3 Months In and Have Some Issues with GF.

[husker1989]

Hey all,

 

I've been a member here for a little while now. Currently dating a single mom who works about 50-60 hrs per week. I'm currently a full-time senior in college working 30 hrs per week. We have been in a relationship well 3 months would be December 6th 2013. Everything was going good for first 1 1/2 months to 2 months, had great date nights etc. I've finally gotten comfortable in this relationship, I usually start a relationship off with alot of paranoia and anxiety (this time around I've finally beaten those and stopped them from happening in this relationship).

 

However about 1 month ago, she started saying off and on that the spark was gone for her or that she only see me as a friend and someone she talks to. We are physically intimiate when together, sex has slowed but that is the last of my worries as I actually like this woman. She has asked for space to find her feelings in the past and I've not necessarily respected her wishes. But I've told her I've been working on some things and myself and I've changed in that regard.

 

Yesterday she said she had something she wanted to tell me. She said "I really need space this time, I hardly miss you and I don't even feel like this is a real relationship. I thought you were everything I ever wanted in a man, but now I'm not sure what I want. This is not about me wanting to date other guys or girls (she is bi), it is not about me wanting to see what else is out there nothing like that. You have done some things in the past to push me away and I don't know if my feelings can come back. I hardly miss you and I need space to see if these feelings for you come back to me. Please I need time, please respect that. I don't want to break up, but in the past you've clearly shown that you can't respect my space or time when I ask you to. I hope this time around you can respect my space because if you can't your words of you changing are broken promises and you can forget about us being together".

 

Now I haven't tried initiating contact with her since yesterday about 4pm, I feel like this is something that I need to stick to and give her space. I've told her I have changed and this is probably the hardest thing for me to deal with (she wanting space etc). I feel if I give her the space she requested that it will show her that I have truly changed and that my words are not broken promises. Is this the right train of thought?

 

I've given her the option of us breaking up, I told her she doesn't have to stay in this relationship if she isn't feeling it or isn't happy. I'm not going to keep her in a relationship against her wishes or beg her to be with me. I said there would be no hard feelings if she wanted to end this and move along. She responded with a very genuine NO, but I would rather just want some space; I hardly have feelings for you like that. She said if you've changed like you said then you should respect my space this time because if you don't you can forget about everything. So that is where things are at, luckily I saved all my Christmas gift receipts.

 

I've already mentally prepared myself and emotionally prepared myself for the breakup if and when it happens. I've come to terms that if she isn't happy and she needs space I need to respect that. Any tips or advice in this situation.

 

Thanks,

 

D

Edited December 1, 2013 by husker1989

[Keenly]

My advice :

 

First of all, next time some one says they see you as a friend. Just bail. If they realize that is not the case, they will come running back to you.

 

 

But as for the now , same advice. From this point forward you need to act like this woman does not exist. No talking, no texting, no gifts. Nothing. No apology letters, no drunken I moss you late night messages, no I'll change phone calls. NOTHING.

 

 

Then she either comes back to you or she doesn't. If she does, great. If she doesn't, remember that she doesn't exist. They're plenty more.

[GemmaUK]

I agree with Keenly and I was in a similar situation in my last relationship as your lady is in this one.

 

You will have lost respect from her for not previously respecting when she asked for space before I' m afraid.

Only time will tell on this one though but looking at her situation and yours she has a much busier life from the look of it and I suspect she just can't keep up with the level of communication you need.

 

You might be better leaving it and finding someone who has the same amount of actual free time as you do.

[crederer]

Kind of rough. I don't really understand when people do this cause I think a relationship with someone IS a friendship. Being told you're seen as a friend is usually before the relationship even starts, so to do it part way through the relationship is confusing.

 

This person is probably more interested in the feeling of "love" in the hollywood sense rather than an actual relationship. Not sure if that really exists in real life (the hollywood version of it) but I feel for you OP. I've been there myself.

 

Be thankful that it happened now rather than 2 years into a relationship like it was with me.

[elbe]

When the breakup happens? Sounds like it's happened. She laid this out very well for you, which was very nice of her. She needs her space, thinks you don't respect that, and wants you to begin respecting that.

 

Leave her alone until she wants to see you again - if that ever happens. She sounds hurt and sometimes that isn't reconcilable.

[husker1989]

My advice :

 

First of all, next time some one says they see you as a friend. Just bail. If they realize that is not the case, they will come running back to you.

 

 

But as for the now , same advice. From this point forward you need to act like this woman does not exist. No talking, no texting, no gifts. Nothing. No apology letters, no drunken I moss you late night messages, no I'll change phone calls. NOTHING.

