Pathetic

[Cinnimon]

I am starting to realize just how pathetic I really am. I need help. I'm starting to feel like a sick person. I feel like i'm stuck in hell and I'm the one holding myself here.

MM still contacts me to "see how i'm doing" . I tell him the truth, I'm still hurting, I still feel lost, I still experience anger, I still feel everything. He says, I'm so sorry I've caused you this pain, I do love you and care for you and I still battle with my confliction over this. Then he says , I will stop calling you if it's just making things worse.Do I say yes, you need to stop? No, I say it hurts to talk to you and it hurts to not talk to you. He again says I am so sorry for causing all of this but I do love you. THEN he tries to advise me on how to get over him, how to grieve my loss and it makes me want to vomit......

 

I feel so pathetic and sick. I really do. A normal person would tell him to take his I'm sorry and I love you and his grieving advice and stick them some where unpleasant. But I say it's okay, I appreciate you calling and I know you can't fix this and i'm sorry that every time you call I'm still crying.

 

WHAT THE H IS WRONG WITH ME??????

 

 

 

I feel so stupid, ugly and pathetic. :sick:

[Cinnimon]

Please, somebody be here right now. I feel like i'm breaking down.

[elbe]

You need to tell him to stop calling. You need to forget about him as much as get over him. He is getting off on this.

[Cinnimon]

Elbe. I know, so why don't I? Am I pathetic? Am I coward? Am I crazy? Am I just stupid?

[Ladydrib]

I am starting to realize just how pathetic I really am. I need help. I'm starting to feel like a sick person. I feel like i'm stuck in hell and I'm the one holding myself here.

MM still contacts me to "see how i'm doing" . I tell him the truth, I'm still hurting, I still feel lost, I still experience anger, I still feel everything. He says, I'm so sorry I've caused you this pain, I do love you and care for you and I still battle with my confliction over this. Then he says , I will stop calling you if it's just making things worse.Do I say yes, you need to stop? No, I say it hurts to talk to you and it hurts to not talk to you. He again says I am so sorry for causing all of this but I do love you. THEN he tries to advise me on how to get over him, how to grieve my loss and it makes me want to vomit......

 

I feel so pathetic and sick. I really do. A normal person would tell him to take his I'm sorry and I love you and his grieving advice and stick them some where unpleasant. But I say it's okay, I appreciate you calling and I know you can't fix this and i'm sorry that every time you call I'm still crying.

 

WHAT THE H IS WRONG WITH ME??????

 

 

 

I feel so stupid, ugly and pathetic. :sick:

 

First of all, stop talking badly about yourself.

 

Second of all, you cannot look to him to help you grieve the loss of him. While it sounds as though he initiated the call, and started with the solutions of how to get over him, you unknowingly invited it by taking his call and by sharing your hurt feelings with him. My point is, do not share feelings with him of any sort if you are trying to get over him. And yes, you should also not talk to him. You do not have to feel guilty about telling him you don't want to talk to him anymore. And you also don't have to fear him being gone. You want to get better right? Well as long as you're talking to him, that's never going to happen.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. You can get through this though. And you're not all those bad things you said.

[Cinnimon]

Ladydrib, I know your right. I don't even know who I am right now. I didn't ever feel like I was a weak person until now. Sounds silly but I was a female bartender for a while in an establishment frequented by mostly men. I'm only 5'2" and a 120lbs, but i managed to gain the nickname of the Enforcer, because I didn't put up with any crap.

Now look at me, I'm a sobbing little weakling.....I feel like I am not me anymore. I don't even know who me was now......

[Cinnimon]

I'm just babbling now.......

[elbe]

You are probably just lonely like the rest of us. Get done up really well and go out for coffee and hang out in public for a while. Eat a really healthy dinner and get some exercise.

 

It's really hard to terminate things because it feels heartless, deathly, grim, etc. Realistically you will feel better after a while. He is stringing you a long like a puppet and you should be infuriated.

[Ladydrib]

Ladydrib, I know your right. I don't even know who I am right now. I didn't ever feel like I was a weak person until now. Sounds silly but I was a female bartender for a while in an establishment frequented by mostly men. I'm only 5'2" and a 120lbs, but i managed to gain the nickname of the Enforcer, because I didn't put up with any crap.

