAINING ORDER staring you in the face. WTF are you thinking??? Do you really believe she's worth what's about to happen to you if you contact her? Move on. It's done.

[Ryanic]

Actually I do believe it's worth it, because if after 8 months my feelings haven't changed after everything I've learned and found out, then there is something about this girl. It's not like our relationship was abusive or anything like that. She just faded away from me because I was inexperienced and didn't know what I had to lose with her. Then stuff got out of hand post breakup.

 

Now I don't think a text is the way to go about first breaking NC with her but I feel like I'm close to making that mistake...

 

Nothing is clicking with other girls, and no other girl looks attractive to me.. even girls that look physically more attractive than she was don't look attractive.. no one else looks like relationship material... She was probably like 8.5 and I'm like a 7 on a good day... So idk maybe I'm scared that I won't find another girl that sincerely thought I was attractive and that I thought was out of my league.

Edited December 1, 2013 by Ryanic

[tjr]

If she felt the need to get the law involved even if coaxed into it, you need to leave her alone. Its hard specially if you really do love her but she doesnt want to share it with you. You cant force it you cant beg for it you cant lock her up in a cage and drag it from her. If AND huge IF she decides to change her mind on that she will come to you. All you can do is go on with your life and live it the best you can.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Your road has been hard man. Trust me, we all understand that feeling. It takes as long as it takes to get over something like this. 8 months out of a two year is not fresh obviously, but I wouldnt expect you to be fully over it by now. Maybe a little more than you are, but still.....

 

The thing I read that disturbs me is "Idk I don't want to move on is the thing"

What?? So you would much rather feel bad everyday and waste such precious days thinking about it? That is AWFUL. I'm proud of you for doing SO much after the BU and making new friends. Thats awesome.....but its not done yet. KEEP doing this. DO NOT STOP.

 

You have to accept facts in order to get over it: The relationship is done. Has been for quite a while. The only person still in this "relationship" is you. Your almost refusal to move on from her is pretty bad. She has a restraining order on you! Do you think trying to talk to her would change anything? I highly doubt that.

 

 

"I feel like I need closure and I need to talk to her"---Closure comes from within my friend. Accept this and things will be clearer for you.

 

Keep moving forward my friend!!

Edited December 1, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[organizedchaos]

Actually I do believe it's worth it, because if after 8 months my feelings haven't changed after everything I've learned and found out, then there is something about this girl. It's not like our relationship was abusive or anything like that. She just faded away from me because I was inexperienced and didn't know what I had to lose with her. Then stuff got out of hand post breakup.

 

Now I don't think a text is the way to go about first breaking NC with her but I feel like I'm close to making that mistake...

 

Nothing is clicking with other girls, and no other girl looks attractive to me.. even girls that look physically more attractive than she was don't look attractive.. no one else looks like relationship material... She was probably like 8.5 and I'm like a 7 on a good day... So idk maybe I'm scared that I won't find another girl that sincerely thought I was attractive and that I thought was out of my league.

 

What you seem to forget is that, while your feelings haven't changed, hers has. And NOTHING you can do about that. A restraining order should be your key to let go. She does not want you. And you don't want that on your record. Esp bc she does not want you.

[Ryanic]

Thank you confused, And I don't want to move on because she was honestly perfect in 100% every way to me. Not one single thing bothered me about her. And I'm not stopping changing and moving forward. I'm actually glad I've learned a lot from this and have changed so much and made a bunch of new friends, I can actually go out and enjoy stuff every once and awhile because before I wasn't very adventurous. She does not have a restraining order on me, and honestly deep down I think they just said that to scare me.

 

And idk I just still have hope I guess... I know she hates my guts but I feel like if we could just talk, and maybe chit chat on a daily basis again things would be different, but it's like she's scared to like me again so she tries everything in the world to ignore the fact we were together for 2.25 years. And the reason I feel this is because of how I acted during the relationship and what I did that made her drift apart. She was happy besides me doing the inexperienced things and kind of took her for granted later in the relationship and I know I'd never do that again so idk... It just sucks cus I just want a second chance and if it doesn't work the second time I understand and that's why I'm hung up is because I'm hoping I can prove something eventually... but only if she's will to let me.

