Falling out of love?

[Mr. Lucky]

No, it is something I know has happened. Ain't no way in hades my wife could ever rekindle anything with me. No way.

Then why is she your wife ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[firststeps]

Thank you all so much for the replies. l have to move on for my own sanity and peace.

 

l understand why 180 and NC are so critical. Last week was hell, he told me it was over with the other woman, only to change his mind two days later. l paid for it severely as l've gone into a state of depression and l feel so mentally exhausted all l want to do is sleep.

[Spark1111]

Thank you all so much for the replies. l have to move on for my own sanity and peace.

 

l understand why 180 and NC are so critical. Last week was hell, he told me it was over with the other woman, only to change his mind two days later. l paid for it severely as l've gone into a state of depression and l feel so mentally exhausted all l want to do is sleep.

 

Wish them well and stay off their roller coaster. Focus on you and implement the 180 and NC NOW. DO NOT discuss your relationship with him at all. He's made his choice and it is time to let HIM and HER live with it.

 

Get angry that he lied and deceived you and did not have the courage to tell you he no longer loved you until he found his paramour. Ironic, isn't it? And oh, so common.

 

DON'T live your life on hold while he flip flops. Buh-BYE Ace.

 

Tell him you DESERVE an honest man who LOVES and also RESPECTS you, and intend to find him or will enjoy living alone be able to do what you want now.

 

Then get busy. It's hard, but do it for you!

[Snowflower]

Thank you all so much for the replies. l have to move on for my own sanity and peace.

 

l understand why 180 and NC are so critical. Last week was hell, he told me it was over with the other woman, only to change his mind two days later. l paid for it severely as l've gone into a state of depression and l feel so mentally exhausted all l want to do is sleep.

 

Yes, the 180 and NC are critical here. He will keep yanking your chain (and the OW's haha) if you let him.

 

I remember this feeling well. I've been there too. The best way thing you can do is take your dog out of the fight. Let him do what he wants to do. He can ride the rollercoaster in his own misery.

[Owl]

^ And where are you now? Still in love with him/her? You may have thought you fell back in love, or your spouse may have thought so, but once it is gone it is gone.

 

Completely disagree with this.

 

My wife was falling/had fallen "out of love" with me during her EA. Her words, in fact. She told OM that she was "falling out of love with (Owl), and falling in love with (OM)".

 

Once OM was removed from the picture, she stopped investing in her relationship with him.

 

Over time, with work on her part and mine, she slowly gravitated back towards me.

 

She's now very much in love with me again, years later.

 

It CAN come back, if the WW/MM can make the CHOICE to try to re-invest in the marriage. If they choose not to do so...then they can't/won't fall back in love with the BS.

 

But it's damned sure possible for them to fall back in love with their BS if they choose to try to do so.

[Owl]

No, it is something I know has happened. Ain't no way in hades my wife could ever rekindle anything with me. No way.

 

I agree with you.

 

Completely impossible if you flat out refuse to even give it any effort at all on your part. If you wall her out, there's nothing she can do.

 

In other words...no one can FORCE someone to fall in love with them...or fall back in love with them...if that person refuses to try, refuses to give them the chance.

 

But if that person chooses to give them the chance...it can happen.

[thinkingofhim]

No, it is something I know has happened. Ain't no way in hades my wife could ever rekindle anything with me. No way.

 

Why not divorce and let her find someone who will love her then? This just sounds cruel...

[cozycottagelg]

I have fallen out of love. While sometimes when reflecting on my marriage I wonder how it happened so suddenly, but it wasn't sudden.

 

Over time, little by little, the love and respect that I had for my husband was compromised by his bad habits and behaviors. He is not a terrible person, he is a good husband and a wonderful father...but some of the decisions he has made during our marriage and some of the priorities that he had just caused me to lose "that feeling" for him. I love him. I care for him very much and in my delusional mind I would love to remain friends with him forever, though once I'm gone, he would never go for that.