Now look at me, I'm a sobbing little weakling.....I feel like I am not me anymore. I don't even know who me was now......

 

Oh I get it. I'm very strong too and was nearly broken by an affair. But you have to start somewhere. Start by focusing on the fact you know you're strong. You may not feel strong now, but that IS who you are. Reconnect with you. You can do that by leaning on yourself to heal. Do not talk to him. Accept he cannot help you. You love him so you automatically want to go to him when you hurt, but that will just hurt you more. Try to turn off your emotions and put your logic in full gear.

[Baby123]

Tell him to go fix himself and his marriage instead of being on the phone and giving advice.

 

You have so many people who care. MM does not care.

 

I remember feeling like MM was the only person who REALLY cared or loved me... he was the one who caused me all the grief. The people who cared were the ones on the side-lines watching me self destruct.

 

So turn to the people who really care- not the ones that cause you grief.

[Keenly]

You are not pathetic. You are in mourning. No one can tell you how to grieve. Don't worry! Of you keep waking up, day after day, one day you will wake up and feel no hurt anymore.

[WrinkledForehead]

Ladydrib, I know your right. I don't even know who I am right now. I didn't ever feel like I was a weak person until now. Sounds silly but I was a female bartender for a while in an establishment frequented by mostly men. I'm only 5'2" and a 120lbs, but i managed to gain the nickname of the Enforcer, because I didn't put up with any crap.

Now look at me, I'm a sobbing little weakling.....I feel like I am not me anymore. I don't even know who me was now......

 

Weakness isn't measured by crying. Crying is what people do when they need a release. Allow yourself your pain, your tears, your hurt... And don't belittle yourself for your emotions. Feel them and let them go, and then lift your head and breathe peacefully after the release. Wash rinse repeat.

[Whisper Quiet]

You can not heal and move on as long as you continue to speak with him. He is getting his ego boost when you tell him you miss him, etc. Even if he does not intend to hurt you, it does not lessen the hurt he inflicts.

 

It is time to take care of you, think about you first and love yourself more than you love him. This may not be easy and for a while could seem to be more difficult than what you are going through now, BUT it does get easier over time.

 

Some days will be better than others. Unfortunately some days will absolutely suck. You will think of him more than you want to. Conversations and moments will be replayed over and over in your head. You will question every nuance of every word he ever uttered. There will be triggers that make you think of him.

 

It does get better. I promise, it does. There is just going to be some hard work and uncomfortable feelings to get through.

 

Doing the hard bit will allow you to become the person who will be ready and receptive when a wonderful person who can truly love you and commit to you, and only you, comes into your live.

 

It. Will. Get. Better.

[blue963]

maybe it makes him feel good to know that you miss him so much and thats why he keeps calling. It makes him feel wanted.

[happy stillmore]

Cinnimon,

 

His words of love are false. If he truly loved you, he would make you a priority in his life. Instead, he is not taking the necessary steps to make this life possible. His actions say he is selfish and thinking of himself first. It took me while to realize this myself with my xMM. True love does not allow each other to be hurt like this, at any expense. He is choosing his BS. His fear of losing the comfortable life he has supercedes his desire to make a life with you. It hurts to realize this.

 

Your xMM's efforts to try to get you over him is again an example of selfishness. He is trying to appease his own guilt. It is not that he is thinking purely of your pain. He knows he is guilty of hurting you but isn't willing to fix the situation so you two can be together. I can't even imagine the pain I would feel if xMM tried to talk me through getting over him. I would be so angry. What nerve he has!

 

I would sit down and write down every negative thing you are feeling. Every thing he did or did not do that hurt you. It helps to see it in black and white. You will quickly see the list is longer than the good you felt in the A.

 

I would tell him he is a selfish jerk who does not deserve to even have a minute to talk to you. He is an emotionally stunted man (boy) who took the cowardly road of getting what he wanted. He is not happy in his marriage and instead of being a man and face things straight on, he lied to everyone, including you. He is damaged goods. Not you! You have the ability to stand up for yourself and be a bigger person than he is. Know you are a better person and deserve more than he ever could give you.