 

 

Then she either comes back to you or she doesn't. If she does, great. If she doesn't, remember that she doesn't exist. They're plenty more.

 

Thanks for the response. When she seen me as a "friend" I kind of popped smoke and cut down on contact. She did in fact come running back to me full throttle and things were good. I'm planning on no talking, no texting, no nothing. In my view the ball is 150% in her court, I'm waiting for her to come back to me if she does.

 

D

[husker1989]

I agree with Keenly and I was in a similar situation in my last relationship as your lady is in this one.

 

You will have lost respect from her for not previously respecting when she asked for space before I' m afraid.

Only time will tell on this one though but looking at her situation and yours she has a much busier life from the look of it and I suspect she just can't keep up with the level of communication you need.

 

You might be better leaving it and finding someone who has the same amount of actual free time as you do.

 

Yes I do feel as I have lost some respect from her from not previously respecting her time / space. She does indeed have a much busier life, she usually lets me know when she has time for a date night (we have to plan around her schedule). I've thought about leaving, but I've also been on the other end of the spectrum. Where the girl constantly wanted to see me, text me, call me and it became overwhelming. This current woman seems to be a nice median between too little and too much contact. We will see how things progress.

[husker1989]

Kind of rough. I don't really understand when people do this cause I think a relationship with someone IS a friendship. Being told you're seen as a friend is usually before the relationship even starts, so to do it part way through the relationship is confusing.

 

This person is probably more interested in the feeling of "love" in the hollywood sense rather than an actual relationship. Not sure if that really exists in real life (the hollywood version of it) but I feel for you OP. I've been there myself.

 

Be thankful that it happened now rather than 2 years into a relationship like it was with me.

 

From my perspective I see her as my friend, best friend in fact. I've become comfortable in this relationship and I was finally settling down into everything. I think she feels a lot of pressure to be married and have more children. Everyone of her girlfriends has 2+ kids and are all married. I feel as though she is scared of begin a single mother forever. So when things are not going perfectly according to plan aka like in the movies then she isn't happy. I told her that no relationship is perfect and that I'm not a perfect man. But I have the biggest heart and I'll do my best to make things work if I can.

 

D

[xxoo]

Remember your own feelings and needs in this relationship, and make sure it is meeting your needs as well. Don't keep cutting back on contact while still remaining available when she is interested. Rather, make it clear what you want and need, and if she can't offer it, cut her loose.

[husker1989]

When the breakup happens? Sounds like it's happened. She laid this out very well for you, which was very nice of her. She needs her space, thinks you don't respect that, and wants you to begin respecting that.

 

Leave her alone until she wants to see you again - if that ever happens. She sounds hurt and sometimes that isn't reconcilable.

 

What I meant by breaking up was, going our separate ways and seeing other people and cutting communication and not trying to work things out. When a woman officially wants to break up I don't give them a second chance I move along. I plan on no talking (no FB msgs, texts, calling, skyp, letters, email etc etc). I'm going to wait till she contacts me.

 

D

[husker1989]

Remember your own feelings and needs in this relationship, and make sure it is meeting your needs as well. Don't keep cutting back on contact while still remaining available when she is interested. Rather, make it clear what you want and need, and if she can't offer it, cut her loose.

 

Yes you are right! I have evaluated my feelings and my needs and I feel like they are being met in a lot of aspects. I will say though that I'm not always available when she is interested, there is times I have to turn down a date night because I'm busy with undergrad research studies etc. She has DEF helped me mature as a man I think, really made me view things from different perspectives.

 

D

[RedRobin]

Remember your own feelings and needs in this relationship, and make sure it is meeting your needs as well. Don't keep cutting back on contact while still remaining available when she is interested. Rather, make it clear what you want and need, and if she can't offer it, cut her loose.

 

I agree with this OP.

 

If a guy was treating me this way, I'd have a hard time believing we were in a relationship at all... more like a FWB.

 

I wouldn't keep my self on the hook for a person who can only see me on their terms and doesn't seem to acknowledge or try to work around my needs as well.

 

Doesn't sound like a relationship to me... plus all the ultimatums? Disrespectful.

 

Has she given you any indication of what 'space' means? I mean, she ought to be able to lay it out... not make you go-to boy when she snaps her fingers.

 

Earlier in the year I dated a guy briefly who sounds like your lady. Lots of vague stuff about 'space', 'spontenaeity' and 'passion'... (blah blah) while also claiming to want a relationship with me.... He never could demonstrate he was willing to meet me half way when it came to my needs. Spent time with him for about two months before I finally cut the cord.