 

There are days he is so wonderful that I just want to fall into his arms and kiss him with the passion we shared when our love was new and for years afterward, but I don't let myself. There is no third party, but yet I still can't allow myself to get sucked back in, it's too scary.

 

You can fall out of love.

[Fluttershy]

I have fallen out of love. While sometimes when reflecting on my marriage I wonder how it happened so suddenly, but it wasn't sudden.

 

Over time, little by little, the love and respect that I had for my husband was compromised by his bad habits and behaviors. He is not a terrible person, he is a good husband and a wonderful father...but some of the decisions he has made during our marriage and some of the priorities that he had just caused me to lose "that feeling" for him. I love him. I care for him very much and in my delusional mind I would love to remain friends with him forever, though once I'm gone, he would never go for that.

 

There are days he is so wonderful that I just want to fall into his arms and kiss him with the passion we shared when our love was new and for years afterward, but I don't let myself. There is no third party, but yet I still can't allow myself to get sucked back in, it's too scary.

 

You can fall out of love.

What you describe isn't falling out of love though. It is having your love killed by him and even your own choices.

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is just words that people make up when they are focusing on the wrong things and don't have a strong grasp of reality.

Love can turn to hate. Love can be killed. And just because you still love someone doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't move on from them.

[Snowflower]

I totally agree that you can fall out of love with your spouse for various reasons:

 

1. Because of your spouse's actions

2. Because you and/or your spouse have changed over the span of many years

3. Because your spouse has hurt you emotionally many times (kind of similar to #1)

4. You and/or your spouse have not actively worked on your relationship in a long time.

5. Your own actions (taking your spouse for granted, having an affair, focusing on other interests/people, etc. etc)

6. What else?

 

What I don't buy into is when the spouse suddenly quits loving their spouse because a new person now holds their interest.

 

If you have fallen out of love with your spouse then make your next decisions in an honorable way--don't cheat. Just because you no longer love your spouse doesn't mean you can hurt them in the process.

 

I'm using "you" in the general sense and not aiming my post at anyone in particular.

Edited December 2, 2013 by Snowflower
thought of another reason!

[cozycottagelg]

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is just words that people make up when they are focusing on the wrong things and don't have a strong grasp of reality.

 

I agree with this as it fits many situations I have read on here. But it also fits my own situation, but I don't believe I'm focusing on the wrong things.

 

I do love him, but not romantically. It's like he is my brother, hence, I love you but I'm not IN love with you. I think that can apply even when there isn't a third party.

[not-so-sure]

There are days he is so wonderful that I just want to fall into his arms and kiss him with the passion we shared when our love was new and for years afterward, but I don't let myself. There is no third party, but yet I still can't allow myself to get sucked back in, it's too scary.

 

I agree with this as it fits many situations I have read on here. But it also fits my own situation, but I don't believe I'm focusing on the wrong things.

 

I do love him, but not romantically. It's like he is my brother, hence, I love you but I'm not IN love with you. I think that can apply even when there isn't a third party.

 

It sounds like you choose not to. Love is a choice. I am slowly starting to realise this. It was only eight months ago that AP and me 'broke up' and I was certain that I was no longer in love with my wife. She was had become a sister to me. Even three weeks ago, I was sitting on the fence. Today I am feeling more positive that I can rediscover what brought my wife and me together. It's a slow journey for me - I became a real sucker for that chemical rush of the first stages of love with my AP (and I still miss that feeling) but I had to make the decision to work for my wife. There are many things about my wife I find annoying, even infuriating, but I choose to try not to focus on those things and on the qualities that make her a smart and driven woman, and a fantastic mother and nurturer.

 

Now it's up to her if she accepts that.

[AlwaysGrowing]

What you describe isn't falling out of love though. It is having your love killed by him and even your own choices.

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is just words that people make up when they are focusing on the wrong things and don't have a strong grasp of reality.

