blue963 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I find the relationship as the OW mentally exhausting. MM is having a difficult time with the holiday as lost mother 3 years ago and father earlier this year. He has had a year of changes. (Father lived 300 feet away on same property and made major changes to the home for other uses, etc.) So I do feel bad for him and have been there fore him. He did apologize a week ago that he is having such a hard time and felt he was falling apart. Feels that the next month will be hard with christmas coming). When he goes thru things like this he needs space. I was there to emotionally support him when they both passed. This week has been challenging for him but he did manage to keep in good contact. In fact, he said some very deep heartfelt things. We communicated briefly yesterday morning, said he would catch up with me later in the day. then out of the blue again with the pulling away. (There is no communication - it just stops) I would even be fine if I got an email having a tough day and need some time to myself. I don't want to seem selfish, but it does make a person kinda feel like they are being used. I'm tired of the games, the uncertainty, the "I only need you" and then it appears to be "who gives a crap". Yes I know that sometimes I am overly sensitive, but when this type of connection is the base of your relationship, it is important to a woman. Just goes to show the craziness of these types of relationships and the mess that it can make out of our heads. I know that the best thing for me would be to end this, but unfortunately he has been such a huge part of my life and a very dear friend too.
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 How long has it been an affair and not a friendship?
Author blue963 Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 Around 5 years. Friends for two years before that. He had a deeply special and unique experience with his parents that others have not experienced, has no children and no siblings. I have no siblings and I can understand the pain of losing both parents. My father has passed and my mother is very ill and I am facing this right now. Fortunately, i have several children that can distract me and still feel like I have a focus.
Author blue963 Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 Im 50 he is 53. My children are teens.
Nothisgirl Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 My mm has never pulled away like that, hes never dissapeared..in fact. He's probably the most consistent man ive ever been w/ and tbh A or not I don't think I could handle the person I love playing that game...you are a person with feelings and if he loves you he shouldn't be playing cat and mouse. I can imagine that would be very painful and confusing and I'm sorry you are going through that. Have you told him how this makes you feel?
bentleychic Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 My friend (also the OW in an A) and I agree that these types of relationships are just totally crazy making. Roller coaster of love or something like that. It does get exhausting. I have no idea how you've put up with it for 5 years. (Mine does not disappear for days. He tried that a few times at the beginning and I told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever did it again. I was done. The relationship was unfair to me as it was without disappearing without a word as if I'd done something wrong and I would not put up with that disrespect and negligence.) 1
Author blue963 Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 Well i understand the low that he is in. The relationship with his parents was something that other people have not experienced. I cannot share because it is very unique...but I get it. We connected yesterday morning for a bit and he did email this morning, but I did not answer or chat. I need to figure some things out for myself. I can tell by the message that he is in an emotional mess we are very connected. He isn't faking it.... I can feel that he is extremely depressed. i also have a suspicion that his wife is decorating for christmas and this is what has kicked it off. So it isn't like he has disappeared for days.....but when you are connecting with someone 3-4 times a day...saying good night with words of love.....to have the shift is like someone throwing ice water on you.
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Many people struggle when they get close to the big number 50. They feel like they haven't done all that they wanted to...some flounder..and make life choices totally out of character. Most often, they regret those choices...once they resolve those issues internally. Add to the mix, losing his mother at year 2 of the affair, dad at year 4. That is a whole lot to process. It seems like you are his IC. Not a healthy dynamic. Most people don't have an intimate relationship with their IC. You can not be objective when you have a horse in the race. After 5 years...I think a pattern has been fairly firmly set. You are there when he wants you to be, and he makes you disappear when he feels like it. Your feelings have no bearing or impact on his decisions. So I wonder, if you dissect your close emotional bond..how much of it...is you propping him up..and how much is he there for you. Looking back, you might find, how your problems might have been addressed quite quickly, where his were the main topic of conversation year after year. Any relationship that is mentally exhausting..usually means you are in a relationship with an emotional vampire. There is a tiredness that is just so consuming when someone drains you emotionally. Listen to it. Refuse to be the feel good transfusion for him...it comes at too great a cost to you. Your children have less of a mom because of it. 1
Author blue963 Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 Actually, he has supported me through my difficulties to. He has a different way of dealing with things. My children do not have less of a mother. He supports me in any amount of time that I spend with them. He know that they are first in my life.
