Speakingofwhich Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Popsicle, please remember when reading responses (not just on this thread, but any where on LS or any message board, really) that just because someone makes a generalized statement about all A's, all MM, all OW, it doesn't necessarily make it true about YOUR MM/A, etc. I've seen a lot of statements lately that I've wanted to call people on and disagree, but there's really no point. I used to take a lot of things as a personal affront and then I realized some people are just in a black and white bubble and like to generalize everything in this neat little package wrapped with a pretty pink bow that makes themselves feel better. It doesn't make it fact, though. It's just opinion (and sometimes experience, but still not fact for ALL A's.) ^^^^^^^^^ This is so true. 2
GypsumSatellite Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I wonder this myself at times, but then I see I'm not that much different than what he does have at home. I'm not much idfferent than anyone he dated in his past, either. If someone's just looking for something infrequent, they may go wildly different but for someone to look for a regular AP - they want something familiar and just as stable as the spouse at home. Some want that same feeling they had with the spouse when they first married, especially when you start looking at 20+ year marriages. That restlessness and a need to prove it's not them that's gone wrong it's the M. Or that it's the spouse. Or anything external, not internal. Like a lot of relationships, over time you're seeing people become disinterested due to many factors. If they work different shifts, they lose the ability to be close to one another. There's the ever-present problem that younger children (ages 0-16) typically need someone around to keep an eye on things while someone works. You have schedules with the kids pulling the couple apart - if Kid A needs to be at one practice by 5 and Kid B needs to be across town at another practice by 6, the parents have to split their time yet again. Both parents hold jobs, they may not have much time at home together, especially if they bring their work home with them. Then, if any MM/MW has had a previous A, you're looking at resentment from that. If they don't help around the house or with the kids, further resentment. If they don't pay attention to their spouse in the way the spouse wants (conflict avoiders are all over the place in As) then there's another thing. An MM or MW gets this out of an affair: ego strokes. A person who can dedicate time their spouses can't to admiring, loving and being with them. You don't worry about bills or sick kids or in-laws with your AP, at first and sometimes never. You don't have to get bored of them because you see them once a week or so. You don't have to put up with their bad habits for the most part. They never see you sick or puffy faced or behaving badly. This is very generic. I mean, each case has different specific reasons but overall you're looking at people who want to be wanted for who they are, not what they can do for someone else. They want to be needed, not tolerated. Someone who thinks their jokes are funny, will listen to their stories, can get excited for them on a whim, can be anywhere in a reasonable amount of time. Eventually, the generics break down. The longer you are involved with an MM or MW in an A, you see the cracks. The flaws. The things that are relationship killers. You see how they could improve their M, or their parenting, or their working relationships. You see their triggers, their illnesses, their stress. The longer you're in, the more human they become. And you become yet another person they don't want to disappoint. An MM or MW will chase their AP because their AP is a known quantity, much like their M. They know that you, the AP, would be with them even when they are M and most people won't. They know the AP is a good person, because they stay discreet and don't cause a lot of drama. A MM or MW isn't going to end an A until they think the AP will no longer give them what they had been getting. Contrary to belief, it isn't easy as pie to find a good AP. It's not just around the corner. A good AP is much like a good W or H - reliable, honest and accepting. And that's gold to an MM or MW who wants a secondary relationship. 2
bentleychic Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Direct convo from last evening. Her: Where are you? Me: @Uchiko with **** H: Yummy! Have fun! M: Yep. We should go sometime. H: Too risky. H: Check in and post a pic of her M: Oh geez, okay. H: Well done. Talk to you when you get back. Wow. Can't wrap my head around that one.
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Wow. Can't wrap my head around that one. What do you mean?
rae_lana Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Direct convo from last evening. Her: Where are you? Me: @Uchiko with **** H: Yummy! Have fun! M: Yep. We should go sometime. H: Too risky. H: Check in and post a pic of her M: Oh geez, okay. H: Well done. Talk to you when you get back. Why did she ask you to do that? Seems more like a control thing on her part, so she knows where you are.
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Why did she ask you to do that? Seems more like a control thing on her part, so she knows where you are. She is trying to make it appear that me and my wife have a great marriage. I have had issues with women FB friends coming onto me. It was an issue. Since she started the whole 'post pics of your wife, talk about her...' the women have backed off. It seems to have worked at this point.