Love can turn to hate. Love can be killed. And just because you still love someone doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't move on from them.

 

The opposite of love is NOT hate...it is indifference.

 

If someone or something makes you angry or hateful..there is something there that you value and it upset you.

 

If you don't love someone or have any feelings..there really is little they can do that bothers you. You simply don't care. Your focus is not on them at all. Even someone who is trying to goad you, you take a business like approach with it...logical thinking..not emotional.

[Fluttershy]

The opposite of love is NOT hate...it is indifference.

 

If someone or something makes you angry or hateful..there is something there that you value and it upset you.

 

If you don't love someone or have any feelings..there really is little they can do that bothers you. You simply don't care. Your focus is not on them at all. Even someone who is trying to goad you, you take a business like approach with it...logical thinking..not emotional.

 

We will have to disagree because I am a firm believer in the dictionary and the true meaning of words.

google hate, love and indifference to see the definitions. NO where in indifference does the word dislike fit.

And hate is most definitely the opposite of love. If someone molests and murders your child I sincerely doubt anyone would feel indifference towards that person. Most people would feel extreme hatred.

Indifference is on a playing field of its own. And sometimes you can think you are indifferent when really it is just submerged hatred. It can be denial.

But my point wasn't word mashing or the like. It was that people who you love can treat you so bad that you will have feelings of hate which is the opposite of love and thanks to human biology we can feel more than one emotion at a time. (lots of interesting studies on children as they develop and learn this)

Indifference isn't an emotion. It is a lack of emotion.

[Journee]

I have fallen out of love. While sometimes when reflecting on my marriage I wonder how it happened so suddenly, but it wasn't sudden.

 

Over time, little by little, the love and respect that I had for my husband was compromised by his bad habits and behaviors. He is not a terrible person, he is a good husband and a wonderful father...but some of the decisions he has made during our marriage and some of the priorities that he had just caused me to lose "that feeling" for him. I love him. I care for him very much and in my delusional mind I would love to remain friends with him forever, though once I'm gone, he would never go for that.

 

There are days he is so wonderful that I just want to fall into his arms and kiss him with the passion we shared when our love was new and for years afterward, but I don't let myself. There is no third party, but yet I still can't allow myself to get sucked back in, it's too scary.

 

You can fall out of love.

 

Wow, I can relate.

 

I too had built up resentments for my H and due to some hurtful experiences in our R had began to not let myself love him. To the point of doing the 180 without even realizing it. We separated and chaos ensued.

 

Can I tell you that after letting go of my fears and pains from my past (that impacted out R tremendously by my own hand) that I have been able to love my H freely. Just recently I was holding onto so much fear (manifested into anger) that I could not give an inch. It was killing me too because I am a nurturer and a lover at heart. It was unnatural for me not to be this way.

 

Do you know how much it meant to my H when I tore down a wall and just uttered the phrase "It will be ok. We have each other." It allowed him to drop his fears too. It was incredible and frightening to realize that I had that much of an impact on him. That a handful of words would help mend scars we created together. Something so simple mean so much to him. I didn't see it coming.

 

I do not know your views on religion and it is none of my business but my letting go of my hurt and fear had everything to do with prayer. If you would had told me just a few short months ago that we would be in such a good place I would not have believed it. Once I allowed myself to be loved ,it happened. Once I realized that my H had his own set of issues and it wasn't all about Journee, I softened. I knew he could/did carry the same fears and pains.

 

I really hope that if you what you want is to be with your H that you are able to take that leap of faith. I know it's scary and sometimes we fall on our faces don't we? ....but if you do, you may be met with the passion and openness that you desire. It really does take two and what's more is that so often we are in a different place emotionally than our spouse. Getting on the same page can be the most difficult part.

[Spark1111]

Every psychologist, counselor, MC I know groans when they here a spouse say ILYBIANILWY.......