bentleychic Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Well i understand the low that he is in. The relationship with his parents was something that normal people experienced. I cannot share because it is very unique...but I get it. We connect yesterday morning for a bit and he did email this morning, but I did not answer or chat. I need to figure some things out for myself. I can tell by the message that he is in an emotional mess we are very connected. He isn't faking it.... I can feel that he is extremely depressed. i also have a suspicion that his wife is decorating for christmas and this is what has kicked it off. So it isn't like he has disappeared for days.....but when you are connecting with someone 3-4 times a day...saying good night with words of love.....to have the shift is like someone throwing ice water on you. Oh I agree with you, but I also feel that it's harsh and disrespectful. If you TRULY love someone, you can take a minute to text them "Hey, I'm feeling crummy and really not up to talk. Love you, will message you again tomorrow." EVERY DAY if you're feeling crummy for days, but there's NO excuse for no contact unless you're dead or comatose. LOL This is a huge soap box issue for me. If we were in a normal relationship, I could call or come to his house to check on him. I can't, obviously. I have expectations, he's known them from the beginning and if he cannot follow through with the few that I have (SO few considering our relationship), he can let me go or vice versa. Most OW have so few expectations from their MM and settle for so much less than they deserve. So many less than in a "normal" relationship. I truly feel like you (general) need to figure out what yours are and not settle for less than that. Contact is non-negotiable for me without a fantastic reason.
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Actually, he has supported me through my difficulties to. He has a different way of dealing with things. My children do not have less of a mother. He supports me in any amount of time that I spend with them. He know that they are first in my life. What does supporting you in any amount of time that you spend with them mean? Do they not live with you? And if one is mentally exhausted it affects all areas of their life...no one is above that.
Author blue963 Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 bentlychic..... yes it is true that it if was a normal relationship you could call or check. I am a stickler when it comes to certain things. If I say that I will contact someone I will. I expect the same. It doesn't even have to be a certain set amount of time. It really has to do with the fact that I am important enough on your list to let me know what is going on. Simple as that. Maybe ego is involved here, but in this type of relationship you dont get much. I at least would like that type of respect. 1
Author blue963 Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 (edited) Meaning that the time I spend with my children is my top priority and it comes before anything else. My children live with me. Edited December 1, 2013 by blue963
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I find the relationship as the OW mentally exhausting. MM is having a difficult time with the holiday as lost mother 3 years ago and father earlier this year. He has had a year of changes. (Father lived 300 feet away on same property and made major changes to the home for other uses, etc.) So I do feel bad for him and have been there fore him. He did apologize a week ago that he is having such a hard time and felt he was falling apart. Feels that the next month will be hard with christmas coming). When he goes thru things like this he needs space. I was there to emotionally support him when they both passed. This week has been challenging for him but he did manage to keep in good contact. In fact, he said some very deep heartfelt things. We communicated briefly yesterday morning, said he would catch up with me later in the day. then out of the blue again with the pulling away. (There is no communication - it just stops) I would even be fine if I got an email having a tough day and need some time to myself. I don't want to seem selfish, but it does make a person kinda feel like they are being used. I'm tired of the games, the uncertainty, the "I only need you" and then it appears to be "who gives a crap". Yes I know that sometimes I am overly sensitive, but when this type of connection is the base of your relationship, it is important to a woman. Just goes to show the craziness of these types of relationships and the mess that it can make out of our heads. I know that the best thing for me would be to end this, but unfortunately he has been such a huge part of my life and a very dear friend too. Stop making this about you and thinking things are not good in your affair. He is going through a lot and it has nothing to do with you. Try not to take it so personally if you don't see or hear from him in a few days, or a week. He told you why he's distant. Believe him or really think about ending your affair if you can't trust him and take him at his word. He may be one of those types who doesn't always want to talk about what he feels and why about his personal stuff and pain all the time. Most men tend to just go on and do the best they can, want to be left alone to deal with that stuff in their own way. Anyway, if you feel like you've had enough, then end it. For your own sanity.
Bootsie Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I think if you are exhausted and attribute it in any way to the relationship you have with him, then you need to re-evaluate the relationship. You mentioned that his wife is decorating for Christmas. Does this mean you are worried that he and his wife are "connecting" in some way over their Christmas plans? If so, I expect many OW face this same issue at this time of year.
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