[RedRobin]

What I meant by breaking up was, going our separate ways and seeing other people and cutting communication and not trying to work things out. When a woman officially wants to break up I don't give them a second chance I move along. I plan on no talking (no FB msgs, texts, calling, skyp, letters, email etc etc). I'm going to wait till she contacts me.

 

D

 

Sounds like a good plan... but I'd still not hold your breath. Still sounds she likes the nice warm feeling of having you around without much effort on her part. Not cool. Or you both just have different 'togetherness' needs... which means you may not be compatible.

 

Me personally... I lose interest when someone has this push-pull dynamic.

[husker1989]

hi husker 1989,

 

*My responses in bold*

 

me too. how was it different this time, do you think? [see my concluding remarks]

 

I have been hurt alot in the past and I have a pretty big guard around my emotions. I have been lied to, cheated on, used etc. This time though I actually really trusted this woman and she gave me no reason not to trust her.

 

that's great.

 

Looking yourself in the mirror on what you can improve on is a very challenging thing. It took a lot of soul searching and inner effort to get out of my comfort zone and really look at myself with an unbias view.

 

an ultimatum. anxiety provoking. regression on the horizon (ironically mixed metaphor).

 

oops. how soon after her ultimatum was yesterday about 4pm?

 

She called me at 4 yesterday and told me this, I have not contacted her since her request for space.

 

is your anxiety confusing you? you type in retrospect with clarity on this point, that she needs her space. but when you called her yesterday, were you not thinking clearly & unable to remember the importance of sticking to your claims & giving her space? this could be o.c.d behavior.

 

Should of made it more clear, she contacted me yesterday at 4, I have not contacted her in any fashion since she gave me her request for space.

 

sort of, but it's not about 'showing her', it's about these changes you seem to have thought you actually made, & which she is putting to the test now, which could feel like being 'under the gun', a position that would risk someone with anxiety & paranoia issues regressing.

 

I'm determined to not like my improvements in anxiety and paranoia regain a grip. I've worked to hard to regress back and if I do I can kiss all this effort and relationship goodbye. That is something I don't want, I don't want to give into anxiety or paranoia when there is no reason for them to exist.

 

well it's not an option you can give her, you both have that option regardless of the other's wishes. but it's evidence you're trying really hard to make progress. sometimes making progress can't be done by willing it.

 

Yes you are right we both have the option to go our separate ways. I am trying to not leave any stone unturned. I'm trying to be a changed man and do my best to make things work. If in the end things don't work out I can hold my head high knowing I've beaten anxiety, paranoia and that I've tried my best to make things work.

 

a totally mixed message, the kryptonite of those of us with anxiety. some people have no idea how worked up they can make someone with mixed messages. i don't know her intent, but her need for space outweighs any words of not wanting to break things off. still, the official end need not be rushed.

 

The final decision so to speak shouldn't be rushed, I'm hoping this time away will make her miss me and it will prove to me that I can overcome anxiety and paranoia in some aspects. Also its a good way to be a man of my word.

 

it's not officially over yet, & she may be intuitively trying to help you develop more strength against your anxiety, in challenging you to hold that tension without doing anything rash like ending it yourself, or pushing into her space, out of desperation when anxiety becomes overwhelming.

 

You hit the nail on the head here. I see this as a test personally. I feel she wanted to END things she could of easily said so, she is a very black and white woman very blunt with her feelings. I'm not doing anything rash, like ending it myself or pushing into her space.

 

i suspect that what made the anxiety & paranoia less this time around for you (in your first statement) was something she enabled intuitively.

 

She is a very trusting woman, never hid her phone, never talked about anyone else, always was doing what she said she was doing. Never gave me a reason to not trust or respect her.

 

not to give someone else the credit for your progress, but she may have been a soothing influence that enabled you to make that progress. so whatever happens, you come out better off.

 

She seems to have a very nature instinct of soothing, she listened to my hurt and pain from my past and she offered great comfort and support. She says overall I treat her pretty good, she even said that most everyone she dated treated her about a 20/100 and I'm treating her about an 80-85/100. She says I'm very mature in some areas way above and beyond what she has ever experienced. But in some areas I'm really lacking, I think those areas are the respect of time and space.

 

j

 

 

Thanks alot!

[RedRobin]

Edited: just saw your last post where you said you felt your needs were being met. As long as that is the case, then I don't see any harm in just riding things out a bit.

[husker1989]

I agree with this OP.

 

If a guy was treating me this way, I'd have a hard time believing we were in a relationship at all... more like a FWB.

 

I wouldn't keep my self on the hook for a person who can only see me on their terms and doesn't seem to acknowledge or try to work around my needs as well.