[reddragon588]

You do not want a restraining order on you my friend. I made a few mistakes when I was younger that landed me in jail once. It is not a pretty place. You have the power to keep yourself out, and I highly suggest you do it. But until you want to move on, you won't be able to. This has gone to court, there is no going back here. You need to start making the final moves to want to move on.

[LadyM]

I feel bad for you that you've had to have so much contact with her which greatly impedes the healing process.

 

I know you'd like to communicate with her, but that's just what you want. She doesn't want to communicate with you. She doesn't want to hear your explanations and how you've improved. Respect that. She may want to some time in the future, but for now, you need to back off.

 

Also, is contacting her worth the possible police involvement? Do you really want to take that chance? Is ANYBODY worth that??

 

At the end of your post, you said that you're scared. As you should be.

 

Let this go.....at least for now.

[organizedchaos]

Thank you confused, And I don't want to move on because she was honestly perfect in 100% every way to me. Not one single thing bothered me about her. And I'm not stopping changing and moving forward. I'm actually glad I've learned a lot from this and have changed so much and made a bunch of new friends, I can actually go out and enjoy stuff every once and awhile because before I wasn't very adventurous. She does not have a restraining order on me, and honestly deep down I think they just said that to scare me.

 

And idk I just still have hope I guess... I know she hates my guts but I feel like if we could just talk, and maybe chit chat on a daily basis again things would be different, but it's like she's scared to like me again so she tries everything in the world to ignore the fact we were together for 2.25 years. And the reason I feel this is because of how I acted during the relationship and what I did that made her drift apart. She was happy besides me doing the inexperienced things and kind of took her for granted later in the relationship and I know I'd never do that again so idk... It just sucks cus I just want a second chance and if it doesn't work the second time I understand and that's why I'm hung up is because I'm hoping I can prove something eventually... but only if she's will to let me.

 

You can't talk! You've been warned with a restraining order. You seriously want to play a game of chicken with her and her family bc you don't think they really meant it? Are you serious? Read this

 

Negative Effects of Restraining Order | Mediation and Conflict Resolution Home Page

 

She does not want you. She does not want to talk to you. And you're convicted you can change her mind. Risking a restraining order placed on you. Read that article again.

 

Don't be stupid.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Thank you confused, And I don't want to move on because she was honestly perfect in 100% every way to me. Not one single thing bothered me about her. And I'm not stopping changing and moving forward. I'm actually glad I've learned a lot from this and have changed so much and made a bunch of new friends, I can actually go out and enjoy stuff every once and awhile because before I wasn't very adventurous. She does not have a restraining order on me, and honestly deep down I think they just said that to scare me.

 

And idk I just still have hope I guess... I know she hates my guts but I feel like if we could just talk, and maybe chit chat on a daily basis again things would be different, but it's like she's scared to like me again so she tries everything in the world to ignore the fact we were together for 2.25 years. And the reason I feel this is because of how I acted during the relationship and what I did that made her drift apart. She was happy besides me doing the inexperienced things and kind of took her for granted later in the relationship and I know I'd never do that again so idk... It just sucks cus I just want a second chance and if it doesn't work the second time I understand and that's why I'm hung up is because I'm hoping I can prove something eventually... but only if she's will to let me.

 

OH okay. Well good thing about the restraining order. That would have sucked.

 

I dont really think she is really scared to like you again or anything like that...I honestly just think she doesn't want to try again with you. Its funny because it SOUNDS like your situation mimics mine. Great relationship..nothing really too wrong (2 3/4 years). Things changed after a while...I was working a bunch and took her for granted... she was young also (college like yours...first actual relationship for her). She left one day and said she needed time, some therapy (she was depressed) yada yada. She kept telling me I was the one, this wasnt permanent...so of course, I was trying to be supportive and pushed a little much. About a month, text me that she didnt love me anymore and it was done. "Right after" (I say that because I doubt it) she found someone. I was crushed. Lost my job, my apartment, and my life.