 

Standing up to him is standing up for yourself. I would stop all contact with him. You are simply stroking his ego by crying over him. He is thinking to himself, "look how great I am. She is devastated that she can't have me." Ugh! I would say to him in the last conversation that he is on selfish POS who does not have the ability to live anyone but himself. Tell him you feel sorry for him. Tell him you hope he learns to live his life with his and not as a coward. Tell him you WILL find a real man who knows how to treat a woman. (Say it as a definitive statement. You will be happy.) Wish him good luck in his life.

 

Accept it is over. He will respect you more and you can take pride you stood up for yourself because you deserve more than this boy-of-a-man can give you.

[WakingUp]

Elbe. I know, so why don't I? Am I pathetic? Am I coward? Am I crazy? Am I just stupid?

 

NO darling girl you are none of these things.

 

You are someone who trusted and believed, and you will be again.

 

Don't put yourself down, you are worth so much more.

 

Now get up, get dressed and get out the door. Do something to take your mind off this. Go for a walk, a run, go shopping, whatever it is that will make you feel better, just get out there and connect with the world.

 

Do not let someone else define how you feel about YOURSELF. Show yourself compassion and kindness, as you would for others.

 

Sending hugs... hang in there, it will pass.

[Cinnimon]

Tell him to go fix himself and his marriage instead of being on the phone and giving advice.

 

You have so many people who care. MM does not care.

 

I remember feeling like MM was the only person who REALLY cared or loved me... he was the one who caused me all the grief. The people who cared were the ones on the side-lines watching me self destruct.

 

So turn to the people who really care- not the ones that cause you grief.

 

Baby, this, also part of the pathetic. My family is watching me self destruct. I know they are suffering by watching my suffering.....do I stop it? NO,

[Cinnimon]

Cinnimon,

 

His words of love are false. If he truly loved you, he would make you a priority in his life. Instead, he is not taking the necessary steps to make this life possible. His actions say he is selfish and thinking of himself first. It took me while to realize this myself with my xMM. True love does not allow each other to be hurt like this, at any expense. He is choosing his BS. His fear of losing the comfortable life he has supercedes his desire to make a life with you. It hurts to realize this.

 

Your xMM's efforts to try to get you over him is again an example of selfishness. He is trying to appease his own guilt. It is not that he is thinking purely of your pain. He knows he is guilty of hurting you but isn't willing to fix the situation so you two can be together. I can't even imagine the pain I would feel if xMM tried to talk me through getting over him. I would be so angry. What nerve he has!

 

I would sit down and write down every negative thing you are feeling. Every thing he did or did not do that hurt you. It helps to see it in black and white. You will quickly see the list is longer than the good you felt in the A.

 

I would tell him he is a selfish jerk who does not deserve to even have a minute to talk to you. He is an emotionally stunted man (boy) who took the cowardly road of getting what he wanted. He is not happy in his marriage and instead of being a man and face things straight on, he lied to everyone, including you. He is damaged goods. Not you! You have the ability to stand up for yourself and be a bigger person than he is. Know you are a better person and deserve more than he ever could give you.

 

Standing up to him is standing up for yourself. I would stop all contact with him. You are simply stroking his ego by crying over him. He is thinking to himself, "look how great I am. She is devastated that she can't have me." Ugh! I would say to him in the last conversation that he is on selfish POS who does not have the ability to live anyone but himself. Tell him you feel sorry for him. Tell him you hope he learns to live his life with his and not as a coward. Tell him you WILL find a real man who knows how to treat a woman. (Say it as a definitive statement. You will be happy.) Wish him good luck in his life.

 

Accept it is over. He will respect you more and you can take pride you stood up for yourself because you deserve more than this boy-of-a-man can give you.

 

This is who I used to be before him.

[yellowmaverick]

Pull yourself together, Cinnimon. You are not stupid and ugly, but honestly, you are making yourself sound pathetic. This is exactly what the MM wants - you miserable and pining away for him. Don't give him that satisfaction!!! You are DONE with him!!

 

Sit down and write a description of who you want to be and then BE that person! 100% of the power is in your hands if you let it be.

[Baby123]

Please stop giving your family pain for this man- one thing that stops me resuming my R with MM was remembering my little brother (16) crying as he held my hair whilst I was vomiting with worry one weekend with anxiety over the situation.