SarahJames Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I wonder this myself at times, but then I see I'm not that much different than what he does have at home. I'm not much idfferent than anyone he dated in his past, either. If someone's just looking for something infrequent, they may go wildly different but for someone to look for a regular AP - they want something familiar and just as stable as the spouse at home. Some want that same feeling they had with the spouse when they first married, especially when you start looking at 20+ year marriages. That restlessness and a need to prove it's not them that's gone wrong it's the M. Or that it's the spouse. Or anything external, not internal. Like a lot of relationships, over time you're seeing people become disinterested due to many factors. If they work different shifts, they lose the ability to be close to one another. There's the ever-present problem that younger children (ages 0-16) typically need someone around to keep an eye on things while someone works. You have schedules with the kids pulling the couple apart - if Kid A needs to be at one practice by 5 and Kid B needs to be across town at another practice by 6, the parents have to split their time yet again. Both parents hold jobs, they may not have much time at home together, especially if they bring their work home with them. Then, if any MM/MW has had a previous A, you're looking at resentment from that. If they don't help around the house or with the kids, further resentment. If they don't pay attention to their spouse in the way the spouse wants (conflict avoiders are all over the place in As) then there's another thing. An MM or MW gets this out of an affair: ego strokes. A person who can dedicate time their spouses can't to admiring, loving and being with them. You don't worry about bills or sick kids or in-laws with your AP, at first and sometimes never. You don't have to get bored of them because you see them once a week or so. You don't have to put up with their bad habits for the most part. They never see you sick or puffy faced or behaving badly. This is very generic. I mean, each case has different specific reasons but overall you're looking at people who want to be wanted for who they are, not what they can do for someone else. They want to be needed, not tolerated. Someone who thinks their jokes are funny, will listen to their stories, can get excited for them on a whim, can be anywhere in a reasonable amount of time. Eventually, the generics break down. The longer you are involved with an MM or MW in an A, you see the cracks. The flaws. The things that are relationship killers. You see how they could improve their M, or their parenting, or their working relationships. You see their triggers, their illnesses, their stress. The longer you're in, the more human they become. And you become yet another person they don't want to disappoint. An MM or MW will chase their AP because their AP is a known quantity, much like their M. They know that you, the AP, would be with them even when they are M and most people won't. They know the AP is a good person, because they stay discreet and don't cause a lot of drama. A MM or MW isn't going to end an A until they think the AP will no longer give them what they had been getting. Contrary to belief, it isn't easy as pie to find a good AP. It's not just around the corner. A good AP is much like a good W or H - reliable, honest and accepting. And that's gold to an MM or MW who wants a secondary relationship. This is so wonderfully put! The ending especially resonated with me - I started to think that the MM kept trying to get back into my life whenever I implemented NC because he TRULY cared for me. WRONG, it's because finding a good AP isn't as easy as you'd think! 1
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 We both know where each other is almost all day. It isn't a control thing, we are just in constant communication. It was higher, but now it is about 300 messages a day.
bentleychic Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I'll admit, I haven't been following your story. Are you all content just being AP or do you plan to leave your wife at some point?
bentleychic Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Content. What we have is a good mix. I guess that makes a bit more sense. I cannot see doing that in an A where one and/or the other hoped it to end with them together. It wouldn't make sense for the OW to encourage the MM to make it look like a wonderfully happy marriage, in that case.
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 The plan is to keep our marriages intact. She just gets a bit jealous of the women that hit on me... for no reason. This was her idea to make them back off.
Snipercatt Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 She just gets a bit jealous of the women that hit on me... for no reason. This was her idea to make them back off. Well, then, I'd think it is a bit of a control thing. Regardless, it seems to work for you.
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 She is trying to make it appear that me and my wife have a great marriage. I have had issues with women FB friends coming onto me. It was an issue. Since she started the whole 'post pics of your wife, talk about her...' the women have backed off. It seems to have worked at this point. What women do you have on your facebook that hit on you? That's a bit odd. No offense meant by me saying that. 1
bentleychic Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 What women do you have on your facebook that hit on you? That's a bit odd. No offense meant by me saying that. I will say that it's not uncommon AT ALL. I have "in a relationship" on my facebook and I have people come on to me and ask me out. I did when I was married, too and I was definitely not searching it out or encouraging it.
Author Popsicle Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 Do not base what he does or doesn't do on facebook and judge his marriage that way. How can you tell that you've been his only affair? Remember, this man is a great liar and deceiver! He has done this to his wife so don't fool yourself into thinking that he'd never lie to you. Hey, if he has had other affairs, why would you tell you? or if he has another OW on the side as well, not just you, how would you know? Makes you think doesn't it? You fulfill needs he isn't getting at home. Excitement, making him feel good and sexy, an ego boost. He may or may not have real feelings for you, but in the jist of things, he has no intention of giving up his wife and life with her. He is used to TWO women meeting his needs, why give up on one when he can have two? I am under no delusions that he will leave his wife and kids for me (nor do I want him to) and I've never asked him if I'm his only affair, I wouldn't expect truth to come from him anyway. I can just tell by how inexperienced he acts and how utterly surprised he acts that another woman even likes him.