 

Its been a year now and my life is drastically changed. I was SO depressed and I found my way out! I learned SO much from this....probably too much

 

In your situation, mistakes were made, feelings were hurt, etc etc....the good thing about this is you seem to have a basic grasp of what goes on but not ALL the way. Talking to her right now will do NO good. People change over time ESPECIALLY at your age. From what it sounds like, it just sounds like she wants something different. May have been all you...may not have been. I have NO doubt she loved you, but her feelings seemed to have change. No matter what happens from now, it was HER decision to break it off so its HER decision to want to try it again if that happens. The ONLY way that happens is if you leave her along. Will it happen? The overall odds are against you massively and by the time that actually happens, you will have probably found someone else or fully be over it.

 

Hope is okay to have in most situations in life...but not this. It will keep you down in this hole. Its even harder for you because you HAVE to see her. That sucks man I dont envy you, but that means you just have to work harder. Things will get better and 8 months isnt the FULL amount to get over it. You still have some time here. Just keep working hard in school and realize that this isnt the end. Its only the beginning. Im assuming you are what 19 or 20? Thats young and you have SO much life in front of you. Dont let her bring you down anymore. Time to see life in a much better light. Thats what I did and its SO much better this way.

[Ryanic]

Restraining orders do not affect gun rights, that is what a Order for Protection removes (What I had against me until they dropped it because they realized they were stupid for putting that against me in the first place).

 

Also LadyM, it really sucks. I honestly see her in the randomest most unlikely spots sometimes and it honestly almost makes me feel like we're connected because how in the hell would we happen to run into each other where we do sometimes I'll never know... (There is more to the feeling like we're connected than just that (It goes way back all through late middle school and high school for many, many reasons)). It honestly just really really sucks... And I see her almost every week or every other week and like I mentioned before every time I see her my heart stops and I get flooded with emotions and become down.

 

And no It's not like I want to talk to her to change her mind, I want to talk to her because I KNOW she will realize what she did, and shes protecting herself by ignoring it because she knows what she did and shes not confronting it like she never did with any other thing in her life.

 

And as I said before, actually yes it is worth it, just probably not right now. With some more time maybe but it is worth playing chicken, just probably not at this current time. I need to have her to at least acknowledge me in the hallway before I dare too.

 

Also again thank you confused, I'm 20 and turn 21 in about 4 months. We were both 17 when we first started dating and 20 when we broke up. It's been 8 months and I'm still stuck... As I mentioned before I can't even have feelings for another girl... I'm currently talking/been taking a girl out on a few dates the past few weeks but I feel guilty now because nothing is clicking with her and she seems to be into me a lot and I feel really really bad...I don't want to lead her on, but I also don't want to throw something away... Idk.

Edited December 2, 2013 by Ryanic

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Restraining orders do not affect gun rights, that is what a Order for Protection removes (What I had against me until they dropped it because they realized they were stupid for putting that against me in the first place).

 

Also LadyM, it really sucks. I honestly see her in the randomest most unlikely spots sometimes and it honestly almost makes me feel like we're connected because how in the hell would we happen to run into each other where we do sometimes I'll never know... (There is more to the feeling like we're connected than just that (It goes way back all through late middle school and high school for many, many reasons)). It honestly just really really sucks... And I see her almost every week or every other week and like I mentioned before every time I see her my heart stops and I get flooded with emotions and become down.

 

And no It's not like I want to talk to her to change her mind, I want to talk to her because I KNOW she will realize what she did, and shes protecting herself by ignoring it because she knows what she did and shes not confronting it like she never did with any other thing in her life.

 

And as I said before, actually yes it is worth it, just probably not right now. With some more time maybe but it is worth playing chicken, just probably not at this current time. I need to have her to at least acknowledge me in the hallway before I dare too.

 

Also again thank you confused, I'm 20 and turn 21 in about 4 months. We were both 17 when we first started dating and 20 when we broke up. It's been 8 months and I'm still stuck... As I mentioned before I can't even have feelings for another girl... I'm currently talking/been taking a girl out on a few dates the past few weeks but I feel guilty now because nothing is clicking with her and she seems to be into me a lot and I feel really really bad...I don't want to lead her on, but I also don't want to throw something away... Idk.