 

Please turn to other people, cut this man out of your life.

 

Your MM might not be a bad person, mine is wonderful, but we aren't right for eachother and the timing is certainly not right.

 

But one thing is for sure, he is not the person to help with the pain.

 

Use the people who care, and care about them by stopping contact with this MM.

 

No family wants their daughter or sister involved with a MM (even if he leaves with all of his baggage)

[Cinnimon]

Pull yourself together, Cinnimon. You are not stupid and ugly, but honestly, you are making yourself sound pathetic. This is exactly what the MM wants - you miserable and pining away for him. Don't give him that satisfaction!!! You are DONE with him!!

 

Sit down and write a description of who you want to be and then BE that person! 100% of the power is in your hands if you let it be.

 

YellowMavrick. I know :sick:

That's what's killing me, I know.

[whereamigoing]

I'm so sorry you are going through it. When you are in the middle of that kind if heartbreak everything just seems so terrible and you just don't see how it will ever get better. We can all tell you it will get better and the rational side of you recognizes that, but right now you are all raw emotion and rationality is tucked away somewhere else for the time being.

 

It seems as though continuing communication with MM at this time is not helping you heal but pucking at the scab. I don't know your story but it dies sound as though he loves/cares for you...who cares? Right now you need to love yourself more. You need to be selfish and put yourself first... BTW women suck at this. But do it. Next time he calls, thank him for his concern and then tell him you can't communicate with him for now because you need to focus on you and your healing and his presence is interfering. It doesn't need to be a rude brushoff or a big F YOU, because you will likely regret doing that later and feel the need to reach out and mend that fence.

 

Afterwards...cry. It's not pathetic. It's your body dealing with emotions and letting that happen will go along way towards healing yourself. This may take some time and there isn't an easy way through it. At some point you may have to firce yourself out of the house..go for walks, go to the movies, hang out with a good friend. You may not want to at first but assign these things like homework tasks. Or think if it like a diet...you have to force yourself to break old habits and develop new ones. It's hard at first but if you stick with it it gets easier and the benefits can be tremendous...but mostly it just ducks in the beginning and you have to focus on the outcome: a happy, healthy you.

[happy stillmore]

Believe me, I have been where you are. I still hurt but in time, you will see how selfish he is. You will see that you are better off in the long run. You are not pathetic. The depth of the pain you are feeling is because you loved this man like no other. It was a deep love. It is the same with me. I allowed myself to open my heart to xML. I thought it was true love that meet at the wrong time. His (lack of) actions eventually showed me he was never going to make a life with me. I couldn't be a secret anymore. I had to end it for my self dignity.

 

Try to talk to yourself in terms and feelings he did with you. You can love yourself like a boyfriend. Think of all the things you love about yourself. Your ability to love is a beautiful thing. Some man will be very lucky some day.

[Lokie]

I feel so pathetic and sick. I really do. A normal person would tell him to take his I'm sorry and I love you and his grieving advice and stick them some where unpleasant. But I say it's okay, I appreciate you calling and I know you can't fix this and i'm sorry that every time you call I'm still crying.

 

WHAT THE H IS WRONG WITH ME??????

 

 

 

I feel so stupid, ugly and pathetic. :sick:

 

Cinnimon, honey, you are HUMAN. Please stop berating yourself with negative self talk. In my experience it only helps fuel my desire to return to the crappy relationship with the crappy, undeserving dude. If I feel like sh*t about myself, then that's all I feel I deserve.

 

THAT is a lie. You are lovable and deserving and strong. Those qualities are still inside of you. Never forget that.

 

You are hurting and grieving and it's freaking hard to cut contact with someone we mistakenly believe is our heart. Do you think we all ended up on this LS site because we have never hurt? We came hear to vent and to hear from others who have experienced what we have and who have survived.

 

Listen to the other posters. You WILL heal. You WILL survive. For me, it needs to be taken in micro-chunks, hence my "signature." For the next hour, no contact with Dude. Then, you can reevaluate. That's it. Before you know it, a year has passed. I promise.

 

((Big hugs to you.))

 

L

[happy stillmore]

It is hurting you too much to talk to xMM. Now it is your turn to be selfish. Tell him you can't talk to him. Tell him talking to him is preventing you from healing from his actions.