 

Doesn't sound like a relationship to me... plus all the ultimatums? Disrespectful.

 

Has she given you any indication of what 'space' means? I mean, she ought to be able to lay it out... not make you go-to boy when she snaps her fingers.

 

Earlier in the year I dated a guy briefly who sounds like your lady. Lots of vague stuff about 'space', 'spontenaeity' and 'passion'... (blah blah) while also claiming to want a relationship with me.... He never could demonstrate he was willing to meet me half way when it came to my needs. Spent time with him for about two months before I finally cut the cord.

 

Me personally I've never done FWB and I seen myself in a relationship. I told her that she needs to work around my needs as well and my schedule. However with her having the busier schedule the dates usually had to be planned according to her free time. This was very tough at first to deal with because I'm a planner on those sorts of things (gives me something to look forward to, something exciting and unique). She does infact work around my needs fairly respectfuly. She has always told me if I can't see her because of school work or my job and we had to postpone a date night or if I couldn't text me her or call her much she totally understood. I def don't run to her every beck and call. I'm not always there when she snaps her fingers and I laid it out that a relationship is 50/50 its a give and take and making compromises. So I think that is very clear to her. Her definition of space or a break - means just that, she needs time to think about everything. In the past with woman this has meant like they are interested in someone else, want to break up etc. But she came out on her own and told me directly there was no one else, she didn't want to break up and she just actually needed space to think.

 

D

[GemmaUK]

I hope you don't mind..as this looked so similar to my situation I went back a and read your other threads..just to get more background.

 

I think she very much wanted you to be the one - I can't help but think that has dwindled - it is possible that she will come back.

 

If she does you really need to understand her situation a bit more and be more considerate - it's important to her that she is respected by you as well as loved.

 

I think that this did all start off great but has moved too fast for her.

My guy too was talking of moving in together and getting married etc - just a month in to our relationship - this was all about the time the contact problems began with us.

I felt steam rollered to be honest.

Much as I liked him a lot it blew me away a bit (in a not good way).

 

It was like he just had this plan but actually didn't care what I thought of it even though I was the centre of it. I don't drive and I don't like big dogs..his plan was to move ut to the sticks and to have a german shepherd for when he was away working all week - I'm not quite sure how I would have had any kind of a life at all in that situation but he wasn't concerned about that - or didn't appear to be.

I didn't even agree to any of it and told him to back off and pipe down and stop getting over excited but it made no difference to him.

^^^just an example in case you see any relevance in there at all - you might or you might not.

 

 

The problems over sex I think is also to do with feeling smothered and I think that perhaps she is thinking that you will want it to be 4/5 times a night as it was in the beginning..

She has backed right off because she isn't expecting it to be different.

 

Other actions don't seem to have been changing much so she won't think other things will change - if you get me.

 

If she hasn't - and she hasn't finished this yet then there is hope - but just as Keenly said - you must not contact her at all - go about your own life and see if she contacts you.

If she does contact you then don't jump right back immediately and just take it slow. She will need to see you have changed/are changing.

 

 

My guy didn't change and more issues arose - in the end I couldn't face seeing him again.

It was very stressful and I ended it back in April.

[husker1989]

I hope you don't mind..as this looked so similar to my situation I went back a and read your other threads..just to get more background.

 

I think she very much wanted you to be the one - I can't help but think that has dwindled - it is possible that she will come back.

 

If she does you really need to understand her situation a bit more and be more considerate - it's important to her that she is respected by you as well as loved.

 

I think that this did all start off great but has moved too fast for her.

My guy too was talking of moving in together and getting married etc - just a month in to our relationship - this was all about the time the contact problems began with us.

I felt steam rollered to be honest.

Much as I liked him a lot it blew me away a bit (in a not good way).

 

It was like he just had this plan but actually didn't care what I thought of it even though I was the centre of it. I don't drive and I don't like big dogs..his plan was to move ut to the sticks and to have a german shepherd for when he was away working all week - I'm not quite sure how I would have had any kind of a life at all in that situation but he wasn't concerned about that - or didn't appear to be.

I didn't even agree to any of it and told him to back off and pipe down and stop getting over excited but it made no difference to him.

^^^just an example in case you see any relevance in there at all - you might or you might not.

 

 

The problems over sex I think is also to do with feeling smothered and I think that perhaps she is thinking that you will want it to be 4/5 times a night as it was in the beginning..

She has backed right off because she isn't expecting it to be different.

 

Other actions don't seem to have been changing much so she won't think other things will change - if you get me.

 

If she hasn't - and she hasn't finished this yet then there is hope - but just as Keenly said - you must not contact her at all - go about your own life and see if she contacts you.