 

It means the person they are dealing with has no real knowledge of mature love and what it takes to sustain it.

 

Complacenecy and resentment kill more marriages than anything else.

 

If you took all that time you spent while dating...texting, calling, planning fun dates and couple time, being emotionally honest, listening, cards, letters, and undivided attention to your spouse, to the tune of 15 hours per week, uninterrupted by children and continued to devote that weekly to your marriage....you'd be pretty happy.

[RightThere]

There are days he is so wonderful that I just want to fall into his arms and kiss him with the passion we shared when our love was new and for years afterward, but I don't let myself. There is no third party, but yet I still can't allow myself to get sucked back in, it's too scary.

 

You can fall out of love.

 

Which is why you cannot fall back into love. Your barriers are preventing it. People fall out of love a lot of the time because they choose not to be in love anymore.

[RightThere]

Every psychologist, counselor, MC I know groans when they here a spouse say ILYBIANILWY.......

 

It means the person they are dealing with has no real knowledge of mature love and what it takes to sustain it.

 

Complacenecy and resentment kill more marriages than anything else.

 

I don't doubt complacency and resentment are big, but poor communication kills more marriages than anything else combined.

[Spark1111]

I don't doubt complacency and resentment are big, but poor communication kills more marriages than anything else combined.

 

If you spent 15 hours a week, EXCLUSIVELY talking to each other with no outside interruptions.....like dating....like an AFFAIR...you'd HAVE to communicate.

 

IN MC, mY FWS learned it wasn't what he didn't get from the marriage that was causing his unhappiness... it was what he stopped giving that led to it's demise and subsequent crash into his fAP....who invested thousands of texts, emails, calls....probably 15 hours worth.

 

Imagine that? funny how that happens, no?

[wanting more]

Every psychologist, counselor, MC I know groans when they here a spouse say ILYBIANILWY.......

 

It means the person they are dealing with has no real knowledge of mature love and what it takes to sustain it.

 

Complacenecy and resentment kill more marriages than anything else.

 

If you took all that time you spent while dating...texting, calling, planning fun dates and couple time, being emotionally honest, listening, cards, letters, and undivided attention to your spouse, to the tune of 15 hours per week, uninterrupted by children and continued to devote that weekly to your marriage....you'd be pretty happy.

 

I knew and felt mature love for my xBSO. He was everything to me. His choices to do certain things made me lose respect for him. But I still loved him. And I took him back. And then he made more bad choices , and he broke my heart. I didn't fall out of love over night. It was a very gradual process until I realized I wasn't in love with him anymore. That realization hurt more than one of his really bad choices he'd made.

 

He got help for his issues. And years later I wanted to love him again. I tried to love him again (this was years before my A) I wanted us to be what we once were long ago. I couldn't. He had hurt me more than I could get passed or deal with.

 

Things happen in relationships that sometimes can't be overcome. A's or other things. I know in my heart I tried to get over things but I couldn't.

 

Answers are too general sometimes on here. I do love my xBSO. he's the father of my children. We had many many years together. But I'm not in love with him. It's not an excuse. It is what it is. I know what mature love is and I gave all I had to try and get back to that place/feeling with him. But sometimes you just can't.

[Steadfast]

You may think of it as BS, but it is 100% true. When someone decides to disconnect from you it is over for good.

 

No, you could not have rekindled the spark. At some point it becomes a bridge too far for many people. There is absolutely nothing you could do to undo what caused the problem in the first place. There is a fundamental issue that is never going to change no matter how people might like to dance around it.

 

^^^This is crap and does not apply to mature people who are realistic about the natural ups and downs of a marriage.

 

No it's very real. People do fall out of love.

 

I fell out of love last week. Twice the week before. I really feel out of love the week before that and I'm pretty sure I fell out of love several times the week before that.

 

...And I bet I fell out of love a dozen or more times in October, it was kind of a rough month.