Realist3 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 What women do you have on your facebook that hit on you? That's a bit odd. No offense meant by me saying that. Most of them I don't know. I am fairly well known and was not as discriminant as I should have been initially when entering FB world. I have 3700 FB friend only about 400 I know personally. But the hits have come from both.
Snipercatt Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Popsicle, people will act inexperienced if it gets them what they want, especially if they thought you needed/wanted to feel special, or not to feel like one of many. You simply can't know. 1
Realist3 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Well, then, I'd think it is a bit of a control thing. Regardless, it seems to work for you. Maybe it is, but I'm fine with that. She has been in such an overly controlled relationship since her marriage began that I am happy to give that to her. It is no big deal to me. In fact I planned it that way. I was going to be the opposite of what she is running from. There have been times when I have had to exert some control,(same time last year), but no prob.
thecharade Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I don't know if Realist would agree with this, but my research has indicated that men are practically defined by marriage: as providers, parents, partners, sons, brothers, and adults. "Taking care of their family" is a duty, and to divorce is to fail at that duty. After that, men are left to juggle full-time jobs with child care and other domestic duties, things they often feel ill-prepared for. Add in the painful lack of other defining roles like daily contact with their children, and divorce sends them into an identity crisis of epic proportions. Hence, men suffer twice the rate of depression post-divorce. As they are contemplating their frustrations or disappointments . . . in walks the other woman! When you are lacking in any way and terrified to lose the M that defines you, a fun fling that you keep tucked into your personal, secret compartment solves the problem! 1
Realist3 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I don't know if Realist would agree with this, but my research has indicated that men are practically defined by marriage: as providers, parents, partners, sons, brothers, and adults. "Taking care of their family" is a duty, and to divorce is to fail at that duty. After that, men are left to juggle full-time jobs with child care and other domestic duties, things they often feel ill-prepared for. Add in the painful lack of other defining roles like daily contact with their children, and divorce sends them into an identity crisis of epic proportions. Hence, men suffer twice the rate of depression post-divorce. As they are contemplating their frustrations or disappointments . . . in walks the other woman! When you are lacking in any way and terrified to lose the M that defines you, a fun fling that you keep tucked into your personal, secret compartment solves the problem! That is a lot to digest. Yes perhaps, because of my social standing my marriage does in a sense define me, but more importantly it defines my kids, and not just in the public arena, but in our private arena. There is no identity crisis I face. I have known my wife since she was 15. While our marriage has devolved into a brother sister relationship there is a great comfort level there. It is a stability all the way around. Because the MOW does come from the same socio-economic circle, she has been able to come in and fill a void I have had. And yes it does solve a problem for me. 2
Author Popsicle Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 (edited) Contrary to belief, it isn't easy as pie to find a good AP. It's not just around the corner. A good AP is much like a good W or H - reliable, honest and accepting. And that's gold to an MM or MW who wants a secondary relationship. You got that right. Popsicle, people will act inexperienced if it gets them what they want, especially if they thought you needed/wanted to feel special, or not to feel like one of many. You simply can't know. No, he really is inexperienced. He makes a lot of dorky rookie (in terms of dealing with women in dating) type of mistakes. Most women would have been turned off and dumped him a long time ago. Several of my friends agree with me too. Edited December 2, 2013 by Popsicle
Realist3 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Sorry I missed this but this is so so so very true. Contrary to belief, it isn't easy as pie to find a good AP. It's not just around the corner. A good AP is much like a good W or H - reliable, honest and accepting. And that's gold to an MM or MW who wants a secondary relationship. Your whole post was actually quite excellent.
MissBee Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Different MM get different things from their As. But for many what they get is: a lover/gf AND a wife, whom many see as doing two different things. Which may be neither better nor worst, but different. I think that seems to be the contention most times: MM/MW wanting a lover AND their spouse. They do not want to divorce. Not looking to start a new life. They want their regular life and all it entails AND a lover. But many APs are led to believe there is a choice in the future when most times the reality is that the MP in an affair gets an affair...they want an affair...and anything about leaving, new life, new spouse isn't at all their plan. 4
Realist3 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Different MM get different things from their As. But for many what they get is: a lover/gf AND a wife, whom many see as doing two different things. Which may be neither better nor worst, but different. I think that seems to be the contention most times: MM/MW wanting a lover AND their spouse. They do not want to divorce. Not looking to start a new life. They want their regular life and all it entails AND a lover. But many APs are led to believe there is a choice in the future when most times the reality is that the MP in an affair gets an affair...they want an affair...and anything about leaving, new life, new spouse isn't at all their plan. This is what I think many single OW's do not understand. So they are told a slew of lies just so that the affair takes place, when that is all that is wanted. There are a couple of single OW's here that accept it for what it is, but they are few and far between.
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