 

Im going to comment on some of the stuff you have in bold above:

 

Honestly, the part about you guys having some sort of connection because you see eachother a bunch made me laugh. If there honestly was one that she felt too, she wouldnt have left. Its very hard to see her everyday and something not everyone has to do so I commend you for having to work though it. With that said, you have to let go of some of this.

 

Realize what she did? She didnt DO anything wrong man. It wasnt like she did this mortal sin of leaving you. She just felt differently about you. It happens a BUNCH and to pretty much all of us. Happened to me and I took it HORRIBLY. I dont want you to do the same thing. Do some people realize they still had feelings? Yes, but knowing the opposite sex, this was NOT some overnight thing. I can promise you she thought about it for awhile. She weighed out everything and made the decision....even with how "happy" you thought she felt with everything.

 

If you are posting these things about your ex that are so strong, it sounds like you are not ready to date...but rather just to fill that void. Dating is a strong emotional healer in terms of ex's, but if you're not ready, then you are not ready. Its okay not to be.

 

Time heals all wounds....some longer than others. ONLY when you learn to let go fully is when that can start. I dont think you have done that yet.

[organizedchaos]

Restraining orders do not affect gun rights, that is what a Order for Protection removes (What I had against me until they dropped it because they realized they were stupid for putting that against me in the first place).

 

Also LadyM, it really sucks. I honestly see her in the randomest most unlikely spots sometimes and it honestly almost makes me feel like we're connected because how in the hell would we happen to run into each other where we do sometimes I'll never know... (There is more to the feeling like we're connected than just that (It goes way back all through late middle school and high school for many, many reasons)). It honestly just really really sucks... And I see her almost every week or every other week and like I mentioned before every time I see her my heart stops and I get flooded with emotions and become down.

 

And no It's not like I want to talk to her to change her mind, I want to talk to her because I KNOW she will realize what she did, and shes protecting herself by ignoring it because she knows what she did and shes not confronting it like she never did with any other thing in her life.

 

And as I said before, actually yes it is worth it, just probably not right now. With some more time maybe but it is worth playing chicken, just probably not at this current time. I need to have her to at least acknowledge me in the hallway before I dare too.

 

Also again thank you confused, I'm 20 and turn 21 in about 4 months. We were both 17 when we first started dating and 20 when we broke up. It's been 8 months and I'm still stuck... As I mentioned before I can't even have feelings for another girl... I'm currently talking/been taking a girl out on a few dates the past few weeks but I feel guilty now because nothing is clicking with her and she seems to be into me a lot and I feel really really bad...I don't want to lead her on, but I also don't want to throw something away... Idk.

 

Dude, you are so effing young you don't even realize what lies ahead for you. You are so hung up on this girl and you have so many years ahead of you. You are gambling your future over something you will look back on years from now and laugh. I'm 42. I've been married. I have a son. Trust me, she is not worth it.

[flight E]

Dude, I had a girl once. She dumped me never told me why. I guess I was too nice, clingy etc. I chased her for a while. She was beautiful and hot. Well long story short. I left her alone she went out with other guys but eventually like 1 and half years after, she came back begged ang we got back togeder. You only chance is to leave her alone that's the only chance u have. Leave her alone and move on and you never know she may just come back.

[Ryanic]

Oh no Confused, I mean't like we're connected to each other in the world, and it goes much more beyond (And way farther back) just seeing each other in the halls of college because that's just going to happen I understand that lol. There has been many other reasons (Not just bumping into each other) and make me kind of feel this way lol.

 

And you're right I am not ready and I knew that, but I keep just trying to keep putting my foot in front of the other to force myself to move on and I feel like I'm going to end up hurting people by forcing myself through it...

 

 

But thanks everyone... I'll try to give it more time, but it's just really hard since I'm stuck right now and get hit with waves of depression and what not. I haven't felt truly happy since I've been with her and even though I'm out doing stuff making friends that happiness only lasts while I'm out doing stuff and soon as it's over I don't feel happy anymore.