If she does contact you then don't jump right back immediately and just take it slow. She will need to see you have changed/are changing.

 

 

My guy didn't change and more issues arose - in the end I couldn't face seeing him again.

It was very stressful and I ended it back in April.

 

 

I totally don't mind you looking through my previous threads, thanks for catching up on things and being able to make a very informed response into my current situation. She has in fact not finished this, I told her "there is the door if you don't want to honestly be here with me you can leave anytime you would like". The option was there and I laid it directly out for her very clearly and she responded with NO I would rather have time and space. I've clearly realized lately over say the past 2-3 weeks that I needed to be more respectful and understanding of her situation and life.

 

In the beginning I kind of put myself before her and I pushed her away with being inconsiderate in some aspects. I do know for a fact that she really wanted me to be the one, she told me that she seen herself being the dad to her son that he never had. As well as being the man she wanted to grow old with. Know those certain feelings of being 100% sure are not there any longer. Now there is some doubt that I am that man that she is suppose to be with for the long haul and if I'm suppose to be the man for her son.

 

On the sex I have stopped initiating, not bringing it up any longer and really making it seem like it is no longer a big priority to me (she said she felt like I made it a big priority and that it turned her off). That was one thing that was an issue and something that I've changed, I've learned to back off a good bit and make her want it and not smother it for her.

 

I think in the end, there is hope like you said. I think the best thing I can possibly do is give her space and show her that I've changed. And continuing to not bring up sex and let it happen naturally would help things alot I think. I'm going to let her chase me and come back to me, I've been very clear about my feelings as I don't play games. She knows exactly where I stand and exactly how I feel about her and our relationship. I would love nothing more then to give her the space requested and finally be able to show her I am more considerate, understanding, thoughtful and that I'm able to respect her time and space compared to how I was before. I'm not one to throw in the towel and I know that no relationship is perfect and flows just like the movies I know there is nothing known as perfection when it comes to a relationship. If I truly didn't care I wouldn't be working so hard on myself and this hard in the relationship to make it work. I really honestly care for this woman so we will see where this goes.

 

D

[husker1989]

everyone regresses. it's frustrating as hell, even enraging, but it happens.

 

what you're posting out here shows you still haven't beaten it, & i don't think they can be beaten, i think they can only be managed & reduced to a 'normal' level. you don't have to be super-human; anxiety & paranoia are nothing to be ashamed of.

 

yeah she sounds like a really good communicator, which is huge.

 

so she's fine tuning her relationships with her own challenges. don't forget that. she has specific things she's working on, & gathering info from her relationships is helping her make progress too. that's what she's doing when she's in her own space.

 

it's great when two people come together who know their issues & are good communicators. the man i'm dating has pretty significant anxiety issues that are throwing things off when we're together, & i don't know how to talk to him about it. he's talked about his anxiety & i've talked about mine, but i take meds & manage it a lot better. he's unmedicated & undiagnosed.

 

best of luck to all of us nervous nellies

 

 

j

 

J,

 

Thanks for putting it into perspective about how she is fine tuning her relationships and along the way learning things about herself and helping her with her own issues. This makes giving her space alot easier to deal with and understand. I know if I was progressing myself and in her shoes I'd like space. She does take anxiety meds, I do not I was also diagnosed with ADHD when I was a young child (don't know if that has any impact or not). I'm no longer on any meds. My main anxiety comes from my past in terms of being cheated on, lied to, used, have a girl say one thing but behind my back say something else. However over my past relationships I've realized woman pretty early on if they would be similar and I've been able to pick those things out. With my current gf however, I feel completely at peace in terms of the reason why I have anxiety or paranoia. I think it really helped me when she told me that this wasn't about other guys, about testing the waters or anything of that nature. I didn't have to ask her any of that, she simply straight up told me.

 

D

[husker1989]

d,

 

i feel a kinship with your gf & that 'picking those things out' you say you had to do to find someone of her caliber, is a sorting process similar to what she's likely working on, & why she was able to put a number to you, the 80-85/100 indicates she's getting really specific. that 5 points of difference 80-85 is what she's working on.

 

i hope things go this way for my situation, i think you're doing great & best of luck.

 

j

 

J,

 

Thanks for the positive words on my situation. I will admit she def has alot of traits that I most definitely want in a future wife and future mother to my children. There is alot of good that she has in her as a person. Yes your right, the difference between 80 to 85 could be the difference on what she looking for and what would make her happy in a relationship. Thanks for the words of encouragment. I will keep this thread going along with other people implying input, your more then welcome to continue following along! I also hope that your situation turns out good.

 

D