 

I'm exaggerating and talking out my butt of course but my point is valid. The rush of "feelings" will wax and wane over the course of a marriage, over the course of a year, over the course of a day and some times even minute by minute.

 

The reason people talk about 'commitment is about weathering those storms and working through various issues and doing what needs to be done to keep the relationship working even though the butterflies and warmandcozys may not be there all the time...

 

This is a great point. I too believe the OP's husband is being 100% truthful. Then again, maybe a better way of putting it is the percentages say he is.

 

Oldshirt, Fluttershy and others nailed it pretty well, I'll chip in by saying I've learned that 'love' is a different thing to different people. In this way (and IMO) Realist3 is correct because the same person who cheats is generally the kind of person whose motivation to marry is based on emotion, internal or external pressure, social desire or any number of unhealthy reasons. If a person's motivation is based on anything other than making a decision to love (sexually) honor and cherish, it's gonna' come apart sooner or later. False love needs to be fed, be returned. It needs to be exciting. It's got to have that new car smell and impress others. It is a love driven by selfish need. That's the OP's husband.

 

I laugh when I hear people say they need to 'rekindle the spark'. Real love will grow and burn hotter with time, like a fire that is properly fed with fresh fuel. You can't go back to the start, or start in the middle...it just doesn't work that way. And I'm not just talking about sex. That's trickier.

 

Hate to say it, but a marriage relationship stands a much, much better chance of surviving after a long engagement. Each partner needs to know the other is on the same page. Discussions need to be had concerning what each want to accomplish, together and apart, what they want their sex life to be like, what will happen if one gets sick, and so on. Faithfulness needs to be tested before it can be depended upon. Loving partners don't cheat if cheating means hurting the most important person in the world to them.

 

If the most important person is yourself, then it's inevitable. IMO, most marriages fail because people don't put the work in beforehand or they choose to ignore the character flaws of the person they're dating.

 

Like many here, my life is a series of what ifs and after-the-facts. I'm still learning. In the OP's case, she needs to send hubby skidding on his ass. Better to learn now what real love is than to never learn it. Smart is sexy.

 

*EDIT* It's rare, but some cheaters do realize the error of their ways and want to sincerely reconcile. The betrayed can really mess up this process by being too eager to forgive. I base most of my advice on that fundamental belief. It is rare but it does happen Realist3; even if it never happened to us. In these cases, we must respect the decisions of others.

Edited December 3, 2013 by Steadfast

[Spark1111]

I knew and felt mature love for my xBSO. He was everything to me. His choices to do certain things made me lose respect for him. But I still loved him. And I took him back. And then he made more bad choices , and he broke my heart. I didn't fall out of love over night. It was a very gradual process until I realized I wasn't in love with him anymore. That realization hurt more than one of his really bad choices he'd made.

 

He got help for his issues. And years later I wanted to love him again. I tried to love him again (this was years before my A) I wanted us to be what we once were long ago. I couldn't. He had hurt me more than I could get passed or deal with.

 

Things happen inthat sometimes can't be overcome. A's or other things. I know in my heart I tried to get over things but I couldn't.

 

Answers are too general sometimes on here. I do love my xBSO. he's the father of my children. We had many many years together. But I'm not in love with him. It's not an excuse. It is what it is. I know what mature love is and I gave all I had to try and get back to that place/feeling with him. But sometimes you just can't.

 

Well that is the way it is suppose to be....It takes two investing to keep a marriage happy, as opposed to fueling an attraction for another and THEN declaring ILYBIANILWY because limerance has reappeared.

[underwater2010]

In your WH's case.....I think it is true. He fell out of love and decided to have an affair rather than communicate with you. I am sorry and I know it hurts like hell.

 

 

But he is telling you that he cannot reconcile with you and remain faithful. He is being HONEST. At least give him credit for that.

 

 

He is saving you a lot of hurt in the future. Take this opportunity to find your happiness.